Sexuality Question

[Slamdunk_dude]

Hey Guys,
Sorry that I always seem to come here with questions, well I guess that's what the board is for! Anyway I just wondered what you think is more important in defining (or at least understanding) your sexuality:

Fantasy
or actual sexual experience

Let me explain: I have noticed something about myself which makes my whole sexuality question even more complex. When I think about sex about 80% of the time I fantasize about guys or situations with guys and girls. Yet when it comes to actually having the opportunity to have sexual contact with a guy i seem to get turned off. All my sexual experience had been with girls and has been amazing, if I had the chance to have sex with a guy or a girl right now, in my head I would think "guy" but when confronted with the reality I would pick a girl. The thing is I don't think its out of fear and I've had plenty of opportunities to fool around with guys, its just THE REALITY of girls is so much more attractive to me.
God, That sounds ridiculous, does anyone understand?
Thanks

Slamdunk_Dude

 

[Dr Rock]

while my male:female "conquest" ratio probably is actually close to 50:50, I personally believe that sexuality - or at least sexual preference - is ultimately about feelings rather than actions.

 

[Slamdunk_dude]

Thanks, its good to hear another perspective. It's so confusing for me right now, the reality of guys just doesnt do it for me but the fantasy of girls doesnt either...wierd.

 

[Matthew]

Originally posted by Slamdunk_dude@Oct 14 2005, 12:20 PM
All my sexual experience had been with girls and has been amazing, if I had the chance to have sex with a guy or a girl right now, in my head I would think "guy" but when confronted with the reality I would pick a girl. The thing is I don't think its out of fear and I've had plenty of opportunities to fool around with guys, its just THE REALITY of girls is so much more attractive to me.

[post=351764]Quoted post[/post]​

Have you had sex with a guy?

 

[B_Hung Muscle]

Could it be that social -- or societal -- stigma about actually having sex with a guy is keeping you from living out your fantasy?

 

[Alley Blue]

Originally posted by Slamdunk_dude@Oct 14 2005, 07:31 PM
Thanks, its good to hear another perspective. It's so confusing for me right now, the reality of guys just doesnt do it for me but the fantasy of girls doesnt either...wierd.

[post=351777]Quoted post[/post]​

What do men have that women don't have that interests you to point of fantasizing about them? In other words what would you really like to do with a guy.....in the fantasy that is.

 

[SomeGuyOverThere]

Thats interesting, but not too supriseing.

Not from my point of view anyhow - I like to think and fantasise, but given the opertunity to have sex with a guy or girl right now, I would probably turn them both down.

Something that does bug me - I feel the need to have a relationship and have sex, but at the same time, when faced with the reality of it, I'm not that interested.

Example: I'm a virgin and I knew a girl who really liked me, and wanted to go out with me and new I was a virgin and wanted to well... de-flower me. However, I didn't ask her out.

She thinks it is because I don't like her back - on the contrary, it's just that while wanting to have a relationship, I don't want to have one at the same time, I don't like the actual physical reality of being physically conjoined with somebody else for pleasure.

Yet, I have to masturbate, or I'd go mad with sexual desires.

I think it's the difference between lust, which is a physical motive, and mental interest/love, which is personal and based on reasoned thought.

If my mind was in line with my lusts, I would have gone out with that girl, and given the choice of sex with a guy or girl I'd yell "BOTH!" but my mental needs and preference conflict with my physical ones - so the net result is a bit of confusion and overall sexual inactivity.

The confusion is - do I actually want this or not? Physically, yes, mentally no. So the answer is a grey area, and every time i think I've made up my mind one way or another, the other side turns around and bites me in the ass.

 

[Slamdunk_dude]

Hey,
No I have never had any kind of sexual contact with a guy, I have had plenty of chance to and in situations that were pretty much like my fantasies, but I just didn't wanna. I don't know if it is social stigma that is stopping me, thats what I want to find out, I'm not saying I never want to have any kind of experience with a guy just that there seems to be a huge gap between what I fantasize about and what I actually want to do when faced with it.
Alley Blue, in my fantasies I am pretty submissive, I also like watching 2 guys have sex, it just seems like there is more sexual energy than a guy and a girl.

Maybe this will help me explain better, I might fantasize about a really masculine, muscular guy who is dominating but in the reality of daily life the guys I find more attractive are kind of pretty and feminine. I don't know...

Maybe I have to try and have an experience with a guy to find out, I'm not against it at all it just never seems so appealing in real life.

Sorry to sound wierd.

 

[Alley Blue]

I think it all boils down to having that "ideal situation" in which everything is perfect ( the perfect person, mood, sexual tension, the surroundings, etc.....) that you "go with the moment" and your swept away by it all. In the same way the fantasy plays out in your head.
Sad enough, its hard for fantasies to play out well in real life.

 

[Alley Blue]

Originally posted by Slamdunk_dude@Oct 14 2005, 07:50 PM
Alley Blue, in my fantasies I am pretty submissive, I also like watching 2 guys have sex, it just seems like there is more sexual energy than a guy and a girl.

[post=351786]Quoted post[/post]​

I'll agree with that. Some of the most intense passionate porn I've seen in my life were with 2 guys. You don't see guys having screaming orgasms to the point of tears in straight porn.......

 

[Matthew]

Here's a few ideas.

Don't have sex with a woman or a man until you decide it's time. You might never feel 100% ready, but pushing yourself is probably not helpful.

Since it sounds like it will be your first time, I don't think it's surprising that you have conflicting feelings about going for it. Society attaches a whole lot of unnecessary weight to a first time, above and beyond your natural nervousness.

If you haven't been with a man or a woman, you don't know what the "reality," as you put it, of each is like. That, however, is not a reason to pick either one or the other. Society obviously puts huge pressure on us to pick an opposite-sex over a same-sex one. That is also not a reason to pick either one or the other. You are also allowed option C, which is to have male and female partners at various times in your life.

'Love' and 'lust' as you put it can be mutually exclusive but they can also co-exist. A lot of people look for a situation where they do co-exist. Others don't feel that's necessary. I'm not sure that either is based on "reasoned thought." Especially when we feel alienated, it's easy to get real cerebral and distance ourselves from our emotions, and sometimes our physical desires too. But your head can lie to you more easily than your heart (or your dick).

If you want to do something sweet, tell that girl that it wasn't her -- that you just weren't ready. Since you said she knows you're a virgin, maybe she'll understand that. And if you do like her, of course it's always A-OK to date for some time before deciding to have sex. For some of us, it's an easier decision to make when we feel more comfortable/safe with the other person.

And finally, if you feel like experimenting, you can do some fooling around and still keep your virginity. It's not just a question of jump off the ledge or not. Good luck and don't stress too much. Issues like this get solved over time, not just by thinking about them really hard.

PS Yes, Morgan Webb is gross.

Originally posted by SomeGuyOverThere@Oct 14 2005, 12:41 PM
Thats interesting, but not too supriseing.

Not from my point of view anyhow - I like to think and fantasise, but given the opertunity to have sex with a guy or girl right now, I would probably turn them both down.

Something that does bug me - I feel the need to have a relationship and have sex, but at the same time, when faced with the reality of it, I'm not that interested.

Example: I'm a virgin and I knew a girl who really liked me, and wanted to go out with me and new I was a virgin and wanted to well... de-flower me. However, I didn't ask her out.

She thinks it is because I don't like her back - on the contrary, it's just that while wanting to have a relationship, I don't want to have one at the same time, I don't like the actual physical reality of being physically conjoined with somebody else for pleasure.

Yet, I have to masturbate, or I'd go mad with sexual desires.

I think it's the difference between lust, which is a physical motive, and mental interest/love, which is personal and based on reasoned thought.

If my mind was in line with my lusts, I would have gone out with that girl, and given the choice of sex with a guy or girl I'd yell "BOTH!" but my mental needs and preference conflict with my physical ones - so the net result is a bit of confusion and overall sexual inactivity.

The confusion is - do I actually want this or not? Physically, yes, mentally no. So the answer is a grey area, and every time i think I've made up my mind one way or another, the other side turns around and bites me in the ass.

[post=351784]Quoted post[/post]​

 

[invisibleman]

Originally posted by Alley Blue+Oct 14 2005, 03:38 PM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Alley Blue &#064; Oct 14 2005, 03:38 PM)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-Slamdunk_dude@Oct 14 2005, 07:31 PM
Thanks, its good to hear another perspective. It&#39;s so confusing for me right now, the reality of guys just doesnt do it for me but the fantasy of girls doesnt either...wierd.

[post=351777]Quoted post[/post]​

What do men have that women don&#39;t have that interests you to point of fantasizing about them? In other words what would you really like to do with a guy.....in the fantasy that is.

[post=351782]Quoted post[/post]​

[/b][/quote]
I&#39;m different. So, here goes: When I fantasize about guys, I fantasize mostly about certain things about a guy I find attractive. Notice I didn&#39;t say things about roleplaying or masculine/feminine gender roles. I like shorter guys ( 5&#39;8"--5&#39;11" tall). Hairy chests. Nice cock and big balls (this is LPSG), Nice defined legs with big calves. Dark haired type (Short to shoulder-length hair) I like blond hair as well. Nice large manly hands.
Very versatile in bed (top and bottom). Cleft chins and maybe beard stubble. I can live with a guy&#39;s tattoos or not. A guy that isn&#39;t so uptight, easy going. Likes sex a lot. Nice firm or rounded butt. Turnoffs are men who are extreme with the masculine gender role. There has to be a balance. Uptightness is a turn off. Long hair is a turnoff. Sense of humor is always sexy. Being open minded is sexy also. Non smoking is a plus plus plus.

 

[DenBoy]

Don&#39;t take this as recommendation to do anything before you are ready, but I don&#39;t think you will ever be sure of your interest in guys until you have sex with one. After that happens see where your fantasies go my fantasies about guys actually decreased afterwards.

I had my 1st sex with a guy 7.5 years later than with a girl it took that long for my curiosity to overcome the cultural conditioning. My fantasies are probably about equal overtime, but they can swing wildly for one team or the other. Is the 80% figure a recent change or is that somewhere near where it has always been. Good luck figuring out what you really want, it&#39;s not going to be easy

On a side note what about waking fantasies versus sex dreams. I&#39;m not sure what the correlations would be but I&#39;m curious because I don&#39;t remember ever having a sex dream about guys, all of my guy fantasies occur while I am awake.

 

[Alley Blue]

Originally posted by DenBoy@Oct 14 2005, 11:43 PM
After that happens see where your fantasies go my fantasies about guys actually decreased afterwards.

I had my 1st sex with a guy 7.5 years later than with a girl

[post=351847]Quoted post[/post]​

Interesting&#33;
Was the experiance a let down? Did you top or bottom?

 

[twodogs]

Fantasy is just that, fantasy. The reality of fantasy is that fantasy is not reality. Sexual fantasy,IMHO, is one of the surest ways to be let down or confuse yourself. I once had very in depth fantasies concerning a woman I knew. Nothing really bizzarre but about how hot she would be in bed, how intense the sex would be and that sort of thing. When we eventually got to brass tacks it was mediocre sex at best. I attribute this to the fact I had this woman built up in my mind to be some sex goddess. She wasn&#39;t and it wasn&#39;t that she was a bad lover, I just let my fantasies get out of control.

 

[Slamdunk_dude]

DenBoy,
That is really interesting that you say about waking fantasies versus sex dreams. Most of my sex dreams are about girls wheras my waking fantasies are about guys (like you) I wonder why that is? I would say that I have always fantasised about guys more though (when I&#39;m awake lol)
Hmmm...It&#39;s so tough, also because I feel like I want to express to my friends how I&#39;m feeling but don&#39;t have it sorted out myself (I have already told 2 friends that I am attracted to both sexes and they were cool with it) Maybe thats what I should tell people for now until I figure stuff out. My biggest worry though is that if i ever decided I was gay that people would think I was lying about being attracted to both sexes, I&#39;m a very open and honest person and it would crush me if my family and friends thought I had decieved them.
I was thinking earlier, I think a large portion of the problem is that from a young age it is automatically assumed that you are heterosexual, rather than having people talk to you and ask you about your feelings to both sexes. That way it is so much harder to tell people that you like both sexes or just the same sex as people have this image built up of you in their mind, but a lot of the image was created by them, not you.

Does that even make sense?

 

[Alley Blue]

Originally posted by Slamdunk_dude@Oct 15 2005, 01:46 AM
Does that even make sense?

[post=351877]Quoted post[/post]​

It makes total sense&#33;
Have you ever thought that maybe all these things are simply fantasies going through your mind, and never really meant to be acted on?

 

[Slamdunk_dude]

Hey Alley Blue,
I just don&#39;t know, maybe they are just fantasies, but in that case why do I fantasize about the same sex and rarely to never about the opposite sex? I think its hard coming to terms with the fact that there is a wide spectrum of sexuality and you may not fit comfortably into any of the categories. My main concern at the moment is that i want to tell my friends and family what I&#39;m feeling, but i don&#39;t really know myself.

Have any ideas of what I could say to them? They are just going to ask me more questions whatever I say...

 

[Love-it]

I try not to let reality intrude on fantasies or fantasies intrude on reality.

 

[GoneA]

Originally posted by Love&#045;it@Oct 15 2005, 07:25 AM
I try not to let reality intrude on fantasies or fantasies intrude on reality.

[post=351934]Quoted post[/post]​

"Amen" GoneA shouted as he agreed very strongly with Love-it.
If people followed your theory Love-it there&#39;d be alot less crazy people in the world.