I have read on LPSG and on different sites about serosorting. It all makes logical sense to me. And I have some concerns. First off, I'm HIV negative. I've been out and sexually active with men since I was 24, I'm 37 now. I grew up and came of age when we didn't know what AIDS was and why gay men were dying. I grew up afraid of being sexually attracted to men because I thought I might catch "it" and die, since when I was in my teens we didn't know what was causing this "Gay Cancer." I have practiced safer sex, using condoms for anal sex for 13 years now. I don't use condoms for oral sex, even when I've known that the guy has been HIV positive, because it's a low risk behavior and I've been willing to accept this much risk in my life. I have had oral sex with condoms and have always felt like it tasted like I was sucking on a ballon, no matter what I did to make the condom taste better. But I digress... I don't want to minimize the experience and feelings of those who are HIV positive. I'll tread carefully and yet, I want to be able to share my feelings. There are some truly lovely people here in this forum and I've seen people share some really valuable insights and feelings with one another. So, in that spirit... I feel like I've been an HIV and AIDS survivor. Please allow me to explain. No, I don't live with the virus physically in my body, replicating inside my cells. I live with the societal, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and sexual effects of AIDS and HIV. I've seen many friends die, some of them were very close friends. There have been times where I've been so afraid that I've caught "it" that I have made myself actually physically sick, only to test negative (and for the negative results I'm grateful, don't misunderstand). I have been afraid of being sexual with men who were into me because they are HIV positive. I have had periods where I've decided not to reject guys due to their HIV positive status too, and have been at peace with it. At this point in my life, I really would like to have a husband/partner. I have had some longer term relationships. No one has ever felt like a husband to me. Dating seems to be so difficult today, whether one is gay, straight, or bisexual. There is such a fear of intimacy that we all share, it seems. I know I've felt it myself. Also, it seems to be difficult to find a guy who shares the same values, is spiritual, loving, kind, responsible, honest, and can commit. It's hard enough out there to find love, it seems... Now I've met a guy who I've been seeing for a little over a month. He seems to have many of the qualities I would like to have in a partner. He's spiritual, kind, funny, intelligent, and responsible. He's raised two of his nephews on his own. One of them is 17 and still lives with him. He's a Latino Jew. (Jewish/Mexican/Columbian/Panamanian/French) I'm a real mix too and I'm an Eastern European Jew, my Jewish ancestors having come from Byelorussia via London... We share so much in common. He's delightful to be around... I really like him. He's HIV positive. I'm HIV negative. He's very concerned that he might give me HIV no matter how careful we are. He is healthy, has a high T-cell count, and has an undetectable viral load. He's been HIV positive for almost ten years. He's never been sick because of the HIV. He takes his medication and he takes good care of himself. I'm also reasonably concerned about catching HIV from him. Yes, I've had sex with plenty of HIV positive men and I know how to protect myself. Even with other HIV negative men, I have always used condoms for anal sex and have been careful with oral hygeine, etc. And I'm still HIV negative after all of these years. When we kiss, woah, I've never felt the shaking in my gut like that before. There is a connection. When I'm around him, I feel like there are definite possibilities here for a long term relationship because it's so easy to be around each other. We share the same sense of humor, we have fun just hanging out, etc. I really like his nephew too. He's a sweetheart and a good kid. Now, I'm concerned that this guy might reject me because he is afraid that he might give me HIV. We have talked about the pressure that we both experience in the Bay Area to serosort: the practice of dating and having sex with guys who share the same serostatus only. He's more afraid than I am. He's been rejected many times by guys who are HIV negative. He's terrified that I'll leave him someday because he's HIV negative. He also says that he couldn't live with himself if he were to pass the virus on to someone else. These are very valid concerns and feelings. On my part I am less afraid of dating someone who is HIV positive as an HIV negative guy. I've never been rejected only on the basis of my serostatus. Now, there is a chance that I might be rejected by him because I'm HIV negative, he is terrified of getting close to me because he's afraid of passing the virus to me, and he's concerned that he would hold back in bed and that sex might become unenjoyable because of his fear of passing the virus to me. We've talked about how we both share the strong conviction that anal sex should be done with condoms regardless of the serostatus of either party. We've discussed how even if he were to serosort, dating only HIV positive men, he'd still have to be careful of catching something other than HIV or giving something other than HIV to the other guy. And, HIV is a big deal and his concern that he might give me HIV even if we are very careful is a valid concern. I'm a psychotherapist intern. I work with HIV positive homeless gay men. I've worked with other populations of HIV postive men for a couple of years now. I've worked with couples who have been together for over a decade where there is one partner who is HIV positive and one who is HIV negative, and they've maintained their serodiscordance for the entire relationship. And I've known couples where one has spread the virus to the other. Early on in the epidemic, once we knew what was happening and knew the facts about how HIV is spread, I was taught not to discriminate against HIV positive guys because safer sex works. These days, people are increasingly opting for serosorting. I see that HIV positive guys have started this partially to own the responsibility for not spreading the virus to HIV negative guys. And this is very positive, indeed. As an HIV negative guy there are strong arguments for serosorting, dating only those guys who I know have tested HIV negative. And yet I hesitate... I was brought up not to discriminate. This is a strong value for me. Also, I've educated myself about HIV having participated in more support groups for HIV negative men, workshops, classes, etc. than I can count. I've been working with HIV positive men in the Bay Area as a mental health professional for a few years. I have love and compassion for those who live with the virus inside of their bodies. I also believe that I'm not ignorant of my own risks in dating and having a sexual relationship with a guy who is HIV positive. And, I believe I can accept this calculated risk because I know I always practice safer sex. And yes, condoms do break... I'm sad and frustrated that HIV may prevent me from dating the sweetest guy I've met yet and a guy with whom, for the first time, I feel that there are true possibilities for something truly special. Yes, I've only known him for a little over a month. Yes, I'm going slow and I'm being careful to get to know him. No, I'm not willing to commit right away or profess my undying love and affection to him. I can say that I REALLY like him and I want to get to know him better because I feel it in my "balls to bones" that there are possibilities for us. And, he might not be able to open up to the possibilities that we could become close because he has a very real fear of passing the virus to me. I've never faced the possibility of being rejected because I'm HIV negative before. It sucks. I understand it, and still, it sucks. Any support, comments, etc. would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.