Self-Loathing [Bisexual]?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Unnamed, Oct 29, 2011.

  1. Unnamed

    Unnamed Member

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    My Large Penis Has Been In:

    • 10 sexual encounters w/women (genetic)
    • 18 sexual encounters w/trans-women
    • 1 sexual encounter w/man
    • 7 (short) romantic relationships w/women (genetic)
    I'm open-minded. Labels always don't help in these instances, but I'm in a relationship with a woman. I want to be honest about my sexual history. I've avoided the subject. When asked how many women I've been with, I tell her - but I don't include the trans-women. I've searched the internet for answers; the advice sucks: "Don't tell her if you think she'll freak out" or "How can it help?"

    What?

    You think sticking with someone that doesn't know you will equal happiness? Idiocy. Without intimacy, there is no trust, and therefore no point in even being in a committed relationship. Although, I do agree with the sentiments of "how can it help"? If you aren't going to shoot for a threesome, then it isn't productive in sexual progression; however, the objective is to be intimacy. The problem is I think the closest word to qualify my experiences would be "pansexual", "hetro-romantic" and/or "bisexual", but I think the latter circumvents my perspective on those transsexual women. For all intents and purposes, they are/will be/were women. Yet, genetically speaking, they were born otherwise. So, I'm wrestling with that thought when I try to explain my sexual past - especially since the exploits with the man wasn't my cup of tea.

    But, I want to keep this simple.

    Question: How should I "come out" to my girlfriend. And in the future, seeing as she may freak out, when/how should I come out to future girlfriends?

    The obvious answer is tell the truth. To be honest, I'm just scared of losing out on the girl of my dreams because of what I've done - which doesn't make any sense (the girl of my dreams would know I wasn't going to cheat on her just because I've had this) but I'm worried.

    sidenote: I'm a college student.
     
  2. B_Hung Jon

    B_Hung Jon New Member

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    To me the real issue is how you described yourself as "self-loathing". If you really feel that way, then it might not be the best time to say anything to your present girlfriend. I think it's most important to accept yourself and your own actions in the past. You know they old line about learning to love yourself before you can love others? If you feel ashamed about your past sexual experiences then maybe it's most important to understand why you did them in the first place, and then to FORGIVE yourself. From my pov there was nothing wrong with what you did. Any woman who wants to be with you has to accept you as you are.
     
  3. Unnamed

    Unnamed Member

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    Why? My dick was hard. Beside that, I was lonely and bored. But, there has to be more to it. Right?
     
    #3 Unnamed, Oct 29, 2011
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2011
  4. B_Hung Jon

    B_Hung Jon New Member

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    Also I imagine those experiences were pleasurable, and maybe pleasurable in different ways than with your girlfriend. It's obvious to me that you need to explain to her what happened, that you were horny, lonely and bored. I think many guys would do the same thing in your position. It's the nature of male sexuality. I'm not talking about this from a moral point of view. If your girlfriend has moral reservations about what you've done, then that's a different story. As you present it, you seem more concerned that she may not trust you. The reality is that over time people learn to trust one another, so maybe you both need more time to get this past stuff out of the way. Then together you can both learn to trust each other. Also you can learn to be honest with yourself as well as her. As I said in the post above, this shouldn't all be done in one conversation. Take your time explaining yourself to her. Eventually she will find out all about you, but in the mean time, try to relax with the situation, give yourself some space around it and try not to get crazy with it all. I know it's hard because you're worried about losing her. But I think you should give yourself as much love as you'd give her.
     
  5. NYHoti

    NYHoti Member

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    OP, I was told to have a conversation with the girl about "deal breakers". That way bisexuality could be brought up without actually claiming it. I think it sounds good but I don't know how it would work out.
     
  6. Bbucko

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    That depends. If you're interested in cataloging your old hook-ups to your current GF (not a wise move, IMO), then a hard dick and being lonely and bored is all that's required for justification.

    One thing I noticed in the OP was your statement about your "penis" having these experiences. Though it might have seemed that your dick did most of the work, I feel odd in needing to remind you that your entire body and mind went along for the ride, too. There must have been something intriguing about these people aside from available hole. That must be where the "self-loathing" comes in.

    I'll say that my least successful relationships always involved denying an essential part of my sensuality/sexual behavior in an effort to shield myself from being harshly judged by someone I'm just getting to know. Though my issues don't revolve around orientation as much as behavior, there's still a correlation.

    In my case, it's a predilection for what I've come to call extreme sex: SM, WS, fisting, etc. When I was younger, I was not willing to talk about such interests with several of my long-term partners, and the results were either becoming almost asexual or finding ways outside of the relationship to explore. Neither of these approaches enhanced the relationship in any way at all, though they did underscore the shame I felt about wanting/needing such things incorporated into my sex-life.

    So, now that I'm in my 50s, and haven't been in a LTR for seven years, I've resolved to make my needs and desires clear before attempting my next affair. Though they didn't work out (for other reasons), my last several attempts at beginning a new relationship have all been predicated on his knowledge of my requirement for extreme sex. In fact, in most cases, it's how we met :cool:
     
  7. MarkLondon

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    I doubt that you "qualify" as bisexual. Particularly since you have had one encounter with a man which you say you didn't enjoy. You seem to be attracted to people by their female characteristics. That's straight to me.

    Were the transexual women pre- or post-op? (Were they "lady-boys" with penises, or women who had completed their re-assignment?) And how did you manage to find 18 of them?
     
  8. Unnamed

    Unnamed Member

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    I was joking about self-loathing and penis. My dick and I are often on the same page, if not the same black-book.
     
  9. Unnamed

    Unnamed Member

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    And I think the issue with trust derive from the fact that we've been open, but I've withheld this information from her thus far.
     
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