Scared of my illness

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by nakedwally, Jun 4, 2007.

  1. nakedwally

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    as i have posted here before i was diagnosed as HIV+ in february of 2005. things were going great my viral load was undetectable, my t-cells were great and now I just got some labs back and my viral load is very high and i have been very fatigue and getter sicker more easily. My doctor put me on some medication, however how it works here is i have to get an aproval from the state before i can even get my script filled i have also applied for assistance directly with the pharmicutical company. Some medications the state will pay for but others need to be aproved, and my doctor has given me some information on the medications to look over before i see him again and then i will start a regimen. I am very scared, i am not necassarily afraid of death, I am more afraid of getting sick and not being able to do much, sover the past 6 months my health has been deteriorating and things haven't been so hot, which explains why i have been so depressed. But i know i need to listen to the docs and do what they say. I also have an oppurtunity to participate in a research study for a new medication with the University here. i am still very scared and hate going through all this crap. and one more thing some advice to those of you who are negative and don't use condoms, think twice befor having unprotected sex it's not worth it, believe me when i hear of young people on here talking bout having unprotected sex i want to ring their necks, but then again we all have a choice.
    So at any rate if ever am irritable or get pissed of at any of you people on here don't take it personally I just feel like hell right now and am very depressed, I might regret writing this afterwards but i feel the need to share it right now, thanks again for everyone's support and caring thoughts.
    WALLY L. From Tucson,AZ

     
  2. IntoxicatingToxin

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    Well sorry to hear you're not doing so well, but I'm sure you'll be okay. I can imagine that it's pretty scary. My brother was diagnosed with HIV about 7 years ago. Luckily for him, he still hasn't had to start meds, but they think the time is near for him. It's a scary disease! Just be strong and try to stay happy. Living your life in depression is no good!! Hopefully getting meds will help with that.
     
  3. ganja4me

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    I'm sorry to hear about that and I wish the best for you.
     
  4. Principessa

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    Aww, babe I'm sorry, I didn't know. You are being proactive and the wheels are in motion. You are going to be okay, the univeristy study sounds like a great opportunity if you can get into it.

    As always you are in my thoughts and prayers. You've got my number if you need to vent.
     
  5. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    I've expressed my concern for you over chat. We are here as support when you need us. Stay strong, we are rooting for you.
     
  6. novice_btm

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    I'm so sorry to hear this. To be honest, I just don't know what to say, but do want to tell you that my thoughts and prayers are with you. :hug:
     
  7. smoothrnb

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    I am sorry as well to hear that your viral load has increased and making you feel poorly. My partner and I have friends in the same position as you. It's no fun, but much better than 20 years ago. If you have not, I suggest joining a support group. Knowing that you are alone and having others to talk to and share concerns will go a long in helping you overcome your depression.
     
  8. nakedwally

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    i have been to support groups and get even more depressed i do have a support system of friends who are also HIV pos from around the world and that seems to help
     
  9. rawbone8

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    Wally

    I hope you get a handle on your fear and get some much needed support as you adjust. Uncertainty and depression can become a debilitating spiral of cause and effect that saps your energy and compounds the gravity of the illness. I wish you the best in this and hope you get optimum care, financial support, and emotional support as you move to getting your life to a state where your illness is well managed and you feel secure and vital.

    You have demonstrated a warmth and humanity here on the board that is noticed and valued. Share with us, and hopefully this community can offer a virtual hand to hold or receptive ears. There are other HIV+ members, siblings, partners and health care workers and simply those who are concerned about you, who may be able to step up and help.

    best wishes
    Rob
     
  10. kalipygian

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    Hope things go well for you.
     
  11. ManlyBanisters

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    It's OK to be scared - the most cowardly thing a person can do is not admit they are scared, so I guess that makes you pretty brave.
     
  12. naughty

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    Workin' up a good pot of mad!
    Wally baby,

    Here is a big cyber hug for you, sugar. I cant even imagine what you must be going through right now. I do wish you the very best with the study and will be praying for you. Try to have hope. Know that we love you here as well...
     
  13. WellHung83

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    I can' imagine what it must be like to be in your situation, so all I can do is send many hugs and wishes and hope that things will start looking up a bit for you soon.
     
  14. B_Kshelby67

    B_Kshelby67 New Member

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    My thoughts are with you. You are a very very brave person.
     
  15. DC_DEEP

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    Count me in with your virtual network, Wally!
     
  16. Big Dreamer

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    Hello Wally:

    First of all, thank you for the wise advice on unprotected sex, as the gravity of your situation will hopefully force the few members of LPSG that promote irresponsible behaviour to rethink their approach to life.

    I sincerely hope that once you start on your medications and your immune system gets some much needed support, that your health improves considerably and that you don't have to worry about being sick for a long time, if ever.

    Lastly, there is NO need for you to apologize for being occasionally irritable around these parts, as you have a heavy weight on your shoulders right now, friend. Feel free to post often, and never be afraid to post specifically about the HIV virus itself, or how it's affecting you both mentally and physically. You'll find that a lot of friends in LPSG come out of the woodwork and stand shoulder to shoulder with you.
     
  17. biguy2738

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    I am sad...very sad. I look at your age and cannot even begin to imagine what all you must be going through, when you ought to still be facing the world with wonder and excitement. It breaks my heart.

    You have every right to be angry...you do not deserve to contract such a terrible, terrible disease, nobody does. You are also entitled to your fear, you are forced to face a merciless disease.

    In the midst of all your turmoil, both medical and emotional, you have one thing to depend on - your strength. You are a very strong person, Wally, give it pride of place in your heart. You are also very brave because you shared very openly and honestly at a time of difficulty and vulnerability. I have faith in you. I have faith in the fact that you will be able to formulate answers for yourself that will lead to peace and an acceptance in fighting the good fight against this disease. I believe that you have the goodness of heart to still bring a lot of light to the lives of others, in the midst of your own sense of being in darkness, and through that to find your own inner light.

    I pray that you will find the answers that you may be looking for right now. I pray that you have the love and support of family and friends to carry you when your soul is too tired to walk, to put a smile on your face when your heart would rather cry, to bring you hope during times when you feel as if all is lost and to bring unceasing love, particularly when you don't want to love any of them in return.

    Be strong and be blessed. Rest assured that you can always count on our care and support!
     
  18. Ethyl

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    Wally, from what i've read, many of the newer drugs (AZT, NRTI's, and protease inhibitors) have fewer side effects now and can be taken once a day. Now is the time to take good care of yourself and use every resource you have - including us. We'll be here for you. My PM door is always open if you want to talk.

    :hug:
     
  19. Mr. Snakey

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    Oh Wally im sorry to hear about this and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers:kiss:
     
  20. nakedwally

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    I seem to be feeling a little better today not by much though, going to the library to do some studying, and some work and then i am going to rest a little bit, might go in chat later, i still feel like hell and want to throw up, but hopefully things will get better. WALLY
     
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