Secrets to a Long Loving Relationship

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by earllogjam, Jul 11, 2007.

  1. earllogjam

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    This is a request for advice to all the long time couples out there to the relationship challenged here.

    I heard this at a wedding reception once and it has stuck with me.....

    Relationships are like rollercoaster rides, they have their ups and downs and scarry parts but as long as the tracks are good you 'll be OK.

    So I am interested in what you think the tracks in your relationship are that has kept your relationship together - if you don't mind sharing...

    How long have you been together?
    What do you attribute your longevity?
     
  2. psidom

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    i have been with my girlfriend for 9 years.

    teaching eachother about mankind through sub-concious honesty.
    alot of people have a hard time listening conciously to the sub-concious.

    i always wanted to dream at night with my girl...we are both avid lucid dreamers and heavy into dream interpretation and JUNG.
    when we wake we look at the symbolism of our dreams
    this gives us a very good understanding of where we are at with
    the world and eachother....truth brings trust.

    Jung is a strong influence on our relationship.
    we also believe in god...not jesus christ.
    we are honest about our lies.
    everything is on the table.
    that and kink...intimacy...playing like kids.
    have fun and sex....not just ego boosting eachother into delusion.
    that seems to be when things get fake and lovers lie.
    faking orgasms...faking love.
     
  3. Dave NoCal

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    My partner and I have been together nine years. It seems to me that much of our success stems from prioritizing that which is good for us collectively over that which is pleasing to us individually. It's a balancing act that we have managed so far without much difficulty. Other factors include: General compatibility, a shared commitment to trying to behave ethically, a shared lack of interest in and suspicion toward organized religion, similar political views, lack of major jealousy issues.
    Challenges for me include his hesitancy to activiely pursue goals (that is pretty much attributable to childhood experiences and actually has gotten much better), that fact that he tends to run about ten pounds heavier than I would like (I'm shallow that way), learning to WANT to be a good partner. I have learned how to be a "family man" rather than an individual wanting the advatages of companionship and that has enriched my life far more than anything I have given up.
    Challenges for him have included that I like to be in charge, learning that he can rely on me, and my health issues that are currently well controled but were not early in the relationship.
    Our situation is that money is tight, despite my decent salary, because I'm supporting him being in school full time and I pay all the bills. We are trying to keep two cars going three more years. We have managed for over a year and should be able to do it. There is a significant age difference which makes coordination of things like retirement complicated but which also seems to result in fewer isues of competition.
    That's about it. We are both more happy than we have ever been.
    Dave
     
  4. Hand_Solo

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    I have been with my wife for eighteen years now. We're both 36, so we've been together now as long as we were alive before we met. Odd feeling. Anyway, the secret, if there is one, is love. Sounds corny maybe, but it's proven true for me. My wife and I love each other. If we didn't, there's no way we could put up with all the arguments, bickering, and general bullshit that sometimes goes along with running two messy and thorougly intertwined lives in the early 21st century. Love is what makes it all worth it.
     
  5. jeff black

    jeff black <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    How about we keep this simple...?

    Honesty.

    Keep an open dialouge with your partner.

    Keep the relationship alive by doing random romantic things for each other on occasion, (give the partner a massage, make dinner, buy flowers, rent a movie they love, etc)

    Have a date night once every two weeks or once a month.
     
  6. earllogjam

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    Did you have to compromise a big part of yourselves to be together? Or is the trick to find someone with similar interests and goals so you don't have to compromise as much?

    Also when did your "we" mentality set in during the course of the relationship?
     
  7. earllogjam

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    How do you keep your love alive? It must wane during some lulls in your relationship.

    How long have you been together with your partner?

    Hmmm. If some secrets are in the collective unconscious maybe you can show us where they are. What Jungian influence has helped your relationship, Psidom?
     
  8. Big Dreamer

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    Together 7 years with my wife, married for 5 of them, with two children. Jeff hit the nail on the head with listing honesty as a priority, as the ultimate respect you can show your lover is never being deceitful . Another key is continuing to maintain individual interests that each of you had prior to the relationship, as there's a real danger of becoming the 'same person' otherwise. Remember when you first met your partner and enjoyed each other's stories from the days before you met? Well it's healthy to still have the occasional story to share that doesn't start out as "Remember when we did ........... together?" Married or single, we all still have personal goals that need to be fulfilled and a successful relationship (in my eyes) is a balance between the merging of the two people and the continued developement of the individuals.
     
  9. jeff black

    jeff black <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    We were together for a year and a half and we broke up for personal reasons. We were still very much in love though.

    Most of the thoughts in my post came from examples set by my parents (28 years)and friends of the family ranging from 10-25 years together.
     
  10. Hand_Solo

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    I'm not really sure how to keep love alive; it's seemingly ephemeral at times. I think spending time together helps, staying in touch with each other, perhaps even a bit of faith at those not-so-pleasant times that things will be better again, a willingness to compromise sometimes, a willingess to forgive. Even when my wife and I are fighting, almost always over something really stupid, we still love each other. Being angry at someone for a period of time doesn't necessarily eliminate long and abiding feelings of love in a relationship. Relationships are delicate, and good ones are hard to find, so it pays to err on the side of safety when it comes to things like complimenting your significant other, remembering the things they like, taking time to hold hands, etc.
     
  11. earllogjam

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    Seems like there is a we / me balance for things to work in your relationship. Do you ever fear that if you concentrate too much on the me part that the relationship will drift apart? What keeps you together?
     
  12. Big Dreamer

    Big Dreamer New Member

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    I love the we too much for the me to ever become threatening. I was just trying to emphasize a balanced livestyle of relationship growth and individual growth.
     
  13. earllogjam

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    Obviously we all change during the course of any long term relationship. We are not the same person we were 10-20 years ago. Some couples grow apart and some don't. How do you grow together if you have different interests regardless of loving each other?
     
  14. earllogjam

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    Is the love strong enough to get back together? I have found love has not been enough to keep a relationship going so I can relate.
     
  15. Dave NoCal

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    earllogjam wrote:

    Did you have to compromise a big part of yourselves to be together? Or is the trick to find someone with similar interests and goals so you don't have to compromise as much?

    Also when did your "we" mentality set in during the course of the relationship?

    1. Not really. It seems more like we have more been able to stimulate growth and personal development.
    2. Goals and interests that are similar and/or not mutually excluse seems to be pretty important.
    3. Not sure. I'd say it was a gradual process over about four years.

    Good topic!

    Dave
     
  16. rstrnt

    rstrnt New Member

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    Great topic.
     
  17. psidom

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    some jungian aspect that helped our lives are infinite
    but 1 in particular is his concept of the shadow.
    owning your own shadow...and everyone does this differently.
    this helped alot.

    i really liked his dream interpretation essays.
    i won't go into it here cause' it is pretty cerebral.
    His wife wrote a book called "Anima and the Animus" that
    is about the aspects of mankind being naturally both masculine and feminine...society has made us repress this for centuries.
    hence women are being forced sub-conciously to be submissive by society
    and men are forced sub-conciously to be overtly macho.
    this leads to an unbalanced way of life..this helped alot.

    As far as what lurks in the sub-concious....
    it is like a farmbarn.
     
  18. earllogjam

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    Psidom,

    I wish you would go into the concept of shadow. I find it facinating. What do you mean by owning your shadow?

    Also did Jung have a theory on the longevity of relationships?
     
  19. gwr1349

    gwr1349 New Member

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    Just celebrated 31 married years together. It has not been easy and some times very, very hard. Commitment and love is the answer. We took our vows before God and Jesus Christ to remain together through thick and thin. We have had both. But our commitment to each other has kept us together. Trust is another thing that keeps us together. We trust that each of us will be faithful to the other. And we will forever. That was our gift to each other at our wedding and it will remain to the end (death).
     
  20. psidom

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