Sex Advice Needed

[socoken]

Well, where to start? Im in a relationship with a woman, and our sex life is terrible. I mean really bad, not just mediocre at times. Now, I know my penis isnt that big, but her vagina is shallow and narrow.

In order for us to have sex, I need to spend at least ten minutes kissing her and caressing her, then at least 15 minutes going down on her. Now, I know that isnt a big deal, but it is a must EVERY TIME in order to have sex, otherwise she isnt aroused or relaxed enough. I dont mind waxing the car every now and then, but waxing the car EVERY TIME before I drive it takes some of the fun out of things.

When we do have sex, she is always holding her legs together to keep me from going all the way in, or putting her hand on my hips to stop me. When I am behind her, she tilts her hips at an angle to keep me from getting a strait shot in. She has never come from sex, and we both know that. So, its usually a matter of me getting an aerobic work out until she gets sore, or I get bored. Now, in spite of her vagina being small, and tearing from time to time, its not tight at all. I know that doesnt make sense, but its true. She is always sore from sex, and I have seen the tears in the opening, but I dont get much sensation at all. So in the end, I end up jerking off to finish anyway.

On top of that, she hates giving head, and will only once a month or so and only if I am fresh out of the shower. When I go down on her, I can make her come, and she seems to enjoy that greatly. The favor is seldom returned.

We are both in our early 20's, and have been seeing each other for years. This has been an issue the entire time, more than 4 years now.

I have had sex with a few different women, more than enough to know what is out there. She has said that sex with smaller or average sized guys felt better for her.

Ive tried to get her to tone her PC muscles to no avail.

Ive talked to her about all of this, and my dissatisfaction openly, but it only leads to her crying and making me feel guilty. Im very polite and not aggressive in assigning blame or anything like that,
but she is always very defensive. She could seemingly care less about sex with me.

She hates to use lube, but we use toys somewhat frequently.

I feel like the times that I have hurt her, have conditioned her to associate sex with me to pain. That delays her arousal, and possibly orgasm. Knowing she cant come, and that she is just worried about me hurting her, sucks the fun right out of it for me, so I cant come.

Has anyone else experienced something like this in a relationship? Does anyone have any suggestions that might help remedy this? Am I way out of line for being unhappy?

The lack of a decent sex life is causing me to be less tolerant of her. Im not getting what I want from the relationship, so Im not puting in my best effort in other areas. Should our completely incompatable sex organs be a deal breaker?

Any help is appreciated.

 

[Lordpendragon]

Well the usual stuff is to say hang in there work on it blah blah blah. There are some who live with incompatibility, but they seem to have a deeper love for each other.

You seem to have irreconcileable differences and you should do both of yourselves a favour and move on. Try to remain friends of course, but a breath of fresh air at your age will give you both better perspective.

 

[Love-it]

Should our completely incompatable sex organs be a deal breaker?

Not necessarily. It depends on your ability to be patient as well as hers. We took 31 years to figure out that girth was our problem and a year and a half later we are still working on my wife being able to accomodate me. At least with my wife her interest in sex has been renewed, but there were years where we tried to have intercourse once or twice a year with blow jobs interspersed here and there.

My wife is still apprehensive at even the thought of penetration but she is working on dilating to where she can accept me. The trouble is she has setbacks and if she misses more than a few days of dilating she is almost back to square one.

Your girlfriend will need to decide on her own what she wants for herself and if she decides that she wants to stay with you, then she will need to come to terms with painful intercourse. Learning how to deal with painful intercourse and move on will take time.

If my wife could accomodate me after a 1/2 hour of foreplay and oral we would both be tickled pink and I would have no problem doing this as often as she desired, I would welcome it.

If there is no love your relationship won't work anyway, you will have to make your own determination.

 

[41103]

I have the same problem going on now... and it's no fun at all, but me and and my g/f love eachother and we are working it out right now we know what the problem is and it's on us two to solve it, i think you will have to talk to you g/f again and just tell her that you serieusly have to solve to problem. And don't feel guilty about it if you love eachother enough you can deal with it...

i hope this is a good advice for you

 

[SpoiledPrincess]

for fucks sake you're ripping the poor woman and you wonder why she's not so keen - oh and incidentally foreplay is an essential part of sex, lots of people consider it the best part of sex and you're whining about spending a paltry amount of time on it. I think there's more to this than you're letting on and suspect you've tried to present yourself in the best possible light, but it still comes across that you're a selfish pig who's prepared to carry on having sex while this woman has vaginal tears, you yourself say that she keeps her legs together and her hands on your hips so it's apparent your trying to force yourself in her further than she can accommodate.

 

[socoken]

Thanks for all that have offered insight.

for fucks sake you're ripping the poor woman and you wonder why she's not so keen - oh and incidentally foreplay is an essential part of sex, lots of people consider it the best part of sex and you're whining about spending a paltry amount of time on it. I think there's more to this than you're letting on and suspect you've tried to present yourself in the best possible light, but it still comes across that you're a selfish pig who's prepared to carry on having sex while this woman has vaginal tears, you yourself say that she keeps her legs together and her hands on your hips so it's apparent your trying to force yourself in her further than she can accommodate.

The frustrating part is, Im not forcing myself any deeper, she just does it all the time. Ill admit, sometimes Ill have a good rythm going I will accidentally go a little too deep on a pump. I have also gone too deep while shifting my weight on my hands or just changing the angle from above. Please, I am not some abusive monster. Just a guy who cares enough to spend years working on things without any real satisfaction of my own. Sure, foreplay used to be exciting, but now I know I will just end up jerking off anyway. Even if she reciprocated half of the time, I would be more willing. Please dont attack me here, Im honestly looking for help.

 

[SpoiledPrincess]

maybe there's more to it than just the physical aspect, pussies like cocks come in different sizes but the average cock can usually take the average cock easily, has she been physically checked out?

 

[socoken]

maybe there's more to it than just the physical aspect, pussies like cocks come in different sizes but the average cock can usually take the average cock easily, has she been physically checked out?

Every 6 months or so, with no troubles.

 

[Pirate Wench]

I'm gonna go way out on a limb here and ask if you know whether there's any sexual abuse in her past.....incest....neighbor kid...or worse, adult neighbor....
Maybe her reactions are conditioned or learned responses to sexual situations in her past.
If that is the case, they have to be identified and dealt with.


She sounds so turned off to Everything......my gut reaction was that something else is going on with her own attitudes toward sex that haven't been addressed.

Just a wild guess.

Sorry you're having those problems.......and hope you figure out, or she figures out a solution fast.

 

[41103]

i don't think it's just a problem of his dick size! it takes two to have sex so, and i know cuz i am experiencing it right now, and... i know that doing foreplay time after time the same way, can be boring (as like, yeah i have seen it already)... So maybe you'll BOTH have to try new different things

is his dick is ripping her pussy apart? no i don't think that's entirely the case. Her pussy has a part in this too...
best advice that i can give is that you BOTH talk about this like adults and try to figure out what's best for you, and don't think it's only your fault that your dick is too big, cuz i know it takes two people to have sex!

 

[Lordpendragon]

We are both in our early 20's, and have been seeing each other for years. This has been an issue the entire time, more than 4 years now.

I have had sex with a few different women, more than enough to know what is out there. She has said that sex with smaller or average sized guys felt better for her.

Ive tried to get her to tone her PC muscles to no avail.

Ive talked to her about all of this, and my dissatisfaction openly, but it only leads to her crying and making me feel guilty. Im very polite and not aggressive in assigning blame or anything like that, but she is always very defensive. She could seemingly care less about sex with me.

I do have friends who have this level of incompatibility, but they have decided to work with it as there are more important things to them.

It sounds like you have tried for four years. I am more sympathetic than others for you wanting her to be hot for you from time to time and can see that it would become a chore that you almost have to force her to be horny enough to have at best mediocre sex.

Bottom line is that you need to decide how important a naturally better sex life is to you. If you decide that it is more important than other things than the relationship is bringing you, then you should move on.

Take other's advice on how to talk to her about it - I would find it very difficult as I can't see that she can do anything about it, so I have much sympathy for her as well.

I may seem a little harsh, but at your age and you not saying "I love her more than anything in the world", I have problems seeing it working.

 

[Gisella]

Hey Socoken..

Seems you 2 are not enjoying sex with one another for a long time.

If I was you I had move on a long time ago...I trully do not understand why young people gets into steady relationships so early in life and you are dealing with stuff that is way over the limit to me.

You are not tearing her because you are insensitive but her choice of not like to use lub and having penetration sex anyways even when she is clearly not enjoying by her reactions close her legs, hold your hips etc is not sensible choice of someone wanting and enjoying herself..

I do think you two are doing a disservice and wasting time not moving own and meet another people you have chemistry going on - be just old friends..seems you just became used with each other etc..no craving no sparks there and both frustrated...conforming with a routine of crap sex..sorry but just open your eyes and smell the coffee. Life is to short and you 2 very young.

Another thing: after 4y having sex you are having she must had open up about issues in her past, traumas etc? Dont know, she seems to be a bit manipulative as making you feel guilty, crying as confronted , not wanting use lub and of course be tearing vaginaly because she does not get aroused to be penetrated, want to receive head and not giving and she set up a just once a month bj... As much I like women some uf us have to mature, grow up and etc and stop manipulative ways even if is reaction from some hurt in the past whatever...we must deal, face issues if we want to grow.

Sex is supose to be fun you 2 are not having fun..

Best wishes to you both.

 

[Aplus]

I really like what Lordpendragon wrote! I really do think it's up to you to decide just how important this relationship is to you, and decide if you really want to save and keep it.

Unfortunately just like most relationships, sex generally takes a lot of patience and work. 4 years probably seems like an extremely long time towards a great sex life, but some couples/people take 10-20 years to find-their-groove. So again, only you can decide if it's worth it.

Now I don't claim to be a ladies man or some kind of an excellent lover, because I'm really neither. I'm learning more and more everyday to become a better lover and to try to give the other person what they want and need. Hasn't always been easy, although the satisfying ends always justifies the means. Luckily for me I generally like slow sex, but at times, even I have had to fuck slower than I would really like. I've learned to start slow with most women, and to slowly work my way inside her. Granted I'm average length size, but I do have some girth. You say your not that big, but after looking at your pics, you look pretty damn big to me, so I can only imagine how big you look and especially feel to her. Now some of us guys, and I suspect that might mean most of us, generally want to put it ALL in and fuck at abandon after a certain amount of time. For some couples that usually can take a lot of patience and time. Gotta admit that I wonder just how patient you really are or are being. Your idea and hers may be totally different. You may never be able to get it all inside of her or fuck her unrestrained though. Might be something you may have to decide if you live with if it's the case?

Should be noted that some women, simply have a tough time orgasming from penetration sex. I was talking online to a women in her mid 40's who said she's never came by being penetrated, but has eventually learned of other ways to get her over the edge. I believe she was in her mid 30's before she started even having regular orgasms, and there are a lot of women out there like her.

Why doesn't she like lube? For some reason, a lot of people are against lube. Maybe they feel that everything should feel or happen naturally. Contrary to popular belief, lube is generally a guy's and a girl's best friend, and it's especially the friend of guy's with huge penises like yours. The lubes made today are far better than the lubes made in the past. The newer silicone-based lubes seem to get excellent marks, and I especially like the warming lubes. If you've gone through all the different kinds, I don't know what to tell you. If you haven't experimented with different lubes, I suggest you start soon.

Unfortunately there are couples who simply have irreconcilable differences and/or are sexually incompatible. Hopefully people who truly love each other and who want to be together, will want to try any and everything before they split up.

Good luck, and I really hope you can get it to work!

 

[trufitjock]

we've all heard of GU geographically undesireable.... theres also SI.. sexually incompatable... ive met a few really nice guys .. and sometimes it just happends

 

[Peter Wood]

I've seen your introductionpost and some others. Your dick is bigger than average but 7.5-8" length and 6,25" girth is not htat big ..... it should not be the problem for your wife as you describe here.
Ken, you seem to be a guy who's sexually experienced. How does it come you and your wife didn't know before that these problems would become such a big bed-issue? You're only 24 y/o? You had no sex with her before marriage?
Sorry if I'm offending you, but wondering why you have these problems for four years now .... In my opinion you were very, very young to step into a marriage not knowing this before ...

 

[socoken]

I thank you all for all of the effort and thought you have put into replying. I was a little hesitant to put my personal life out there for all to see, but I am greatful for the care and honesty it has brought out.

It was easy for me to blame this all on my dick size, but Im getting a lot of "youre not that big" type of responses. I think I needed to hear that. Ive been with nearly two dozen women, and a half dozen short relationships, without this being an issue. So then why would it be now?

Im not married to her, but we moved in together last year and that has really brought this problem to light. I guess I just thought that having sex on a regular basis would gradually get her accustomed to it, and things would be all better in time. I was wrong. Every guy needs to feel wanted or need every now and then, but all I feel like is a used car salesman, talking my way in every time. Im just desperate for some real passionate sex, or sex with any pleasure involved at all really.

When I say she and I have talked about this, I mean a lot. But it always comes off as me being unhappy and her getting upset because she thinks I blame her, or her blaming herself. If we love eachother, am I really going to have to resign myself to a miserable sex life forever? Or am I a pig for thinking that there is other love and great sex out there yet? She knows that this is a big deal to me. When I lay it out there, like "this has to get fixed or I cant do this anymore" she makes an effort to please me for a couple days. Just enough to placate me and then revert right back to being too sore for sex.

Again, thank you all for your support in this.

 

[Love-it]

(Ken) Your dick is bigger than average but 7.5-8" length and 6,25" girth is not that big ..... it should not be the problem for your wife as you describe here.
Ken, you seem to be a guy who's sexually experienced. How does it come you and your wife didn't know before that these problems would become such a big bed-issue? You're only 24 y/o? You had no sex with her before marriage?
Sorry if I'm offending you, but wondering why you have these problems for four years now .... In my opinion you were very, very young to step into a marriage not knowing this before ...

We have had these problems for over 32 years and for 31 of those years we didn't know that our problem was my wife's inability to accept my girth. I am 6.5" x 6.25" girth. My wife has been dilating her vagina for the last year and a half but if she misses 3 days she is back to square one. Just the other day she told me she got the next size in and then couldn't get it back out without hurting herself, that glass dildo has a bulbous head and her vagina closed over the thinner shaft. I suggested that the next time that happens a vibrator might help her relax.

So it can happen, and out of the hundreds of doctors visits that she made over the years for painful intercourse not one doctor suggested that penis size might be a problem!

 

[bigbrick]

You sound like a sensitive guy who's really trying. You seem to be willing to try whatever to make it work but she is very resistant to lube or toys. Some women need a few orgasms to loosen things up and get juicy enough. Introducing toys and vibrators could help, but it sounds like she is resistant. From your pics it looks like we are similar size and, though large, we are not outrageous. Sometimes it just isn't going to work. And from experience I can tell you it will not get better, only worse, unless she is REALLY interested in pleasing you and working on having a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. If you were 70, maybe not so important, but at your age you should be with someone who relishes the idea of you being inside. Sex is one of the big issues in a relationship. And like with all big issues, if one party really doesn't want to work on it when there is a problem, there is no solution. Hate to say it but, time to move on.

 

[D_Andy_Whorewall]

As previously mentioned by bigbrick, if it's not good now...wait another 20 years. Not to mention kids, work stress, etc. It will ONLY get worse. And believe me, it will wear you down.

I have found after 23 years, an adult movie, and not just blatant porn, but a well produced movie has done wonders for getting my wife warmed up. After 15 - 20 minutes she is aroused not only physically, but also mentaly, and her pussy is ever so warm and wet.

After our honeymoon years were over, the "ho-hum" sex began. We refreshed ourselves with a dose of adult toys, movies and openess. It sounds like you're really trying, but you may not be a suitable match. Good luck.

 

[dreamer20]

Well, where to start? Im in a relationship with a woman, and our sex life is terrible.
She is always sore from sex, and I have seen the tears in the opening,
On top of that, she hates giving head, ... When I go down on her, I can make her come, and she seems to enjoy that greatly. The favor is seldom returned.

She hates to use lube, ...
Knowing that she cant come, and that she is just worried about me hurting her, sucks the fun right out of it for me, so I cant come.

Time to find someone else mate. This is dedicated to her::smile:

YouTube - Johnny Mathis & Deniece Williams - Too much too little ...