Sexual assault

[deleted957094]

my current girlfriend has been the victim of sexual assault twice. She's told me that much, and I'm curious, but legitimately can't hear much more. I don't take violence against women and children lightly, not to mention the year(s) long fallout. What do it do? She's a monster freak in bed but every once in a while I feel bad for fulfilling her current requests due to her past

 

[693987]

I would trust your significant other to say if something is bothering her. People process things differently. I know some survivors who still are processing it and trying to cope years later. Some like myself, are largely "fine". My sweetie knows what would trigger anxiety in me, and trusts me to say if something is a problem.

 

[TexanStar]

Almost every woman who I've known intimately was sexually assaulted at least once at some point in their life (if not more than once).

Please don't take that as downplaying it, only suggesting that it's so common an occurrence that treating her differently because of it would be a bit odd (because a LOT of the women you've known in your life have had this happen to them as well).

 

[deleted957094]

I would trust your significant other to say if something is bothering her. People process things differently. I know some survivors who still are processing it and trying to cope years later. Some like myself, are largely "fine". My sweetie knows what would trigger anxiety in me, and trusts me to say if something is a problem.

Thanks, we've talked and she's more hurt from the period of her life after. I don't want to know to many details due to my unhinged response to violence against women, but I want her to know that I'm here and I care. As a person it appears that she's moved well past the experiences.

Almost every woman who I've known intimately was sexually assaulted at least once at some point in their life (if not more than once).

Please don't take that as downplaying it, only suggesting that it's so common an occurrence that treating her differently because of it would be a bit odd (because a LOT of the women you've known in your life have had this happen to them as well).

Thank you, and yes-unfortunately I'm well aware of the frequency of said occurrences, and It literary keeps me up (see tonight). I don't treat her differently at all, despite the fact that our sex is unbelievably rough, her physical size, and "other" things she likes. My worry is that I want her to know I care that she's ok, and don't give a shit about the coward scum that would participate in an act like that.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

I am the survivor of close to 10 years of sexual assault/abuse that started before I entered school.
It's been 45 years since it started, and it impacts me today.

However, I spent about 25 years not dealing.

What I appreciate in a partner is someone who can hear my short form of the experience and get that it occasionally rears its ugly head. Without rhyme or reason.

What I do not appreciate is someone treating me like I'm made of porcelain because of it.

I suspect my behavior in bed is correlated. I fight to own my sexuality, to share with another. And I am a low level freak in the sheets.
I seek partners who can allow me the safe space to find pleasure in acts. Even if I fold up in tears.
I warn about dissociation, and sudden pulling away.
If he can be present through that, he's rewarded in infinite ways.

What to do? Be there. Allow her to heal in her own time no ways.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

*Allow her to heal in her own time and ways.

 

[EllieP]

Believe it or not, you, too, are a victim of sexual assault through her. Her victimization is now your victimization, and you need to work through the healing yourself since you are now attached to her. Obviously, this can be problematic since you have only experienced the assault vicariously, and she has a head start on healing. She can help you if you listen to her. Go with the flow in your lovemaking and intimacy, and not just during sexy times but all intimacy.

Her requests may be part of that healing. It means she trusts you. Go with it and trust her too.

 

[AlteredEgo]

As a person it appears that she's moved well past the experiences.

Then, forget it. If she needed something from you, I bet she would tell you.

I like all kinds of kinks that seem to me stem from past violence against me, not all of it sexual violence. Nonetheless, I like what I like. I'm not disturbed by my interests, and I almost never think about the connection to my experiences. I just enjoy what I can, and live my best life. If that old stuff comes up in conversation, I do not want it to change the way my dude treats me, fucks me, thinks about me, or anything. I don't need extra support. I just need him to give me what I want, as long as it doesn't create conflict for him.

Maybe she feels as I do.

 

[deleted957094]

Then, forget it. If she needed something from you, I bet she would tell you.

I like all kinds of kinks that seem to me stem from past violence against me, not all of it sexual violence. Nonetheless, I like what I like. I'm not disturbed by my interests, and I almost never think about the connection to my experiences. I just enjoy what I can, and live my best life. If that old stuff comes up in conversation, I do not want it to change the way my dude treats me, fucks me, thinks about me, or anything. I don't need extra support. I just need him to give me what I want, as long as it doesn't create conflict for him.

Maybe she feels as I do.

She woke up last night as this thread was ongoing and we finally talked about it for a minute and moved on. I never considered her past in how I treated her, but I needed her to know that I wasn't ignoring the subject and I was there if she needed or wanted to talk about it, and if not it's the past and we are going ahead. Thank you everyone-maybe the first time ever I've had a real issue out in the open and legitimate constructive help.

 

[AlteredEgo]

She woke up last night as this thread was ongoing and we finally talked about it for a minute and moved on. I never considered her past in how I treated her, but I needed her to know that I wasn't ignoring the subject and I was there if she needed or wanted to talk about it, and if not it's the past and we are going ahead. Thank you everyone-maybe the first time ever I've had a real issue out in the open and legitimate constructive help.

That's great! Thanks for the update.

 

[Nosuportneeded]

I had a partner who seemed to like to experience similar things in bed to the sexual trauma she had experienced. Our communication on the topic was less than ideal. I had some second guessing going on in my head about if it was helping or hurting. I asked her if that was what she wanted; to feel degraded and assaulted like the actual assault. She was slightly offended and cried a bit. Even if it is not related to trauma, degradation sex play can be a little weird.

I was thinking, wait didn't this shit actually happen to you? And now it helps you cum? Of course I never said that. Even if it's foreign to me, I'm down to play along. I just wanted to explore the subject with her a bit.

 

[950483]

People can have some of these very common kinks without it being anything to do with sexual assault or trauma. Just saying.

 

[950483]

@DoctorD if you do not feel comfortable doing some of the things she is asking of you, then it is up to you to be assertive and let her know this. If you don't want to do something, don't like how it makes you feel, or don't enjoy it, then just don't do it.
Do you feel conflicted because you like doing rough or degrading stuff?, or do you just not like doing it?

 

[286798]

OP- Thank you for being caring & thoughtful. Like EllieP said, It sounds like she's found the right guy.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

Almost every woman who I've known intimately was sexually assaulted at least once at some point in their life (if not more than once).

Please don't take that as downplaying it, only suggesting that it's so common an occurrence that treating her differently because of it would be a bit odd (because a LOT of the women you've known in your life have had this happen to them as well).

I'd add
And many won't talk about it, so you will never know.

 

[sizehungry]

Several of my partners , over the years , were victims of sexual assault . One in particular , took a savage beating from her then husband , in front of dinner guests , which included several males . None of them did a damn thing to help her . Black eyes , eye socket fractures , four lost teeth , broken jaw , two fractured ribs , and severe bruising all over her body , from repeated kicking while she was on the floor . Two weeks in hospital , and months of recuperation , healed the physical injuries , but the mental scars took much , much longer , and probably continue at some level , today . She was a woman of great beauty , in a Whole woman sense . An upright person in every regard , placid by nature , kind , and imbued with a remarkable generosity of spirit . It's fair to say that i adored her , but , as i have posted elsewhere , at time in my life , i was in full on self destruct mode , and she wasn't in the market for that . I wish , with every shred of my being , that i had been there to help her ( he disappeared and i could not find him ), and to take this low life piece of shit out , but then she would have had to talk to me through bars . Unfortunately , there is a very dark place in my character that is not attractive at all , but that is reserved for vermin like him , and any other piece of human garbage that gets off on hurting people . Scum of the earth , nuff said !