Sexual Acts and Sexuality

[D_Martin van Burden]

To what extent do the acts you participate in have a significant bearing on your sexuality? Does participation in the act make you swing one way or another? And how does your sexuality tie in to how you feel, love, respect, care about, confess affection for, and demonstrate attraction toward others?

Answer one or all of the questions. Run away with it. Say what you feel.

 

[D_Martin van Burden]

I'll start.

As of today, I consider myself straight.

I acknowledge that, over the years, I have had quite the experimentation in sexual behavior and sexual labels. I wasn't very sexually active as a teenager, partly because I was inept at that sort of thing and, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't talk all the shit men say to women at that age. It was stupid to play into that "pimpin' " vibe, so I turned it down and did my own thing.

When I got to college, I really let loose, mostly because I was away from home and I could get away with whatever I wanted so long as I made the grades and took care of my priorities. I drank. I did some drugs, yeah. I also fooled around with both men and women, for the first time either way. I didn't have a lot of experience with women prior, and in the right context, having fun with a dude was cool too.

That was it -- fun -- until I got to the point where I needed to rationalize it all out, make sense of it. That's the first time I identified as bisexual, and naturally, it seemed right to tell my mom. Of course, and to this day, she's still figuring things out and, me, I'm just fine.

In retrospect, the only thing I really wondered (and a discussion this evening prompted it) was why I let a few acts here and there "shape" my self-conception of sexuality. It would be a different matter altogether if I envisioned men in a romantic way, or I have strong desires that women couldn't compare with. That's not the case, though.

I'm straight because, comparatively speaking, I'll have way less diverse interactions with men than women. I'm not hard up or closed off enough to say that I don't enjoy jacking with a guy every now and then, or that I'm morally opposed to getting a decent blowjob if it's consensual and done well. Not an issue at all. I keep hearing the term "straight but not narrow," and I guess that's how I stand. I'm straight; I've had my fun and I enjoyed it and it didn't stress me, and in fact, it's left me a much more open-minded person.

For most people, sexuality will always be a black-and-white issue with clearly defined attractions. I don't see it that way. The easy way is to agree that sexuality exists along a continuum. The more difficult thing to rationalize are the implicit assumptions we have on how we qualify sex, the social forces that impact sexuality and its readings, and how we internalize and/or reject those standards accordingly.

 

[jdoe86]

As most of you know here I am bisexual. I have had more female sexual partners than male. I get more sexual satisfaction from females than male. There was a time when most of my partners were men. But with a man, it was just sex. With a woman, it is a lot more. Sexual acts? Well, I love to suck a big thick cock. I love anal sex with men and women. What more can I say?

 

[13788]

Javierdude22:

In retrospect, the only thing I really wondered (and a discussion this evening prompted it) was why I let a few acts here and there "shape" my self-conception of sexuality.  It would be a different matter altogether if I envisioned men in a romantic way, or I have strong desires that women couldn't compare with.  That's not the case, though.  

Hey Dee,

Can I ask you something (related to the quote). You mention that it would be different if you envisioned men in a romantic way. That is something IMO very defining indeed. But...have you envisioned women in a romantic way? And with that I dó mean envisioning, but I also mean if you have experienced women in a romantic way?

Ill try to link this to my own feelings toward this. As you know Im in  way dealing with the same issues. Upto any sexual experience I had, I only envisioned women in a romantic way. Sexually, I was attracted to both sides I felt. The weird thing is, that all my life ive had crushes on girls. Honest to God crushes. I can also honestly say that I loved two of them. When I was 18 I fell in love with a girl so badly that I saw myself become happy with her, a life long. The year I spent with her (before I let her know how I felt) was seriously the happiest moment of my life upto now. I was begging for this to work as i felt she would be the only one I could stay totally committed to, in other words, id feel no other desires. Well, tough noogies on me, she turned me down.

Ive never felt anything like this for another girl. After I had sex with both sides, I sadly had to conclude that although I liked both, the balance was a bit skewed towards guys.  But I still never could imagine myself romantically with a dude...Well, somebody proved me wrong, but in all these years ive been sexually active he was the only one and I dont think any other will.

Ok I realize now that i dont have  point....well that bites...

Uhm

So yeah, how bout them Nicks=

Well, what Im trying to say (I think) is that it can always go either way. Ive felt total romance with  girl, but sexually guys seem to win, although theres no way I feel romantic about them. The actual romantic thoughts would make me sick.

So now I know all this, and still I dont know shit. I think everyone should define themselves however they want, and you defining yourself as straight is just fine. I define myself as straight, of course cause I dont think its anybodys business to know what I do. But even more so, cause every other thing I do, feel, or act upon, except for the sexual side occasionally, is straight.

I think that although defining ones self as straight, which is perspective one takes upon themself, it doesnt mean that the actual acts sometimes dont cross the other side of the line. Like you mentioned yourself already. But one step further, I also mean ith this that although you haven´t envisioned yourself romantically with men, it can hit your roof un expectedly, as it once did with me. You might meet somone so weirdly special that you cant help but feel other stuff than mere physical attraction. Anything can happen.

 

[13788]

Valkyrie: Good topic!

I've identified myself as bi for quite a long time - since mid-teens and I'm currently in my early thirties.

As far as I can remember I've always had feelings for both men and women - crushes, sexual feelings/thoughts, caring for, wanting to be close, etc.

I wasn't very sexually active as a teenager - lost my virginity at 19, almost 20. Never saw the point in "just doing it" because everyone else did - I wanted it to feel right and be comfortable with the person I was with.

Up until my late twenties I had only been with men - both from a relationship and from a sexual point of view. Why? I really don't have a good answer to this - as a teen/in my early twenties I think it's connected to subconsciously trying to "fit in" with a generally accepted view of sexuality. A bit strange as I've never really defined myself as caring for societys norms - but I guess some things run deeper than what we're aware of.

In my late twenties I mentally said "screw it" - this is how my sexuality is and I'm not going to remove that part of myself. From there on I've been with both men and women. Women so far only in a sexual context but I do notice that I have far deeper feelings than only getting "turned on" by women. As the situation is today I don't find it unlikely that my lifelong partner just as well could have been a woman as hubby - and who knows at some point in time there may be three of us (no, not referring to children...)?

/Val

 

[13788]

drambone: Geo, I'm with all the way you on your thoughts up there! t is said that people who are truly bi are few and far between but this has not been my experience.

 

[D_Martin van Burden]

Javier:

It's hard to answer your question. If someone asked me, "Have you ever been in love?" then I would simply answer, "No." Considering my dating and relationship history, since almost all of my prospects were women exclusively, then I cannot wholly say I have felt something romantic for a woman.

I mean, I had girlfriends and such in middle school and high school, but looking back, those relationships weren't serious at all. Call it "puppy dog love" or something "cute," but honestly, that's all it was. The relationships lasted anywhere from a couple of months to a year (on-and-off), and I had my fun while I was in them, but I wouldn't make them any more grandiose than that.

But I would argue that I am more likely to embrace romantic love with a woman than a man. I don't know if it's a matter of feelings, i.e. I feel more comfortable expressing a romantic interest in women. Or if it's a matter of right or wrong, i.e. it feels right to pursue women this way, but not men. Or even if it's a matter of selection, i.e. I haven't found the guy I want to express myself romantically with.

I think issues of affection cloud things even more. As discussed in the thread on men giving affection to other men, I am no less reserved about hugging or smooching a guy on the cheek -- it's the friendship that makes the affection feel good, rewarding, honest, etc. But when does affectionate love become romantic love? If we agree that romantic love seems forged more out of mutual dependency and a desire to keep that closeness with the person, so long as I'm focused on getting out of graduate school and making something of myself, I really don't have the time to pursue a romantic investment with someone.

 

[13788]

sammygirly: So, are we defining what we are by how we feel or what we do?  That's the real question yes?

If I feel more compelled to eat vegetables, but still sample my fair share of meat...can I call myself a vegetarian?  

This dilemma is tough for me to respond to because I do consider myself bisexual - because I enjoy the ACT with both sexes.  However, much like Dee - I am more inclined to be romantically involved with one sex rather than the other.  I honestly don't know if I could sustain a continuous and monogomous relationship with just a woman.  There's something in men that I need emotionally that I'm unsure I could find in a woman.

So - emotionally straight, but sexually bi?

Tought topic Dee....lemme think some more

 

[jonb]

It's on a continuum. In the absence of women, men turn to each other. (Look at prisons.) In some societies, only the passive role is considered separate from heterosexuality.

 

[13788]

Javierdude22: [quote author=sammygirly link=board=sex;num=1066881395;start=0#7 date=10/23/03 at 18:24:32]
So - emotionally straight, but sexually bi?
[/quote]

See, thát distinction is what it's all about in my opnion. You hit the spot Sammy.

 

[13788]

nacard01: I believe it is more based on the person. NOt a view point of society or anything else. Whether you know you are straight or not. If you decide that "getting off" with someone of the opposite sex or any other type of sexual act deems you bi or something you know you aren't. Its possible there are underlying issues you should think about first but sometimes getting off is just getting off. I do not believe in this frame of mind although I do know quite a few guys who do.

Kermit

 

[13788]

wvalady1968: The posts here have made me reconsider the way I feel, honestly, and I have to admit that there have been two women in my life with whom I would have had sex if the conditions had been right. But all my relationships, and most of my fantasies, have been about guys.

And I've always believed that the people who were the most adamantly homophobic were so because they had sexual urges for some members of their gender, but had been taught that homosexuality is evil. There's just an element of fear in homophobia that I can't explain any other way.

IMHO logic tells us that tastes run the gamut from strictly heterosexual to strictly homosexual, with most of us falling somewhere in between on the Bell curve. We're just too complex to be placed in a single category.

 

[13788]

blo1988: This topic keeps popping up in some format or another...probably because it can cause a real dilemma for many of us.
As the chronologic distance from our upbringing increases we encounter many new things; food, music, art, new countries, etc. We may also encounter people and relationships that trigger previously unexpressed and unexplored desires. Our upbringing and personality type usually determine how we process these experiences.
Some of us (me, and some others on this page) are from religious backgrounds that heavily valence our reaction to a number of issues, but sex is usually on the top of the list. Biases from our upbringing often obstruct our ability to access our feelings easily. We judge what we think; it is reflexive and usually not easily understood. Reflexive self-judgement is not very helpful if one's goal is self awareness.
Sexuality is tough because it is often connected to one's sense of self esteem. There's alot on the line. It may be too tough for some to sort out in a healthy way.
So, I have a hard time getting my brain around discussions of labels. Gay, straight, bi...it seems to me that they are just like political labels. When do you become a Democrat or a Republican or an Independant? If you love Democrats, but vote Republican are you a Republican or closet Democrat??? I'm not sure. But I am sure that the label doesn't change WHAT WE DO.
Dee, from my perspective, if you have been with guys several times I would describe you as bi with an emotional preference for women. But if you identify as straight that is fine with me.
It is POSSIBLE that you still have feelings that could surprise you. You might fall in love with a person who happened to be a man....and discover something in yourself that is more powerful than you realize.
It happened to me.
As a result I discovered that it is a blessing to be able recognize and accept love where I found it; but it was a struggle.
Now, if that happened to you would you be gay????
Well, who the fuck knows what those rules are. Why the fuck should we care so much?????
It is MUCH more important that you would still be a gifted, articulate man of insight and obvious compassion.
Shit, you are all probably asleep by now. Sorry. w

 

[D_Martin van Burden]

It sounds like quite a few of us are wrangling sexual labels with emotional ones. Of course, I think sexuality covers these two fields and so much more. The whole point was to parse out how sexuality isn't simply a functional label that best describes who one chooses to fuck on a regular basis.

But to answer the question, I think I'm at that point where I'm willing to accept possibilities as they come. Perhaps this is trivializing, but if I were to meet a guy that could conjure up in me a need to want to be with him, share my life, bond on a deeply emotional level, and to seek his companionship, I would go for it. But you know what? That guy may very well be a good friend; boyfriend and girlfriend relationships are surely not the only ones that can contribute to such feelings.

The sex? Hell, what do you think "friends with benefits" are for?! Just kidding.

 

[13788]

ThighSlapper: For me, all through my life I liked both. Different things about both sexes. The reserved, guarded sexuality of females - the all-out sexuality of guys. I was with both for a long time, sometimes with spells where I only did one or the other.

Then my exhibitionist side kicked in and it was something I wanted and still want to experience with guys.

For some reason, for me, the best time to be had with the mutual masturbation / exhibitionism is with str8 guys. There's a primalness about it that I can't explain, but is irresistable to me.

 

[13788]

blo1988: Yeah, I think that you are right on the money about the confusion of emotions and actions. I have evolved in my lifetime.
My sexual and emotional lives were not always well integrated. I think that it is prety common. One concrete example is that early on in my sexual encounters with men I would let them suck my dick, but I didn't like them to touch me fondly or kiss me. I realized later that it was a manifestation of my internalized homophobia. Things take time to sort themselves out; and for some folks they never do. They live in conflict.
Anyway Dee, that is why I have a hard time sorting out the labels. It is a very complex issue....and labels don't really do the matter justice in some cases. Those who are clearly on some end of the Kinsey scale are easily labelled. But for the rest of us?????????????

 

[13788]

pghcyclist:

It sounds like quite a few of us are wrangling sexual labels with emotional ones.

I came out at 27. I had sex with two women prior to that. I had broken up with the second woman about 3 months prior to coming to terms with the fact that I am gay. I went to see a sex therapist and talk about the issues. The first thing he said to me was "forget about labels and worry about what gets your dick hard."

I'd always noticed guys, and hypermasculine guys with big muscles and/or big dicks always made me hard. Women, well, I could take them or leave them. However, I felt that society expected me to date women, and there was a certain comfort level with that.

My first "date" with a man, while it felt right on some very basic, emotional leve, was very uncomfortable -- could we hold hands in public, could we kiss, could he put his arm around me or me him?

As for sexual arousal, that's nerve-ending stuff. The first time I had sex, the first women I had sex with began rubbing my crotch. It got hard and popped up over the top of my jeans. That got her excited, and one thing led to another and I lost my virginity. That doesn't mean that having sex with women 'felt' right for me, it just means that I got aroused and performed -- nerve-ending stuff.

Worrying about labels to describe either emotional stuff or physical arousal is counter-productive. What you need to worry about is leading the most happy and fulfilling life you possibly can.

Scott

 

[jdoe86]

Some people can't handle sexuality without emotion. I myself find men attractive, but I will never fall in love with a man. To me, they are sexual. (did I make any sense?)

 

[13788]

joe22xxx: As usual I enjoyed reading all the responses to Dee's thread, but I have to admit I'm more confused about this issue than I was before!  ???

 

[13788]

Javierdude22: If you want, could you explain Joe?