sexless marriage/relationship...

[mm_mm]

Sexless ?...that would be me. Baby born this past spring (our second child together, we've been married 12 years). From date of conception until today, we've had sex 3 times - that's 3 times in 15 months. She says she has little interest, is tired, several excuses each month. I'm ready to give up as I'm the kind of guy that's read all the help books, and do 90% of the household cooking, cleaning, laundry and major bread earner. I share the baby duties throughout the day/night. I've shed some 20 pounds over the past year to get healthier and back to my high school weight. She has no interest...the more I make advances, romantic suggestions, she shrugs them off and says "don't make plans, you get upset when they don't happen"...I end up jackin' off late at night after she's gone to sleep just to keep from going totally insane.

It's not been just since this last child...over the past 5 years of our marriage we've gone for 3-4 times a month to let's say an average of 5-6 times a year. Once we start, she's totally into it, cums a bunch of times and then the next day or week, zip -she doesn't think about it anymore. I give massages to her a few times a week, compliment her clothing/hair, the parenting she does, buy her gifts....heck I got a vasectomy (it was her suggestion and I gladly got it done, thinking it would improve our sex life) in September since we didn't want any more kids (her 34, me 45) and that hasn't improved anything...if fact, I've done all the "emptying of the pipes" solo.

It's a horrible cycle, I get excited about a nice weekend, perhaps a lovely evening will happen...then she shows zero interest or falls asleep watching tv...next morning I'm pissed and pretty much all matter of fact with her on all matters. She realizes this and says I plan too much, I'm always looking for sex and always get moody this when nothing happens...the circle continues, month after month...on and on and on...

Heck, every X-mas and Anniversary I'd buy her something nice from Victoria's Secret - not super slutty, just sexy - all these gifts hang in the back of her closest now...some still have the tags on them.

Sexless marriage - yep, I know it well.

Tell her how you feel. And maybe suggest you both go and speak to someone.

There are hypoactive arousal disorders, and sexual aversion disorders. Not saying she has one, but just check it out before you give up dude.

 

[D_Mona Samore]

I was in a marriage that was close to sexless. My husband started having problems with reaching orgasm. It just wouldn't come for him and he would get frustrated and quit. Then he started having problems getting an erection. Or, he would get an erection and it would go away in the middle of the act. He became even more frustrated. This went on for a few years. His doctor told him it was all in his head. I tried to be supportive. I would tell him not to worry about it. I would try to help and not put on any pressure. But I have a high sex drive. I had needs. So I would masturbate. He hated that. It would make him feel even worse. He felt like a loser as a man. He wouldn't join in, either. So then I had to sneak masturbation. And that sucks, y'all. Eventually he decided the problem was me. I emasculated him. So, he went looking for other women that made him feel more manly.
So, here's one woman's tale of a sexless marriage. I can't give you advice on how to fix yours, cuz I couldn't fix mine. But, I can empathize.

 

[helgaleena]

Re: Captain America--

I have to go with Drifter on this particular example. If you are really doing 90 percent of the work, this woman has some serious rocks in her head and needs professional help. Bring her in with you to a couples counselor or make her go on her own, but get her looked at. She could screw up your children's heads too if she continues to set a sulky example.

I will wager that she needs to get a hobby other than her home life to feel like a human being as 'worthy' as you. She needs to return a few items to the lingerie store and get some that she has chosen herself in exchange, NOT simply cash them in. There must be something around the house that she actually is willing to handle so insist she do that task at the very least so you are not doing it all. Doing it all enables her to remain sulky.

The OP and his love are new to parenting, not two children in. They can work it out.

 

[SilverTrain]

thxs for all the advice! not trying to sound whiny....just after reading site after site of 200xs a year for married couples feeling the norm and my high drive just felt like was alot less....from sounds of it sounds like others have it worse.

I think it was Shakespeare who said, "Comparisons are odious", or something like that.

In any event, count me in the camp that says you're getting more sex than a lot of people who don't consider their marriages sexless. Life (including sex life) changes as we age, and especially after we have children. One must adapt.

I also love the "jack off more, support your wife" comment!

 

[dad4you]

Sexless ?...that would be me. Baby born this past spring (our second child together, we've been married 12 years). From date of conception until today, we've had sex 3 times - that's 3 times in 15 months. She says she has little interest, is tired, several excuses each month. I'm ready to give up as I'm the kind of guy that's read all the help books, and do 90% of the household cooking, cleaning, laundry and major bread earner. I share the baby duties throughout the day/night. I've shed some 20 pounds over the past year to get healthier and back to my high school weight. She has no interest...the more I make advances, romantic suggestions, she shrugs them off and says "don't make plans, you get upset when they don't happen"...I end up jackin' off late at night after she's gone to sleep just to keep from going totally insane.

It's not been just since this last child...over the past 5 years of our marriage we've gone for 3-4 times a month to let's say an average of 5-6 times a year. Once we start, she's totally into it, cums a bunch of times and then the next day or week, zip -she doesn't think about it anymore. I give massages to her a few times a week, compliment her clothing/hair, the parenting she does, buy her gifts....heck I got a vasectomy (it was her suggestion and I gladly got it done, thinking it would improve our sex life) in September since we didn't want any more kids (her 34, me 45) and that hasn't improved anything...if fact, I've done all the "emptying of the pipes" solo.

It's a horrible cycle, I get excited about a nice weekend, perhaps a lovely evening will happen...then she shows zero interest or falls asleep watching tv...next morning I'm pissed and pretty much all matter of fact with her on all matters. She realizes this and says I plan too much, I'm always looking for sex and always get moody this when nothing happens...the circle continues, month after month...on and on and on...

Heck, every X-mas and Anniversary I'd buy her something nice from Victoria's Secret - not super slutty, just sexy - all these gifts hang in the back of her closest now...some still have the tags on them.

Sexless marriage - yep, I know it well.

It is situations like this that drive men like this to men like me. Not that I mind so much, but it makes me feel sad knowing that men need sex to have that ongoing loving feeling. I suspect that this marriage will end unless the wife realizes what she is doing.

 

[Drifterwood]

it makes me feel sad knowing that men need sex to have that ongoing loving feeling.

Not all men for sure, but why does it make you sad?

It makes me sad that partners don't realise it or are happy to ignore it. For me, at this stage, that partner has ended the relationship.

 

[CapAmerica]

Well, I've read the responses and suggestions, here's a little more to the story:

I had a marriage end 14 years ago (ex wife left me to fuck a guy she dealt with via the phone from work), took my 5 year old daughter in the divorce too. Re-married now for 12 years - really love my wife, but with almost zero love, passion, sex - it's lonely, empty and I'm tired of feeling used. At 46 (in 6 weeks), I'm not looking to divorce again - my 10 year old son would be crushed - he and I are close. But in my mind, I can't see just surviving, existing so to speak, day in day out with no sex and feeling pretty much pissed off at the world.

I've started the eating again because I'm bored late at night, thus some of the weight lost is coming back (6 ft 215 lbs now) and I'm feeling sluggish. My hobby has pretty much taken a back seat in life (music, playing guitar and such) and I watch sports for "enjoyment".

Oh, someone said, she needs a hobby ?!...Heck, that's all she does (besides her part time job) - it's a home craft hobby (don't want to give too much personal info.), but she's very good at it and it becomes her obsession when she's not being a mom. Nothing like having both kids sound asleep, it's a quiet evening and we've been getting along really well all day - and I hint at making love and she gives me the "I don't think so look" and continues doing the craft shit.

If my situation doesn't show any sign of improvement in the next few months, I am going to a counselor. In my mind I've toyed with going out and finding a fuck buddy somewhere, but I'm not that kind of guy....but then again ???

 

[Drifterwood]

Get out of the house regularly in the evenings; sure come home, see the boy. cook the supper etc, but then get out of the "wife" environment. She is taking everything for granted, and you are getting fat, miserable and bored. I often go swimming from 8.30 to 10.00 pm, come home and sleep like a baby. If you are then spending lots of time with your son at the weekend, you have a pretty good life apart from the Ball and Chain love life, but as you say you can explore the FB alternatives.

Oh and get that guitar out.

 

[Hippie Hollow Girl]

CapAmerica,

To me it sounds like you have been treating your wife too good and and she is taking advantage of you (a bit). You have spoilt her rotten so to speak. She knows about your past history with your ex wife, she knows that you love her to pieces (unconditional love). She feels secure that she can do anything she pleases (Be selfish) and that because you love her so much that you will deny your needs and only do what she wants to do all the time. You two need to have a long talk and communicate. You have needs and if she can't help you out with those needs at least once a week.....whatever the two of you agree on.....(could be just watching you jack off, a hand job, oral......could be you watching her.....whatever floats your boat.) that you will get your needs met elsewhere. And that might mean web camming with other people whatever you feel comfortable with. I truly believe that if one partner is not meeting the other partners needs and it is verbally talked about with the partner and things don't change.....it is an act of consent. She can't get mad if she ever finds out that you are doing things with other women that she isn't interested in doing.

My opinion of course

 

[BayouBeat]

Have gone through long "sexless" periods during the past five years. During the first pregnancy, she worried so much about miscarriage that we didn't have sex at all, then only sporadically after the delivery. The second child was conceived during one of our rare encounters after the birth of the first (a little over a year earlier). Because of complications with the second delivery, my wife felt pain during intercourse and we rarely had sex for the next and a half. We only really had sex after that with the express purpose of conceiving a third child. Now we're back to sexlessness. So, yes, I sympathize with the original comment and feel the same frustration. Until my wife communicates that she is ready for sexual activity, I'll give her time/space and take matters into my own hand, as it were.

Of course, there is other sexual activity beyond intercourse, but I really feel bad/awkward having to ask my wife for a handjob or blowjob when I can see that she is worn out at the end of the day.

 

[D_Rosalind Mussell]

who here has gone thru a sexless (under 50x's a year) streak with their wife/partner. i'm going thru it now and it's horrible. have thought about looking elsewhere just for satisfaction but haven't as would feel bad about later. she has been suffering from pmdd and other hormonal issues since giving birth that I've tried to be understanding with but its so difficult as I'm the type that could have sex daily and have such a drive when I dont get it causes stress. Ive read up on how to deal, tried everything under the sun to change the mood with her...but nothing. wanted to see what others had been thru and what they did. thanks.

While I don't have any words of wisdom at this time, I have been on both sides of that fence. The postpartum hormones, the emotional toll having a child takes...it all screws with the woman. I didn't have a lot of help so any free time I had was taken up by cleaning, showering and sleeping. There wasn't time to think about sex, nevermind have it. We eventually had more sex, but it never went back to our active unmarried days, which was okay with us. However, the coin flipped about 3 years ago our sex life is pathetic, to be quite honest. Without getting into the details of it, the situation has left me feeling completely unwanted. So I feel the pain for you and your wife. Horrible is definitely a good word for it.

 

[dad4you]

Not all men for sure, but why does it make you sad?

It makes me sad that partners don't realise it or are happy to ignore it. For me, at this stage, that partner has ended the relationship.

I feel sad over this because when 2 people go so far as to have a committed bonding (marriage) and one of those people later on doesnt' realize how they are hurting the other, then both suffer. The one being ignored suffers immediately, the one doing the ignoring suffers later when the relationship ends. Sometimes the one doing the ignoring is oblivious to what they are doing until it is too late to salveage the relationship. I think this is what happened to my brother when out of the blue his wife divorced him and he said he had no idea why. She never told him, but it wasn't too much longer he said that he saw her out with another man. Humm.:sad:

 

[hardAndHorney]

Married and 50/year? Awww, poor guy. Just for the fun of it I started marking mine down on the calendar. It the last year I've had it 46 times. Unfortunately only only 6 of those times were with my wife. The others were with Tumbelina and her four friends. And no need to bother asking if I help w/dishes, make the bed, fix the plumbing, tell my wife she's beautiful, shave my balls. Yes, yes, yes.

 

[rrambo]

I'm in the same situation more or less as captamerica... my wife and I had great sex the first year.. I mean really, really GREAT sex... and then she lost interest... I'm romantic, I do things for her all the time, I do 95% of the household chores.. you name it.. more foreplay, romantic getaways, talking.. I've tried everything.. after a year of this she finally went to multiple doctors for help.. nothing... of course after that I thought it was me.. she was cheating, wanted something different.. all the scenarios you can think of as to why she didn't want me anymore.. I openly talked to her about it, always with no pressure, no fighting.. told her I was even willing to let her be with someone else if that's what she was craving.. nothing.. then it turned into a slight obsession that she MUST be cheating on me.. nope...

now, we do have sex.. just not often.. and it's always because she can tell I'm frustrated and it's more of an obligation.. she does it because she has to.. do you have any idea what it feels like to have sex with someone who doesn't want to be doing it.. just lays there waiting for it to be over with?? I feel like total shit afterwards..

I've tried everything.. read everything I can think of.. talked until we're both tired of talking... I've given up.. mainly because she's given up.. it's not getting any better.. if anything, it's getting worse.. going on 4 years now since it's been this way....

with regards to the pictures in my gallery.. yep.. from the first year...

 

[EmJay]

Well, I've read the responses and suggestions, here's a little more to the story:

I had a marriage end 14 years ago (ex wife left me to fuck a guy she dealt with via the phone from work), took my 5 year old daughter in the divorce too. Re-married now for 12 years - really love my wife, but with almost zero love, passion, sex - it's lonely, empty and I'm tired of feeling used. At 46 (in 6 weeks), I'm not looking to divorce again - my 10 year old son would be crushed - he and I are close. But in my mind, I can't see just surviving, existing so to speak, day in day out with no sex and feeling pretty much pissed off at the world.

I've started the eating again because I'm bored late at night, thus some of the weight lost is coming back (6 ft 215 lbs now) and I'm feeling sluggish. My hobby has pretty much taken a back seat in life (music, playing guitar and such) and I watch sports for "enjoyment".

Oh, someone said, she needs a hobby ?!...Heck, that's all she does (besides her part time job) - it's a home craft hobby (don't want to give too much personal info.), but she's very good at it and it becomes her obsession when she's not being a mom. Nothing like having both kids sound asleep, it's a quiet evening and we've been getting along really well all day - and I hint at making love and she gives me the "I don't think so look" and continues doing the craft shit.

If my situation doesn't show any sign of improvement in the next few months, I am going to a counselor. In my mind I've toyed with going out and finding a fuck buddy somewhere, but I'm not that kind of guy....but then again ???

It won't change in the next coming months..because for her there is no reason to. Why should there change a thing? She is getting what she wants..peace and quiet to do her thing.
Have you discussed and expressed your needs?..take her hand and sit her down for a quiet conversation about what you are feeling and what you feel you need and what you are prepared to give her. Find a comprimise. Just you..no distractions..focusing on establishing some communication with each other.

2nd Don't wait for her too change, its you who needs changing. Get active again, go to the gym, have a new haircut and start a healthy diet. Get active again and change your regular cycle that she is has gotten accustomed to. If she sees that you are changing and taking care of yourself, she will start to wonder where that comes from. She might wonder if you are cheating, but the more you can stay true to her the stronger you will become. If she still cares she might even get her territorial juices flowing again and pursue you.

3th get yourself some masturbating toys to change it up a little for yourself..a flashlight, a fake cunt, whatever..

4th Seek help from a counselor to help you make the decision you need to. I understand that at 46 the fear of staying behind alone could frighten you, as well as losing your child (again)..but these are fears that will always keep you where you are. Because no matter how terrible a divorce is for a child, seeying your parents in an unhappy marriage is just as bad. Figure out what is really important and make a plan for yourself that can keep you happy enough.

5th. If you feel that she will not give you an inch and keeps sexually ignoring you for months (without illness of some kind), then in my eyes you have a right to cheat. Just do it discretely and with as much respect as possible for both parties (the one you cheat with and your wife) concerned. Its a hard choice this one, because in essence the union of your sworn commitment is broken. So it will all depend on you not getting caught..and in most cases you will if your heart isnt cold as a rock.. So its a ticking timebomb whenever you choose this road. Remember this.

but on the other hand there are many marriages where the pressure is taken off the back of the husband or wife when one of them has decided to fulfill their sexual needs outside their marriage. It can take the edge of. Leaving you to enjoy what's left of the marriage. But the union is fake,,however maaaaany people are living it.

But starting to talk is essential..and not just once..try several times.

And to the OP:
Once a week is a good average in most marriages. Do not believe the 2-3 a week BS. Many couples i know..have sex once every 2-3 weeks..some 5-6. This has never happened to me, but for the last year of my ex-rels a few years ago i wasnt able to have sex for 8 months..I just couldn't..I was done. But this was after 12.5 years..so. It ended subsequently.

However you do have a high sexdrive, and you will have to deal with the fact that your wive's is different...by seeking pleasurable alternatives without physically cheating. Because I believe this might be a phase..but she does need to get help. You as her partner have a right to ask this of her.

 

[EmJay]

I'm in the same situation more or less as captamerica... my wife and I had great sex the first year.. I mean really, really GREAT sex... and then she lost interest... I'm romantic, I do things for her all the time, I do 95% of the household chores.. you name it.. more foreplay, romantic getaways, talking.. I've tried everything.. after a year of this she finally went to multiple doctors for help.. nothing... of course after that I thought it was me.. she was cheating, wanted something different.. all the scenarios you can think of as to why she didn't want me anymore.. I openly talked to her about it, always with no pressure, no fighting.. told her I was even willing to let her be with someone else if that's what she was craving.. nothing.. then it turned into a slight obsession that she MUST be cheating on me.. nope...

now, we do have sex.. just not often.. and it's always because she can tell I'm frustrated and it's more of an obligation.. she does it because she has to.. do you have any idea what it feels like to have sex with someone who doesn't want to be doing it.. just lays there waiting for it to be over with?? I feel like total shit afterwards..

I've tried everything.. read everything I can think of.. talked until we're both tired of talking... I've given up.. mainly because she's given up.. it's not getting any better.. if anything, it's getting worse.. going on 4 years now since it's been this way....

with regards to the pictures in my gallery.. yep.. from the first year...

Hmm..how were her past relationships..could you tell from her stories that her drive has been high back then? I have a feeling..and I could be wrong ofcourse..that she might have always had a low sexdrive..maybe due to intimacy issues in her past.

But the 'honeymoon' phase of your relationship kicked her desires into 5th gear. Now that her feelings have settled, she's back in her old mode again..

If its not hormonal or psychological in a way that could be treated with psychotherapy, it might just be that you will have to accept that she has a disability in that way.

So either the rest of the marriage is providing you with lots of fulfilment to seek alternative pleasures or you need to seriously figure out if that is the kind of marriage you still need.

I so feel for you..I agree as poster dad4you has said that it makes me sad to see this. Here I am hungry to find my love in life, and then I see people like you in relationships like this..

 

[rrambo]

Hmm..how were her past relationships..could you tell from her stories that her drive has been high back then? I have a feeling..and I could be wrong ofcourse..that she might have always had a low sexdrive..maybe due to intimacy issues in her past.

But the 'honeymoon' phase of your relationship kicked her desires into 5th gear. Now that her feelings have settled, she's back in her old mode again..

If its not hormonal or psychological in a way that could be treated with psychotherapy, it might just be that you will have to accept that she has a disability in that way.

So either the rest of the marriage is providing you with lots of fulfilment to seek alternative pleasures or you need to seriously figure out if that is the kind of marriage you still need.

I so feel for you..I agree as poster dad4you has said that it makes me sad to see this. Here I am hungry to find my love in life, and then I see people like you in relationships like this..

Thank you.. as far as fulfillment in the marriage.. almost everything else is great... we don't fight, we get along well.. just no intimacy...

It's very discouraging.. and I'm at the end of my rope... feels hopeless

 

[blacklegend]

I totally understand what Unknown79 is going through. My marraige was affected by the birth of a child, then by depression, then by an illness which caused more depression and lack of sex drive. After 7 years of having sex 6 times a year, the intimacy in our relationship had all but fizzled away, even though I had tried all the strategies recommended to "spice up" a relationship.
During the first six months of the year we had no sex at all and she started to blame me for all her depression problems, even though I had been supportive throughout her illness. She decided that she would be better off on her own and asked me to leave back in June. Since then I have met a wonderful, caring and loving partner who loves sex just as much as me and we often make love 3 times a day!
There is light at the end of the tunnel, but don't feel guilty about walking away from a relationship that is damaging you as a person.
Good luck!

 

[helgaleena]

Three people are giving us examples now in this thread of low to no sex in their relationships.

All I can say is, don't be like me-- I have a sad history of putting up with no sex from a partner for many years and blithely pretending nothing is wrong and it will fix itself somehow. I'd start dropping little come-hither hints after a bit and then the real trouble would finally come out and I'd get the heave ho. Before that my erstwhile partner would simply think that I hadn't noticed! No, I was simply very used to denying my actual sexual needs by sheer force of will, much like a nun.

What you and your partner in each situation decide to do is up to you. But for goodness sake admit to your partner that there is a major problem, before it gets screwy. The one with the 'craft shit' is not listening to hints and wants things to stay as they are, and I think Em Jay had very good advice for that problem. Don't let her pretend nothing is wrong.

 

[BlackLantern]

I've been married 17 years now, and we have sex 3-4 times a year. She just never feels "in the mood", or doesn't feel good, or she's having her period.

It doesn't help my depression one bit, as I've got a smaller than average dick (right at 4"), and makes me think that's the reason.