headbang8: [quote author=Rain link=board=meetgreet;num=1065978028;start=0#1 date=10/12/03 at 11:13:04]
So, no matter what I do in my life otherwise, I can't help but feel bad about myself. I think as I age, my perspective will get a little bit more reasonable. ... And, despite my size, my feelings aren't that positive...
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I struggle with this, too, Rain. I've put in years of work on the problem. At 46, I haven't yet fixed it. But I'll share what I've learned from shrinks, gurus, wise friends and my own experience.
Fact: You learn self-worth as a child, from your experience of being loved.
Kids are quick to pick up any holes in the blanket of love that should surround them.
Tell me, Rain, what kind of family life did you have as you grew up? Was it supportive, or critical? Did you feel you could count on your parents' love and respect no matter what you did? Were moments of praise and affection drowned out by a chorus of discipline or rebuke? Did you feel a bit on edge as a child, not quite knowing what you needed to do to ensure your parents approval? Just as bad, did you know exactly what you had to do, and know equally that if you didn't do it you'd be
persona non grata? Were they drunk? Did they have personal problems they had to solve before they could get around to you? Or maybe you sensed they simply didn't care.
Any of those are textbook recipies for adults with our kind of problem. We look to our jobs, our bank balances, our IQs, even our dicks to convince us that we're worth something. It never helps. As Hapi says, any imperfection derails us, and we start at the bottom again.
Pecker is a lucky man. Every worn pair of shoes told him, loud and clear, that he belonged. Lots of parents destroy that confidence in their kids.
He also cautions us that we can destroy it in our own heart though self-pity. Beating the demon takes constant work. And I find the work doesn't get any easier as I get older.
Most self-help books on self-esteem get mired in self-pity (forgive the clumsy sentence!). Here's one that doesn't.
I Don't Want to Talk About It by Terence Real.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t...002-1949436-7658457?v=glance&s=books&n=507846
If your family was really screwed up (like mine was) you might wish to check out the ACoA groups in your area. I attend a local group here in Tokyo, which I find immensely helpful; I learn a lot from their fellowship and strength of character. Our website address is
www.acatokyo.org, and it has a link to the US-based international site (sorry...I'm afraid I can't remember the global URL off the top of my head. The info is the same everywhere, though.)
The text will sound a bit preachy, but even if only one or two snippets ring true, you might find a visit helpful. And don't worry about the religious tone: I'm an agnostic and fit in quite happily.
Or, you can print out the collected works of Pecker and keep them on your nightstand. He's a wise man.