Sexual assault affecting sex drive

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by Ramsey, Jun 10, 2010.

  1. Ramsey

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2008
    Messages:
    1,172
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    10
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Verified:
    Photo
    Ok, I may get stoned for some of this, but talking with a friend recently, she tried telling me that her high sex drive is because she was molested when she was younger. Talking with her further, she seemed to be of the feeling that most or all women with a high sex drive, have it because they were sexually abused.
    I think this is horseshit, but what do you say? Forums are open to discussion.

    I have issues about her situation anyway, she is the kind of girl who keeps hamming things up for attention and does so for most things in her life, first time she told me about what happened to her it was just once, then it was a few times, now she says it went on for years.
    PLEASE DON'T MISUNDERSTAND ME. I know this is terrible, and it affects a lot of women, and believe me, my heard goes out to these girls and I want to destroy every piece of vile shit that would do that to a woman. However, when a woman centers her life around it, I have issues. When they use it as an excuse for everything, I have issues.
     
  2. HiddenLacey

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2010
    Messages:
    5,470
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    248
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    somewhere
    THIS is all just IMO.
    It is quite possible. You have to understand that most abuse victims suffer from some type of mental disorder for the rest of their life.

    However, everyone has different reactions to things that happened to them in their past. Sometimes someone is molested and they become promiscuous because they learn that sex=love. This can happen a lot if she was abused by a father figure in her life. Everyman she meets for the rest of her life she may exchange sex for love, until she learns that it's not the same thing. It happens more often than people realise. It's very sad.

    Rape causes different reactions as well. Some women blame themselves, some downgrade their appearance afterward, some women live in terror, some feel dirty and some overcome it and choose to not let it control the rest of their lives.

    BUT when it comes down to everyday choices it does control them forever in certain ways. It's not a crutch it's just something that happens to some people and everyone deals with it differently. If she is telling you that is how she feels, I would tend to believe her. It runs deeper than what she is telling you and what you could ever understand.
     
    #2 HiddenLacey, Jun 10, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 10, 2010
  3. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2010
    Messages:
    9,873
    Likes Received:
    11
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    NSW, Australia
    I can't speak for 'most' women, but I can definitely say that not ALL women with a high sex drive have been abused. I have the highest sex drive of any woman I've ever met (although maybe some on here have higher :smile: ), and I was never abused sexually, or in any other way.

    Many women who were sexually abused as children will go one of two ways: some become very promiscuous (with various reasoning behind it), some become shy or scared of sex. Having said this, some women who have been abused go on to have entirely middle of the range reactions to sex.



    It is possible she is lying to get attention. I think the most likely situation is that she was abused, but isn't comfortable telling the truth about it yet. So she makes up stories that may each have some relationship with the truth. Having known a lot of people who have been abused (women and men) this is a fairly common way of dealing, or not dealing, with the past.

    Don't worry! You made it pretty clear that you are respectful towards those this has happened to.


    I totally understand this. An ex of mine was sexually abused as a child. He used this as the excuse for why everything went wrong in his life. While child abuse can have far reaching effects, there comes a point where people have to realise that they are now adults and need to take responsibility for themselves. Also, they need to realise that every time they let the abuse fuck their life up, they are letting the abuser win.
     
  4. Wish-4-8

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2008
    Messages:
    2,808
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    LA, California
    One of the first questions Howard Stern would ask guests on his show was if there was any sexual abuse in their life. The guests in this case were strippers, pornstars, prostitutes, and escorts.

    A high percentage of them did have some sort of abuse in their life.
     
  5. B_Mademoiselle Rouge

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2007
    Messages:
    9,735
    Likes Received:
    26
    Location:
    Southern US
    I was sexually abused as a child. It triggered a "drive" within me far before a child should even have those thoughts or feelings about sex. It was insatiable until i got some of my sexual/mental hang ups under control.

    Sexual abuse is rampant in society, moreso on females. Just because it came before the sex drive doesn't mean it is responsible for it. But there is something to be said about how one deals with it and how she respects or disrespects herself afterwards.

    My mom became very frigid, i became very sexual.
     
  6. dolfette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2006
    Messages:
    11,901
    Likes Received:
    25
    yes it can.

    abusers often try to create sex=approval and sex=reward associations in their victims.
    years of this while their minds are still growing can hardwire it into their personalities.

    it's perfectly logical.

    also, taking control and being the one seeking sex can sometimes ease the feelings of helplessness for some people. the buzz momentarily kills the pain and it can be addictive.
     
    #6 dolfette, Jun 10, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2010
  7. dolfette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2006
    Messages:
    11,901
    Likes Received:
    25
    y'know there's no 'right' way to react to abuse.

    society has this image that we should all become complete wrecks, cry a lot, hug our parents, then come out of it wholesome and strong.
    these unrealistic stereotypes actually make healing very difficult for victims, because they're not only dealing with the assault but also dealing with the guilt of their reactions not fitting the script.
     
  8. Embrace69

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2009
    Messages:
    281
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Somewhere Over the Rainbow
    Verified:
    Photo
    I can say from my own experiences, I experienced both. I was molested as a child at 4/5 years old which piqued my sexual curiosity at a very very young age. But then, I was raped when I was 20 which caused me to shut down for a very long time. I went through counseling for three years just to be able to admit it happened and talk about it semi openly. It did affect my sex life and I did not want to engage in anything sexual. It's taken me a while to get back to my "old self" but it's happening. I still have minor hangups but I'm with someone I trust with my life so it's not such a big deal for me anymore.

    So while I can't speak for all women because we are all different, it did make my drive/curiosity higher when I was a child. Then when I was full on raped, it caused me to shut down sexually and otherwise. So I can understand both ends of the spectrum.

    It's something I will always live with for the rest of my life. I however, am not going to let it dictate who I am or who I will become. I still have my moments where I go back to those horrible incidents. But for the most part, I'm who I am molestation/rape or not. In my current relationship, I am free to be how I am and it's absolutely liberating in many aspects.
     
  9. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2010
    Messages:
    9,873
    Likes Received:
    11
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    NSW, Australia
    Yay! Go you! :smile: My mum sees it as a survivor versus victim thing. You are definitely a survivor :smile: My ex remained a victim.
     
  10. Embrace69

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2009
    Messages:
    281
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Somewhere Over the Rainbow
    Verified:
    Photo
    In my college sorority, that's the ironically enough the nick-name I was given because of that very incident.
     
  11. petite

    petite New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2010
    Messages:
    7,539
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    It sounds like your friend may be trying to make excuses for why she is the way that she is. I know that I often feel like a freak because women aren't supposed to be such perverted horndogs, and I am. Being a woman means that you carry a lot of baggage around regarding your own sexual identity and being too horny is never really a good thing if you are a woman. It's something I definitely feel that I need to hide about myself. I know that I have slut-shaming feelings about myself that are completely illogical, but cultural pressures are powerful and effective weapons.

    I discovered my clitoris at the age of 5 and I experienced my first orgasm not long afterward. I masturbated nightly long before puberty and I was curious about sex long before puberty. I think I was just born with a higher than average sex drive.

    She may just have a high sex drive. Correlation does not mean causation. A woman can both have been sexually abused and also have a high sex drive. She may have become more sexual because of abuse. Either one is a possibility.

    There are many ways a person may react as a result of sexual molestation, rape, or sexual assault. These are some examples of how real life women have reacted to various kinds of sexual abuse:

    Some women become frigid.

    Some women cannot be touched without feeling shame, fear, and guilt. Those confusing feelings stem from experiencing the sensations of arousal or orgasm while being molested, because feeling fear, shame, and guilt during sexual acts leads them to forever associate extremely negative emotional feelings with the sensation of arousal or orgasm. It's extremely difficult to ever overcome the association of those emotions with sex.

    Some women become frigid because certain situations remnid them of what happened. They can't be touched certain ways, or have sex in certain positions, or they can't look at certain parts of their partners bodies or touch their partners certain ways becasue it reminds them of what happened to them.

    Some women have no problems being sexual as long as they make the first move and they are the pursuer in the relationship or they only have sex in positions where they are on top, but they freeze up if their partner becomes the pursuer or tries to initiate sex or tries to be "dominant" in bed.

    Some women become very sexual.

    Some women put up emotional barriers when it comes to sex, making them more like men when it comes to separating sex from their emotions. It's easier for them to have sex and not involve their feelings.

    Some women who were regularly molested before puberty become confused about what is sexually appropriate in relationships, because their sense of boundaries and appropriate behavior towards others has been affected. They make passes towards others in inappropriate situations and towards people with whom the relationship would make it inappropriate.

    Some women have difficulty relating to other people in an entirely non-sexual way, making it difficult for them to have non-sexual or non-flirtatious relationships with others because they don't know any other way to interact. They confuse positive feelings of like or platonic love with sexual feelings. Those women tend to have few female friends who are not bisexual or lesbians.
     
    #11 petite, Jun 10, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2010
  12. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2010
    Messages:
    9,873
    Likes Received:
    11
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    NSW, Australia
    Petite, you forgot 'And some women have completely normal, middle-of the-road responses to sex'. It does happen sometimes.

    Other than that - good post.
     
  13. petite

    petite New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2010
    Messages:
    7,539
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    Yes! Absolutely!
     
  14. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2010
    Messages:
    9,873
    Likes Received:
    11
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    NSW, Australia

    LOL :smile: You obviously deserve it.
     
  15. dolfette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2006
    Messages:
    11,901
    Likes Received:
    25
    i think it's incredibly unfair to assume that.
    some people are very self aware and know exactly why they're acting out the way they are.





    oh yeah, i missed one. some victims, through misplaced guilt and as a form of self harm, become addicted to sex that makes them feel bad. somewhere in their minds they're no better than a hole to use, so they constantly put themselves through painful experiences.
     
  16. petite

    petite New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2010
    Messages:
    7,539
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    You're right. It is unfair to assume this. Nothing must be assumed.

    I meant to just mention it as a possibility, not something that should be assumed, just like I thought that I had covered that some women may react by being "normal" by saying that correlation is not causation and that her sex drive may not have been affected by the sexual abuse, but I was not clear there either.



    I am thinking of a few situations where this was the case, but I feel like it would be inappropriate to bring those stories up in this thread.
     
    #16 petite, Jun 10, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2010
  17. Animal_Alpha

    Animal_Alpha Active Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2010
    Messages:
    218
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    82
    Gender:
    Male
    My best girl friend (intended space there, no romance et cetera et cetera) suffered sexual assault in her childhood years on several occasions, admitted for me being a nymphomaniac, and launched a similar theory herself.

    Ofcourse, as submissivegirl is saying, it can probably be classified as a disorder rather than a simple "increase in sex drive".
     
  18. g_whiz

    g_whiz New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2009
    Messages:
    280
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Raleigh NC
    There are a few studies I've read that suggest that victims of sexual assault tend to react in one of a few ways when it comes to internalizing the experience (especially when it comes to pre-adolescence) of sexual assault/abuse. The tendency is to either become hypersexualized or asexual. Of course its possible not to be driven to these ends by the experience, but in my own experience a few of my friends (male) who admitted to being abused sexually as a child were completley sexually overt. To a point that sometimes even confused him. Whether we can attach this JUST to abuse is difficult to determine, but I think it might be a strong factor.
     
  19. petite

    petite New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2010
    Messages:
    7,539
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    More people have been molested or sexually assaulted or raped or molested than is generally assumed. I don't know any statistics on it, but from personal experience with talking with others and from the stories of others, it seems like most people fall between the two extremes.
     
  20. HiddenLacey

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2010
    Messages:
    5,470
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    248
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    somewhere

    You are correct! I'm not always good at expressing things so others understand what I am trying to say.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted