Sexual Intercourse Etiquette and Decency

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Principessa, Feb 7, 2009.

  1. Principessa

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    Sexual Intercourse Etiquette and Decency

    1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
    Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay (BUT BY NO MEANS THE ONLY ONE!).

    2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
    Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. Knock it off!

    3) NOT SHAVING.
    You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's pain damn it!

    4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
    Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and sooth them.

    5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
    Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy is not.

    6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
    Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

    7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
    A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention!

    8 GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
    Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

    9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
    Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

    10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
    Direct pressure is very unpleasant, .... And remember .. It is not the on button for you to hit repeatedly! So, gently rotate your fingers along side of it.

    11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
    Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

    12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
    Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

    13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
    Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

    14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
    Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen bank notes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

    15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
    You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
     
  2. Principessa

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    Sexual Intercourse Etiquette and Decency - II

    16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
    Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons. There is no turn off like the one where you are passionately kissing and in 2 seconds you have whipped it out or worse yet, have completely stripped.

    17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
    A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks fist.

    18 GOING TOO FAST.
    When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Slow is the key! In the beginning build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular movements.

    19) GOING TOO HARD.
    If you bash your great triangular hipbones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

    20) COMING TOO SOON.
    Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

    21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
    It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man. :biggrin1:

    22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
    You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask

    23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
    In the beginning this is cool. Very seductive, but don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

    24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
    Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours first; try talking seductively to her, and if all else fails reciprocation is the key!

    25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
    Sperm tastes like seawater mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you cum so she can do what's necessary.

    26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
    Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

    27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
    In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate all over them. In real life, it is disgusting and a sure-fire way to put an end to your oral fantasies! :confused:

    28 MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
    Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently around the torso area, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest. :cool:

    29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
    This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first or test the waters with your finger. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

    30) TAKING PICTURES.
    When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

    31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
    Imagination is anything from pouring honey on her and licking it off to Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

    32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
    There is no less erotic sound. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

    33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
    If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

    34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
    Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because THEY HAVE A PROSTATE! Women don't. (I kinda like anal stimulation :redface:)

    35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
    It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.... and it looks pretty silly when its summer.

    36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
    Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

    37) TALKING DIRTY.
    It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

    38 NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
    You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

    39) SQUASHING HER.
    Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

    40) THANKING HER.
    Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen
     
  3. CALAMBO

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    NG....all good points to remember....refresher course in making love...
     
  4. Drifterwood

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    Drop them, bend over and hold on tight.
     
  5. ManlyBanisters

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    I hate lists like this. Hate them, hate them, hate them.

    People are different - Just one example, if I'm wet enough, and I usually am, I like fast thrusting to start out. I know you didn't write it, NJ, but these lists are just dumb.

    Reads above post.

    Thank you K!! I can't be arse counting which ones don't work for me - but it is roughly the same number.
     
  6. sargon20

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    There will be a short quiz after the thread is over. So take notes :smile:
     
  7. MickeyLee

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    i only agree with like four things on that list. *grumble* of the four i see wiggle room on two of 'em.

    a bit more awake and a touch less cranky. i really don't understand the need to turn every sexual encounter into a scripted bit o bumping harvested from the pages of some grocery store romance novel. i get a bit twicked and grumbling when all the passion is drained out of anything. some of the rules make me question where basic manners went. the rest seem to have been set down in stone by people completely disconnected from their own sexuality. rude is rude. boring is boring. high impact and bruising is sometimes *okay most of the time* incredibly hot.

    this one.. really.... just.. why???? ya know how long it took me to break my bf of this habit? the not moving around bit. i seriously thought i was doing something very wrong.
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    26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
    Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

    biggest point of "what the frell?!?!?" sole decenter i may be, but i like when the boy gets a lil hump happy and grabby. not talking 'thrust with the intent of causing paralysis at the second cervical vertebrae' just let me know ya are enjoying yaself.
     
    #7 MickeyLee, Feb 7, 2009
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2009
  8. Trouty

    Trouty New Member

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    Definitely a guide aimed at us poor (without a clue) guys :rolleyes:. Some useful pointers in there for the complete novice though. Strange that the most vocal dissentors on here are other females :confused:
     
  9. D_Maureen Biologist

    D_Maureen Biologist Account Disabled

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    I wouldn't call these "rules" - perhaps "guidelines or ideas for good (or better) sex."

    Not every woman would have these specific requests.

    One in particular: 23: Sucking the clit was not addressed here and there is a phrase:

    "Licking Sucks, but Sucking Rules"... I'd say that should be listed right after #23.

    #6 and #10 are right on - bleeding nipples are nipples that take 10 DAYS to recover - think of it like this - gentlemen - would you want a vice-grip used on your nads???? GENTLE caresses - she will let you know when they need squeezing and you may be in for a treat....I take a mans hand - put it on breast and I press his hand until it is the right pressure - surprising how quickly he catches on and it makes things soooo much better for me.

    And imagine the clit as a tiny penis - with ALL the feelings you guys have in your big members reduced down to about half an INCH... VERY SENSITIVE area of a ladies body...AS are the surrounding lips - GENTLE is the KEY word here.. and it is NOT self-lubricating - wise men keep it lubricated with saliva and NEVER let it get dry.

    As for hands on ladies head during BJ's - I just put his hands on my head - because I WANT to KNOW what HE WANTS - so it can be good and I can learn...so I disagree on that point.

    Otherwise it is all good food for thought.
     
  10. D_Jared Padalicki

    D_Jared Padalicki Account Disabled

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    Not shaving is hard, I have a little beard and I like it...
     
  11. Steve26

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    I'd want no part of anyone who'd generate such a list. I have to imagine that having sex with such an impossible-to-please person would be like walking on eggshells ... definitely NOT fun. Does she keep a ruler by the bed for wrist-slapping at the slightest little infraction? Geez.

    Steve
     
  12. B_New End

    B_New End New Member

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    me too. Stupid lists made by peopel that think they know the only way to have sex. TOo many to disagree with, but... yeah. Dumb lists.
     
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