Sex with my (bi) male neighbour

[Brian74]

Hi,

There are some solid perspectives being shared with you on this thread but I would invite you to do a bit more of your own honest introspection as you proceed with this situation.

For starters, you say that you aren’t in love with this guy and that it’s sort of casual.

No, it’s not.

I’m sure you aren’t in love, but go back and read some of the many wonderful traits you have described him as having - hell, one of your posts almost made me think I had a crush on the guy -. The nature of your 3-way friendship is way past casual so theres no way I’m believing the sex is just a release. Add to that, you are here seeking the counsel of others on what to do about this ‘situationship’.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of this but these actions belie the ‘casual’ context you attempted to frame this in.

Look, you like the guy. Fwiw, he sounds like a great guy. But I would caution you to be careful. He may eventually come around and embrace this part of himself fully, but he also may not. As well, you may think you know everything about the dynamics of their relationship but you do not. You can not. No third party could.

I’ll leave with this: single people don’t usually stop dating around because they found one involved person to have sex with. They usually stop dating around because their heart has found something it’s seeking in this(involved) person. Even if their mind/ego are telling them otherwise….

Good luck and again, be careful and be sure to protect your feelings in all this.

 

[Luckyboy1983]

Hi,

There are some solid perspectives being shared with you on this thread but I would invite you to do a bit more of your own honest introspection as you proceed with this situation.

For starters, you say that you aren’t in love with this guy and that it’s sort of casual.

No, it’s not.

I’m sure you aren’t in love, but go back and read some of the many wonderful traits you have described him as having - hell, one of your posts almost made me think I had a crush on the guy -. The nature of your 3-way friendship is way past casual so theres no way I’m believing the sex is just a release. Add to that, you are here seeking the counsel of others on what to do about this ‘situationship’.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of this but these actions belie the ‘casual’ context you attempted to frame this in.

Look, you like the guy. Fwiw, he sounds like a great guy. But I would caution you to be careful. He may eventually come around and embrace this part of himself fully, but he also may not. As well, you may think you know everything about the dynamics of their relationship but you do not. You can not. No third party could.

I’ll leave with this: single people don’t usually stop dating around because they found one involved person to have sex with. They usually stop dating around because their heart has found something it’s seeking in this(involved) person. Even if their mind/ego are telling them otherwise….

Good luck and again, be careful and be sure to protect your feelings in all this.

I'll take ur advice at heart.
We'll see how this develops.
Or not.

 

[Luckyboy1983]

The funny thing is I don't think I'd even thought about this guy for a few years, for me it had been a one-off. Yes now I can recall his cock and body and his versatility and really wondered why I never followed through.
The relationship I was in ended a couple of years down the line and I was a free agent, I should have at least looked them up.
It just so happened that I was in the area this week and I drove by. A young couple working in the garden so I stopped and chatted. Yes I used to know the fireman who used to live there etc etc etc. turned out he was now divorced. Did they know where they were living? The guy went indoors and came back with an address for John, the fuck fireman, and a telephone number.
When I got home I rang but there was no answer, I'll ring again another day I thought
But then that night the phone went. "Saw this number had rung and wnderwed who it was" was the opening line and an hour later we were still chatting and going to get together in the near future.

Well got an update...

So 2 day ago he cam by in the middle of the night
all angry and full of questions.
Told before he's so anti-tech, he doesn't know how a phone works.
Thou he stood there, befor emy door with the phone of his GF.
He told me he wanted to see in her phone for signs of cheating on him.
THou he told me her "code" to open the phone... yet acces was denied.
He said why isn't the phone opening?
I said, she proboably had "changed" her acces code.
Suddenly he blew up.
He said: "She has things to hide, why else would she change that code?!"
I didn't know what to say, and I just said, go ask her.
He went all angry and went back to his house.
I could hear him yell at her on the street.
Not only me, but the other neighbors too.
Was all a discussion why he wasn't allowed to see in her phone.
She said he could look into her phone, but tomorrow.
Things quickly escalated...
As he told her she was probably gonna "delete"
all evidence before he could look into it.
Yet he didn't understand why she had changed that code.
She said she doesn't remember, cause she unlocks her phone through
facial recognision. However he thinks its all lies.
Yet he keeps beleiving her in a way, and buying all the sweet talks she's throwing at him.
Next day she didn't show her phone as she promised him before.
So he came back to me asking if I could watch out for something suspicious
when he's not around at their place.
He's finally realising something, that this relationship won't work out.
However he keeps hoping it does, in ways i don't understand.
But he's starting to open his eyes himself.
So I'll give it a couple weeks / months before he finally realises he needs to leave her.
I'm wondering who will break up first, she or he...

 

[Sexb1150]

Well got an update...

So 2 day ago he cam by in the middle of the night
all angry and full of questions.
Told before he's so anti-tech, he doesn't know how a phone works.
Thou he stood there, befor emy door with the phone of his GF.
He told me he wanted to see in her phone for signs of cheating on him.
THou he told me her "code" to open the phone... yet acces was denied.
He said why isn't the phone opening?
I said, she proboably had "changed" her acces code.
Suddenly he blew up.
He said: "She has things to hide, why else would she change that code?!"
I didn't know what to say, and I just said, go ask her.
He went all angry and went back to his house.
I could hear him yell at her on the street.
Not only me, but the other neighbors too.
Was all a discussion why he wasn't allowed to see in her phone.
She said he could look into her phone, but tomorrow.
Things quickly escalated...
As he told her she was probably gonna "delete"
all evidence before he could look into it.
Yet he didn't understand why she had changed that code.
She said she doesn't remember, cause she unlocks her phone through
facial recognision. However he thinks its all lies.
Yet he keeps beleiving her in a way, and buying all the sweet talks she's throwing at him.
Next day she didn't show her phone as she promised him before.
So he came back to me asking if I could watch out for something suspicious
when he's not around at their place.
He's finally realising something, that this relationship won't work out.
However he keeps hoping it does, in ways i don't understand.
But he's starting to open his eyes himself.
So I'll give it a couple weeks / months before he finally realises he needs to leave her.
I'm wondering who will break up first, she or he...

Keep us informed, but I'm not expecting a breakthrough.

 

[Twinkie6969]

This feels like a really dramatic tv show and I’m here is watching this shit for the next episode of drama lol

 

[Luckyboy1983]

Update 2

Yesterday my male neighbor came by around noon.
Telling me, he and his gf are going to take relation counceling / therapy.
He said he wants to fight for his relation.
I was like, oh okay, good for u guys.
He said he was gonna work less, and spent more time with her.
Meanwhile he discovered she's smoking (again)...
He was very mad at her and took her sigarates away multiple times.
With all the vile words and arguings passing the revue. lol.
The whole neighborhood knows now they have relationship problems / issues.
I'm just the one standing at the sideline, not meddling in any way...

I know she said she wanted to give this another chance aswell.
She swore she didn't had / have someone else.
And he just takes her word for it. Cause there is no proof she's telling the truth.
However if this counceling doesn't work out, they're gonna both go their own way.
He thinks this therapy is gonna save their relation, or so he hopes.
I really hope the best for him / them.
But I'm afraid she already made up her mind in some ways.
Me and him didn't have sex for a while now. Maybe for the better.
So I do think he has made his choice on that matter,
by fighting for a relation she doesn't (really) want to be fixed.
However, she swore him to give this relation counceling a chance.
I don't really have a clue how to react on this.
However in my point of view its doomed and a waste of money.
But if that is gonna open his eyes in the end, why not?
I just hope for the best outcome, wether they end up to be together again or not.
For now I also now he's looking for a plan B.
He's looking around for an appartment just for him in case it doesn't work out.
Thou I have the feeling he knows it won't in some ways.
Not really sure, but I'll remain on the sidelines and watch how this goes.

I'll keep u up to date in how this developes...

 

[ndamood4sum]

Well they aren't married... yet.
He does want to marry her, but I "think" for the wrong reasons.
She treats him very badly in my point of view.
Yet it's him who needs to organise the whole wedding stuff.
She told me in a confession before, she doesn't really want to marry him.
I don't think she actually loves him, I don't have that impression.
She gets more and more aggitated by him, if he does doe something wrong
or not completely the the way she wants or sees it.
She never helps him or supports him when he does some things he needs help for.
So he comes over and asks me, which I gladly like to do.
I understand at some point why he seeks comfort with me somehow.
They have been "engaged" for 10 years now (every 5 years the engagements gets renewed).
Yet she doesn't appreciate or shows happiness about it.
In my eyes, he's just a "slave" to her, litterally.
Thou they haven't always been this way.
Certainly not in the beginning when I got to know them.
Thou I like them, both as person (certainly him) and as friends.
But it's not an easy situation. I told him so too.
But he can't help it, to get his sexual relieve with me.
For now it doesn't bother me at all, in fact I do enjoy it.
But is this fair towards her? And how far is she gonna push him away?
I don't know, yet I will be there when he needs me.

You should be careful about what you are saying. "For now it doesn't bother me at all, in fact I do enjoy it." I'm sure you enjoy it and I'm sure the sex is good but you know he is engaged and you call her a friend. You are the kind of friend I would hope my partner ever meet.

You guys are both using each other for sex and I have a feeling if he walked away today you would have a tough time getting over him. For one second, put yourself in her place, please. One minute you are laughing and having a fun time with her and the minute you guys can sneak off you are bumping uglies with her fiance. I guess enjoy it while it last because you know stuff like this always finds its way to the surface and then I'd like to hear you say you don't care about causing problems in their relationship.

 

[Luckyboy1983]

You should be careful about what you are saying. "For now it doesn't bother me at all, in fact I do enjoy it." I'm sure you enjoy it and I'm sure the sex is good but you know he is engaged and you call her a friend. You are the kind of friend I would hope my partner ever meet.

You guys are both using each other for sex and I have a feeling if he walked away today you would have a tough time getting over him. For one second, put yourself in her place, please. One minute you are laughing and having a fun time with her and the minute you guys can sneak off you are bumping uglies with her fiance. I guess enjoy it while it last because you know stuff like this always finds its way to the surface and then I'd like to hear you say you don't care about causing problems in their relationship.

I swear i have no feelings towards my neighbor.
We're just friends (with the benefits)
Would I miss the sexual fun between us?
Maybe a tiny bit, thou it's not like it will depend my life.
I'm sure I can still date other guys if i wanted.
It's just easier to get sex litterally presented to you.

Update 3:

As for now they're in a serious crisis.
Not because of me.
But last time she called me through whatsapp,
she told me she's just tired of him.
He still wants to save his relation,
but its very clear she doesn't want that anymore.
As she told me personally.
For her it's over and out.
Only he needs to realise it, but he doesn't.
He keeps pushing her into going on.
And she clearly doesn't want to participate into this couple counceling.
She said she ain't gonna go to counceling, she won't put more energy into it.
He still tries to do everything... to save their relation.
However its not appreciated by the "girlfriend".
So I think... it will end soon...

Thou he did say, once she throws him out,
he wants to come live with me.
Not sure if he said that to joke, or not.
He'd be welcome, nontheless.
lol...

 

[coklvr83]

Thou he did say, once she throws him out,
he wants to come live with me.
Not sure if he said that to joke, or not.
He'd be welcome, nontheless.
lol...

I'm thinking he is starting to develop feelings. This is a way of hinting at this.

 

[Sexb1150]

Thou he did say, once she throws him out,
he wants to come live with me.

If serious, this is a mistake. Don't do it. He needs to learn to be alone. He can't even see past this relationship that is CLEARLY no good for him.

 

[Luckyboy1983]

I'm thinking he is starting to develop feelings. This is a way of hinting at this.

Not sure he does.
Never saw any signs of that.

If serious, this is a mistake. Don't do it. He needs to learn to be alone. He can't even see past this relationship that is CLEARLY no good for him.

I understand that part of him needing to be alone.
Thou I'm not sure if he wasn't serious or not.
So yeah we'll see once he's thrown out.

 

[Husker83]

Sounds like he can use you to keep getting support, keep getting sex, and stay near her and the girl. I'd tell him he needs an apartment or something to process or your relationship will be just as doomed.

 

[17264491]

Not sure he does.
Never saw any signs of that.

I understand that part of him needing to be alone.
Thou I'm not sure if he wasn't serious or not.
So yeah we'll see once he's thrown out.

Good luck to both of you, this sounds like a nightmare scenario.

Although, you allowing him to move in with you IF he splits with Godzilla, seems innocent and convenient, that could mean more trouble for you both.
If he moves out to your place, SHE is now his neighbor. If you two become more open & he expresses any feelings for you, Godzilla may come after you for splitting them up (even though she says she's not will to go to counseling).

I forsee you going from FWB to rebound relationship to villain. I only hope if he moves in with you ( I hope he does) that she moves away so that maybe you two can really be open. Sounds like the 2 of you were meant to be.

Wishing the best for all involved.

 

[coklvr83]

your relationship will be just as doomed.

BINGO!! he's been fucking you on the side while he's still with her. This activity will very likely not stop.

 

[Luckyboy1983]

Sounds like he can use you to keep getting support, keep getting sex, and stay near her and the girl. I'd tell him he needs an apartment or something to process or your relationship will be just as doomed.

He can have my support any time. I will be there for him as a friend.

Good luck to both of you, this sounds like a nightmare scenario.

Although, you allowing him to move in with you IF he splits with Godzilla, seems innocent and convenient, that could mean more trouble for you both.
If he moves out to your place, SHE is now his neighbor. If you two become more open & he expresses any feelings for you, Godzilla may come after you for splitting them up (even though she says she's not will to go to counseling).

I forsee you going from FWB to rebound relationship to villain. I only hope if he moves in with you ( I hope he does) that she moves away so that maybe you two can really be open. Sounds like the 2 of you were meant to be.

Wishing the best for all involved.

He won't blame me anything.
And SHE couldn't care less obviously.
We both already think she is seeing someone else.
IF he decides to move in, he's welcome.
Yes she will be OUR neightbor den.
Thou that ain't my problem or concearn.
We're adults here. So there won't be fights.
And IF she wants to move, she's free to do so.
Thou its unlikely gonna happen.
Houses aren't excactly cheap here.
ANd on the other matter, a relation with him?
Not sure I'm open for that... yet?
I think it would be better for him to get over her first.

BINGO!! he's been fucking you on the side while he's still with her. This activity will very likely not stop.

Well, UPDATE 4:

Yesterday he came by.
Wanted to talk.
Suddenly he said he wanted to have sex again with me.
I said "no" this time.
I wasn't really in the mood either way and it was a really hot day.
I dislike to have sex on hot days, gets all sweaty and sticky and even hotter.
And I'm a person who can't stand the heat to much.
Maybe once it cools down a bit more, I would again.
I also told him to get his head straight and decide what he wants.
I just sat there, listening to him. I think he just really needed that.
I've been there as a friend for him, always will be.
But I think he needs to think things through and make decissions for himself.
He knows she doesn't want him anymore... yet he keeps hoping.
I don't really like that situation. But it is his choice.
I just hope he will finally make the right one.

 

[17264491]

Well, UPDATE 4:

Yesterday he came by.
Wanted to talk.
Suddenly he said he wanted to have sex again with me.
I said "no" this time.
I wasn't really in the mood either way and it was a really hot day.
I dislike to have sex on hot days, gets all sweaty and sticky and even hotter.
And I'm a person who can't stand the heat to much.
Maybe once it cools down a bit more, I would again.
I also told him to get his head straight and decide what he wants.
I just sat there, listening to him. I think he just really needed that.
I've been there as a friend for him, always will be.
But I think he needs to think things through and make decissions for himself.
He knows she doesn't want him anymore... yet he keeps hoping.
I don't really like that situation. But it is his choice.
I just hope he will finally make the right one.

Kudos to you. Sometimes tough love is needed, even though it's the hardest love to give.

Fingers crossed he moves on & moves in. Good luck and wishing you the best.

 

[Luckyboy1983]

UPDATE 5

Well she gave up on putting efford in that relationship.
He keeps trying, and being laughed at for doing so.
I don't think he deserves this, but I'ml not meddling in between them.
Hope he just stops being so naieve. I just don't know what to do or say.
Past wednessday we went to the local parkconcerts.
And she barely gave him attention, while he was demanding it.
I don't think that's the way to do it.
Offcourse she laughed him out in the face.
And that had upset him and he got mad and exploded.
He said that he would kill himself, so we all could come to his funeral.
Den she replied "You will be there too, right?"... lol
Offcourse I laughed too with such answer, which wasn't a good idea.
Caus enow he thinks I'm choosing her side, which i don't.
But sometimes, he's just so unreasonable and blind.
In meanwhile we've talked it out and we're good again.
But between them, it just got from bad to worse.
I don't think there's any hope left.
But he keeps going for it. He even bought condoms.
In the hope he could get laid again with her.
But won't happen, she said so so many times.
ANd he is just to dumb, or to stubborn to realise it.
I really don't know what to do.
But I'm just trying to be there for him in case he needs someone to listen.

 

[Husker83]

Self harm isn't a joking matter. Either he's dramatic to the point of extremes or it's a cry for help. Either way he's the one needing therapy on his own.