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Sex shy: how to start?

Discussion in 'Ask a Gay Man' started by bi--athlete, Nov 14, 2018.

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  1. bi--athlete

    bi--athlete Well-Known Member

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    Hi guys,
    I can't come out of my sex shyness.
    The more it is mocked the more it is overwhelming.
    Do you have some basic pieces of advice?

    Thanks for reading
    Marc
     
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  2. Andrue

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    I think we may need more details here. On a couple of fronts.

    1) Shyness: explain what you go through here and why you feel shy. I could guess but that's all it would be and likely a wrong guess. So fill us in on a "typical" situation where you find yourself frozen and not able to do stuff.

    2) Mocking? Who's mocking you and for what? Are these "friends" of yours?
     
  3. bi--athlete

    bi--athlete Well-Known Member

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    Hi Andrue,

    Thanks for reading my post. Before entering the details, I'll try to give you a concise explanation.

    My point is not to whine about others who wouldn’t condole with me.
    My conviction is that engaging characters easily socialize with each other.
    My wish was to acquire with them some comforting experience of sexual abandonment.
    My problem is that I couldn’t spot them in contexts of socialisation or seduction.
    My perception is that those contexts are assertiveness oriented.

    Consequently:
    - my too basic search for confidence didn’t meet their search for performance;
    - the more my lack of good experiences was mocked the bigger it grew;
    - it is beyond my grasp, for inexperience is neither a shame nor disease;
    - I have lost faith in finding a solution by myself.

    Looking forward to reading your recommendations,

    Marc
     
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  4. Andrue

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    Hey Marc,

    A couple of questions for you based on this new info:

    A) How are you usually connecting with these potential partners? Is it mostly via apps? Bars? Social activities? Some other way?


    B) At what point in the connection process, whatever form that takes, are you usually laying out the fact you've not got lots of experience?

    I think it is likely that connecting through hook-up apps (such as GayXchange, Grindr, Planet Romeo, etc.) may have issues for you because I could see Grindr type hook ups not being the most congenial way to get yourself out there. Most people use these to get sex, right now. It would be easy online to dismiss someone who notes in their profile that they are inexperienced - if you happen to do that.

    Face-to-face in a bar would let potential bed pals at least get a look at you, chat you up a bit deeper and see how you are as a person. There's a bit less "quick fuck" attitude in a bar (less, not none) so chatting someone up while having a refreshing beverage can easily bridge the potential gap between "no experience = no go" and "Yeah, this might be fun". It would be the interactions between you and the potential bed buddy that would make the chance of getting that experience you need/want. As long as you're not super tense at the idea of that actually happening.

    If bars are not a potential connecting venue for you - such as there are actually none in your neighbourhood, you are just not comfortable in such a place or for any other reason - what you might want to try is to get involved in a third possible venue: social gay groups.

    Meet other gay guys on a level that ISN'T about hooking up or getting sex or finding Mr Right or Mr Right Now but is based on a shared external interest. Hunt up and join a group of gay model train enthusiasts, a gay cooking club, gay choir, gay sports league, gay politics, gay whatever. Whatever you do already (or would like to get into) is a good type of group to get in with.

    You can then meet up with other gay guys who already share your interest and get to know them (and they you) on a more personal level long before the idea of sex enters the picture. You'll likely also meet lots of people who are not going to be compatible bed buddy material BUT that's fine too. They can be friends and if you socialize with some outside the one activity, you may meet friends of theirs and THEY may be the guy who's open to taking you under his wing. Show you the ropes, get you that experience badge.

    Second benefit: this is going to be a much more "organic" way of meeting possible friends and, perhaps Friend With Benefits or even actual BoyFriend. It's like the way a huge number of people make new friends and eventually meet their best bud who then in turn becomes a boyfriend. This more organic process should help you build up your confidence. You'll hardly even notice that you're opening up and becoming more confident because you're just hanging with new friends.

    So that's my take on things, based on what you've included above. I'm not claiming these are The Golden Steps to absolute effective end results, just some ideas to ponder. They may not apply for you at all. But they're at least a start.

    Hopefully, others will jump in with different takes on what you've posted so you have a wider set of viewpoints to ponder.

    I hope you can get passed this roadblock and find much joyful experiences soon.
     
  5. bi--athlete

    bi--athlete Well-Known Member

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    Hi, Andrue,

    Thank you for your efficient help. You made me understand that the more a shy beginner exposes himself to contexts hinged on instantaneousness, the more he can be ran over by a hit-and-run driver.

    The bars issue raises two difficulties for me : speaking in a noisy crowd; knowing one’s clothing style.

    The scattered network of social groups in my semi-rural country, with which I’m working on breaking all mentality dependences and family obligations.

    I can’t put this message to an end without hoping that you are doing well and happy in your sex life :)
     
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  6. 328982

    328982 Guest

    99% of people don't care if you laugh or die. I wouldn't cut off from those who do care.
     
  7. Andrue

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    Salut Marc,

    Sorry, I was assuming your profile stating you were in the 9e a Paris meant you'd have access to some local gay bars and social groups. There's at least one and a shit ton more in the 2e & 3e Arr. Sad to find out you are in the more rural area. Your situation is decidedly not unique for those well outside of the more cosmopolitan centres.

    So it seems a pretty large part of the issue is, literally, situational. You're not in a location best suited for you.

    As for fitting in in a noisy bar full of fashion queens: If you can scare up good fitting jeans (nothing wrong with showing off your assets!) and a decent tee or casual shirt, you'll be fine. Don't try to compete with the fashionistas, you won't win. But just be a decently dressed regular guy and you'll still turn heads.

    As for talking in a noisy bar, is that a 'personal issue' or just not liking to have to raise your voice? If it's something kinda ingrained in you, then bars may not be the best place for you. But not ALL bars will be loud, booming music and shouting patrons. There will be bars that are more quiet and relaxed. You may need to hunt those down which may simply mean asking a few people.

    Of course that doesn’t do you much good if you're not near any actual gay bars or get into the city very often. You could make a habit of taking mini weekend "vacations" over if it's within easy travelling. And on one of these visits, try to find a gay community centre and see what they have as far as info about more outside groups. Perhaps Actu-Gay.com would be a place to check out for next time you're in the city? They seem to list a lot of bars and clubs, but they also have a few more social organizations in there too. maybe that's a place to start anyway.

    And merçi bien for the final bit. Yes I am, and hope you are - or soon will be - as well.
     
  8. bi--athlete

    bi--athlete Well-Known Member

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    Hi, Hunghorse,
    well, if there were only one percent of helping and sharing people, I'm glad to have found them here with you and Andrue :) Because both of you are at least as interesting than I am, could you describe (here or in private conversation) your personal experiences with the gay community and your local situations?
    Take care xxx
    Marc
     
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