Self Esteem

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by bluekarma, Jan 23, 2007.

  1. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    I thought mine was improving, but a little situation today proved otherwise. I won't go into any details. Lets just say I have a hard time being within close proximity to women who are hot. I know that sounds shallow, well, it is shallow. Anyway, it's not that I dislike these women, it's that I want to be these women, or girls even, teenage girls. Girls that haven't survived pregnancy or child rearing. There is nothing wrong with me, and I know that. I know that there are probably (maybe) plenty of girls or women who wished they looked like me. So why is it that I can't just be happy with what I look like? I like my face and my hair, but when I see these women with these nice juicy butts and big round boobs, this ping of jealousy sweeps through me and makes me ill. Makes me wish I were invisible. Am I really that vein? Is it something that will pass as I get older? Is this a self esteem issue? Or simply my wanting to "have it all". Whatever the case, I'm sick of it, and I want to know how to make it go away (aside from having millions of dollars worth of plastic surgery). Even that wouldn't fix it because there will ALWAYS be someone who has something you wish you had. I want to be able to look at these ladies and say, "wow, she looks great, but so do I". I honestly don't know if I'll ever be able to be that person. The weirdest part about it is that I never used to be this way. I used to be so confident in myself. I actually had a distorted body image, opposite of women/girls that have eating disorders, to the point I thought I looked a lot better than I actually did. I think some of it has to do with being online waaay to much and being exposed to all these perfect bodies, where before I just had an image in my own head to compare myself with. And it suited me just fine, I didn't care to look like XYZ, because I felt sexy either way. So here I am 35lbs lighter than I've ever been in my life. In better physical shape from working out than I've been since highschool..and still I hate to look in a mirror. Another thing to note, because I think it's strange, is that during sexual encounters, all of this goes out the window. I'm confident, feel sexy, etc. It's only out in public, or here online, that I start comparing myself this way. Am I alone?
     
  2. Gisella

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    :hug:

    Hey CG...sorry that you are feeling like that...and it seems only in social situations, plus you do reckon the you are in good shape and etc...for sure maternity changes women's body as aging does too but is just the way it goes even if we take good care of our bodies and etc.

    Yeh there is nothing 'wrong' with you outside but disconected inside it seems...and I do find strange too you feel hot naked in intimacy etc because many times when its about body image issues women have it affect women in sexual interactions..hmmm...

    Lets find out roads of discoveries and solutions to get you out of where you feel you r right now...

    Hope we have profissional and more helpufull ideias and suggestions than mine...but give your hand for us to grab, we care for you...it will be ok. kisses.
     
  3. Ethyl

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    It is common for those who have lost weight to experience a delay in experiencing the positive effects it has on the mind. Don't despair. Sometimes it takes time for the mind to catch up to what one sees in the mirror. Also, if you're undergoing undue stress in your life, your self-esteem can also take a beating and it's natural to go back to fretting about the old issues, i.e., physical in this case, if that was habitual for you.

    I was horribly insecure about my body when I was in my late teen/early twenties. I got sick of turning on the TV or reading magazines and seeing women with stick-thin figures and breasts that were disproportionate with the rest of their bodies celebrated as the ideal. So the rebel in me decided to say "Fuck it. This is me. I need to learn to love what I have." After I made that decision, life was a lot easier for me. The world is full of women with various shapes and sizes. The media wants to tell us that there are only a few that are acceptable to society. Bullshit. When you see those women who look differently than you do, it doesn't mean they look better than you, it simply means they are different. You are uniquely beautiful (you once posted pics here and I remember them distinctly so I feel I can honestly say that :biggrin1: ) and there is no one like you, inside or out. Next time you are standing next to a woman and you feel insecure, compliment her on one of her more attractive features that YOU find unique and compelling. She'll probably appreciate it and you'll feel better knowing you are learning to be objective about beauty and can sincerely appreciate those qualities in others that stand out. Know what your own unique features are and play them for all they're worth. They are a large part of what makes you, well, you.

    This won't happen overnight. Or in a week. But eventually you will learn to be comfortable around "hot" women because you'll know you're one of them. It just takes time to realize your own special beauty. When you do, that's what makes you more attractive to others than anything else.

    Besides, who the fuck are you kidding with all this talk? You know you got it going on, girl! :tongue:
     
  4. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    Aw, man Gisella. I just love you to pieces girl. Somehow hearing you say all of that makes me feel like, maybe, just maybe, I'll be okay. But yeah, someone PLEASE give me some suggestions.

     
  5. D_Humper E Bogart

    D_Humper E Bogart New Member

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    Hmm, seems very similar to my scenario, although it is better described as "dangerous introversion" someone else can ask me to specify, this is not my rant.

    Then again, I genuinely am fugly. :)

    To be honest, I think everyone gets freaked out by people who are sexier (or percieved to be sexier) than oneself. Heck, I notice it mainly because I overcompensate with a harsh attitude.

    Anyway, most girls online are digitally altered, you're probably well better looking!
     
  6. Andrew2500

    Andrew2500 New Member

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    Most often when people have self esteem issues, or think they are ugly, it's a very distorted view they only hold, and have gotten somehow through experiences in their past (school?).

    I know several people who think they are ridiculously skinny and not manly enough. Myself included.. But then I found out that the most common reason for this is because they (and I) still have that image of themselves at 10-12 years old in their heads. While they actually look very manly now.

    In your case, I cannot properly judge because I can't see your picture. If you'd be so kind as to private message me one, I would tell you honestly what I think. I know the truth can sometimes be taunting, but if we never hear the truth, we can be more inclined
     
  7. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    This all makes a lot of sense MB, and perhaps it is a delay in my brain with the weight loss. The bad thing (and I hate to even admit this) is that I can't remember a time when I wasn't jealous of someone. I'll go ahead and say it, I'm insanely jealous of you (but I still love ya to death). This only goes to show how deep rooted this is. It's disgusting, I know...and I want to change it. I guess only time will tell? Or heal? At any rate, your words are always taken with much heed. And thank you for posting on my thread. It has been on my mind for some time, I just had the guts (and enough of a lump in my throat, haha) to post it. xxxKissessxxx CG

    PS. I might have it goin on just a lil bit, but you, my dear sexy sister DEFINE that phrase, and YOU know it :wink:

     
  8. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    Please do elaborate on "dangerous introversion". I'm not familiar with that at all.

    And thanks for posting a reply, I very seriously doubt your fugly, unless you resemble that icky bug on your avatar (jk):wink:

     
  9. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    Well, that is a good theory Andrew, but I actually had better self esteem in school. But I was still jealous of people. I would send you a picture, but at this point in time I can't. Besides, I don't want anyone here to tell me I'm pretty, or hot....I want them to tell me WHY I CARE :confused: :confused: :confused: . Thank you for posting, I appreciate your comments, and they've helped in my perspective.

     
  10. socoken

    socoken New Member

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    Self perception is a motherfucker, that is for sure. Ive always assumed that there is a million different versions of you in this world. Theres the you that you see in the mirror, which changes day by day and by mood, and there is the you that other people see. I always thought that everyone looks different in the eyes of the beholder. Every one has bad days and good days. I recently discovered that my BMI puts me in the obese catagory, so where I used to feel pretty good, now I feel like I gained 30lbs overnight. Just like that, one little number. Even knowing that its just the number making me feel that way, it really changed how I see myself. So Im hitting the gym a lot more, playing more ball, and eating better. Its starting to help, but Ive also started snowboarding. That was really tough to learn, but accomplshing that has helped me feel a great deal more confident. Ive also learned a session in the sun or in a tanning bed works wonders for my self image and happiness.
     
  11. ruffboy

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    curiousgurl i'm sorry you're going through this, i am chock full of empathy on this exact subject myself. why do you care about how other people look or is it why do you 'rank' yourself when around/viewing others? your subject thread title hits it partially on the head no doubt, for some reason you have a cyclical self-esteem issue and on one hand you can acknowledge that and remind yourself when you're down that "this is only temporary", just chant that like a mantra during those times. everything changes, everythign comes around. the best thing you have going for you in your mind is the fact you DO know that you do look great, and more importantly that you ARE great. try and remember those feelings some with the dark ones creep in and try and take hold.

    and listen, truly listen and try to truly accept it when people do tell you all the positive things about yourself, even the superficial ones "you look great". too many people, because of their low self-esteem will refuse to accept a compliment in their brain, even from those that sincerely mean it, because they're own skewed self-image refuses to allow it in.

    i hate it when readers/responders turn things back around to themselves, but one point about myself here, like i said, i'm very empathetic to your situation. one thing that has helped me tremendously is this site and the frank, sincere opinions that can be found here. when i finally got the courage up to post pics of my less than impressive appendage (especially compared to what you find here) i was truly astonished to find how many people actually thought it was a nice one and actually took the time to tell me so. if you're feeling insecure about your own body, you can post pictures that are entirely 'anonymous' enough so no one could identify you, but still portray the reality that is your body and i'll put money on it you'll elicit MANY sincere positive reactions. and you know what you do with those? LET THEM IN. let them pile up. every now and then actually set your beautiful humility aside and let it touch your heart that you ARE attractive, emotionally and physically.

    thanks for posting, its encouraging to hear others grappling with this type of beast
     
  12. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    Wow, that is a really cool perception (in bold). If the things I wanted to change, were things I was capable of changing, I'd be more optimistic, but like I said, I don't have millions of dollars to get surgery. I do apprecaite your sharing that with me though, and your optomisim is a little contagious I have to admit. So really thanks for the suggestions.

     
  13. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    Yeah, man. Finally! You get it. You totally get it. And what you said about not taking any one's compliments seriously, I totally do that. I'm like "oh, they are just being polite" or, "Yeah, but you haven't seen me naked". I really like storing up the positive reactions, or at least letting them in. I guess that is a place to start. I hope I get to the point your at sometime soon, these inner deamons are such a waste of energy in the general scheme of life. Thanks for your post SK_Bum, means more than you know.

     
  14. RoyalT

    RoyalT New Member

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    Maybe if I gave a shit, I'd 'hit the gym' or even use the few weights I have at home. But I'm happy with my body. Well not happy, since you know there's always room for improvement/toning. But I ACCEPT that this is ME and its only going to change if I want it to. And I'm lazy. So I come to realise I LOVE my body.

    If other people aren't worrying about their looks, its their finances, or love lives, or mental health, or WHATEVER. No one really gives a shit what you look like. And anyone who does is just insecure and if they call you [ugly] or [fat] etc theyre just saying WHAT THEY ARE.

    So if no one else cares, why should you?

    Took me a long time to realise that but that's the attitude you should have. Maybe keep telling yourself that every morning. Like a mantra. I never did that but one day I just woke up and stopped caring.

    Just be happy. There are people A LOT worse off than you. Be glad that you are free. There's many a man [and woman] who's not.

    Really, its very trivial when you think of the vastness of the world and of humanity and just lots of things. How I look is on the bottom of my list of things to worry about.

    But then, everyone is different. I just don't think you should let it get you down much, if at all. If it does, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

    I hope this helped.

    Peace and love :smile:
     
  15. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    You know what? It did....a lot. Thanks for opening my eyes up a little. I have a lot to be thankful for....big tits and ass should not be such a priority to me right now, and WTF am I doing letting it weigh me down so much??

    *heads off to the gym with a bounce in her step, and HOPES some hot chick gets on the treadmill beside her*

     
  16. JustAsking

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    curiousGirl,
    Wow, I have come to understand in my travels as a father, a friend to women, and an adult volunteer in a youth group, that there is nothing more complex in the world then a woman's self-esteem and body image worldview. I have known some very beautiful, extremely intelligent, and extremely competent women who have it all together except for this often very irrational problem. At least two people I know have serious ED.

    Regardless, even without something as serious as ED, I have had enough women and girls confide in me to know that what you are experiencing REALLY SUCKS.

    I have had some luck in inducing my friends to seek some form of counseling about it, because as underappreciated as it might be in terms of suckiness, it is something you really shouldn't have to walk around with every day. I mean how sucky is it to be beautiful, intelligent, and competent, yet feel bad about it all the time.

    What I learned from my friends who have had successful counseling is that for those people who are not suffering from really aggregious life experiences, such as sexual abuse as a child, etc, a reasonably good counselor can help you get rid of a lot of this baggage with some simple techniques. This being an emotional problem (as opposed to a mental illness) it is more like an emotional habit you have learned than it is like a real mental problem. So there are some simple techniques that can be used with really great success.

    There is a thing called Cognitive Therapy. The theory is that our emotional reactions to events in the outside world go through emotional logic that we have learned along the way like a habit. So when the "event" happens in the world, it seems to us that our emotions respond instantly to it as if the response was inevitable. What we don't realize is that some emotional logic has fired in between the event and our response so as to create the response. This logic is below our consciousness so we don't realize that our responses are as much a function of our internal evaluation criteria as it is the event in the outside world. It is pretty easy for us to "learn" faulty emotional logic especially in the area of body image or other areas of self-esteem. When you consider the messages that women get about "womenness" from popular culture day in and day out, this is not surprising.

    The simple counseling techniques that have come about in the last 20 years teach us how to flush out the emotional logic and rewrite it. So for example, you might have some emotional logic that says, "I have to be the most beautiful women in the room or else I am pond scum". or something like that. It is totally irrational, but it is extremely common.

    You can see it in those overachiever girls in high school who seem so successful, yet inside they are driven by relentless emotional logic that says, "I have to get an A in all my classes or else I am a loser", etc.

    It seems that we all have some of this to one degree or another, just like we have learned bad posture or to bite our nails or any other bad habits. Its not surprising that simple counseling techniques can be very successful with this relatively simple yet highly burdensome problem.

    It does seem unusual that this problem has gotten worse. Usually, self-esteem gets better with age, since you subject yourself to more life situations that teach you better self-evaluating critieria (such as "I am a really good mother", etc.) But I am willing to bet that its just a variation on the basic faulty emotional response problem that we all have to one degree or another.

    I think your first assumption is that this is a common, simple (yet really burdensome) emotional problem that can be easily alleviated with some simple counseling.

    Finally, I don't want to imply that you are overreacting, or that you should just "walk it off". Stuff like this can make what should be a really good life unbearable. There is no reason why you should have to endure this, and there is good reason to think that getting rid of it is not rocket science.

    If you are beautiful, you should be able to feel beautiful. Is that too much to ask?
     
  17. Andrew2500

    Andrew2500 New Member

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    In the end there is someone for everybody. And so it's not about surgery that will make you feel better, it's about how you see yourself. Change the mirror through which you see yourself, and you will change your negative feelings.
    Hitting the gym is one way, but there's a million ways. For me what worked well was learning to analyze what is going on around me, how people think, how they work, how they act, how I act, what I want, who I am, why I am here, what I can do to make myself feel better. I personally now focus on health as an answer to my problems. Health being defined as mental + physical wellbeing & fitness. Like I said, there's many different ways.
    There's no use in comparing ourselves with hollywood pictures or anyone else for that matter. No matter how many friends we have, how many love lives, in being born and in death, we are alone, and also in other times, and this is good. You must reason with yourself. You are here, you are born on this planet, without a specific purpose, and so are 6 billion others. You are not united unless you want to be. Similarly, there's no competition in the way some other chick looks or not. Everyone stands on the same step on the ladder, just imagine the ladder is very big, so everyone can stand on the same space.
    Some people look at other people's failures, and use those to make themselves feel better. Though it works, I find it too easy. Just like being pessimistic. I know I'm one most of the time, but it's so easy. Because it can either be like you expected, or be better than you thought. But being optimistic, that requires courage, and discipline. Instead of looking at what you don't have, or looking at what you do have, look at what you are. You're a human being just like anybody else, and you deserve to be treated with respect. Make yourself smarter, read up, make yourself look better by gymming, find hobbies, art, music, fingerpaint, learn to play the piano. There's a million things, each his/her own.

    The outside means nothing without a valuable inside. Physical beauty means nothing if inside it is rotten/spoiled/stupid/dumb/deceitful.

    I hope you can better appreciate who you are. I don't care how you look. I bet most people here aren't the most attractive people. After all, it's a "support" forum... meaning people come here to seek refuse/shelter/support/space/communication/advice.

    Take Viking for example, he to me seems like someone who has learned that the outside is not all you're granted with, and that competition is useless.

    Think of human beings as all created equal, yet different, not all apples, but all different fruits, how can you compare an apple with an orange...? And why would you? It's an endless battle.


    Good luck
     
  18. rawbone8

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    JA, you are a gem. A brilliant and compassionate man.

    CG, I have been bewildered by the numerous women I have known who have expressed the feelings you bring up. It's fairly common, especially as an after-effect of the changes that occur with pregnancy, and maturing past the "nubile teenage female" idealized in our society. Our culture of marketing depends on selling us on believing in our defective looks, weight, shape, smells, energy, etc., so we can buy commodities to "sooth" us or "improve" us. Good little consumers are we.

    I hope you solve this, with either counselling, or come to accept yourself for exactly what you are, on your terms.

    I like Shrek's philosophy about self love.

    Best wishes sweetie
    Rob
     
  19. B_NineInchCock_160IQ

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    My sad and depressing contribution: almost all women go through this. I know so many gorgeous women, and even those that are near-flawless still have numerous issues with their own body or personal appearance. You're right, there will always be someone who has something you want. At least if that's what you're looking for. Maybe the better statement would be that you will always be able to find something that someone has that you want, if you go looking for it.

    Anyway, like others who have posted here, I know how you feel.
     
  20. viking1

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    I have been through this bad self image thing for years. I am finally doing better of late though. Sorry to hear of you and others having this same problem. No, you are certainly not alone. I am always seeing guys that I envy and would want to be or be like.

    You just have to accept yourself as you are and be happy. It took me years to do that. I never thought I was good looking or had any great physique.
    I am certainly not well endowed and these things caused me to have a bad self image. There is always somebody who is better looking or has a better physique or whatever. You cannot let that bother you. forget those things when you are out in public. Just think to youself that I am as good as anyone else. Do not think about being lesser than any and everybody.
    It is we who suffer from this self image problem that do this to ourselves.
    Nobody else is saying you are inferior or I am better than you. Just think about the good things in your life and have a good time. Take it one day at a time and do not worry that you are inferior to anybody else.
    Remember...most of us are just average in most ways. We just think that everyone else is better off than we are. Truth is...they are not any better.
    The old "grass is always greener on the other persons side". If you were these people you envy you would find their problems as great as yours.
    Maybe even much worse. We have to be who we are and be happy at it.

    I know it is not easy but we have to realize life is too short to be unhappy.
    Too short to be envious and worried. We just have to be happy that we are who we are. There are some things I would change about myself if I could, but I really do not want to be anybody else. I know it really would not help if I was somebody else. It is mostly a self esteem issue and it will probably get better as you get older. It will get better now if you work at it, take one day at a time, and have a bit of fun every chance you get.
    Do not let it get you down and do not dwell on it. You are who you are and you are as good as anybody else. Good luck to you.
     
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