Scared of sex

Discussion in 'Show Off' started by KoolKat, Nov 6, 2007.

  1. KoolKat

    KoolKat Member

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    Hey guys

    i have a problem, and i duno if im just fucked in the head or if other people are like this too. Im scared about the prospect of having a sexual relationship. I have had a bf before but we never slept together, and i had a one weekend fool around with a guy when i was on holiday in sydney, but it was just wanking with each other and a blow job, but even that i felt really sick and nervous about when i started thiking about it after wards. And now i have met this really great guy and he is keen to have sex, but when i think about it outside of horniness i get that same sick nautious feeling and i dont want to do it, but i do want to do it, but i dont wanna like throw up on the guy or worse, but yeh, just thought i would ask your opinion, its not really young and hung but i am young and confused.

    Hope that makes sense
    Matt
     
  2. UncutAtlanta

    UncutAtlanta Member

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    You're ok- don't stress it. Just be honest with him how you feel. If he understands, great! If not, move on.
    Finally, try to not be so serious. Have fun- be playful. Take it one step at a time.
    G.
     
  3. novice_btm

    Staff Member Moderator Gold Member

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    It sounds as simple as the rather complex issue of anxiety. Your last line, is probably answering your own question. You're young, you're confused, and above all, you're probably putting too much pressure on yourself. It could be because you really like the person, and/or want to make sure you're "pleasing", as well as enjoying. There could be any number of reasons that thinking about sex is sending your mind into overdrive, which in turn is giving you an anxious, even "fight or flight" response, and making you nauseous. It's easy for me to say, but really, you need to relax, and even better, try to figure out WHAT you're thinking, or even over-thinking, that's causing this response. It might help you. If you can identify what, and why, you're thinking what you're thinking, you can then start sorting it out.

    Be safe, and try to have some fun,
    n_b

    P.S. I think that being with someone you know, and trust, can also put you more at ease. If, deep down, you're having doubts, it could be causing, or contributing to anxious feelings.
     
  4. KoolKat

    KoolKat Member

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    Yeh but i only second thought it when im thinking to much lol, im on medication cos i have an axiety disorder, which is supposed to stop me overthinking, so maybe this is the watered down version of my over thinking, lol, yeh, this guy is alot older than me too which scares me a bit, but he is sweet and nice and hot, so i wish my brain would shut up lol
     
  5. Hunt3ed

    Hunt3ed New Member

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    Heya Matt

    I believe that the key factors to any successful relationship, has to be; trust, openness, and honesty. Whether you are planning a long term relationship, or planning to have a piece on the side, while looking for that ideal partner, you need to be up front, candid and honest.

    Its always a little scary, the first time with any body, and as we feel all our emotions with our stomachs, the urge to throw up, is quite understandable. There is no need to rush into sex, just because your partner is willing. If he's worth his salt, he'll understand, and it'll give you time to learn more about him, and more importantly about yourself.

    When you write "but when i think about it outside of horniness ", It sounds like you have other issues to deal with that do not come directly into the sphere of your immediate, and imminent sexual relationship. Acceptance and respect from your peers and family perhaps? Self acceptance? But like learning to swim, there comes a point when there is no point in thinking about it, its just a case of don't think ....... do!
     
  6. novice_btm

    Staff Member Moderator Gold Member

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    Yuh-huh, did I call it, or did I call it? :wink:

    Trust me, I KNOW where you're coming from. :kiss:
     
  7. scottbud

    scottbud Active Member

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    Hey Matt

    I remember the lump in my throught the first time I got it on with a guy and it did seem very sickening to me at the time (not so much afterwards) but It was only because it was something I had never witnessed or induldged in b4, I got a similar feeling the first time I went to a gay bar. I think you are experienceing something similar maybe made a bit worse with your existing condition. But I do feel you will get over it quite quickly if you just work through it. Just like on a rollercoaster how you start to feel sick but you cant get off half way so you have to just get to the end of the ride.
     
  8. Not_Punny

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    KoolKat -- anxiety (with or without an attack) can be defined as worry about an outcome. In other words, perhaps there is some possible outcome that is worrisome or upsetting to you.

    If this applies to you, you can help reduce the feeling of anxiety by playing a little mind-trick on yourself.

    -- Identify the "outcome" that you're worried about.

    -- Imagine yourself 15 or 20 seconds PAST that point in time... and imagine that the undesired thing not only DIDN'T happen, but some other, better outcome happened.

    -- Allow yourself the feeling of happiness, "looking back" at at the desirable outcome that "did happen"

    - - - -

    The other "mind trick" you can play on yourself is to simply (a) identify what the undesirable outcome is, and then (b) see if there is some "lesson" you need to learn about that fear/possible outcome.

    Good luck and be happy! :wink:
     
  9. KoolKat

    KoolKat Member

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    thanks for the comments guys, self acceptance and acceptance by people is a big deal and could be making me feel like this, ive had this feeling before when ive done something im not comfortable with but with sex its alot bigger icky feeling. Yeh once ive done it ill be fine, its just getting there

    thanks guys
    matt
     
  10. AlteredEgo

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    You should try talking aboutthis with your partner before you guys do anythng together. My boyfriend had anxiety about sex before we got sexual, and during the first few months of our relationship. We know the true source of his anxiety, and so can do things to keep him calm. However, in the beginning he used to tremble all over when we did things as simple as kiss. The first time I blew him he cried. Can you imagine how I'd have freaked out, and the distress I'd have been in if I hadn't known in advance he might have a panic attack? I don't know if we could have recovered from that. But since I was prepared, I was able to bring him down, wipe his tears, and be a source of comfort and support.
     
  11. KoolKat

    KoolKat Member

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    yeh im gonna talk to hiim, but i dont want him to think that i dont like him, cos i do, yeh ill talk to him tonight

    thanks guys
    matt
     
  12. KoolKat

    KoolKat Member

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    Hey guys
    last night i met up with that guy, and i talked to him about my fear and nervousness, and we took it slowly at first lol, he was so cool, and made sure i was ok with every step, we didnt have sex cos we were in his car and it was very cramped, but we made out and played with each other and i felt great wasnt scared or nervous or anything so it was all good, so hopefully i will be seeing him again to do more and not feel nervous woohoo, thanks for all ur advice guys

    Matt
     
  13. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Wow KoolKat! Very good to hear!

    I'm very happy it was such a positive experience for you. Just take it slowly and at your own pace. It's wonderful that he kept asking you and went at your speed. Sounds like he could be a keeper!

    One thing you may want to try is starting with massage. Massage can help relax you a great deal and get you used to touch. Done with care and love it's a great intro to sex.
     
  14. benson

    benson New Member

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    Result man!! Next time will be even better!!
     
  15. malaka

    malaka New Member

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    at your pace !
     
  16. Purplesaurus

    Purplesaurus New Member

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    Just about everyone is scared. Some people can't even have sex because everyone is scared of them.
     
  17. sargon20

    Gold Member

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    Learning to become a sexual person has many milestones..........see attached
     

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  18. novice_btm

    Staff Member Moderator Gold Member

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    Hey, I'm really sorry that I didn't get a chance to come back to this thread sooner, but I was going to suggest this very thing. Sex creating anxiety in people, even people who don't have an anxiety disorder, is not at all uncommon. However, for people with anxiety issues, it can seem that way, which, in turn, causes its own anxiety. Lovely, eh? :wink:

    One thing I've found, is that with anxiety, in general, that is in any situation, not particularly for sex, if I tell whoever I'm with, "this is starting to make me anxious," I pretty quickly calm down. A lot of the fear is the whole, "what if I completely lose it in front of this person," which again, causes its own anxiety. Once I get the sense that they're "on my side", and if I DO lose it, that they're there for me, that in itself can be very calming.
     
  19. KoolKat

    KoolKat Member

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    Hey Novice
    Yeh i totally agree with that, i told him look, im very nervous, and he told me he was too, so i knew he was in the same boat as me, and yeh when it happened it was great, :)
    Thanks for all your help and advice giuys

    Matt
     
  20. ManiacalMadMan

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    Many times I am nervous when thinking of sex with some one new It is evaporated once I am in his arms and we start doing things The fear and nervousness go away although they can come back a day or more later when we have not again been with each other for sex I start to think may be I did some thing wrong or they have no interest in me. It leaves again when I am sexual with that man again.

    When I was much younger I too some times felt sick in the stomach both before and after sex Some of this may be from my upbringing/raising where sex with no marriage was frowned upon and homosexuality was one of the eight deadly sins even worse than greed or sloth or envy and worse than if I had brokered all the ten commandments. Over time I got easier with it and began enjoying sex completely Some of this willl surely happen for you too I am sure as you grow older you will become more comfortable and free about sex.
     
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