Sexuality Question

invisibleman

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Originally posted by Slamdunk_dude@Oct 14 2005, 09:46 PM
DenBoy,
That is really interesting that you say about waking fantasies versus sex dreams. Most of my sex dreams are about girls wheras my waking fantasies are about guys (like you) I wonder why that is? I would say that I have always fantasised about guys more though (when I'm awake lol)
Hmmm...It's so tough, also because I feel like I want to express to my friends how I'm feeling but don't have it sorted out myself (I have already told 2 friends that I am attracted to both sexes and they were cool with it) Maybe thats what I should tell people for now until I figure stuff out. My biggest worry though is that if i ever decided I was gay that people would think I was lying about being attracted to both sexes, I'm a very open and honest person and it would crush me if my family and friends thought I had decieved them.
I was thinking earlier, I think a large portion of the problem is that from a young age it is automatically assumed that you are heterosexual, rather than having people talk to you and ask you about your feelings to both sexes. That way it is so much harder to tell people that you like both sexes or just the same sex as people have this image built up of you in their mind, but a lot of the image was created by them, not you.

Does that even make sense?
[post=351877]Quoted post[/post]​
Well I think that you shouldn't come out and say anything definitive. Be with some women. Be with some guys. Get in tuned with yourself and not by anyone else. I always knew who I was when I was kid. There was a lot of pressure to be with women but I never succumbed to that. I have to live with myself. They don't. If you ever decide or you find you really like both genders. I guess you have it made because you have finally figured out that you're just a sexual person just like any one else (even though, some choose to deny that they actually have a sexual side). Don't ever let some f--ked up individuals make your sexual decisions for you. Don't let them influence you at all. You have your own way to walk in this life and life is very short. Be honest in how you feel. Because people feel different than you do doesn't mean how you feel is invalid. Everybody is different.
Invisibleman. :beer: :yourock:
 

steve319

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Originally posted by Matthew@Oct 14 2005, 04:08 PM
Don't have sex with a woman or a man until you decide it's time. You might never feel 100% ready, but pushing yourself is probably not helpful.
Good point. Pressuring yourself to do something is a great way to end up feeling that the choices you made were hasty. I'm guessing (perhaps incorrectly), slam, that you're a youngish guy with lots of time and experience ahead of him. Maybe it's good to realize that you may need to relax and let this thing develop naturally.

Actually, I think Matthew hit a number of great notes here (as usual).

You are also allowed option C, which is to have male and female partners at various times in your life.
I know that I'm still (at my advanced age ;) ) surprising myself in regard to what I do/don't want to do and the kinds of stimulus that work for me at any one time. It's all so much more fluid and changeable for some of us than we are taught to believe. Maybe that's another argument for taking things slowly.

My first instinct when I read your dilemma is to think that societal prohibitions are getting in the way of your personal development, either through fear of being rejected for acknowledging a degree of same-sex attraction or even, and this might sound bizarre, a desire to explore the male/male thing as a way of telling society to fuck off, so to speak. I've felt both of those myself, and that's probably why my suspicions about your situation lean that way. (But that's just me projecting.)

And this is probably my favorite one:

And finally, if you feel like experimenting, you can do some fooling around and still keep your virginity. It's not just a question of jump off the ledge or not.
Sexuality is a process of exploring our boundaries and capabilities. Being willing to experiment (in a safe way) to find exactly what works for you is a natural part of becoming the whole person we're meant to be, whether we're talking about sexual practices, career paths, or food preferences. A good friend of mine here at LPSG recently told me "you'll never know till you try," and I tend to believe that.

And when I say in a safe way, I mean in both terms of physical/health safety and emotional/mental safety. Don't pressure yourself (or let anyone else pressure you) into doing things that seem truly uncomfortable for you. Your life is truly yours to determine and you're the one who has to live with the consequences of your choices, man.

Having said that, though, there's one more point of Matthew's that needs re-emphasis, I think.

Especially when we feel alienated, it's easy to get real cerebral and distance ourselves from our emotions, and sometimes our physical desires too. But your head can lie to you more easily than your heart (or your dick).
That really hit home for me, I have to admit. We can certainly overthink this stuff too and in the process immobilize ourselves from development and growth. A fine line (and one I've had a hard time with).

Sounds like these fantasies are a source of enjoyment for you. If, when faced with the physical reality of a similar situation, you are turned off, then maybe this is just meant to be a fantasy for you--a unique element of your sexual terrain that never goes the physical route. And that's fine.

If you suspect that the reasons you're being turned off in those situations is because you're afraid of the repercussions (emotional, social, physical), then that's a different concern (but might also be fine as long as you don't let it develop into a lifelong pattern of denying your perhaps-natural needs).

Whatever the reality may be, the only one who can make that determination is you (of course), but we're all here to help you excavate the site, slam. :pals:

Hang in there.
 

Alley Blue

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Originally posted by Slamdunk_dude@Oct 15 2005, 02:50 AM
Hey Alley Blue,
My main concern at the moment is that i want to tell my friends and family what I'm feeling, but i don't really know myself.
[post=351887]Quoted post[/post]​

This right here tells me that maybe its not a good idea to tell anyone (except maybe a close friend) anything until you have all your feelings sorted out. Trying to explain something that you yourself do not understand is nearly impossible and will only leave everyone confused.
After meditating on it, I'm sure you'll sort your feelings out eventually.
 

DenBoy

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Originally posted by Alley Blue+Oct 15 2005, 10:09 AM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Alley Blue &#064; Oct 15 2005, 10:09 AM)</div><div class='quotemain'>
Originally posted by Slamdunk_dude@Oct 15 2005, 02:50 AM
Hey Alley Blue,
My main concern at the moment is that i want to tell my friends and family what I&#39;m feeling, but i don&#39;t really know myself.
[post=351887]Quoted post[/post]​

This right here tells me that maybe its not a good idea to tell anyone (except maybe a close friend) anything until you have all your feelings sorted out. Trying to explain something that you yourself do not understand is nearly impossible and will only leave everyone confused.
After meditating on it, I&#39;m sure you&#39;ll sort your feelings out eventually.
[post=352019]Quoted post[/post]​
[/b]



I would agree you really don&#39;t owe anyone an explanation unless you have truly figured yourself out. If it takes years or even decades so what.

Originally posted by Alley Blue@Oct 14 2005, 06:22 PM
<!--QuoteBegin-DenBoy
@Oct 14 2005, 11:43 PM
After that happens see where your fantasies go my fantasies about guys actually decreased afterwards.

I had my 1st sex with a guy 7.5 years later than with a girl
[post=351847]Quoted post[/post]​


Interesting&#33;
Was the experiance a let down? Did you top or bottom?
[post=351856]Quoted post[/post]​
[/quote]

I think that the experience satisfied my curiousity more than anything else. I was just hypothesizing that Slamdunk may experience a similar change, which in my case led to even more self-questioning.

I was an oral top the 1st time and experimented with that role for several months before I tried sucking cock. It was probably a year from my 1st experience to when I topped anally, and 2 years before I allowed someone to top me. Admittedly I love all of these, as well as sex with women, but I have never been able to form emotional attachments with other men like I form with a woman. With men it&#39;s just sex nothing more, even if we become regular fuckbuds, nothing else has ever developed. My inability to form relationships with my male sex partners may have been why I have taken it this slowly.

I certainly don&#39;t have my sexual identity figured out and I&#39;m probably alot older than Slamdunk. I have been struggling with alot of what he is asking about for more than 20 years.
 

Alley Blue

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Originally posted by DenBoy@Oct 15 2005, 05:00 PM
I love all of these, as well as sex with women, but I have never been able to form emotional attachments with other men like I form with a woman. 
[post=352027]Quoted post[/post]​

I have to agree with you. The lack of emotional depth in a same sex encounter really suppresses my interest level to a large degree.
From personal experience women seem to be more apt to giving this emotional "warmth" then a lot of men are. I&#39;m sure there are men out there who can do this......some where. But for me, this warmth is really the driving force behind the whole sexual encounter.
 

Matthew

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LOL - I now realize that when I wrote this I was mixing slamdunk_dude and someguyoverthere -- oops&#33; But it sounds like the two of you have some similar feelings.

Originally posted by Matthew+Oct 14 2005, 01:08 PM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Matthew &#064; Oct 14 2005, 01:08 PM)</div><div class='quotemain'>Here&#39;s a few ideas.

Don&#39;t have sex with a woman or a man until you decide it&#39;s time. You might never feel 100% ready, but pushing yourself is probably not helpful.

Since it sounds like it will be your first time, I don&#39;t think it&#39;s surprising that you have conflicting feelings about going for it. Society attaches a whole lot of unnecessary weight to a first time, above and beyond your natural nervousness.

If you haven&#39;t been with a man or a woman, you don&#39;t know what the "reality," as you put it, of each is like. That, however, is not a reason to pick either one or the other. Society obviously puts huge pressure on us to pick an opposite-sex over a same-sex one. That is also not a reason to pick either one or the other. You are also allowed option C, which is to have male and female partners at various times in your life.

&#39;Love&#39; and &#39;lust&#39; as you put it can be mutually exclusive but they can also co-exist. A lot of people look for a situation where they do co-exist. Others don&#39;t feel that&#39;s necessary. I&#39;m not sure that either is based on "reasoned thought." Especially when we feel alienated, it&#39;s easy to get real cerebral and distance ourselves from our emotions, and sometimes our physical desires too. But your head can lie to you more easily than your heart (or your dick).

If you want to do something sweet, tell that girl that it wasn&#39;t her -- that you just weren&#39;t ready. Since you said she knows you&#39;re a virgin, maybe she&#39;ll understand that. And if you do like her, of course it&#39;s always A-OK to date for some time before deciding to have sex. For some of us, it&#39;s an easier decision to make when we feel more comfortable/safe with the other person.

And finally, if you feel like experimenting, you can do some fooling around and still keep your virginity. It&#39;s not just a question of jump off the ledge or not. Good luck and don&#39;t stress too much. Issues like this get solved over time, not just by thinking about them really hard.

PS Yes, Morgan Webb is gross.
<!--QuoteBegin-SomeGuyOverThere
@Oct 14 2005, 12:41 PM
Thats interesting, but not too supriseing.

Not from my point of view anyhow - I like to think and fantasise, but given the opertunity to have sex with a guy or girl right now, I would probably turn them both down.

Something that does bug me - I feel the need to have a relationship and have sex, but at the same time, when faced with the reality of it, I&#39;m not that interested.

Example: I&#39;m a virgin and I knew a girl who really liked me, and wanted to go out with me and new I was a virgin and wanted to well... de-flower me. However, I didn&#39;t ask her out.

She thinks it is because I don&#39;t like her back - on the contrary, it&#39;s just that while wanting to have a relationship, I don&#39;t want to have one at the same time, I don&#39;t like the actual physical reality of being physically conjoined with somebody else for pleasure.

Yet, I have to masturbate, or I&#39;d go mad with sexual desires.

I think it&#39;s the difference between lust, which is a physical motive, and mental interest/love, which is personal and based on reasoned thought.

If my mind was in line with my lusts, I would have gone out with that girl, and given the choice of sex with a guy or girl I&#39;d yell "BOTH&#33;" but my mental needs and preference conflict with my physical ones - so the net result is a bit of confusion and overall sexual inactivity.

The confusion is - do I actually want this or not? Physically, yes, mentally no. So the answer is a grey area, and every time i think I&#39;ve made up my mind one way or another, the other side turns around and bites me in the ass.
[post=351784]Quoted post[/post]​
[post=351792]Quoted post[/post]​
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B_DoubleMeatWhopper

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Originally posted by Slamdunk_dude@Oct 14 2005, 02:50 PM
I might fantasize about a really masculine, muscular guy who is dominating but in the reality of daily life the guys I find more attractive are kind of pretty and feminine. I don&#39;t know...

Maybe since you haven&#39;t meet your ideal sexual partner in real life, you don&#39;t want to settle for what&#39;s available instead. You want to experience sex with a masculine partner since that&#39;s who stars in your fantasies, but you haven&#39;t met that person in real life, and you don&#39;t want to experience something that doesn&#39;t live up to the fantasy. Many of us have no desire to settle for second best. There&#39;s nothing wrong with that, especially considering what you&#39;re anticipating would be your first time with a man. To many guys, once you&#39;ve done the deed with another dude for the first time, you can&#39;t go back. You&#39;ve crossed the threshhold to your sexuality. That doesn&#39;t have to be the case, but it can be a milestone in your life. Why do it with someone who doesn&#39;t live up to your expectations? Stick to your guns and be picky: it&#39;s your fantasy and there&#39;s no reason to let yourself down. You&#39;ll know when the time is right. Good luck in getting in touch with what you&#39;re seeking.
 

Slamdunk_dude

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Hey everyone,
Thanks for the replies, there is some really great advice there. I tend to overanalyse things instead of just letting them happen. I live in a very close-knit family so keeping this side of myself secret is very difficult, I feel like I&#39;m decieving them, which is probably stupid.
I&#39;m not gonna rush into anything, just see what happens, thank you all so much, you have saved me from a lot more agonising&#33;

Slamdunk_Dude