So I wasn't going to share until someone made me re-think.
I'm up for taking any bashing I'm due, if there is a slightest chance that this may end up helping someone, anyone. So bring it on.
My advice to anyone finding themselves in the situation, as BlueBiker has described, where they are about to give up....
Don't give up.
And if you do, get out. Cos, in my experience, it's only going to get much worse.
On reflection I realise now that my husband and I had didn't have a whole lot of sexual chemistry. I was young and naive, he was older. I felt I was a bit too like a young puppy with him - over eager. He was never the one to initiate sex. He didn't take long about it and never really seemed to overly enjoy it that much. I was/am terribly inexperienced and didn't know what else to expect. Just thought I was bad at sex.
A few years into the marriage he lost his job and couldn't even get an erection. I was really sympathetic and tried to help or get him to get help but he was happy with his situation, it seemed. (I realise now he just has no libido whatsoever, but at the time I took a lot of the blame onto my own shoulders as my own failure).
So 15 years ago I weighed up my choices.
I have the perfect man, whereby if you had 4 sheets of paper with lists and lists of what makes my perfect partner he checked all the boxes except the sex box. That can't be bad, heh?!?! I thought it was churlish of me to leave just because of no sex, So I stayed.
I 'gave up' on trying to have sex with a man who didn't want it and I stayed.
15 years on, I weep for the lack of sex, love and intimacy in my life. If I were to look at the 4 sheets of paper, not even half the boxes are checked.
He's gone from being my best friend to my room-mate.
With no sex and intimacy came the slow erosion of affection and communication, until now, 15 years later, we're almost strangers.
He still wants to be with me. I know he loves me in his own way. But I need more. I feel sometimes that is selfish of me still, to throw a 20 year marriage away just cos the man is not interested in sex, but in truth, I've spent the last 15 years blaming myself for not being sexy, not being able to turn him on. And he let me think that.
He doesn't like anything sexual. Hated me touching his balls, his nipples, even his cock.
I was super slim back then.
He not only broke what little confidence I had as a sexual woman, he broke what little confidence I had as someone who deserved to be loved.
He didn't do it deliberately. That's just the way he was made.
I don't hold that against him, but neither can I pretend it didn't happen.
He's a lovely guy. He wouldn't deliberately set out to hurt me. But 15 years on, I do feel a bit hurt. I'm broken and I want to fix myself.
I need love and passion and intimacy in my life and I cannot pretend for another day that I don't.
I don't feel rage about it. Just feel sad.
I made an error of judgement, probably several.
I wish I'd been more mature back then to do it differently but I have no regrets either.
If I had done anything differently I wouldn't be here today doing what I am doing and experiencing what I'm experiencing and I know I shall learn much from that.
But I'd like to let others know, who are in a similar position...
Don't give up.
And if you do; get out. Cos it's only going to get much worse.
If you give up, the boxes on your sheets of paper will gradually become unchecked.
Don't do that to either of you. If you can't make it happen, leave. And give both of yourselves the chance to find it elsewhere....
But really, just don't give up!
Talk to your partner, share my story with him/her if you need to.... make him/her realise what can happen if you both just stop trying. It's not just sex, it's your lives together, it's the love you feel for one another.
15 years ago I gave up.
I haven't been kissed since
I haven't been held, naked, by a man.
I haven't had sex.
My husband and I have fallen out of love and are just good mates!
We only get one chance at this life... don't fuck it up like we have! :redface:
