Sexual experience - good or bad?

petite

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It definitely is lose-lose in an environment where its acceptable for men (tbf, women too) to be emotionally and sexually abusive in relationships. Blame is pointless, either for the guy or the girl, since abuse often occurs due to the lack of emotional self-awareness on the part of the abuser or both.

I don't think you've shared what made you feel that things wouldn't get better, but there are a lot of women in increasingly violent relationships that do harbor the false belief that the abuse is their fault and that there is something they can do to make it better - or they internalize being abused as something they are doing wrong and find themselves in poor relationship after poor relationship. It's that step of self-awareness that they are lacking - that they are not responsible for someone else's feelings and that each person is responsible for their own emotions.

I have a good male role model in my life, and I never thought his problems were my fault. He tried to blame me for his feelings of insecurity, which made me resent him because I totally adored him before he started chipping away at that by the way he was treating me. That tactic totally backfired, but he never stopped trying it. Part of the reason why I stayed other than because I loved him was because I was so understanding about why he had issues and what those issues were and how they made him feel, etc. I think that what also got me was emotional blackmailing, especially in regards to something that happened that was also not my fault but caused chaos in his life, which I can't describe here.

I don't think it's more acceptable for a man or a woman to be abusive, and maybe it's also a lose-lose situation for men, too, if their relationships don't work out or if they decide to leave. I'm not sure. Maybe it's the same. I just find it interesting how hard people came down on me for not encouraging her to stay with him and help him work through his issues when I feel like I was so heavily criticized for making a similar decision. It strikes me as a catch-22. I have no idea if that's a gendered catch-22 or if it's the same for everyone.

I thought I explained my thoughts quite well in that thread, but I guess not.
 
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sbat

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I have a good male role model in my life, and I never thought his problems were my fault. He tried to blame me for his feelings of insecurity, which made me resent him because I totally adored him before he started chipping away at that by the way he was treating me. That tactic totally backfired, but he never stopped trying it. Part of the reason why I stayed was because I was so understanding about why he had issues and what those issues were and how they made him feel, etc. I think that what got me was emotional blackmailing, especially in regards to something that happened that was also not my fault but caused chaos in his life, which I can't describe here.

I don't think it's more acceptable for a man or a woman to be abusive, and maybe it's also a lose-lose situation for men, too, if their relationships don't work out or if they decide to leave. I'm not sure. Maybe it's the same. I just find it interesting how hard people came down on me for not encouraging her to stay with him and help him work through his issues when I feel like I was so heavily criticized for making a similar decision. It strikes me as a catch-22. I have no idea if that's a gendered catch-22 or if it's the same for everyone.

I thought I explained my thoughts quite well in that thread, but I guess not.

I think only a few came down on you. I recall some being in agreement with you. And you know there are lots who look forward to your continued contributions, agree or disagree with your position.
 

petite

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I think only a few came down on you. I recall some being in agreement with you. And you know there are lots who look forward to your continued contributions, agree or disagree with your position.

Well thanks, but I don't think I'm just perceiving it. I bet in six months if she came back and made a new thread independent of the other one with no reference to it that described how badly things turned out after staying with him despite all the warning signs, she'd be called out as having made dumb decisions and guys would be giving her crap about how women like being treated badly because they stay with guys who don't treat them well even though they should probably heed the warning signs that they ought to leave, and that women are always thinking that they can change men or fix them, which would be ironic because I think the majority encouraged her to stay with the hopeful thought that he would change if she was patient and supportive of his emotions. Of course, it's because it's easy to say that someone should have left after it's apparent that things don't work out, but when shown the crossroads people can see the possibility that things could work out.
 
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I would rather my partners have -some- experience. That way they have a better idea of what they like/what they want. Plus, all my experiences with male virgins has been rather lack-luster. The female virgins have been a bit.. better.
 

D_bxc4z

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I think sexual experience can be good and bad although i think that it should be limited to people who truly mean something to you. i dont personally care for random escapades. i also think that being really good at a blow job is not really what i want to be remembered for so it depends on how you are perceiving what is beneficial and what is detrimental to sexual experience. just my personal thought.
 

Drifterwood

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experience with other people is irrelevant.
he still won't know how i tick until he's been with me.

I would rather my partners have -some- experience. That way they have a better idea of what they like/what they want.

Fade has an excellent point. It isn't just about them getting to know you. You may have to accept that they have the self experience to realise that you are not for them. Isn't that ultimately preferable?
 

Blackle

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I learned how to fuck from porn. Which was a definite mistake. I was good at it from the beginning and the girl I fucked was a complete slut, thats not how most girls like it. I Do however recommend that you look at porn. I found it educational even more after realizing it wasn't a good first step.
 

1958ST

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On the job experience is one of the best way to learn. But that being said, experience is only useful if you consider and evaluate what you experienced in order to constructively hone knowledge and skills. Sexual experience for the sake of sexual experience will not do that. By that I mean, a person with let's say five encounters or even one may actually have more experience than the one with 50 encounters depending on how they evaluate it.

In addition everyone at some point has to decide whether they are a generalist or a specialist, both of which are useful. The generalist, let's say, knows a little about many things, whereas the specialist knows a great deal about one thing. Since people are the same yet different, part of a single diverse group, that means translating general evaluation into a specialist's knowledge of that significant other to build a lasting relationship.

This is nowhere more true than in sex. What arouses, sustains, and enflames one person physically and emotionally may not be the same as the next. So the experience of the 49 may work against what is needed for the 50th without evaluation. That experience can become like calling your girlfriend Rose the name of your previous girlfriends instead of her name Mary Ann.

So this long ramble is to say experience is not just in the number of encounters.
 

D_Dick_S_Lapp

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But how do you know?

Most kids who make a supposed lifelong committment in their early twenties are divorced before they hit thirty.

Ya can never really know. Which is why relationships are so difficult i'm guessing. You can and most times have to lay your heart on the line. Sure, there are signs here and there that might give you a clue but most times you'd either have to take the persons word on how they feel until shit hits the fan or filter through your own wants and needs while taking that chance...until well shit hits the fan/blossoms. (kind of a know when to hold'm, know when to fold'm and know when to walk away sort of thing)

The only concrete thing i can think of when it comes to sexual experience is sexual tricks. A person whose had a lot of partners could have the chance to show you a few things. Even that though isn't so concrete as a person willing to learn about new things and has a penchant for experimentation also could have a few tricks up their sleeve so it really only comes down to how two people interact with each other.

When it comes to people in their early twenties the only thing i can guess on is that as bad as it sounds love can and sometimes does have a time limit. A do not pass go moment. I know people will say that if it fails then it really wasn't true love but love seems to be about as varied as we are as humans.

So blabbidty blah blah. People's emotional, sexual and whateveral stuff changes. Either over time or when something or someone else is added to the mix. Adjusting for inflation that is. So ya never really know until you know. And even then you may be wrong.
 

blazblue

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Even though experience is good, I don't think it'll matter much because everyone is different and would require someone to start back from square one since that person is with a new partner. And even with experience, if there isn't any chemistry there, then sex would probably still be bad anyway.
 

dolfette

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Fade has an excellent point. It isn't just about them getting to know you. You may have to accept that they have the self experience to realise that you are not for them. Isn't that ultimately preferable?
nope, i don't agree.
my personal experience is that some of the best sex i had was with a virgin. that guy most certainly knew what he wanted and, once he'd taken that leap, he was perfectly confident about getting it.
self awareness isn't the preserve of the experienced.
 

Drifterwood

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nope, i don't agree.
my personal experience is that some of the best sex i had was with a virgin. that guy most certainly knew what he wanted and, once he'd taken that leap, he was perfectly confident about getting it.
self awareness isn't the preserve of the experienced.

Does that make good sex, someone taking what they want?
 

dolfette

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Does that make good sex, someone taking what they want?
for my weird kinks, yes, to a degree.

what he wanted to take was some giving, so i guess it would have appealed from that angle. but i only dig giving in the spirit of taking.

i'm a fucked up little bunny.
 

CaptainTrips

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what he wanted to take was some giving, so i guess it would have appealed from that angle. but i only dig giving in the spirit of taking.

i'm a fucked up little bunny.

That makes a lot of sense. You both knew what you desired and what you we willing to do with each other in order to get it. Sounds like you were both were highly compatible on the terms and outcome of that particular exchange.