Sex abuse and why it kills

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by Onslow, Dec 11, 2006.

  1. Onslow

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    I waas about 10 years old when the nightmare began.

    At home things were a disaster and finally Pop and Mother had enough. The local church set it up for me to go to a summer camp up in Connecticut and I would be there from late JUne to just before labor day. With 6 kids, getting rid of the mistake was a relief to my parents. My dad shrugged at the idea, my mother literallly beamed.

    I arrived in late June in New Yyork and stayed with, a minister and his wife and family. The next day the minister drove me and his 2 sons along with the new sleeping bag he had bought for me and my other stuff as well as their camping stuff. In the early afternoon we arrived in Bristol Connecticut and he took us all for food and then the drive continued.
    We got to S.W. (initials of the camp) and the minister told me and his boys to stay put. He came back with a tall guy named Bill and told me I would be under Bills guidance for the summer and that he--the minister would be around and he would drive me back to the city and then get me on a bus home come September. He told me to do whatever Bill asked.

    The camp was set into different sites and had names. There was Hickory and Flatlands and others which I do not remember. I don't even know which section I was in. Bill and I walmked down a dirt path away from the minister and his kids annd arrived at a place with a covered wagon a teepee and something called a hogan, a little longer than a covered wagon and similar in look but no wheels. There were either 6 or 8 cots I don't remember its been so many years ago. Bill told me which cot I would use and which he would use which was right across from mine. The next few days went well and then on Sunday lots of kids arrived. The first 2 week session went well but the day it ended the minister came to me and told me that he was going to have to leave and that someone else would be getting me at the end of the summer. Bill had to stay since he was doing community service for drunk driving. I still thinmk he should have done 40 to life for it.

    In the middle of the first week of the second 2 wwek session, the group of us went down to the showers. There were stalls maybe 5foot by 5 foot if that and being as there were a lot of other kids and groups we were paired off. Bill told me it was him and me. In the first 2 weeks he had showered alone. He was decent that day but a few days later he started. He soaped up in front of me. Now Bill was tall, my dad was about 6 foot 1 and Bill was taller than that by a few inches and I was a short kid. I am not even 5'8" now. and as a kid I was usually the shortest one in class (I made up for it in the trousers though) Bill stood facing me and even though there was some space he got up close. Too close. He soaped up his body and his genitals and to nobodys surprise he began to stiffen. He joked about it and that was it. I got off easy but felt uncomfortable. The next few showers were similar, he would start to get an errection make a joke and then rinse off. All the time he was rigjt on top of me. In the 3rd sesion of campers Bill became bolder. It was a 1 week session not the 2 week. and after rinsing off he leaned forward right into me and given my height you can figure where his penis was. But it stopped there. Saturday came the kids left and it was me and Bill and other camp counselors and advisors. A female counselor came over and asked Bill if him and me wanted to drive down to Bristol. Bill agreed and me, Bill, Linda and anothere male counselor got into a 4 door sedan. In Bristol Bill bought some beer and when we were back in the car he opened one and offered to the others and tthen me. Linda said it was wrong, Bill said something and Linda essentially gave him the go ahead. He popped another beer open and handed it to me. God it was awful but I drank it down like a good boy. Bill slapped his hand down on my thigh and gave it a squeeze.

    Back in the campsite after some talking between the adults while i sat bored to tears by grown up talk, Bill and I headed back to the hogan. It was a rather cool summer night and Bill suggested we share a sleeping bag. He also said naked bodies keep warmer when together that way. I remember him being in there first and then I got in and he told me to face him. I obeyed and thats when it got bad. He took my hand and placed it on his penis. He then told me to maturbate him. I still had no idea what that word meant and just lay there with my hand on his penis. He told me to get to it, I suppose the beers might of been making him angry. I had no idea what to do and he gave me a shove and told me to get back over to my cot. As I started to get into the bag he told me I would be better off near the front end of the hogan where babys belong. Hell was beginning.

    For 2 weeks Bill embarrassed me and mocked and criticized me at every turn. He knew already I wouldbn't report him or fight him. On hikes he had me ride piggy back since I was a baby and babys can't walk a long hike. He called the other kids men as a way to punish me more. After the 2 weeks were up other kids were driven away with their mom or dad or both. Then he turned to me and told me my time was up. We went back to the hogan and he stripped down and began to masturbate in front of me and asked if I could do it now. I nodded and stood up and pushed my shorts and underwear down and started to rub my own penis. He groaned and called me an idiot and said he meant to do it to him. I was sick in my stomach and sadly a little excited. I moved towards him and I did what he wanted. I watched as he got bigger and I saw the color change as well and then I felt his penis nearly jump from my hands. I held on for dear life not wanting to get Bill angry and then he ejaculated. Right into my face. He went from sighing with relief to laughing as he looked at me. He told me to clean up and get dressed and a half hour later we were down at the main area. The other counselors were there and I was sure they knew what had happened. They didn't. At least I dont think tyey did. Night came and Bill told me to get in the bag wtih him again, and sure enough he wanted another pull. I did it and that was it. I suppose I should be glad he didn't do more.

    Summer ended and a woman with short blond hair arrived to get me out of there. She drove me to Philadelphia and saw me onto a train. /several hours later I was back home. I kept quiet about what had happened. Pop seemed to know, he would just look at me and shake his head. Occasionally I hear him mutter under his breath but I cant' say what he said since he was soft in his voice. Mother--well that was a disaster yet to come.

    When I was 12 I said screw this and ran away from home. I ended up with a neighbor who got me good and drunk and for lack of a better word raped me. fucked the hell out of me. I had made the mistake--I had told him what Bill had done. For the better part of a year I lived with this man and he did what he wanted, and on one bad night--and I remember it because of its significance--he brought in a group of 4. The next day I was 13 and this bastard said he had given it to me as a special birthday present because now I was a man.--I am part Jewish and so was he so to him 13 made me a man. On the good side he never lay a hand on me again. He gave me some money and told me to get lost. I took thge money and got a bus ticket. While I was with this bastard my family had moved. They saw me as a handful to deal with and agreed with him that I should stay with him.
    I took a bus to Cleveland--that was all I could afford and still have a few dollars left to live. I hated Cleveland. I stayed mostly in the bus station leaving when I had to. One of the ticket agents figured it out and took me aside, he asked me where I was from and the other questions and for some reason I told him about the sex. He looked at me and told me I was not to blame and then got me to the police station. Dennis Ryan wherever you are I am eternally grateful for your decency.

    The police had their work cut out, I had no idea where my parents and family had fled to. They had told our neighbor and he had then lied to me. He told me they were in Ohio somewhere. They weren't. The neighbor gave a song and dance story and got 90 days in county lock up. I heard he was shot dead one night and I can't say as how that bothers me althoughn I would of prefered if they had gouged out his eyes and cut his miserabkle twig off and let him bleed to death.--apparently I still have some anger issues to deal with.


    I was reunited with my family. My dad tried to deal with it all my mother--well that's another matter. My dad stepped up to the plate for me a few times over the nxet few years and then I left home. I never went back. I kept in touch with my brothers for a while. I still occasionallyt get a letter from the one of them. My parents died. As a final insult my mother had me as the contact. I had her cremated with no service. My sister had her own demons to deal with and ended up in an institution for the mentally unstable where she died recently.

    I got drunk too many times, risked my life, destroyed relationships and severed ties with people everywhere. The only real exceptions were Olivia (my sister) who I would go to see every month when I wasn't in a hospital for self inflicted wounds. I would sober up many times for a few days just to go and see her. Then there's my son Jimmy. I hurt him and he still is holding on to me--that's why I still have hope. It has take a while to realize I am not a failure and that the things which happened were not my fault.

    Not sure why I am posting this other thatn I wanted to get it out on paper. If the moderators want they can delete it, I'll understand.

    Thank you.
     
  2. trufitjock

    trufitjock Member

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    thats a long time to hold this in.. hope your feeling better.. im feelin' your pain..
     
  3. Gillette

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    I'm glad you felt open enough to share this with us. Know that whatever support you may need we are here for you.
     
  4. flaman

    flaman New Member

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    one word: wow!! i too feel your pain. you have been through so much. i hope things are now better in your life. you deserve to be happy in your adult years. your child years sure were not. good luck and please keep us posted.
     
  5. fortiesfun

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    It takes enormous courage to put yourself out there like this. It is also the first sign of health. You are neither to blame nor have anything of which to be ashamed. Being able to tell your story is a great beginning to freeing yourself from the definitions that have been placed on you, and taking charge of your own concept of yourself.

    There is nothing there that requires deletion that I can see. You are not endorsing sex abuse. You are rightfully protesting it.

    You are not alone. Others on the site have shared some of their stories and their paths toward healing. I hope that some of them will respond here or contact you directly. They can also put you into contact with support groups for adult victims of childhood sex abuse. Some of them can be very helpful.

    Thanks for trusting us enough to tell your story. I wish you the best.
     
  6. Gisella

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    :hug: Thank you for open the door Onslow..I love you too.


    [SIZE=+1]"THE PROMISE"[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=+1]As I noticed myself becoming old and gray,[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=+1]I knew it was time to visit the little girl of yesterday.[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=+1]She had been kept safely hidden[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=+1]In a place where others had been forbidden.[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=+1]She knew I had to leave her long ago,[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=+1]So one of us could find the strength to grow.[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=+1]I promised her that I would someday return,[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=+1]For she was my main concern.[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=+1]No one could understand how her and I connect,[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=+1]For I was the one present during the crime and neglect.[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=+1]As I opened the door to yesterday,[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=+1]I heard the sound of children happily at play,[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=+1]But I noticed her sitting all alone and sad[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=+1]Until our eyes met and she became glad.[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=+1]We reunited by hugging and kissing one another[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=+1]Like a beloved daughter and a mother.[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=+1]I comforted her and dried away her tears[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=+1]That were too painful for so many years.[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=+1]As I looked in her small eyes of grey,[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=+1]I told her that the monster had gone away.[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=+1]She looked up at me and said,"I love you"[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=+1]Then I replied, "I love you too".[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=+1]Someone who cared had finally set her free.[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=+1]The little girl that I used to be.[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=+1]Andrea."[/SIZE]
     
  7. SteveHd

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    As the others have said, thank you for your courage and I hope you find a pathway to healing.
     
  8. DaveyR

    DaveyR Retired Moderator
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    Onslow that was obviously very difficult for you to write and must have taken great courage. Well done. I hope you find peace with yourself.
     
  9. Onslow

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    Thanks all of you. It took a long time but I am finally getting the help and it seems to be working I finally know it wasn;'t me it was them that weree doing wrong. The big help came while I was in the Rehab for the drinking. The subject came up although I never considered the drinking to have been anybody e;ses doing. That much I understood but the problem I kept seeing was the sex abuse which kept eating at me and which I also thought was my doing and my choice. It finally got through to me. At this rate I should be almost normal by the time I reach 65.
     
  10. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Absolutely exceptional Onslow! This is a huge step. Thank you for sharing this with us and congratulations on make such progress.

    :fing02:
     
  11. mephistopheles

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    Nothing is more sickening then a child molester... Thick, scum-fucks like that ought to be beaten and castrated before they're sentenced to death.:mad:
     
  12. SomeGuyOverThere

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    That is a horrible, horrible thing for anyone to endure.

    I am so, so sorry, that you had such utterly miserable experiences as a child, that nobody should have to endure, and I'm sure still haunts you; but let me assure you that I feel your pain, and am deeply moved by your story.

    Its strange to feel sorry for something that I didn't commit, for something I couldn't possibly have had anything to do with, but I feel sorry for humanity; I feel sorry for society; I feel sorry for being human in a world where we do such utterly dispicable things to one another; and a world where we take such selfish advantage of people in need.

    Stay strong for your sister and your son, if you can find the strength in you to pull together and move forward, those bastards have lost. Don't let them destroy you.
     
  13. SomeGuyOverThere

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    Don't be too hasty, though I refer to them as bastards, a lot of molesters are themselves deeply troubled people who need help.

    That doesnt in any way diminish the suffering of their victims however...
     
  14. madame_zora

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    Onslow, you know I have always seen you as a man of incredible courage. We have been friends for a long time now, despite being on opposite ends of the political spectrum, and your words of encouragement have been precious to me many times.

    I am sorry to hear of Olivia's passing, I know what a dear person she was to you. You once told me I reminded you of her a little, I'll take that as a great compliment.

    Though your life has been troubled and full of pain, what you are doing now could mean so much for so many, and it touches us all that you'd use your own miserable experiences to make a conversation about something that so desperately needs to be discussed. It is possible that as many as one in THREE people will have suffered some degree of sexual abuse- be it rape, molestation or incest, and it's also not unusual that the fucking adults a child will report it to will often use this knowledge to abuse them further. It makes me sick.

    Half of those molested will molest, and if that's not a good enough reason to start talking, I don't know what is. Only mushrooms grow in the dark, and they grow out of bullshit. Open, brave communication is the only hope of bringing forth a cure to this insideous social disease. Here in America, where so many of our basic needs are being met, there is really no excuse for us to have so blatantly ignored THIS epidemic. War on drugs? How many people would really be taking large quantities of mind-numbing drugs if they weren't traumatised to begin with? We have to take responsibility for fixing the breakdown in our family units before anything else will ever have significance. The "American family" is a myth, most of us didn't get anything close.

    Most of us didn't get what you got though. At least when I was raped, I was an adult, and knew it wasn't my fault. My heart goes out to the little boy inside you who must still yearn for approval. You're a good boy, and a good man. You care about the well-being of others in ways that were not even afforded you, and that is impressive. Many who had greater advantage see things less well, and you should be proud of that. If you manage to string a little time together not drinking, be proud of that too, but don't pin your self-esteem on it. If you fall, it's only that- it doesn't mean you are a bad person. You're good because you're trying. Keep trying, and try to keep what faith you have in the good things in your life.
    I really love you for sharing this, my friend.

    Jana
     
  15. SpeedoGuy

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    Writing can be so very therapeutic. Good on you for facing your demons and working to improve your life and emotional health.

    SG
     
  16. JustAsking

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    Onslow,
    I have had a lot of experience with troubled youth, but nothing that comes close to your story. There is no way I can even begin to identify with your story, or the courage it takes to tell it. I can only shake my head and wonder at the resiliency of the human spirit.
     
  17. Onslow

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    I am not usually sure if it's resiliency or a combination of two other things. A)I cannot ever bring myself to actually killing myself off which connects to B)I refuse to let the bastards have the final say on my life. I drank and used various drugs and sex to hide from it but I never really wanted to be dead. I did things which could of killed me, and at times I would say I wanted to be dead but life had a stronger hold. When I crashed the car several years ago I should have died and I knew it at the time. Why did I live? There had to be some reason. Then the self-loathing took over again and the drinking escalated and I got a partner who would look the other way when I would have sex with other men until I let it get out of control. Ray never stopped caring, but I did. EVen the sex he would have managed if I hadn't gotten careless again and grabbed old reliable--a bottle of gin and a steering wheel. I had to literally lose everything except myt life to finally be smacked into reality. Just wish the hand had smacked me earlier but things happen when theyre supposed to and I have to allow that. Hopefully the reality will stay with me.
     
  18. Onslow

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    She was a sweetheart as are you my dear. I cannot even begin to express the amount of strength which you have given me over the years, it is precious and I hold it close.
    .

    .
    I'll try to keep this in my head. As you know I have occasionally put a little time together but this is a first for me getting into who I am and allowing myself to be a human being and not blaming myself for everything. I have spent too long a time believing the world was out to get me and that it was my fault.
    I owe it to myself and to otheres--but in a strange greedy way I owe it mostly to myself to get this message out. Maybe if I had said somethinng 30 years ago or even 20 years ago someone could have gotten the nerve up to report their abuser. Can't live on that though so I can only use what I have now and offer hope that there really is a lighjt at the end of the tunnel--it looks a hell of a lot like freedom and peace of mind, just hope I don't turn chicken and run from it.

    I love you too my dear--and remember you can always call me Otis.
     
  19. Vestigial

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    Nice, heavy writing, thankyou for sharing that, it's helped further the journey through my lost past...

    There are others who have felt what you do, there are children of war and poverty, those who have become so debased they are merely shells waiting to be cracked apart... indeed, there have been very few abused people that have endured even a fraction of what life dealt me... no, it is not your experiences they shared, I did not live your life in my own, it is something common between us, a bond our souls both share... the one of Pain.

    I have endured despite all odds...

    Such pain the heart can hold, so much more than the body will ever come to know. Should my best friend die tomorrow, yet another little drop would fall into the dark abysmal well of my soul... but I still stand, broken in a way that brings me above all others, broken in a way that makes me truly unique.

    I'm glad you are starting to see yourself again, now you should look in the mirror... even if you don't like it, do not hide it from yourself. Though others liked me alot, I would stare into the mirror and hate every aspect of what I saw, try and cover my face with hair, wishing I could just be something I wasn't. There are many who have lost sight and simply emulate others. As long as you look at who you are in honesty, you will come to know the problems... it is then you can come to know the solutions.


    It's not in the body. It's not in the mind. There is a power that makes us succeed despite all odds. Your existance is already on the table, don't fold until you see the last card life deals. You just may have the hand needed to win this.



    I spent 24 years of my life wasted, wasted 24 of my years on life.



    I found a lonely mountaintop to spend a month alone... it wasn't until later that I found nature had kept me company all along. Though the world yet remains similar to others, I myself have changed greatly,.. and that means more to me now than I ever imagined possible.

    Here I stand, holding a stronger hand than every before, the strength to move with such weight within me, a fulfillment in life beyond my wildest dreams, the power to right the wrongs that had plagued me for my known eternity... yet,... there is still one thing that hasn't changed... one thing I feel we both still share.

    Pain.

    And that despite all odds we shall continue to endure...
     
  20. B_asdf88

    B_asdf88 New Member

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    you've come a long way.
     
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