The Mrs. recently found out the she is expecting for the first time and I wanted some advise from everyone here as how to sensitively suggest that she get an abortion without it ruining my marriage?
Sensitive issue: How to ask for an abortion
- Thread starter swordfishME
- Start date
Talk with your wife about the baby, plans for your future as a couple and as a family, et cetera. The sorts of things any couple should talk about when they get pregnant.
As for bringing up abortion... geez that's a tricky one. On the one hand, I'd say you're a colossal jerk if you're going to try to convince her to do that if it's not something she wants to do. That's the kind of decision that will stay with you your entire life. On the other hand, having a child will stay with you your entire life, too, and if you don't want one and you aren't honest with your wife about this that's not really fair to her or the kid. Of course, shirking your responsibility should you two want different things isn't exactly fair to them, either, so maybe you should just suck it up.
Still, communicate as much as possible.
As for bringing up abortion... geez that's a tricky one. On the one hand, I'd say you're a colossal jerk if you're going to try to convince her to do that if it's not something she wants to do. That's the kind of decision that will stay with you your entire life. On the other hand, having a child will stay with you your entire life, too, and if you don't want one and you aren't honest with your wife about this that's not really fair to her or the kid. Of course, shirking your responsibility should you two want different things isn't exactly fair to them, either, so maybe you should just suck it up.
Still, communicate as much as possible.
Wow, Jeff, you have courage in posting how to handle the issue of an abortion with your wife. You may receive the whole gamut of opinions on one of the most controversial subjects in (American) society, but I hope the responses you will get will be thoughtful and constructive.
Is this an accidental pregancy for the two of you? Were you using contraception in your marriage beforehand, and this pregnancy was a result of that rare occurence when the contraception didn't work? I ask for clarification to help frame the response.
Without knowing much about the circumstances, I recommend that "abortion" not be your opening gambit with her. You can level with her that perhaps the two of you, as a couple, are not situationally able to raise a child right now. Then ask if she feels comfortable with carrying the baby to term and giving it up for adoption, or if abortion is a preferable option because the experience of pregnancy will be too traumatic. Getting her thoughts/input on this pregnancy before you reveal your own thoughts is key. You may even want to hold off a day on revealing your own position.
Just start with the simple, open-ended question, "How do you feel about this pregnancy?". Inquire and just listen, draw her position out explicitly. Reglect back to her your understanding of her position. Then carefully introduce your own position. This is a matter of communication above all else. If the communication breaks down, so too will your marriage.
Best wishes in resolving this complex issue.
Is this an accidental pregancy for the two of you? Were you using contraception in your marriage beforehand, and this pregnancy was a result of that rare occurence when the contraception didn't work? I ask for clarification to help frame the response.
Without knowing much about the circumstances, I recommend that "abortion" not be your opening gambit with her. You can level with her that perhaps the two of you, as a couple, are not situationally able to raise a child right now. Then ask if she feels comfortable with carrying the baby to term and giving it up for adoption, or if abortion is a preferable option because the experience of pregnancy will be too traumatic. Getting her thoughts/input on this pregnancy before you reveal your own thoughts is key. You may even want to hold off a day on revealing your own position.
Just start with the simple, open-ended question, "How do you feel about this pregnancy?". Inquire and just listen, draw her position out explicitly. Reglect back to her your understanding of her position. Then carefully introduce your own position. This is a matter of communication above all else. If the communication breaks down, so too will your marriage.
Best wishes in resolving this complex issue.
Rubenesque
Expert Member
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2006
- Posts
- 2,611
- Media
- 5
- Likes
- 109
- Points
- 193
- Location
- United Kingdom
- Sexuality
- 100% Straight, 0% Gay
- Gender
- Female
If you really didn't want to have children then it's something you should've
sensitively raised before having sex, then you should've sensitively taken some responsibility with regards to contraception!
sensitively raised before having sex, then you should've sensitively taken some responsibility with regards to contraception!
BigA
Experimental Member
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2006
- Posts
- 821
- Media
- 0
- Likes
- 9
- Points
- 163
- Age
- 42
- Location
- you won't find me
- Sexuality
- 99% Straight, 1% Gay
- Gender
- Male
- BigA,
that was really helpful
Is she opposed to abortion? If she is, you probably shouldn't do it at all. Otherwise you should just ask her how she feels about having a baby right now
Rubenesque
Expert Member
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2006
- Posts
- 2,611
- Media
- 5
- Likes
- 109
- Points
- 193
- Location
- United Kingdom
- Sexuality
- 100% Straight, 0% Gay
- Gender
- Female
It might not be helpful BigA - but it's a bloody fact!
And you don't just ask a pregnant woman if she really wants to have a baby, what's sensitive about that???
I'm all for a woman's right to choose, don't think for a second that I'm opposed to abortion, I'm not. But I've had friends who have done it and it has haunted them forever.
The issue must be raised if he really isn't prepared to be a father - but I wouldn't want to be in his shoes - I've been pregnant, we're not always very rational with all those hormones rushing around our bodies.
And you don't just ask a pregnant woman if she really wants to have a baby, what's sensitive about that???
I'm all for a woman's right to choose, don't think for a second that I'm opposed to abortion, I'm not. But I've had friends who have done it and it has haunted them forever.
The issue must be raised if he really isn't prepared to be a father - but I wouldn't want to be in his shoes - I've been pregnant, we're not always very rational with all those hormones rushing around our bodies.
sorry, my bad for not explaining my motivation behind the request. We have been married for 2 1/2 years and we both had talked about not wanting kids until our atleast 6-8 years into the marriage. We have always used protection because of my bisexual tendencies. It never occoured to us that the condom might fail to prevent pregnancy. She seems to want to keep it and I still want to enjoy a few years of stress free life (I am not mentally prepared for fatherhood yet). This is a very complicated situation for me because I stongly feel that if she keeps this child I will resent her for the rest of my life (honestly though, I am more afraid of resenting the child than her) and if she does aborts it and does not want to she will resent me. I just dont know what to do....
Rubenesque
Expert Member
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2006
- Posts
- 2,611
- Media
- 5
- Likes
- 109
- Points
- 193
- Location
- United Kingdom
- Sexuality
- 100% Straight, 0% Gay
- Gender
- Female
If she seems to want to keep it then your desires for a stress free life will probably have to be sacrificed, simple as that. It's harsh, but it's true.
If you feel you will resent her for wanting to keep the child you both had a part in creating, then you probably don't really love her as much as you'd like us, and yourself, to think you do.
If you tried to force an abortion on her, it could possibly lead to not only her resenting you, but her suffering mental anguish for the rest of her life.
My words might seem harsh, but this is a harsh situation. I'm sorry for your problem, it's always a shame when yet another child is considered a 'mistake'. I hope you manage to come to a decision that pleases you both.
If you feel you will resent her for wanting to keep the child you both had a part in creating, then you probably don't really love her as much as you'd like us, and yourself, to think you do.
If you tried to force an abortion on her, it could possibly lead to not only her resenting you, but her suffering mental anguish for the rest of her life.
My words might seem harsh, but this is a harsh situation. I'm sorry for your problem, it's always a shame when yet another child is considered a 'mistake'. I hope you manage to come to a decision that pleases you both.
Lordpendragon
Experimental Member
Jeffrey - I am almost 100% pro female choice on abortion - the hardest question for me is when the woman wishes to and the father doesn't.
In your case, I would say go with what has happened - life is a funny old journey - don't think that you can plan and be in control of everything.
Who is to say that this kid won't be the best thing that has ever happened to you.
If you can see that your wife is happy with the situation, now is the time that she needs your total support.
Good luck.
In your case, I would say go with what has happened - life is a funny old journey - don't think that you can plan and be in control of everything.
Who is to say that this kid won't be the best thing that has ever happened to you.
If you can see that your wife is happy with the situation, now is the time that she needs your total support.
Good luck.
BigA
Experimental Member
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2006
- Posts
- 821
- Media
- 0
- Likes
- 9
- Points
- 163
- Age
- 42
- Location
- you won't find me
- Sexuality
- 99% Straight, 1% Gay
- Gender
- Male
Rubenesque
Expert Member
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2006
- Posts
- 2,611
- Media
- 5
- Likes
- 109
- Points
- 193
- Location
- United Kingdom
- Sexuality
- 100% Straight, 0% Gay
- Gender
- Female
There's a saying that goes, if you wait until you're able to afford and totally ready for children, you'll NEVER have them. And I think it's true.
I'm like Kotchanski, my pregnancy wasn't exactly planned. I was only 20 and really worried about how we'd cope. But we did, you just do. And now I am blessed.
You know what they say.... if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans lol
I'm like Kotchanski, my pregnancy wasn't exactly planned. I was only 20 and really worried about how we'd cope. But we did, you just do. And now I am blessed.
You know what they say.... if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans lol
jeff black
Expert Member
I second the comments made by Kotchanski.
When you have sex, you risk getting pregnant. Yes, the pill and condoms obviously prevent most of it, but it isn't 100%.
I think the best thing to do is, look at this as a gift. This child was conceived despite protection. It would have two parents. Some children only have one.
I agree that you should talk with her. If you must consider abortion, also consider adoption and the idea of keeping the baby. Don't just go in there and State Abortion Or NOTHING!!!
Since this is a surprise, you are probably still very shocked. You need time to cool off. Think about it. A baby grows on you, especially when you realize that it is YOUR Child. Are you so willing to get rid of something that is Half yours and HALF of the person you love more than anyone else in the world?
BigA
Experimental Member
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2006
- Posts
- 821
- Media
- 0
- Likes
- 9
- Points
- 163
- Age
- 42
- Location
- you won't find me
- Sexuality
- 99% Straight, 1% Gay
- Gender
- Male
- BigA,
well, one of my thouhts is... if you are a decent person and do have the child, you will not regret it years from now. put that in your pipe and smoke it
to elaborate this point, if u have the child you will love it and not regret it being born. Yet, on the other hand, ignorance is bliss.. so i'm not sure what u shud do lol
to elaborate this point, if u have the child you will love it and not regret it being born. Yet, on the other hand, ignorance is bliss.. so i'm not sure what u shud do lol
rob_just_rob
Sexy Member
Methinks the two of you should have talked about what you would do in the event of an unintended pregnancy, long ago.
There is no sensitive way to ask for an abortion.
There is no sensitive way to ask for an abortion.
Lordpendragon
Experimental Member
ajay38
Experimental Member
- Joined
- Sep 8, 2006
- Posts
- 46
- Media
- 8
- Likes
- 5
- Points
- 228
- Location
- Maryland, DC
- Sexuality
- 100% Gay, 0% Straight
- Gender
- Male
The thought that you might resent her for the remainder of your marriage is really just puerile. Relationships have all sorts of challenges and yet we don't reserve the right to be "resentful" should things not work out to all of our expectations. I sympathise with you since yes it is a challenge and a huge responsibility bringing a child into the world. Your life will never be the same. But it also can be a huge blessing and if you make the decision to cherish this child you will probably never look back with regret. That said, life is not perfect and it could all go to shit. But it's a crapshoot, life that is. So buck up and make a commitment that you won't be resentful it's really about your character. If your petty and shallow yes you might resent her or the child. But if you make the decision to take responsibility and make something of the situation then it will be a huge character building excercise. Who knows you might find it to be a hugely rewarding and life enriching experience...that is what I'm betting.
Similar threads
