Sepulchral Silence

Discussion in 'Fictitious Stories' started by Isil_Siluvalyë, Feb 22, 2007.

  1. Isil_Siluvalyë

    Isil_Siluvalyë New Member

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    Alright, while this doesn't seem to be quite the genre most of the stories on here (All the ones I've read are quite a different genre, but I imagine they're not all for those with dick-in-hand....), I thought that I'd like to see what people thought of it.... And yes, I know, it's a lot like...another story...but bear with me. Also, if you find any blatent typographical errors, tell me. And no, it's not finished, and I don't know if and when it will be finished, so don't ask! :tongue:

    Sepulchral Silence


    A flash; a bang; then silence. The sepulchral silence in which no one dares breathe, let alone move. Then, a quickly as the deadening silence began, it left, the jubilant chorus beginning once again, just as it was before the violent overcoming.
    Drip. Drip. Drip. Never stopping its percussive beat so long as the torrent from above continued its steady shower. A flash; a bang. Once again the silence overtook the gentle beat, only to be again swallowed by the dripping and the dropping of the water from above.
    Through the darkness and the haze of the day turned night came the bright melody of two conversing voices, one a rich bass, the other a gentle tenor, both adding a trickle of laughter to the already pouring rain. Slowly, as the two figures walked along, strains of conversation could be heard over the cacophonous noise of the rain.
    “You do so know what an edifice is! Liar!” said the smaller of the two shapes that seemed to belong to the voices.
    “Alright, I do know what an edifice is, but that doesn’t mean I am one!” protested the larger.
    “You’re six-foot bloody nine! There are monuments that are smaller!”
    “Fine, but you’re not all that short yourself, Mr. Five-Foot-Ten.”.
    They both chuckled softly before falling silent, watching the water gently burbling over the leaves and pebbles lining the gutter.
    “You know,” began the taller of the two, “I really do love you, John.”.
    “I love you too, Bill” came a reply muffled by the larger’s shoulder.
    And so the stood, the rain pouring down them, arms wrapped around each other.

    ‡‡~‡~‡~‡~‡‡
    A flash; a bang; then silence; a silence only broken by a soft scratching a few moments later.


    ‡‡~‡~‡~‡~‡‡

    A flash; a bang; then silence; only broken by the low rumbling of the engine and the wipers splashing back and forth across the windscreen. The radio crackled to life with a pop and a steady hiss before resolving in a man’s disgruntled voice on the other end.
    “Hey, you on your way here, or not?”
    “Yes, Andy, I’m on my way…and you rushing me isn’t gonna speed up traffic any.”.
    “Well…just hurry up! The new intern’s here and he looks like a puppy that’ll wet himself if he doesn’t get doing something…” there was the sound of someone covering the microphone with their sleeve and muffled shouting:
    “Jack! Go tell the little guy to run around the block, or something! He’s getting in the way!”, someone replied with a muffled “Sure,” and Andy returned, sounding a tad out of breath.
    “Just hurry, Graham…this isn’t a big block.”.
    The driver of the car clicked off the radio with a small sigh and a chuckle, the sound of the rain hitting the windscreen leaving his mind free to wonder how the graphologist intern had gotten there before him.


    ‡‡~‡~‡~‡~‡‡



    “Yo! Andy! When are the crime nerds going to get here?”
    Andy sighed and turned to the officer, a slight tightening at the corners of the supervisor’s mouth hinting that the officer had said something the boss-man didn’t approve of. “First of all, they’re not ‘crime nerds’, secondly, Graham outranks you, and thirdly, he just pulled up. I’d also advise that you watch your tongue around me, after all, I do tell the sheriff who she should bump up in pay every time she thinks we need raises…”
    ‡‡~‡~‡~‡~‡‡


    By that time Graham had gotten out of the vehicle and grabbed his kit out of the back, the heavy box filled with an assortment of powders, vials, spray bottles, rolls of film, and anything else one would think you might want at a crime scene…and a few things you wouldn’t.
    “You know, Andy…you could have just told him to get you a coffee or something…he wouldn’t be sweating then, and would have less chance of contaminating the scene,” Graham said, pointedly nodding at the returning intern.
    “Yeah, yeah…what’s done is done, and Danny and Michael just arrived, so you should get to work…and before you ask, the coroner’s already checked the bodies out, so do what you want.” replied Andy with a small shrug before stepping into the small house which had been declared a crime scene.


    ‡‡~‡~‡~‡~‡‡


    “Suzie-que, can you pass me the salt?”
    “Sure can, Snickerdoodle, but you want to ask if I will, don’t you?” she replied with a sly wink.
    “Okay, okay, will you pass me the salt, please?” he repeated with a small sigh, though the smile that crept onto his lips gave away the fact that he wasn’t quite as irritated as the sigh might imply. “You know, one of these days someone might find mistakes in the semantics of your speech, and then what will you do?”
    “That might happen, but it’s not like I won’t find mistakes in their speech too, though…if they have utterly perfect speech, I may just have to have a very nice debate with them about the finer points of the English language, a debate which I obviously could never have with you!” her words dripping with sarcasm, she passed the little rocket-shaped salt shaker they had received when they got married two years ago.
    Feigning a cross between anger and disgust, he snatched the shaker out of her hand and grumpily started salinating his dinner with short quick jabs of the inverted shaker.
    “Aw, my little Snickerdoodle! Don’t be that way! I’m only teasing! I can have rudimentary debates with you about English too!” she chuckled slightly, poking his arm gently across the table and trying to hide her amusement with a pouting look. “Besides, you know you can beat me if I were to even attempt to debate with you about the logistics of running a—there’s the door! Would you get it for me, my shnookums?” she asked at the curt triple knock at the front door.
    “Sure thing, Suzie-que! I wonder who that is though, after all, it’s 10:00 o’clock at night…no one should be out and about…wasn’t it raining about half an hour ago? I’m pretty sure it was…oh well, it’s not like we don’t have enough food for another guest!” his voice fading as he stood up and walked away from the dining room. The click of the lock and the clink of the latch were quickly followed by the opening of the door and a stranger’s voice.
    “Excuse me, a crime was committed down the street and we were wondering if you’ve seen anything? May we come in?”
    “Oh, yes! Certainly, officer! Come, come! Me and my wife will try to do everything we can, though I can’t remember hearing or seeing anything out of the ordinary…I just remember seeing that lovely homosexual couple from down the street walking in the rain…did they do something? I always thought that the shorter one was trouble, didn’t I say that when we first met them, Suzie-que? What did they—”
    “Pardon me, Sir, but the couple you mentioned…did you see anyone going in or out of their house? Anyone…looking around their property? Anything like that?”.
    “No, not that I can remember…do you remember seeing anything Suzie-que?”
     
  2. Isil_Siluvalyë

    Isil_Siluvalyë New Member

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    And since the formatting's being stupid, I'll leave it off there...at least for this post. If you want me to try to get the rest of it to work, just speak up...else I'll just go back to writing my emo-stuff. (That was sarcasm, for those that didn't catch it....)
     
  3. SpoiledPrincess

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    I hope you'll take this criticism constructively, I found there to be too much speech in it, and I found the speech unrealistic. Unless he has a puke bag handy I suggest she doesn't call him Snickerdoodle :) My suggestion is to keep the spoken parts much shorter, for instance - she asks him to get the door, he says 'Yes, sure,' wondering who it might be at 10 on a rainy night he went to open the door.
     
  4. Isil_Siluvalyë

    Isil_Siluvalyë New Member

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    I'm just happy someone read it! Let alone that they didn't just give me the--and here I'm quoting my best Social teacher ever--"porrige-response".

    While a fair number of people tend to believe that "ya its gud rit mor" is helpful, it really isn't.

    Anyways, thank you for the criticism, and I'll definately keep that in mind for my next story...muhahahaha...if you wanted though, I could put up the rest...that was about three of six pages, I believe. I'll keep writing it the way I have, since I hate rewriting until I'm done, but I'm glad you said that.

    And is it bad that my "brother's" parents call each other that? I don't have much experience with normal couples, so I don't really know how that should go.... *blush*
     
  5. SpoiledPrincess

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    after two years of marriage its usually 'pass the salt pig face' :)
     
  6. Isil_Siluvalyë

    Isil_Siluvalyë New Member

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    Hahahaha, that's funny...wait...I remember my mom telling me that my dad and her used to call each other "Wench" and "King Henry" during their divorce.... And no, my dad's name isn't Henry :p
     
  7. jjsuperbird

    jjsuperbird Member

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    Hi Isil_Siluvalye:

    Great to see a fellow Canadian posting stories! Hope all is well in Calgary.

    Like Spoiledprincess, I read your story and found it interesting. I agree with her constructive criticism. And, as one who likes feedback on my stories, I also agreed with your comments back. :beerchug:

    The formatting was not a problem. It adds creativity. Unfortunately, my old eyes find the small font size difficult to read. Maybe an extra line space between paragraphs would help or bump the font by one or two.

    Remember, people tend to read this section of LPSG for some sexual tension -- or should I say release of sexual tension. I for one hope physical descriptions and erotic action will start to appear soon.

    Keep going.
     
  8. Isil_Siluvalyë

    Isil_Siluvalyë New Member

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    Hehehe, well...you never know what will happen when I actually start writing the seventh page.... That was three, so I suppose I should put up the next three and hope that I get a muse soon....
     
  9. Montauk

    Montauk New Member

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    yikes
     
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