31 years - Congratulations gwr1349! You are a rare couple these days. I'd think after 31 years you would not know how to live without your wife. I imagined you both have changed as people over 3 decades. I know many divorced couples that started with commitment and love but it just did not seem to last. You must have some more nitty gritty everyday details on the things you two have done to keep your relationship strong. That's what I'm hankering for here.
Secrets to a Long Loving Relationship
- Thread starter earllogjam
- Start date
31 years - Congratulations gwr1349! You are a rare couple these days. I'd think after 31 years you would not know how to live without your wife. I imagined you both have changed as people over 3 decades. I know many divorced couples that started with commitment and love but it just did not seem to last. You must have some more nitty gritty everyday details on the things you two have done to keep your relationship strong. That's what I'm hankering for here.
33 years together next month, 32 years of marriage last May.
Listen - pay attention - remember the little things
Talk - but not incessantly or inanely
Allow your partner to be herself and to have her own time to do her own things
Do some fun things together once in awhile
Common interests - we met in the wilderness and love the outdoors
Appreciate and thank her for what she does for you physically and mentally Thank her for doing the little things that most people don't bother to notice
It's OK to argue but don't get vicious and get over it
Forgive, you may not always be able to forget, but you can get past it
Revel in her mind and body.
Share
Don't hang on if it can't work.
Listen - pay attention - remember the little things
Talk - but not incessantly or inanely
Allow your partner to be herself and to have her own time to do her own things
Do some fun things together once in awhile
Common interests - we met in the wilderness and love the outdoors
Appreciate and thank her for what she does for you physically and mentally Thank her for doing the little things that most people don't bother to notice
It's OK to argue but don't get vicious and get over it
Forgive, you may not always be able to forget, but you can get past it
Revel in her mind and body.
Share
Don't hang on if it can't work.
I was married for 21 years so never start feeling complacent that your relationship is so firmly established it can't end - you have to keep working at it constantly, remember that you're a partnership and it's give and take but don't get into thinking it's tit for tat, that if he does something you have to do something, nothing's exactly equal but try to do the best for each other that you can.
k. d. lang has a song, "Simple." The whole concept of the song is that love is simple. People try to make it too complicated.
For me, I just try to follow a few simple rules, and so far, it's worked just fine.
1. Keep honesty as your basic principle. Sometimes, honesty is not the easy way to handle something, but it is always the best way.
2. Adhere very strictly to the "Golden Rule." Treat your partner as you would choose to be treated. If you like getting flowers, give them once in a while. If you don't like to be yelled at, don't yell. If you don't like to be lied to or cheated on, then don't lie or cheat.
3. Keep it fun. Laugh together. Get up early on your mutual day off, tell your partner "get dressed in comfortable clothes, we are going for a drive" and go to a surprise location that you don't tell your partner about, and spend the day... one very memorable excursion for me was a trip to Annapolis, about an hour drive.
4. Never let it get stale.
5. Do not try to change your partner. It won't work, and it just frustrates and angers everyone involved. That's one of those "should have thought of that before you hooked up" situations. If there's something about your partner that's annoying, talk about it. If they don't/won't/can't change it, learn to live with it. If it's intolerable, you don't belong together. It's much easier to choose someone, in the beginning, with whom you can spend your eternity.
For me, I just try to follow a few simple rules, and so far, it's worked just fine.
1. Keep honesty as your basic principle. Sometimes, honesty is not the easy way to handle something, but it is always the best way.
2. Adhere very strictly to the "Golden Rule." Treat your partner as you would choose to be treated. If you like getting flowers, give them once in a while. If you don't like to be yelled at, don't yell. If you don't like to be lied to or cheated on, then don't lie or cheat.
3. Keep it fun. Laugh together. Get up early on your mutual day off, tell your partner "get dressed in comfortable clothes, we are going for a drive" and go to a surprise location that you don't tell your partner about, and spend the day... one very memorable excursion for me was a trip to Annapolis, about an hour drive.
4. Never let it get stale.
5. Do not try to change your partner. It won't work, and it just frustrates and angers everyone involved. That's one of those "should have thought of that before you hooked up" situations. If there's something about your partner that's annoying, talk about it. If they don't/won't/can't change it, learn to live with it. If it's intolerable, you don't belong together. It's much easier to choose someone, in the beginning, with whom you can spend your eternity.
whatireallywant
Sexy Member
I should read this book "Anima and the Animus". It sounds like it is similar to my point of view. I call myself a "gender rebel", but I could actually just as well call myself "balanced"! :smile:
I also prefer "balanced" men.
I think that makes for a better relationship,too.
Three things.
1.) Respect.
2.) Communication.
3.) Forgiveness.
All off these are essential. Communication is actually the one thing that relates to intimacy. I try to respect everyone and forgive everyone. I have a greater and deeper level of communication with good friends, family and my SO. If in a relationship you loose either forgiveness or respect, the communication falls by the way side.
I have had three long term relationships.
1.) 4 years
2,) 10 years
3.) 8 years
I have been seeing my current gf for over a year, but we have been friends for 7 years.
I broke off my last 8 year relationship because of a lack of respect. She lost or never had real respect for me. I eventually decided that her lack of respect was a show stopper. I think she saw my kindness as weakness.
Good points. I don't really read "relationship" books or psychoanalytical books, but I suppose some of the premises are based in reality.
I should probably have included in my previous post:
5. Do not feel that you have to conform to any "societal standards" or stereotypes. You have to be yourself. You have to let your partner be himself or herself, and accept as such. If he's better at sewing on buttons, and she's better at changing the oil in the car, let it be.
nudeyorker
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It's never easy...but for me Honesty, commitment, the ability to compromise,laugh and cry together to work out the kinks and a sense of humor!
Drifterwood
Superior Member
Deny everything, put the toilet seat down, cleaned, and don't light your farts in front of her parents.
For all you who have taken some time to post here - thanks for all the helpful and thoughtful advice.
If you have been together for a long time it probably is inevitable that at one time or another the relationship hits a low point. How did you weather these times and what made you decide to stay together? Was it worth it?
If you have been together for a long time it probably is inevitable that at one time or another the relationship hits a low point. How did you weather these times and what made you decide to stay together? Was it worth it?
That depends upon what you mean by "a long time." My partner and I have had a few (three exactly) INTENSE arguments, but we talked it through, and have never gone to bed angry (or at least without some resolution). This is after 5 years and some change living together. No real "low points" so far. I'm happier now than when we first moved in together, so it just gets better.
My partner and I have been living happily together for over 20 years. The keys? We were friends for over a half-year before I knew he was both available and interested (long story, but we were co-workers for those first six months), and, once we figured THAT out, we discovered that we were completely compatible sexually. He'd still be my best friend today even if we weren't lovers. It helps that we have many shared interests, have almost never argued over anything that we couldn't resolve by rational discourse, love to crack one another up, and view life as something to share together, rather than something to be possessive about. Thinking of things and concepts in terms of "we" and "ours" rather than "me" and "mine" is a biggie. It probably helped that we'd both gotten our slutty phases out of the way in our late teens and early twenties, and were both looking for something more meaningful and lasting. What can I say?: I'm still in love with the guy after all this time!
Ask yourself these questions?
1.) Do you remember what made you fall in love in the first place?
2.) Has she changed that?
3.) Do you still love her for that?
4) Are you willing to forgive her because of this?
12 years into our 32 years of married life my wife had an affair and wanted to run off and marry this guy. We had a lot of heartbreak and trying to understand why she did what she did, we realized that it was rooted in her upbringing and insecurities. It took a year before we started to get an understanding of why she tried to break out of a loving relationship. It took quite awhile for her to realize that she still loved me, I had to get over the break in trust. Now 20 years later we are still in love.
Stealthblade, and others who've posted here, you give me hope. Within the past week I've been told by a guy who I hoped would be in my life for quite some time that he's not ready for something more serious. It's not easy to find someone you're that compatible with. It's something I hope I eventually find, and not when I'm old and gray. But it is frustrating when most of the guys I meet that I find myself attracted to are already in serious relationships, and many of the single men I meet seem immature and not really out of that "slutty" phase. But I have faith there is someone out there for me and I will find him, and we will make it work. I'm ready for something meaningful and lasting; just wish there were more gay men out there in their early-mid 30s who were looking for the same thing.
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