Why do I find this less than convincing?
Oh yeah -- here's why:
-"he lasted for so fucking long like a jackhammer."
I'm big, I can -- every now and then -- go for hours (I can also finish in a minute, every now and then -- we are human), but I've never known a girl to *prefer* a big guy to go for an inhumanly long time.
-"pussy pounding"
Because every girl I've ever known talks like Ron Jeremy. Come on. Pussy pounding?
-"He said I could say his name on here"
Sounds like a drumroll to an introduction. Frankly, reads like a poor-man's infomercial script. Why such a big deal about using a real name? And why would you want to use someone's real name on here, especially when, presumably, you'd have *already* have told the person you fucked 28 hours ago that you're changing your avatar. Because, you know, people who fuck tend to communicate every so often with words instead of bodies. Wouldn't you have e-mailed that to him already? You have his e-mail. You just fucked. Something tells me you don't set up a pussy pounding over the phone.
-"I had a different screenname on here but after Saturday I thought I start over with new pics and a new name!"
Just the sort of fascinating, engaging and important news people often feel compelled to broadcast to a group of strangers on the internet. Right up there in the pantheon of usergroup exclamations of life-changing personal events such as "I got married" and "I had a kid" and "I got fucked" is the always in-context, never an awkward and irrelevant non-sequitor, "I got a new screenname!!" You got a new screenname? What was your old one, so, you know, a message like this could be useful and let your friends here know where you went? And, finally, why would you suddenly change your screenname after you fucked -- unless you really want to confuse him because he's creepy and a stalker and you'd prefer he not find you... or, something tells me this might be it, you're inventing a cover story for the strange coincidence of your identity being formed *after* the alleged event took place -- an event whose only prerequisite for attending was that... you already had an identity here.
This whole posting in general. More or less everything she says is in the passive voice. Almost no direct first-person syntax. It's very weak language, more often used for statements we're not willing to throw much trust behind; the passive voice allows other people to take the active verbs, and in some way, the responsibility. I *got* fucked, instead of the much more effective and powerful "I fucked." The piece also says nearly nothing about the author's presumed participation in the act. Everything was done to her -- she didn't do anything. And most of the time, when you're talking about somebody you just fucked (enjoyably), the term "we" gets thrown in there every once in a while. As in the proverbial "we fucked."
I'm not exactly sure why I'm analyzing it so closely (but once I started, whoops), and I totally have a big fear that I'm completely wrong here -- in which case, let's say, after some photos of the encounter materialize, or any sort of proof -- I will commence making a million apologies, as well as eating my hat. Probably yours too.
So, while this was fun to write, please please please if I'm wrong about this let me know and -- you know what -- now I feel guilty and bad (even though I'm convinced I'm right, rationally, at least about the motives here) about using someone's personal story against him.
Anyway, yeah. If I'm wrong, I'm a big jackass.