sex, soul and the inability to cry.

[dolfette]

i need to cry. that hollow aching, the tight, lax, heaviness of soul and clouding of vision. tight in my throat and my chest, struggling to present a comforting, cheerful face.

and i can't. it doesn't come to me. a constipation of emotion causing pressure to build up without release. like waiting for a storm to break.

i've had a tough month. death, trauma, car crashes and heart break... yet i can't muster a single tear.

my mother once told my sister that 'dolfy doesn't have emotions' and, when my sister objected, she qualified that with 'yeah but not proper ones like everyone else has'. of course, she's full of shit.

and what it makes me want is sexual brutality. not random violation but the passionate violence coupled with genuine mutual affection. to make me cry, a nurturing act, an act of tenderness, like spoon feeding a hungry baby, a basic need met with an act of devotion.

i may be nuts.

i'm not sure where this is going. i suppose, as is often the case, that i'm looking for an understanding. i don't think entirely clearly in this frame of mind.

 

[798686]

You're not nuts.

And awww. :hug: But only after :smashfreakB: if you wish?

 

[dolfette]

You're not nuts.

And awww. :hug: But only after :smashfreakB: if you wish?

wrong sort of hammer but, yes, thank you x

 

[petite]

I hope that you find the catharsis that you need, dolfette. I wish that you had a better month.

 

[minimag]

To get the proverbial ball rolling, watch a movie about a dog or puppy that ends up dying at the end. I'm an evil hateful asshat, and even I can't watch those kinds of movies without feeling like crap by the end.

 

[petite]

Perhaps you could go on a bender. A lot of people feel it's easier to let go after a couple of glasses of wine.

 

[dolfette]

i'm untouched by sad films. or, worse, mildly amused.
and i don't drink. i've never been a tearful drunk though.

i'm not so much looking for suggestions as hoping somebody will get it, empathise or agree or understand. or perhaps have seen it from the other perspective.

 

[Enid]

i can relate to this. at least, i can relate to the not having emotions part for sure. i don't even know what emotions are, sometimes. i suppose in my own way i have sought to find out what they are through sex. perhaps not the same way you have. but a similarity, i think. i hope you find your release.

 

[sbat]

i'm untouched by sad films. or, worse, mildly amused.
and i don't drink. i've never been a tearful drunk though.

i'm not so much looking for suggestions as hoping somebody will get it, empathise or agree or understand. or perhaps have seen it from the other perspective.

I watched a friend get murdered about 4 years ago. For the next 5-6 months I had a profound sense of emotional numbness - nerves completely shocked, if you will. Even my basic senses were a bit untrustworthy at times. Think of it like a fissure - for normal functioning to continue, it has to close up first. As long as you don't ignore the fact that you need time to heal, you'll be ok. And don't sweat how long it might take.

 

[minimag]

I much prefer being an emotional cripple rather than suffering through the ups and downs of normal people.

 

[MickeyLee]

here is to wall collapsing before seams burst, Ms. Dolfette.
:hug:

 

[fordonfire]

i'm most definitely in the same place as you right now. the past 3 months have been absolutely disastrous. after losing my job, terrible things kept happening, and i started smoking weed 24/7...sometimes it helps me cry just a bit, but it's not cathartic or relieving at all, so i really wouldn't recommend it (i'm quitting tomorrow, i swear). so i guess the point to my post is just to say, i feel for you, and things are certain to get better....and steer clear of drugs and alcohol if you are in a bad place.

 

[HiddenLacey]

I'm not sure I can be of help to your situation, but I can relate a bit.

There was a time in my life when I had removed myself from a bad situation. Topped off with the loss of a family member plus two very dear friends, I was emotionally, physically and financially overwhelmed and I felt utterly alone. I tried to keep everything a secret, I told no one, I bottled everything up inside, I was numb. I felt full of anxiety, my eyes burned and my chest felt as though everything inside was in the grip of something out of my hands. I actually can't tell you what happened to change it, I don't know. One day I cried and I didn't stop. When it was over, I felt a sense of relief. However, I've always been emotional. I cry over sad things and happy things and it's always been very hard to control. The one time in my life I felt like crying, it was impossible until I let go. Maybe I realized I had no control after all? Anyway, I think you'll figure it out in your own way when you're ready.

 

[easytoremember55]

everyone is a but nuts at some level.

if you feel emotionally locked perhaps you could seek guidance to unlock it? or something like that. baby steps.

remember life is short and it seems like we only get one go at it. so get cracking if you want to change something about your life.

 

[concupisys]

i can totally relate to this inability to feel the intense pain and sadness in life.... unless i'm totally wasted, i find it very hard to stray from the plateau of monotonous emotion that i carry around with me.... like yourself, i was often told i wasn't allowed to feel sad or depressed by those who had any kind of authority over me when i was young, and it totally followed me in to adulthood to the point that even though i know i'm allowed to feel sad or depressed, i can go for indefinite periods of time without ever showing it.... i didn't even cry when i found out that my father died, as surreal an experience as that was....

after thinking about the reasons why that was for a long time, i realized that i'm ultimately just prepared for the worst all the time.... like every time the phone rings or there's a knock at the door i expect it to be bad news.... i've made my peace with the fact that at any moment i could lose everything or someone close to me could die suddenly.... it's crippling, but i think it's a sort of protection device for me because when i do finally 'feel' something, i feel it to the fullest possible extent.... by keeping things like anger, sadness and depression locked inside me, i can ensure that once it's ready to be unlocked that i'm in a safe place.... it's often mistaken for insensitivity or me being a sociopath, but i know that's not true since i've never tortured any small animals or children or even thought about it for that matter....

the best you can be doing is trying to understand the reasons why you are who you are, and taking advantage of that rather than putting yourself down.... and if that doesn't work, just tell your mother it's all her fault and watch as who she thinks you are slowly eats away at her soul....

 

[spoon]

i need to cry. that hollow aching, the tight, lax, heaviness of soul and clouding of vision. tight in my throat and my chest, struggling to present a comforting, cheerful face.

and i can't. it doesn't come to me. a constipation of emotion causing pressure to build up without release. like waiting for a storm to break.

i've had a tough month. death, trauma, car crashes and heart break... yet i can't muster a single tear.

my mother once told my sister that 'dolfy doesn't have emotions' and, when my sister objected, she qualified that with 'yeah but not proper ones like everyone else has'. of course, she's full of shit.

and what it makes me want is sexual brutality. not random violation but the passionate violence coupled with genuine mutual affection. to make me cry, a nurturing act, an act of tenderness, like spoon feeding a hungry baby, a basic need met with an act of devotion.

i may be nuts.

i'm not sure where this is going. i suppose, as is often the case, that i'm looking for an understanding. i don't think entirely clearly in this frame of mind.

i'm most definitely in the same place as you right now. the past 3 months have been absolutely disastrous. after losing my job, terrible things kept happening, and i started smoking weed 24/7...sometimes it helps me cry just a bit, but it's not cathartic or relieving at all, so i really wouldn't recommend it (i'm quitting tomorrow, i swear). so i guess the point to my post is just to say, i feel for you, and things are certain to get better....and steer clear of drugs and alcohol if you are in a bad place.

screw your mother. she seems a bit bitchy (perhaps toxic.) at the moment you can't cry and you need the release/get it out. if your anything like me--it builds, and, then something stupidly aggrravating will happen, and, you end up crying. it will be something stupid that does it. i don't think you're crazy. it sounds more like being overwhelmed.

i do find that a "bit of pot" in the evening is good. it's relaxing.

 

[dolfette]

after thinking about the reasons why that was for a long time, i realized that i'm ultimately just prepared for the worst all the time.... like every time the phone rings or there's a knock at the door i expect it to be bad news.... i've made my peace with the fact that at any moment i could lose everything or someone close to me could die suddenly....

i do that too. every flap of the letterbox is met with a sigh and a mental bracing. despite everything being fine for years, i haven't fallen into the habit of it to continue indefinitely.

you never know when...

 

[D_Dick_S_Lapp]

Maybe you should go the other way around. As in being more aggressive. Or at the very least physical.

 

[Triasco]

My mother has similar (though significantly less terrible) issues with me at times. I don't really feel emotions in the same way "normal" people do. I never have, even when I was a child. I absolutely despise feeling negative emotions, so I bottle them up inside, which is why most people I know are surprised to see me angry or sad. I also very rarely cry, even when I am sad. It takes quite a bit of pressure to get me anywhere near the emotional capacity needed to cry.

As for the positive emotions, I recognized at an early age that my mother and other people wouldn't be as fond of me if I didn't find a way to act as if I felt even a semblence of the way they did. So, naturally, I learned to fabricate the emotions (which I suppose fed a flair for the dramatic that I nurtured in middle and high school). Eventually, I learned to how to genuinely feel positive emotions like happiness and excitement, but only to the pinnicle of extremity. It's rather fun to feel positive emotions, and when I exude them I seem to draw people towards me, but I find that it can be rather tiring at times, so I revert back to my natural state of feeling nothing except for contempt and distrust for all of humanity (except for those few people who have proven themselves worthy of my attention).

Perhaps our circumstances are just a bit different, but I have also feel that need yet inherent inablity to cry, to release that negative emotion, simply because I have spent so long repressing it that the process has become natural and almost irreversable, unless I'm on stage.

Oh, and I'm not a fan of the act of sex. I mean, I enjoy making innuendo because it either makes people laugh or feel uncomfortable, but I don't really enjoy having sex, I've found, unless, of course, I'm only giving pleasure to a friend (read: true friend who I actually love). I suppose the idea of sex is all right as well, but I've never been able to imagine myself in sexual situations, even when masturbating and when I actually began having sex with my ex-boyfriend. (Note: He was the first serious romantic relationship I ever had, though I don't know if I can say it counts since he felt more for me than I did for him.)

 

[LisaMarie]

Yeah. I can relate with not being able to cry when you know you should. You know you need to. I've been raising a disabled child on my own for most of her life. It's been overwhelmingly difficult. I love her. She IS my life - but fuck it's hard! For a long time I felt like I needed to be strong. She needed me to be strong. So I was almost militant about it all. I repressed all of my emotions and refused to cry. Wasn't healthy. I wasn't healthy.

Anyway, I realize it's not the same. I won't pretend to understand how badly you hurt Dolfette, but I do feel for you. I hope things get better for you soon. You seem to be a fiercely strong woman but learn to cut yourself some slack! We do NOT HAVE TO BE STRONG every fucking minute of our lives! Give yourself time to heal in your own way, at your own pace. I'm sure you WILL kick these issues in the ass when you're good and ready!