Sex after baby

[deleted105034]

Hey all you LPSG gals, my wife and I recently had a baby ( six and a half months ago ) and we are having problems getting back into sex.

She is breast-feeding, which is known to be associated with a low libido, but even the few times we have tried having sex haven't been good.

She was also on birth control (just recently stopped taking it) and her period hasn't come back yet.

The main thing I'm worried about is that sex is painful for her still, even though we are using lube. We never had to use lube before; she used to get so wet!

She also used to be able to take and enjoy almost my whole penis, but now she winces when just the head goes in...

Basically our sex now consists of:

1. She uses a vibrator to have a quick orgasm while I watch.
2. I put a condom on and smear myself with lube.
3. I slowly ease the head of my cock into her, and basically just sit there, trying not to hurt her.
4. Eventually she says "are you ready to cum" and I say "yeah" and squeeze one out...

I read on the internet about the so-called "husband stitch" that doctors sometimes perform when sewing up vaginal tears, and it just sounds awful...If this is done, can it ever go back to normal?

One idea I had was to wear smaller condoms, in order to "compress" my penis to make it less painful for her...I know it sounds stupid, but I'm grasping at straws here.

Have any of you had similar experiences?

If so, how did you deal with it?

Basically any advice or experience will be appreciated.

Thanks!

 

[766055]

BAsicly your wife is a mother now and she is in that role because your child needs her that way.
So she need to be transform into the sexy wife again what she was. But that transformation need to be in her head. On her own. Make her feel that you love her. You visualize her as a woman. A sexy lady.
Do not feel guilt Just try to express your love of her. She will notice that and will bloom again like a rose in the sunshine.

 

[TulipSniper]

Has she outright expressed the pain?

How many stitches did she get?

You mentioned breastfeeding, are you guys currently cosleeping? (Not implying you're having sex with the baby there)

My husband and I did cosleeping with the baby, so we had to be a little creative on where we had sex.. lol Lots of bathroom and livingroom.

Yes, stitching and scaring complicate things. Slow and often fixed it for me....

You mentioned the vibe thing... is there a lot of kissing and foreplay before hand? It's important. Especially after a baby.

 

[Igot8here]

Dont do the 'small' condom thing, you'll end up with another baby...

 

[deleted105034]

Thanks TulipSniper!

To answer your questions,

Yes, she has outright expressed the pain. She told me that it hurts, and that it hurts more when the head first goes in.

I don't know how many stitches she had, or if she got an extra stitch. At the time it was happening, neither of us thought to ask, because we didn't know about the "extra stitch." However, reading some of the awful stories at, e.g. http://www.mamabirth.com/2013/07/the-husband-stitch.html, makes me think that this might be what happened.

Yes, we are doing cosleeping. We never set out to have it be this way, but at this point our baby sleeps in our bed every night.

No, we don't do as much kissing and foreplay beforehand as we used to. I hate to say it, but it's almost like she wants to "get it over with" before the baby wakes up.

I try not to be pushy about sex, but I am still just as horny as I ever was, and I have mentioned to her that I miss it.

Anyway, thanks again for the reply and the good advice!

~T

 

[deleted977816]

I suggest that your wife bring this up with her doctor. I'm sure there is something that can be done. Good luck!

 

[Calimeetsga]

Depending on how deep her episiotomy scar had to be fixed, (ask what degree of tearing she had or how deep the OB had to cut and repair) it can take up to a few years for scar tissue to heal and soften. Vitamin E oil massaged in daily (enough to feel pressure but NOT pain) can make a big difference in making sure she doesn't form thick keloid like scar tissue that can cause a huge amount of pain during intercourse.

It's not too late to start, but it has to be consistent or it won't work. When she's sitting to go pee is a great time to do this by herself then when you go to bed at night as a "couples building excersize" YOU do the vitamin E oil massaging and take the vibrator out of the picture completely for now and instead with your own hands, rub on the oil, bring her to orgasm if she's ok with it without any penetration till she's past the fear stage of associating pain with penetration. She'll let you know when it no longer hurts, I promise.

A doula or a midwife center in your area can give suggestions for free over the phone as can her ob's office. La Leche's site is another great source ESP since she's breastfeeding. I bf each of my 3 kids for 2 years. If your wife isn't taking in enough fluids (basically drinking a full 8-16 oz every time she feeds) it can cause dehydration that's not really apparent and create micro tearing during sex that no amount of lubrication will help.

I do suggest switching to a silicone based lube if you haven't done so already as well. Pink and Gun Oil are by the same manufacturer it's just labeled different for men and women. Pink comes in a very pretty package that if you buy the glass bottle, it looks like upscale cosmetics and really doesn't need hidden. Great for dry spots on nipples that can flake and crack and won't hurt the baby. Food grade and no flavor either and silky smooth. Be careful using on satin sheets, but it only takes a few drops and can be added to the vitamin E oil as assistance.

We did co sleeping too and it took me a year to really get my sex drive back no matter what I did, so try to be as patient as possible. Hope this helps!

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

In order to breastfeed estrogen must be low. Low estrogen thins the vaginal walls and makes self lubrication very difficult. I have always had low estrogen and needed estrogen hormones to keep me from tearing with sex (or tearing as badly with my husband). After my hysterectomy I dried up terribly and it's been a real battle. I can never use too much lube.

That whole daddy stitch thing might have held true for some doctors decades ago but any doctor worth their salt would simply stitch the wound and wouldn't give two shots about your cock feeling bigger in her vagina after birth.

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

In order to breastfeed estrogen must be low. Low estrogen thins the vaginal walls and makes self lubrication very difficult. I have always had low estrogen and needed estrogen hormones to keep me from tearing with sex (or tearing as badly with my husband). After my hysterectomy I dried up terribly and it's been a real battle. I can never use too much lube.

That whole daddy stitch thing might have held true for some doctors decades ago but any doctor worth their salt would simply stitch the wound and wouldn't give two shots about your cock feeling bigger in her vagina after birth.

Also only open fascia can be sewn together in order to adhere. You can just sew up regular untorn parts of tissue and expect them to fuse. The body doesn't work that way.

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

The autocorrect on my phone keeps screwing up what I'm trying to say. I mean you can't just take two things and sew them together and expect them to fuse. They have to be damaged in some way for that to happen, whether deliberate or accidental.

 

[fluffychocolate]

She really ought to talk this over with her doctor. Keloids in the honey pot? WTH? Of all the horror stories my friends told me none of them mentioned this! Lying secret keeping wenches! Wait until I see them Friday! Reason #1,943,805 that I'm child free.

 

[Calimeetsga]

Just text a friend who's an OB (has been mine for 2 of my births) about the "daddy stitch" question and was told that no, its not practiced by anyone she knows of and its a myth. Vaginal rejuveration in older ladies is performed by plastic surgeons, but mostly by lasers after childbearing is finished. She said that sometimes if the mother tears badly even if a cut is made, they have to trim off the ragged edges to get a good suturing for proper healing, but disolvable stitches are the norm these days and it's done layer by layer through the different levels of tissue and can take a while to fully heal and become supple ESP if it was a deep tear involving extensive repair into the vagina, perineum or even into the anus.

They should have let you and your wife know know what degree of tearing she had to give you both a better idea of how long the recovery may last. It will be in her permanent records that she has a right to request at any time.

On a side note...Light skinned women tend to have less keloid or hard scarring than darker skinned ladies and also know that newborn babies literally give off a pheromone that gives all women a sense of euphoria and dopamine is released into our system when we hold them, so we're wired to put baby first for the first year of their lives.

You both focusing on the vitamin E massages and then lovingly giving orgasms to her (without a vibrator that can desensitize her right now) and her massaging and giving hand or blow jobs without vaginal or anal penetration till she's no longer dreading it, is your best recourse to getting through this with the least amount of frustration if you love each other. Best wishes!

 

[Calimeetsga]

She really ought to talk this over with her doctor. Keloids in the honey pot? WTH? Of all the horror stories my friends told me none of them mentioned this! Lying secret keeping wenches! Wait until I see them Friday! Reason #1,943,805 that I'm child free.

Keloid is simply a type of thick scarring that can occur at any place on the body. There are ways of helping and what I suggested is the simplest. Lasers can soften the scar tissue too. Any one can keloid scar so really it's a non issue to worry about ESP for a mom who's joyfully expecting. Stretch marks during pregnancy are a norm as well. Shocking to a guy I know! *Rolls eyes*

 

[TheHappyWhore]

When I gave birth they used a suction device to get my baby out quickly and I had torn quite a bit. The doctor (actually a medical student) stitched what was necessary to close the tear and no more. I remember it being quite a while (definitely more than 6 months) before sex was as important to me as it was to my husband.

If sex is painful at this point, a visit to the doctor's is definitely order. Its something she shouldn't put off much longer just in case there is an underlining issues that is to blame.

She could also be feeling so overwhelmed by returning to work (if applicable), taking care of the baby and household chores that she feels she has little time to herself to relax enough to get into the mood.

Listen to her needs because she may feel bad asking for help when maybe she's hoping you'll offer without being asked. Not that its fair but I felt that way in the beginning. Good luck and congratulations on your new addition to the family.

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

My long labor ended in a c-section. While we were given permission to have intercourse 2 weeks after the surgery, we couldn't do much for many, many months because I was so scared. Plus I was breastfeeding which made things worse. I was tired and felt icky and milky most of the time and I didn't really feel sexy even though I know I looked good.

When we would try he couldn't get much in without me wincing in pain and often I'd have a little hair line tear where most women would get an episiotomy. That area tore so much that a little knot of scar tissue formed and that would tear even worse than before because the skin wouldn't stretch there any longer.

I suggest taking time off from penis in vagina sex and focus on everything but penetration. At most use a finger or two, or let her pick out a small insertable toy to work with on her own or while you mutually masturbate. Hell, get her a Magic Wand and let her go to town on herself clitorally while you masturbate also. It's time to learn how to relate sexually on a different level and some mind blowing orgasms for her that don't include her vagina could get her up and running again.

After my hysterectomy, sex became so painful no matter what we tried that it dwindled down to only a few times a year. I felt terrible but things were so bad that I almost had to work out a deal where me and my husband didn't do penetration at all ever again. I felt hopeless. But I found some not-so-vanilla things that got my brain back in touch with my body and things didn't hurt so bad when I was super turned on again.

In a pain cycle, the nerves stop associating pleasure with the experience. She needs pleasure for a while, maybe a small toy or a finger or two with intense clitoral stimulation for many sessions before she is prepared to handle your cock again.

It gets better with creativity and time. I promise.

 

[Guy-jin]

My son came out like a freight train, causing a lot of tearing. Sadly, this made sex for my wife and I very difficult. She had vaginismus in the past and the pain of intercourse after her long recovery brought it back. We are trying to use the dilation method to solve it (worked in the past). It's a difficult, long road.

I suggest trying something similar. Don't worry about PIV intercourse for now. Invest in smaller dildos and try those together to start. Going for it with a big penis right out of the gate could do more harm than good.

 

[fluffychocolate]

Keloid is simply a type of thick scarring that can occur at any place on the body. There are ways of helping and what I suggested is the simplest. Lasers can soften the scar tissue too. Any one can keloid scar so really it's a non issue to worry about ESP for a mom who's joyfully expecting. Stretch marks during pregnancy are a norm as well. Shocking to a guy I know! *Rolls eyes*

Oh I know what a keloid is but it does NOT belong in the honey pot. I'm really amazed that there are so many people in the world considering all the stuff that happens to women before, during, and after pregnancy. Then when they hit puberty that same little bundle of joy will tell their parents they hate them and they're stupid. *shudders*

 

[Calimeetsga]

Oh I know what a keloid is but it does NOT belong in the honey pot. I'm really amazed that there are so many people in the world considering all the stuff that happens to women before, during, and after pregnancy. Then when they hit puberty that same little bundle of joy will tell their parents they hate them and they're stupid. *shudders*

If it helps...I wouldn't change having my kids at all. They were worth every bit of the pain, bed rest, my body changing, and even love watching them grow and become their quirky unique and very lovable but outspoken selves. In the end, it's al worth it. I'm almost to the age I could be a grandmother (though I look more like a teenager still) and I'm actually looking forward to being one someday too. It ok if it's not for you, but ya never know...I was totally against ever having kids and a specialist said point blank I'd never be able to without IVF. Surprise in my last semester in College I find out that not only am I pregnant, but I was almost finished with my first trimester and my only symptom was a little heartburn! Mother Nature has ways of sneaking up on us! Lol!

 

[fluffychocolate]

If it helps...I wouldn't change having my kids at all. They were worth every bit of the pain, bed rest, my body changing, and even love watching them grow and become their quirky unique and very lovable but outspoken selves. In the end, it's al worth it. I'm almost to the age I could be a grandmother (though I look more like a teenager still) and I'm actually looking forward to being one someday too. It ok if it's not for you, but ya never know...I was totally against ever having kids and a specialist said point blank I'd never be able to without IVF. Surprise in my last semester in College I find out that not only am I pregnant, but I was almost finished with my first trimester and my only symptom was a little heartburn! Mother Nature has ways of sneaking up on us! Lol!

Awww, I'm glad for you. I bet you'll have a blast being a grams/grandma/grammykins/nona or whatever you settle on. I left my biological clock somewhere and haven't had time to find it. lol

 

[deleted105034]

Thanks a lot everybody for all your thoughtful comments!
Glad to know we're not alone in this, and also glad to hear that it can get better.
Definitely gonna try some of your suggestions...
For what it's worth, her libido is starting to come back more and more, since she stopped taking her birth control. So, that's a plus!
Anyway, thanks again, and maybe we'll post some pics when we get back in the "swing" of things!