sex buddy for spouse of diabled person

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by CALAMBO, Nov 26, 2008.

  1. CALAMBO

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    this morn paper, advice column, ANN LANDERS, printed a note from a lady in dayton ohio, her husband stated that if his wife ever became total disabled that he wanted her permission to take a sex buddy, wife thought it was not appropiate, ANN, agreed, something about vows taken at marriage, the husband/wife were married 8 yrs.....wife and i discussed, she thought it was OK, so do I...any one here care to discuss..anyone here living such a life???
     
  2. D_Amyntas Lillydong

    D_Amyntas Lillydong Account Disabled

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    not living such a life. i understand the vows. but if a couple wants to stay together i'd let my wife take a sex buddy. actually i believe in open marriages anyways.
     
  3. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    Interesting, I guess it would depend on the disability, but I would surely opt for something other than celebacy.
     
  4. Phil Ayesho

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    Original vows used to include the words "cleave only unto"... and marriages could be annulled for failure to consummate... and even when divorce required some breach of contract as grounds..."loss of consortium" was considered a valid reason to be granted a divorce.

    All this implying that part of the original agreement was sexual accessibility.

    Somewhere along the way that fact of the marital vow got lost.

    In point of fact, loss of consortium is a breach of the marital contract. You are promising fidelity IN RETURN for expected access to sexual release thru your spouse.

    Its grounds for divorce, therefore it is certainly grounds for re-negotiating the terms of the marital contract should things change to deny one spouse a benefit that was implicit in the original contract.
     
  5. ZOS23xy

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    My wife says it's okay for me to hook up, but not many people are interested in dealing with the idea. For a number of people, the ideal sex is "exclusive".
     
  6. B_quietguy

    B_quietguy New Member

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    I prefer open relationships anyway. I don't claim any right to restrict somebody else's sexuality.

    Aside from that, if I became disabled to the point where I could not have sex, I wouldn't mind if a partner took on another lover. I'd want my partner - whom I care about - to be happy, not frustrated. I'd still want to cuddle and make out with my partner despite my disability because I need that touch in addition to wanting sex. I'm sure I'd feel all frustrated as hell that I could not have sex even when my partner could, but I would not want to deny joy to somebody I care about.

    If my partner became disabled, I'd want the same option to enjoy physical intimacy with a close friend or two.
     
  7. Jovial

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    I would hope that if I was in that situation that I loved my wife enough that the sex would be secondary. I would just masturbate and accept the unfortunate circumstances. I've lived enough years being single and masturbating that I don't think it would be so bad.
     
  8. Lng_1

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    Regardless of your position on this issue, I think it's safe to say that no one hopes to be tested in that fashion... Severe disabilities put tremendous strains on every aspect of a marriage, not just sexual.
     
  9. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    What about the part that says "in sickness or in health"?
     
  10. Phil Ayesho

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    That is part of the contract, sure... so what?
    One Stipulation in the contract can not void OTHER stipulations in the contract.
    It IMPLIES sexual congress.

    It doesn't say, In sickness or health and, in the event of sickness preventing consortium on the part of one partner, the other foregoes all access to sexual congress for life.

    If it said that... how many people would would say "I do"?

    It says the wfe shall cleave unto her husband. If she can no longer cleave.. then she can no longer keep her promise.

    In that event... the contract becomes either null... or open for re-negotiation.

    In olden times we had what was called the double standard... which feminists tried to paint as a BAD thing for women...
    But in an age before birth control, affluent women gave up on sex if they wanted to live to see their children inherit.
    The deal, then was, She would not be made to have more children ... and would turn a blind eye to her husband's discrete philandering... and for HIS part... he would never leave her nor divorce her.

    It was an accommodation borne of the recognition that men could not be expected to give up sex...and that women could not be expected to give up security for their children.


    seems to me, in modern times... a woman who wants her man to be able to stand by her despite her total inability to be a sexual partner ought to be willing to negotiate something similar.
     
  11. CALAMBO

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    phil...great reasoning..nearly uncontestable, until you factor in moral or religious concern...at that point are you condemned by society or church?
     
  12. rob_just_rob

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    I used to make a point of reading Ann Landers, in case I woke up in 1958 one morning.

    I don't know anyone who lives that way, but I've heard apocryphal stories suggesting that some couples do come to such an arrangement.
     
  13. BigDallasDick8x6

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    My take on it is I think pretty much any couple wants to do is basically fine as long as they aren't hurting anyone else.

    The only thing that bothers me is that he is asking the question NOW. I mean, how likely a scenario is that? Can't you just waint to see if you are one of the 1 in 100,000 people where that will be an issue and discuss it then? Almost sounds like he's planning something. Creepy.
     
  14. rob_just_rob

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    It's 2 AM, and a husband is insistently nudged by his sleepless wife until he awakes.

    H: Wh-what?
    W: I couldn't sleep.
    H: What's wrong?
    W: Well, I was thinking... if I were to die, would you get married again?
    H: (pauses) Well, I think that eventually I would have to move on, sweetie. So yes, I might.
    W: (short delay) Well, that's understandable... I'd want you to go on with your life. But... would you live here in our house with her?
    H: I don't know - the way the economy and housing market is, it might not make sense to move, so I guess there's a chance I'd still be living here.
    W: (short delay) Mmmm... well, I understand, things are tough right now. (pauses) Would you sleep in this bed with her?
    H: Well, it's a perfectly good bed, almost new. It wouldn't make sense to just throw it out.
    W: That's true, honey... I don't blame you for being practical. (pauses) Would you let her use my golf clubs?
    H: She can't, she's left handed.

    (awkward silence)

    H: (smacks himself in the forehead with his hand)
     
  15. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    Oh snap, thanks for the good little giggle.
     
  16. Mike7

    Mike7 New Member

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    If I became disabled or unable to have sex I would ask my wife to take a playmate. She's a sexual person and should have her needs fulfilled. I'd just ask she keep emotions out of it and enjoy the physical fun.
     
  17. Phil Ayesho

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    I don't see how religious concerns even arise. Marriage is a religious institution meant to secure SEXUAL fidelity.

    If one partner becomes unable to fulfill the sexual aspect of the contract... then they can not hold the other to a sexual fidelity that they can no longer offer.

    Keep in mind that it is RELIGION that make provision for annulment conditional upon lack of sexual congress...

    Any ideas modern "believer's" might have are just so much delusional malarky. There is no scriptural relevance to modern marriage... thru most of the bible, multiple wives, concubines and even slave fucking are routinely allowed.


    Beyond that... my argument IS the moral argument.

    Morality is emergent from the mutual reliance of individuals in a society.
    It has nothing to do with religion. Religion underwrites and endorses the most immoral actions people commit. The bible is a story of how the ten commandments don't mean shit... that if your god commands you to murder or rape or steal... then you murder or rape or steal.
    That is the weakest form of situational ethics.



    Moral arguments regarding marriage and sexual congress MUST involve the fact that it is a CONTRACT. Each party is making promises IN EXCHANGE for promises.

    If one party can no longer fulfill the promise they have made... then the contract is in breach.

    The MORAL thing would be for the party in breach to offer a re-negotiation based upon changing circumstances. Openly and directly addressing the expectations of their partner.
     
  18. yhtang

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    This reminds me of "Lady Chatterley's Lover" - except that it was the husband who was disabled.
     
  19. whatireallywant

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    I've actually thought about this, maybe having dated men with chronic health problems will do that to a person... although it didn't quite get to THAT point.

    But I do think that if one partner is disabled and cannot have sex, doesn't mean that the other partner loses their sex drive! So yes, I do believe that they should be able to seek out sex buddies. If I was married and became disabled that way, I would want my husband to find someone to satisfy his need for sex. And if he became disabled I would really hope that he realizes that I'm a very sexual person and would need a sex buddy as well.
     
  20. collegedude1

    collegedude1 Member

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    I would say that if it's that big of a deal, you should get divorced. Something about being married to a disabled person and fucking someone else for the sake of getting off doesn't seem right.
     
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