Sensitive issue: How to ask for an abortion

[wifeofalargeman]

I went with a friend to get an abortion. Moral support, me and 2 others. I will never forget that day for the rest of my life. If you make the decision
to abort by gosh you had better go all the way thru this with her. My friend still has nightmares not just about the abortion but the chaos surrounding the clinic, people do not want you to go in there, they don't make it easy, emotionally or physically. Oh, and the guy who didn't want the baby, dumped her for someother reason, I feel sure he doesn't think about that child every day like she does. The weight of this decision lays on your wife, how commited are you to her? Are you going to be there for her afterwards? Is there more to this than a pregnancy?

 

[MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK]

If you really didn't want to have children then it's something you should've
sensitively raised before having sex, then you should've sensitively taken some responsibility with regards to contraception!

Dig it, There is a section in your local pharmacy/health& beauty section
of whatever store you patronize called family planning.You might want to consider incorporating that into your daily sex life if you don't want children just yet.

Yeah, he made a mistake obviously. he doesn't need to be scolded about it. anyway, accidents happen

Wrong. He came to us asking our opinions about the whole damned thing. We have the right to express ourselves on the subject, good or bad.
And on a final note; I don't have children yet, but, I'd like to consider anytime I ever was responsible for procreating another life, it was no accident; Life is not an accident.

 

[chesz001]

i'm against abortion..so i wouldnt consider of advicing it to anyone..you should be responsible enough to your actions and take the consequences...

 

[Gisella]

sorry, my bad for not explaining my motivation behind the request. We have been married for 2 1/2 years and we both had talked about not wanting kids until our atleast 6-8 years into the marriage. We have always used protection because of my bisexual tendencies. It never occoured to us that the condom might fail to prevent pregnancy. She seems to want to keep it and I still want to enjoy a few years of stress free life (I am not mentally prepared for fatherhood yet). This is a very complicated situation for me because I stongly feel that if she keeps this child I will resent her for the rest of my life (honestly though, I am more afraid of resenting the child than her) and if she does aborts it and does not want to she will resent me. I just dont know what to do....

Be very very wise and sensitive about how you are going to approach the issue, and do not ever say you do not want the baby if she wants it in a marriage situation because it may hunt you for a long time...but talk about your agreed plan of 6y and that you are afraid, and etc. But please do talk.

Is none of my business but why a married couple have to use condom as bith control method...the freedom of steady relationships is to ge rid of it for good. But, you say you are bi..than you have to use condons inside the marriage because you choose not using them outside it? As I said is none of my business and if you 2 are ok with that is what matter.

Ps:If I was a male in a situation of no way want get pregnant I would do everything possible to make sure preventing it...make sure she is responsable herself and the methods being used double it. With all the paying support and stuff that goes on in many males single parents lifes because of the laws...I would be very very sure of no surprises on my way. Plus the law in my view must change because women can not have all the 'powers' in her hands as being able to abort when a man do not wish she did it and to have it when a man has not desire it. If laws change as you 'pay' yourself for your offspring/s, teens and young adults sexual behaviour would change and much less would have the mindset it still goes on today... And with all the preventions we have and the morning after pill!

 

[Rubenesque]

Plus the law in my view must change because women can not have all the 'powers' in her hands as being able to abort when a man do not wish she did it and to have it when a man has not desire it

I have to disagree with this point, although I'm sure it won't make me very popular. I think ultimately if a woman goes ahead, or doesn't, should be her choice. Particularly in the case of a woman wanting to keep her baby and the father wanting it aborted.

It's not so clear cut in the reverse, and my pity is with any man who wants to keep the child and the mother wants an abortion.

It's a really tricky subject.... but I think that as it is the woman who will carry the child, or not, and she who will go through a medical procedure, or not, it really must be her who has the final choice.

 

[rob_just_rob]

I have to disagree with this point, although I'm sure it won't make me very popular. I think ultimately if a woman goes ahead, or doesn't, should be her choice. Particularly in the case of a woman wanting to keep her baby and the father wanting it aborted.

It's not so clear cut in the reverse, and my pity is with any man who wants to keep the child and the mother wants an abortion.

It's a really tricky subject.... but I think that as it is the woman who will carry the child, or not, and she who will go through a medical procedure, or not, it really must be her who has the final choice.

I've been trying to wrap my head around that one for some time.

 

[Gisella]

I have to disagree with this point, although I'm sure it won't make me very popular. I think ultimately if a woman goes ahead, or doesn't, should be her choice. Particularly in the case of a woman wanting to keep her baby and the father wanting it aborted.

It's not so clear cut in the reverse, and my pity is with any man who wants to keep the child and the mother wants an abortion.

It's a really tricky subject.... but I think that as it is the woman who will carry the child, or not, and she who will go through a medical procedure, or not, it really must be her who has the final choice.

I do understand Denise..I'm pro-choice. Choice between adults and mature people involved.

But is not 'fair' the laws at least in the US for the males...they have to pay for 'eveything'..if they dont we tax payers have their bills...

Than there are an wellfare 'industry' going on..where people who even not afford take care of themselves are having babies because of 'their' choices in having it...if they can choose so freely they must take care of it.

If couples are in relationship is a different matter but many are not and it happens in a casual relationship that most males were not even really emotionaly attached with womem...do we expect that the most important support they can give to their offsprings will be there? With all the resentment going on by take most of their pay checkings?

As a woman I do feel shame really for whats going on in the name of pro-choice...

 

[Rubenesque]

But as has been said so many times on this thread, if a guy gets a casual lover pregnant then he should've taken more care with contraception. It would absolutely barbaric to force a woman to abort a child if she really wanted to keep it.

 

[Gisella]

But as has been said so many times on this thread, if a guy gets a casual lover pregnant then he should've taken more care with contraception. It would absolutely barbaric to force a woman to abort a child if she really wanted to keep it.

Yep..I do agree that to abort in any circuntances is not a light issue...for this very motive prevention is the best option...but in an steady relationship, a marriage one would be very painful to a woman wanting to carry it be told she must not... yep, in this particular situation would be emotionaly devastating to some.


I do have some friends who choose to keep pregnancy from not steady relationships and the men are no longer in the picture even check on their kids...they, my friends did choose to not get any $ support to, was their decision...I was one of their friends who remind them at that emotional situation that have other options, but they were sure not want to abort 'ever' since the beggining.

I personaly would not want carry any pregnancy from any casual, broken, dead, etc relationship . I have seen too much already since growing up to choose this road. To me having a baby is a great event , made by love with planning..it is welcome and embraced by 'us' their parents that have a meaninful growing relationship going on. I do not want or fit for single parenting, be a mother and a father, or have all the responsabilities by myself ...but it is how I feel.

 

[Gisella]

And another thing I want to touch...(Jeffery..excuse me using your thread, ok?)

But I want to just touch about males feelings in getting pregnant...many men do feel very much so when we are pregnant, they are ansiously and happy expecting it too, and many are very devasted with the lost of a pregnancy...

I had 4 miscarriges when married ( I do blame depo-provera..) and my ex-husband was just devasted and is very hard to men deal with their emotions and feelings open as we know...they do feel deep their own way their loss, our loss..

:hug: very very sad indeed and my empathy to anyone who know how it feels. xoxoxo.

 

[Paul Vincent]

Baby, what are we gonna do?
I barely have enough money for 2
Baby, what are we gonna do?
I don't want to regret what I've done to you
I never would've thought that this would happen
To a very careful man like me
But baby, pretty baby, we're gonna work it out, yeah
I love you... I love you, can't you see?
Baby, baby, baby
It's you, 'said it's you that I truly adore
Ooo, baby, baby (baby, baby)
Ooo, baby, babe...
I hope our baby has eyes just like yours (just like yours)

Thought 'twas appropriate :biggrin1:

Anyway most people having children can't afford it and there are some 'baby machines' like that woman who was on Wife Swap who pop babies out just for money and live off the State. It makes no sense to me. Except maybe they can't afford contraception...but then its free if you go to a clinic. Maybe its education (or lack of).

There is no polite way to ask for an abortion, especially if the woman is 'thrilled'. I would bring up the financial situation and say you couldn't afford a baby (at least I know I can't!) and just talk about the practicalities.





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[joyboytoy79]

This thread was started by someone looking for HELP and ADVICE not to have assholes throwing crap around about the murder of an innocent child.

The OP clearly isn't against abortion as he is clearly viewing it as an option, so spout unhelpful condemnations about something he is more than entitled to consider is no help at all. This isn't a thread about wether abortion is right or wrong or how many people agree with it, its about how to deal with ones emotions when contemplating a very difficult choice in life.

Please try and be a little more sensitive people.

I'm with you kotch.

This is not the right place to be spouting off on the morality, blah, blah, blah about abortion. If you don't agree with abortion, and aren't willing to set that asside to offer this man REASONABLE advice about his situation, then you need to keep your two cents out. It's quite simple really.

 

[Pirate Wench]

I am pro-choice myself......
But like others here have said, stay away from mentioning abortion as much as possible.

Do you know if your wife is pro-choice generally speaking ?
Has she voiced her opinion on abortion in the past ?

If she has always been opposed to abortion in the past.....in her mind, it will be the same as you asking her to kill someone.

I hate to ask but I see you are in the middle east and was wondering about something.
Your English is as good as anyone's so are you a US citizen ?
You both live there in the middle east ?
Or are you in the military and your wife at home in the states ?

I know a woman who became pregnant at a most inconvenient time.....but had her child.
Abortion was not on the table as an option due to her personal beliefs.
But she is glad she had the child....she was single at the time.
The child is now 13 and everything's cool.

Going ahead and having the baby may not turn out to be the bad upheaval you imagine.
Yes, it changes your life forever.......but it is an experience like no other in many good ways.

I probably didn't help you any.....but I wish you luck.
Lots of good advice here in this thread.

 

[sokrokr]

I'm all for a woman's right to choose, don't think for a second that I'm opposed to abortion, I'm not. But I've had friends who have done it and it has haunted them forever.

That's the story I've often heard too... many people don't realize how hard an abortion is on the woman, it's not necessarily the easy way.

Before you even bring it up with your wife, make sure you're educated on what an abortion actually is. It tends to be filtered out of the media to the point that many don't really understand it.

Check out www.ABORT73.com, I highly recommend it.



As for my personal advice, if you're not financially capable of giving the child what it needs, consider your options for adoption. You can chose to either waive all rights to the child and do it virtually anonymously, or you can chose to keep your names available and, I believe, hold on to a few basic rights regarding the child.

I have to agree with others in saying that if you do intend to spend your life with this woman and have the financial means to provide for the child, you really don't have any say in the matter. Don't abort your firstborn because the pregnancy was simply inconvenient or unplanned. Every time you look at your second or third you'll wonder what the first would have turned out like.

 

[AlteredEgo]

My thoughts:

Resentment is an emotional response. I learned not terribly long ago that we can all choose how we respond, emotionally, to a situation. Choose not to feel resentment, and work hard to live that choice. It's not as easy as it sounds, sure, but it can be done.

You and the Mrs. have discussed this before. You made plans. I would ask her about those plans as another poster suggested. I would ask her if anything has changed besides pregnancy. Maybe she's been wanting a child, and being silent in deference to your wishes to wait. But now the child is on his or her way.

Others have reminded you that abortion isn't the only answer here. I agree with them that you might explore all of your options, out loud, wit your wife. It won't be a fun conversation.

Further thoughts:

Change is very, very hard to accept. And this pregnancy equals change. Are you sure you aren't just feeling resistant to change? Remeber: That which cannot bend will srely break.

 

[WessexEN]

It's a really tricky subject....

TRICKEY SUBJECT?
After reading this thread, this appears to be more fitting:
http://img54.imageshack.us/img54/2488/dangerminefieldeg3.jpg

;-)

But seriously
So, I think I'll bin my thoughts of abortion, but what I will say is talk to your wife in a neutral, non deogratroy, non-agressive, non-voilent, open minded way. Don't force her, don't perswade her, just tell her how it feels from your POV.
Also, be respectful from her POV and decisions.

That said, atleast for me, I have to make it clear that I am not willing to have children at all in a relationship, as for me, I feel I cannot sufficently look after a child.



image swiped from www.shop.edirectory.co.uk, rehosted on imageshack for bandwidth reasons. Please PM if you want me to remove the image, I'd be happy to oblige.

 

[68306]

To my father, I was an accident.
To my mother, I was planned.
To me, I am me.

And I wouldn't know if I wasn't given the chance.

 

[HotBulge]

Thanks Kotchanski for advocating sensitivity.

I have to agree about being sensitive to Jeff's situation. This shouldn't be a forum about the morality of abortion; if so, then one can start a separate thread under ETC, ETC and debate away. This specific thread is about helping Jeff see multiple facets of a very personal marital issue and encouraging him to make a decison that works best for his wife and him.

• Urging mutual communication with his wife has been helpful
• Committing to providing emotional support for his wife through an abortion has been helpful.
• Encouraging Jeff to actively solicit and consider his wife's perspective w/o pressure has been helpful.
• Contemplating a life of resentment as one consequence has been helpful.
• Considering adoption as one alternative has been helpful

Guilt trips about abortion is not helpful.

Other than fear and an altered life plan, it would be helpful to know what other circumstances motivate Jeff's desire for an abortion. Would a baby cause considerable financial hardship? Jeff, Are you in the military in the Middle East, as someone suggested, and there isn't enough social/familial support to help your wife in your absence?

This thread was started by someone looking for HELP and ADVICE not to have assholes throwing crap around about the murder of an innocent child.

The OP clearly isn't against abortion as he is clearly viewing it as an option, so spout unhelpful condemnations about something he is more than entitled to consider is no help at all. This isn't a thread about wether abortion is right or wrong or how many people agree with it, its about how to deal with ones emotions when contemplating a very difficult choice in life.

Please try and be a little more sensitive people.

 

[BigA]

consider the worst case scenario. when u have a kid u are tied to him for 18 years... but he may actually depend on u for longer than that. So your obligation never ends. your kid will probably be less happy than u

 

[68306]

Rightly said BigA, and I got many years of proof


Unless you know what you are doing, parenthood is like spending your time in a casino...