Schrödinger’s Rapist: A guy’s guide to approaching strange women without being maced

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by rawbone8, Jul 11, 2011.

  1. rawbone8

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2004
    Messages:
    2,864
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Toronto (ON, CA)
    There was a comment in another thread about approaching a woman at 4 am in an elevator for coffee. It reminded me of this from a couple of years back.

    Read the entire blog from 2009


    It may be seen as bigotry to presume things about a group of people based on the acts of a few, but I wonder how many women actually have this internal evaluation going on. When is it common sense? And when is it paranoia? We all are sensitive to the cues and signals we read in our environment where we are assessing our safety, and weighing the odds that the people we meet may present a potential to harm us, or be benign, or trustworthy. It seems for females, the risks are more omnipresent, and males don't get it. Why should I as a male be lumped in with criminals, when I'm such a decent dude?

    What are the social signals males should be aware of, that communicate that you are disinterested? Body language cues? Verbal cues?

    What are the things that men do as strangers (perhaps unwittingly) that cause you to react by putting your phasers on shun?
     
  2. invisibleman

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2005
    Messages:
    9,976
    Likes Received:
    39
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Well, who I am I to say to women that feel that way? I cannot say "You are being silly". So, I will always say "BE CAUTIOUS". If you are out dating someone new...you should always give someone you thoroughly trust knowledge of your whereabouts, contingencies and a contact number.


    (There are people out there that are sociopathic/psychopathic. You never really know about a person until they freak out on you.)


     
  3. D_Rosalind Mussell

    D_Rosalind Mussell New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2010
    Messages:
    1,376
    Likes Received:
    6
    Unfortunately, I don't know if there is much a man can do. Every woman has had different experiences that help shape that level of caution she proceeds with.

    I could sit here and tell you stories about every woman I know being sexually assaulted. It sounds crazy, but it's true. This includes my mom, 3 sisters, 3 best friends, in-laws, nieces and nephews etc. And that doesn't count the men I know that have been sexually assaulted. Mind you, these incidences all happened with people outside the family so imagine how many abusers/violators are actually out there.

    It's absolutely terrible that this happens because the honest and kind people pay the price. My friend was raped at knifepoint by her boyfriend. He was a wonderful guy, the too-good-to-be-true type. She trusted him and thought she was a lucky woman but underneath he was a very sick individual. I've always erred on the side of caution anyway, but sexual assault is traumatic and some people, men and women alike, have a hard time trusting after that.
     
  4. dolfette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2006
    Messages:
    11,901
    Likes Received:
    25
    i'm constantly on my guard when i'm out
    always looking for the danger spots, staying aware.
    i plan my routes to avoid secluded areas.
    i do not make eye contact with strange men.
    i know if a man has followed me anywhere.

    when not working my hairstyle contains a 6" spike.
    decorative and dangerous. totally unexpected.
    i notice each rustle in the bushes, watch the shadows.
    i check the air for smokes and aftershave.

    i never accept a date with a stranger.
     
  5. Intrigue

    Intrigue New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2011
    Messages:
    1,439
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Florida
    In my opinion there is nothing a man can do. She is right to be wary, how is she to know your intentions. If she has been harmed previously this suspicion of danger is even keener. Just be polite, don't make any sudden moves and no one gets hurt. I feel horrible that our society is such that it is safer to be prepared than just be relaxed but we all live in a time where even the sanest "looking" individual could be a murderer/rapist/nutbag.
     
  6. Endued

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2009
    Messages:
    1,987
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    UKulele
    Verified:
    Photo
    I don't have anything useful to add, other than "Schrodinger's Rapist" got a good chuckle out of me.
     
  7. The Dragon

    The Dragon New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2007
    Messages:
    6,278
    Likes Received:
    6
    Yes!

    Every unknown man is a potential rapist until proved otherwise.
     
  8. D_Hey Sailor

    D_Hey Sailor New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2011
    Messages:
    341
    Likes Received:
    1
    I guess it's my upbringing, but I am not weary of men who are strangers, nor do I refrain from initiating a brief chat with them. I've always had the gift of gab so it's usually a welcomed thing in any normal situation.

    Guarding yourself from a man approaching you in a well lit, public environment is not going to stop him from raping you at an opportune moment of his choosing, or following you at a distance you aren't aware of.

    Be smart about it for sure, but worry? Not me.
     
  9. EllieP

    Staff Member Moderator Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2009
    Messages:
    7,867
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    3,777
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Florida
    My mum trained me to be suspicious of all men, and I find that sad. She told me my "headlamps" would blind men from rational thought. Sadly, she said my sister was pretty safe.

    I don't treat every man I meet as a potential rapist, but I have been sexually assaulted before. Or at least it was attempted. Living in Atlanta I took a very intense self-defense course that literally saved me.

    I will not go out alone in the evening, though. I'm not stupid. My city had a serial rapist on the loose a few years before I moved here. Even when I'm running I'm in defense mode.

    But that won't keep me from being eager to meet a stranger in a social or business setting. Of course, my husband thinks that every man I talk to just wants to screw me. I wonder if that's the way he sees some women, or is that just a general guy thing?
     
  10. rawbone8

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2004
    Messages:
    2,864
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Toronto (ON, CA)
    In my view, a lot of men living comfortable middle class lives don't feel all that vulnerable on a day to day basis. They'd have to be in an unfamiliar place with known threats to feel this vulnerable and wary to violence, any violence. So I think it fair to say it can be a stretch for some men to try to imagine how women might view the ordinary everyday world, or simply judge that women are worrying about nothing meaningful, it's mere hype.

    As a father of a 7 year old girl, I want to instil value judgement skills and street smarts, but not scare her into a reduced, diminished life. I am protective, but I want a daughter who embraces life fully.
     
  11. The Dragon

    The Dragon New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2007
    Messages:
    6,278
    Likes Received:
    6
    I applaud that Rawb, I really do!

    I think the best way is to get her enrolled into some sort of martial arts as well as specific women's self defense classes.

    The women's self defense classes will actually teach her more about how to deal with/escape a much larger aggressor.
    The ordinary martial arts will help her with her confidence, fitness and self control.
     
  12. Gecko4lif

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2010
    Messages:
    2,294
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    26
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Pensacola , Fl
    I laughed pretty hard. This is similar to how I live my life but instead of rape insert *use me for personal gain*

    Being a guy im pretty sure im not gonna get raped walking down the street anytime soon
     
  13. earllogjam

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2006
    Messages:
    5,027
    Likes Received:
    21
    Pretty much ALL my US women friends are alert and takes steps to avoid being a rape victim. It is pretty much an ingrained habit as they have done this since their teens. Some carry pepper spray or mace, they all avoid secluded areas of potential ambush, and avoid male strangers when alone where they can't be seen or heard easily.

    While I wouldn't say they live in constant fear of being raped it is ALWAYS on their mind to one degree or another.

    I would imagine the only way a male stranger could approach a woman is if he is with a wing woman or a small child, so he appears less of a threat, or if he is accompanied by an elderly person, like a chaperone. No guy is gonna rape a girl with his grandma or daughter watching.

    The other situation is if the man is physically challenged and can easily be overcome by any women, e.g. men in wheelchairs, crutches, blind, missing limbs, frail elderly...etc.

    Good luck straight guys, you'll need it to get laid or even meet a gal let along get into her pants!
     
    #13 earllogjam, Jul 11, 2011
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2011
  14. Intrigue

    Intrigue New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2011
    Messages:
    1,439
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Florida
    As someone who hasn't had a child yet, I can only hope that when and if I have a girl I can balance being protective while allowing her to experience life, despite my own fears of the world around her. I actually have talked at length with my wife about this and to be truthful it is a scary thought having a girl in such a dangerous world. I have a healthy fear of the intention of most men. I used to hear a LOT of stories from navy guys of their "triumphs" and many of these accounts bordered on rape if not bowling over the boundary. And they would all laugh and joke and I just stood there mouth agape and asked them " you really think that was ok??" to which I would normally get quizzical looks and rolling eyes. I'm no saint but I know a very large pool, or knew, of total scum bags and the thought of my daughter, imaginary as she may be at this point in my life, dating or even being accosted by males like this scares the bejeebus outta me. I'm sure as a father its just a fear you have to deal with and be proactive but it is still a scary concept.

    I agree whole heartedly with Dragon. A prepared individual is NEVER a victim. ( I hope I'm saying that right so I don't offend) what I mean is if my daughter or any woman for that matter were to be better prepared mentally and physically for an attack then the chances of them being a victim are much less. Like EllieP had mentioned earlier in the thread. There are some bad apples out there and if a woman treats me as a possible threat just to be safe, then its in my best interest to let her do what makes her feel safe. Ofcourse I'm a talkative guy who jokes around alot, but if I happen to be around a woman at night with no one else around I'm not naieve enough to think she will trust me. I smile, nod, wish her a good evening and carry on with my business. Even if she was attractive, that wouldn't be the best way to meet her, nor would I have wanted to meet a possible significant other in this manner. I hope I haven't rambled. I had been chewing on this one for a minute.
     
  15. Capt_obivous

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2008
    Messages:
    328
    Albums:
    7
    Likes Received:
    252
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Brisbane (QLD, AU)
    Verified:
    Photo
    Despite not being a woman, I can relate to this. In high school I was assaulted completely at random for no reason other that the assaulter 'wanted to start a fight with someone'. Since then I tend to take a lot of notice of whats going on around me, and of the behaviour of the people nearby. Its annoying not being able to switch off, but I wouldn't really have it any other way.
     
  16. B_crackoff

    B_crackoff New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2010
    Messages:
    1,742
    Likes Received:
    0
    The whole blog is bigoted. Just substitute the woman for a white guy strolling through Harlem or Brixton, & you'd have people howling racism. Discriminating against all is just unbridled paranoia & prejudice.

    Don't men get attacked 10 times more often than women?

    Frankly, if you reversed this blog, you could say that any woman wearing a boob tube, a short skirt & drunk could be characterised as "asking for it". Pathetic.

    I find the whole thing typically bourgeois.

    The fact that you haven't been in multiple attacks doesn't mean that people like me have not - and I still stride out - though now if I'm rambling around late at night, I look like an Eastern European - so that potential criminals will subjectively think I'm hard as fuck - bigots lol:smile:

    You know why - because it's not about anyone other than criminals, & reducing your chances of random attacks. The overwhelming majority of people don't wish you any harm at all.

    Anybody who spooks themselves with their own prejudices should either take all available precautions - cabs, a gaggle of friends, or dressing down - have an attitude adjustment, or not go out into the unknown.

    We all get a little scared sometimes - but those of us with a lot of experience of being attacked ,& getting broken bones, teeth, & stab wounds, yet still tread the same path, probably have a better rationale.

    If you are paranoid, & cannot distinguish between even the most harmless people around you - don't go to places in which you are uncomfortable - it's ridiculous to subjectively negatively tar all people with the product of your imagination.

    That said, if fewer people venture out, they will leave places to become the playground of those who would do harm.

    That's why we should be adult & not childish about such things.

    The blogger is a total douche & dick. It's effectively "don't speak to me because you might be a rapist". Twat.
     
    #16 B_crackoff, Jul 11, 2011
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2011
  17. AlteredEgo

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2006
    Messages:
    14,460
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    6,559
    Location:
    United States
    When I was meeting guys for sex online, I had a lot of rules.


    • Create a paper trail. (Exchange email and talk a lot on the phone.)
    • Tell three friends. (Give the name and phone number I have for the guy, his email address, and our itinerary.)
    • Send pictures. (Within ten minutes of meeting, snap and share a cell phone image of the guy, preferably one of us together with a landmark in the background. If I vanish, my family needs a current photo.)
    • Schedule a phone call. (I would have a friend call me several times over the course of the first night, and if I was about to go underground or have sex, I'd let that friend know how long I'll be unreachable.)
    • Call home before bed. I frequently stayed out all night. Before my grandma went to bed at midnight, I'd call her to say good night. I'd call her again when I was on my way home in the morning. A break in routine tips people off to trouble faster.
    • Do not accept rides. Sharing a cab is okay. Letting him drive me is not.
    • Do not tell him where I live. Duh.
    • Do not give him my land line number.
    • Follow my instincts.
    These rules kept me alive. I only arranged to meet one dangerous man, but my precaution prevented him from carrying out his intentions. He kept trying to get my address, and lure me into his car. My instincts told me he had a problem with women. He tried to appeal to my avarice. Men do not usually try to buy a woman right away. They usually wait until they know her better to decide they want to own her.

    The blogger is likely a rape survivor, or really small. I'm a big person. Tall, wide, and strong. I'm not typically afraid of men who approach me in public, but it does make me very uncomfortable. I don't like it. I prefer to approach a man myself. Typically, however, when I was single and a man came up to me though I usually found a way to get away from him quickly, I wasn't exactly afraid of him unless his body language was domineering or imposing.
     
    #17 AlteredEgo, Jul 11, 2011
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2011
  18. TomCat84

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2009
    Messages:
    3,497
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    32
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    San Diego, CA

    Thats very ninja of you :ninja:
     
  19. dolfette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2006
    Messages:
    11,901
    Likes Received:
    25
    no, you're not saying that right and it does offend.
    sometimes it just can't be avoided (eg. i was asleep in the family home, with all the doors locked and a large, fierce dog on the premises) and that statement sounds like blaming the victim to my ears.
    any subsequent explanation of your use of that phrase does not lessen the offense i feel. we all know that sometimes there is nothing a body can do to prevent something happening. well... i suppose my subsequent chronic insomnia would.
     
  20. dolfette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2006
    Messages:
    11,901
    Likes Received:
    25
    dumbest thing in the thread so far.
    men don't rape because they see thigh.
    men rape because they have an opportunity.
    rapists do not spot a chance then think to themselves,
    ''no, wait...she's wearing jeans''
    just another way of blaming the victim.
    ''she was asking for it in that skirt''

    women in burqas get raped.
    pensioners get raped.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted