Secret Half-Sibs

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by D_Elijah_MorganWood, Mar 25, 2006.

  1. D_Elijah_MorganWood

    D_Elijah_MorganWood New Member

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    Without going into gory detail, I have a 29 year-old half brother. I met him once when he was a baby so obviously he doesn't remember me. Over the years there have been a couple requests for me to be receptive if he decided to call me. The last time was 15 years ago and I told my father that I was willing to speak with him but I'd be honest if he asked serious questions. I believed he deserved to know the truth about his origins if he came looking. My father dropped it at that point (too many dirty secrets). Now the issue has been raised again. My initial reaction yesterday was "Your family is who raised you, blood related or not. Two dogs can fuck and reproduce, it's my father's problem, he's the one who shot a load into ---------". I slept on it and awoke with a new perspective. This guy must have a ton of unanswered questions. He probably feels like I got something he didn't. He's been told of all of us. This feels like the Jerry Springer show. I have two good friends who were adopted and sought out (and found) their birth families. I can't possibly know what that is like. Anyone else?
     
  2. Lex

    Lex
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    Have not been in that situation, but I was raised by extended family (greatgrandmother) instead of by my parents (too busy I guess). ALong the way, I was "adopted" by a few key people who are like parents to me. I am an only child and always wished I had a brother to talk to, etc.

    Sorceror--this is a grand opportunity for you to make an amazing difference in the life of another person. Think about that fact that he may be gay and how you may (or may not) connect there. I can't imagine all the questions that he has that only you can (or WILL) answer.

    An overwhleming responsibility to be sure, and I am sure that you are man enough for the task. Wow, I am getting teary-eyed just typing this.

    The need to find family is so strong man. Best of luck to you AND him. HUGS.
     
  3. D_Elijah_MorganWood

    D_Elijah_MorganWood New Member

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    Lex, my sources tell me he's straight. My partner reminded me today that this isn't about my father. My speaking to ------- is just between us. That was a lightbulb in itself. My blood pressure still hasn't gone down since last night. You're right Lex, for once this isn't all about me.
     
  4. D_alex8

    D_alex8 Member

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    Yep, you know the answer already, Sorcerer. This is about some guy who has gone through almost three decades of life with a whole lot of questions and, most likely, quite a few doubts, eating away at him on some level. You can't provide all the answers to those questions, for sure, but I think you can give him more of a sense of having answers and some closure than anyone else can. Equally, it may turn out that he's even reasonably comfortable and cool with himself, and that this isn't such a serious meeting after all, just something to address his own curiosity. Either way, it seems unfair and unjust not to meet him, since this is about another human being who has done nothing to place himself in the position he's in, and not about what your father did to create him.

    Throughout my life, I've always had greetings cards and gifts sent to me on every holiday and celebration by an old friend of the family. She's one of those people who has always been there in the background, but whom I've never met more than once or twice, so I (and the rest of the family) have always found it slightly strange that she's kept such close contact... Anyway, my mother met up with her for the first time in over a decade one afternoon last summer, and was struck at how similar this woman looked to her, something that had never been so evident in the past. To cut a long story medium-length: a little searching around after the meeting, and within 24 hours, my mother had discovered, after 57 years, that she wasn't the eldest sibling in her family after all. A piece of information that shook her visibly to the very core for at least a couple of months, and which clearly still eats away at her since it remains unresolved and undiscussed with the elder half- or full-sister (we have no idea who the woman's father was, my mother has two other younger half-sisters, both by different fathers, that she has known about since her late teens anyway).

    Not knowing how comfortable your half-brother is with himself, I would just say this: I'd hate to think of someone as considerate and contemplative as you holding back from helping him to a better state of being or self-awareness. Because if it's been eating at him the way the situation above is eating at my mother, then it'd be cruel not to give him some answers, whether he is fully pleased with what he hears or not. Because knowing is better than thrashing about without any kind of resolution.
     
  5. Sam Beckett

    Sam Beckett New Member

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    My sister is actually my half sister, but I call her my sister, also she-devil lol. I've grown up with her though so its not as awkward. My half sister also has a half sister lol, who is I think 13 or so. My sister is 17.

    They met a few times, went bowling etc but they haven't been in touch for ages, although they did try. I have no idea if they still communicate since I don't ask about it.

    A lot of my family is only half related, due to promiscuous grandparents mainly. So I have a few half aunts, uncles and cousins. Quite a lot actually. Some I don't like to talk to though since its strange being only half related and not seeing them very often, like a few times a year.

    I probably have other half siblings too from my dad, but I've never met them and I'm pretty sure haven't even seen them. It's very awkward seeing or talking to my dad's brothers, or other family who I used to see a lot growing up since my god sibs were also related to his family. I get really nervous etc.

    Anyway I suppose if you have grown up with them its easier, although me and my sister don't get on and are complete opposites (she's loud and bitchy, I'm shy and reserved lol).

    I think your half brother has enough information on you and your family to seek you out if he chooses? I would leave it as his decision and if he does come knocking, give him the answers he wants. Of course if he doesn't know how to contact you, you could be proactive if you choose and seek him out.

    Good luck, in whatever you decide.
     
  6. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    Damn, Sam, no wonder you got on a train and travelled far away to have sex! :slomo:
     
  7. D_Barbi_Queue

    D_Barbi_Queue Account Disabled

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    I may know how he feels. When my mom got pregnant with me, she could narrow it down between two guys...one was her naval recruiter (Don) that was already married with kids. The other was a guy that she used to go to HS with (Gary). I grew up the first 11 years of my life knowing neither...then when I was 11 she ran across Gary and introduced him as my father. After a couple years (I think she was starting to resent how close I was starting to get to him) she told me that she didn't think he was my father after all and told me the story about Don.

    I never told Gary what my mom had said. He was proud of me and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. When I was 16, he passed away from a drug-induced heart attack. I still kept in touch with his mother and sister. When his mother was dying, I finally told his sister (my aunt) about "the other guy" and mom having her doubts. His mother passed and it wasn't until after before I learned that I could get a DNA test using DNA from my grandmother and grandfather to see if Gary was my real father or not.

    So now I've been looking for Don to see if I could at least exclude him as a father or confirm that he is and that I do indeed have more siblings. But he hasn't been easy at all to find.

    Although if I did find him, I wouldn't really have any questions. I pretty much know the answers: he had an affair with my mom and I was born. He went back to his family. That's it. I'm not even sure if he knows about me.
     
  8. headbang8

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    Sorc, I'm sure you've worked it out. There's really no other decision. You've got to meet him--closure for him, closure for you. It will eat at you for years if you don't.

    You'll both find it tough to manage your expectations of the meeting. Do you want an ongoing family relationship? Does he want you in the emotional role of big brother? Do you just want a chance to bitch about the old man? To hear what the old man had to say about you?

    In my personal experience, those people who have sought to meet family from whom they may have been separated or estranged, have never regretted it. Even if the meeting didn't go as planned.

    Yes, the people who raise you ARE your "real" family. But flesh and blood is your destiny, too, in part. We're animals. We're programmed to attach ourselves to those who share our genes. I guess that's why it's so hard to write relatives out of your life, even when common sense says you must.

    I remember the shock when I met my late father's fiance (they were engaged when he died), and found pictures and stories of my father's first wife.

    My father had quite rigid sexual tastes (as do I, come to think of it). Mrs Headbang Sr. versions 1 and 3 were Italian, like my mother. But that's where the resemblance ends. They were slight, small-breasted and wiry, like my grandmother, whereas my mother was parking zeppelins out front. It suggested a few explanations for some of the obvious sexual tension between my parents.

    A friend of mine recently met the 24 year-old daughter he never knew he had--an ex-girlfriend placed it for adoption. He and I did amateur theatre together, he was in a band and had a late night programme on the university radio station. Guess what? His daughter is a professional DJ, into amateur theatre, and plays a mean guitar. I'll say it again: flesh and blood is destiny.

    You have a new kid brother. You'll find more in common than perhaps you may expect. Enjoy it.
     
  9. windtalkerways

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    I think I knew as soon as I read your
    post what your decision would be,
    Sorc.

    You may have wanted feedback to
    clarify but you have a heart of gold
    and I can't see you turning away a
    younger sib. :smile:
     
  10. mxdcock

    mxdcock New Member

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    oooooooookay, heres my perspective being someone whos been in a smiliar situation.

    Firstly, my uncle went away to india for a holiday for a month leaving his gf in the apartment with my dad. So he comes back and she announces shes a month pregnant. he hadnt slept with her for a month beforehand so,go figure basically. Eitherway, my uncle had no proof so has the baby girl himself. Fast forward 20 years and the girl is the female version of me and my dad. My familys genes are very distinct....my uncles kids look like him, my dads kids look like him, my aunts kids look like her.....weve all got our own features, skin tones (we're all mixed race) etc etc.... so its OBVIOUS this girl is my sister, irrelivant or the fact that the only man in the house when she was conceived is my dad....So anyway, my dad knows nothing about this but my uncle told me a couple of years back. Its becoming increasingly obvious that shes not his and theres been a couple of times with family arguments where its almost come out but never has. My opinion is that she deserves to know. My uncle has raised her amazingly but there are a million unanswered questions she has that my uncle cant give a real response to cos she doesnt yet know. Ive always said that if she honestly asks me, how can I lie?? How can I not be honest??? This is my sister and effectivley, shes living a lie.

    Secondly, I have a brother. hes aware of my existance and hes met his other brothers...but hes not seen me since he was 2. He doesnt know we're his brothers as his mother and my dad divorced when he was 2 and due to legalities my father is banned from seeing them. They live in germany, im in the uk, my dad is in portugal. So anyways, his mum has never told him anything...he lives with a differnet guy whos hes been bought up to believe is his dad. Now its pretty obvious this guy isnt his dad as the bloke is white so very soon hes gonna be asking questions. I understand that for various reasons she doesnt want him to know anything right now but its inevitable sooooo when it comes down to it, who tells him, who explains his geneolgy, his being mixed race, his background, everything????

    And honestly, if he asks, Ill do it. The confusion that ive, and im sure millions of kids, have suffered due to divorce and seperation alone is bad enough but to not know who your real parents are, your brothers and sisters, anything??? And when people do start to explain, how can either parents be fair and unbiased about the whole situation>????? Wholl see it from the siblings side? Who;; have a better perspective? Personally, I think me. Of course therell bethings I cant explain fully, like the situation, but I believe he deserves the truth if he asks for it. Doesnt anybody??


    Sorry if that whole thing was rambled and badly written, im in a rush, let alone it being real hard to explain! Hope I got my point across...
     
  11. D_Elijah_MorganWood

    D_Elijah_MorganWood New Member

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    Thank you all for your thougthful responses. You helped me to make my decision....

    I did it. I called him. I was nervous but we ended up talking for 3 hours, exchanging photos and getting to know each other. He's a great guy. I was relieved to find out he's also an elitist cunt (I hope Chuck64 reads this!).

    This was the right thing to do. It wasn't about my father or the 30-year rivalry between our mothers. It was just about us.
     
  12. Lex

    Lex
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    I'm SOOO impressed and proudof you, Sorceror.


    Gotta love that! Gentics, baby!
     
  13. D_Elijah_MorganWood

    D_Elijah_MorganWood New Member

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    Physically we don't look alike, the only thing we have in common is our hair color: dishwater blonde. My youngest sister actually looks a lot like him. He's a laid back, nonchalant sort of chap, an eclipse to my intensity. He's more left-brained. His IQ is almost equal. He was a good boy and stayed in school. He'll go off on 7 tangents right after the start of the conversation, ultimately arriving at the conclusion of his point (sound familiar?)

    Now I'm left with the strangest feeling: it's like a huge weight has been lifted...but also feels as if I just had a really good job interview.
     
  14. Lex

    Lex
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    I bet, man. The opportunities are limiteless from here on out. Best to both of you as you discover each other!
     
  15. windtalkerways

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    Good for you, sweetie! (((Sorc))):smile:
     
  16. headbang8

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    Great news. Hope you get to know each other well, and build a good family-type relationship that enriches both of you. I can picture you both at an elegant--dare I say, elitist--family dinner, dissing the hoi poloi...
     
  17. D_Elijah_MorganWood

    D_Elijah_MorganWood New Member

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    I'll probably visit him the next time I'm in his city which will be in the next few months. He says he's perfectly happy the way things are and has no desire to enter "the family fold". I'm uploading a shitload of photos for him and then I'm washing my hands of it. If he wants to call me, I'll enjoy speaking to him. I reached out and now I'm going to let go of the results.
     
  18. carter2006

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    Hi Sorc - sorry to be a latecomer to this thread, but just wanted to say well done for taking a brave step. I know about 10 people who are either adopted or have 'long-lost' blood relatives. Some of them have tracked down their respective families, and some have tried and failed for one reason or another. The rest are too damn scared to take the first steps. Of those who have tracked down their families, some were welcoming and some were less so, but at least they tried. Those who tried to find people but failed are happy enough and continue to live in hope - at least they've tried. Its those who haven't tried who seem to live with most regret. I can understand their fears, though. Your half-bro deserves kudos for taking such a step, as do you for your open reception. Well done, hunk!
     
  19. playainda336

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    It seems long lost siblings are almost equivalent to long lost cousins. Like they're your family, but you just didn't have the same time together or what not.

    My father has plenty. His father had like 12-13 kids with different women. He (and my mother) reached out to all of his siblings and he kept in contact and they're all very close now. They laugh together, cry together and what not. But he's closest to his younger full-blood brother though. Because they are who grew up together.
     
  20. D_Elijah_MorganWood

    D_Elijah_MorganWood New Member

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    Shared experience means a lot. My grandfather wasn't a blood relative but he was the closest and best male figure I ever had in my life.

    I picked Dad up at the airport today and when I got him to his vacation cottage, I told him what I did and showed him photos of his son. He went into near hysterics and zoomed about the room flailing his arms "I'M NOT GETTING A DNA TEST" and "THAT SLUT FUCKED HALF THE ISLAND, THE KID PROBABLY WASN'T MINE" ad nauseum. It's very clear from the strong resemblance...the "kid" was his. I told him I did what I had to do and he was free to throw the photos in the fireplace if he wanted to. "YOU PUT ME IN THE SOUP, I'VE GOTTA CALL HIM NOW" He exclaimed in a manic tone. After making the photo site for my half-bro last night and doing this with my father, I'm drained and I'm done. This has all been far too "Jerry Springer" for me.
     
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