Sexuality stuff

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by larocca, Sep 28, 2009.

  1. larocca

    larocca New Member

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    I haven't read that many topics in here about this theme (or maybe I just wasn't around enough), but there is a certain topic I would like to discuss.

    I find myself constantly questioning my sexuality and worrying over it almost every single day to the point where I just want to go crazy. So, here's the complete story for anyone that wants to read:

    When I was a young boy, I always jerked off on regular porn, reading dirty magazines and enjoying myself until one day after two years I discovered the internet where I stumbled upon gay porn and I decided it was best for me. That was the time when I stopped being friendly with other people and instead chose to retreat into my family and enjoying the gay stuff I occasionally watched. Of course, every single time I watched it I felt extremely uncomfortable and guilty but kept coming back as some sort of a drug. Still, every time I watch str8 porn (or lesbian) I get excited and I love the possibility of being with a woman.

    I love the possibility of one day finding a woman and marrying her, then having kids together, but I keep worrying that my gay porn watching will come between it and destroy me and my family. Also important to note-I'm a 20-year-old. I want to somehow forget about the gay stuff and I have the ability to forget about it for a week or more, but then I always remember it is right there on the net waiting for me to find it.

    So what should I do? I REALLY want to forget about it or at not do anything about it so I can enjoy my life in the way I want. Every time I meet a girl I get scared and push her away instead of trying to date her and see where things might go. I really don't know what to do.
     
  2. D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead

    D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead Account Disabled

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    This is the key thing that trips you up.

    Stop pushing them away and see what happens. You may have to do it even if it scares you, but it's just fear. You can do a LOT of stuff even if it scares you.
     
  3. LGX

    LGX Member

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    Well, you're still young so don't stress about it. Whatever makes you happy IS what makes YOU happy. If you want a wife and kids and don't care about sacraficing the other side of your sexuality, then go for it. I'm going through the same thing. I can't really picture myself with a guy, because after sex there is nothing there. I have both an emotional and sexual attraction towards girls (though the guy sexual attraction is stronger) and I feel that makes me happy. I could care less about labels and could go with a guy, but that's not what I want.

    Trust me, it's normal.
     
  4. larocca

    larocca New Member

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    Thank God! It really does bother me. Just like you, I have no emotional attachment to guys.

    The main reason why I keep distancing myself from people in general, I figured, is because I am inexperienced and for some reason I worry about what the person I hook up with might tell to the next person.
     
  5. hairybase

    hairybase Member

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    I don't think there's any level of inexperience that is sufficient to push someone you really feel SEXUALLY attracted to away. So when the chemistry is there, you'll find yourself letting go and enjoying the moment.
    As to gay or straight, may be you could be both i.e. bisexual. The only thing I'd say is if you are going to marry and have kids, let your wife know that you life men as well. It's very hurtful for your family to know you haven't played your cards openly. If she loves you, she'll accept it, and will know that you'll always go back to her, no matter what.
    Pllllllllllllllllease don't do what an ex of mine does. He is married to a wife, has kids, and goes around kissing men in public restrooms and taking them to motels for sex. He got out of a relationship with a guy recently and was depressed for 6 months. He thinks he sorted his life out by marrying and having kids but never told his wife of what happens. So, in my view, he's betraying her every day and killing himself one day at a time.
    Stuff to think about.
    You're too young though, so just go with the moment for now!
     
  6. beercanndick

    beercanndick New Member

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    Heres the thing, being bi myself, i have had sex and relationships with both men and women, you can find a balance and even a female partner who is comfortable with you having sex with a guy occasionally, but you will never know exactly how you feel til you have had both sex and a relationship with both sexes, so dont hold back , be open and dont waste your time worrying, find someone, male or female you are attracted to and go forward
     
  7. scottredleter

    scottredleter New Member

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    I'm not sure if homosexual is the right word... homoemotional seems to be a better word for what gay people express with each other. I was no different then my straight friends when I was younger, but as I got older I began falling in love with my friends, not just enjoying them physically. That's when it became a different thing. There seems to be a kind of purely physical sex that straight guys can share that's on a competitive or for-the-fun-of-it level... just neighborly in a way.
    Who knows what you may decide in the long term... maybe you don't have to. Maybe your sexuality isn't something you can stuff into a square box and label for the rest of your life. 'beercandick' gave you good advice. Stop worrying about it, but at the very least find someone you can talk to about it. It will help.
     
  8. B_Nick8

    B_Nick8 New Member

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    You may be uncomfortable with this answer but it's been my experience that people who are "constantly questioning their sexuality" are more often simply finding it difficult to accept knowledge they already have. You need to relax and try to realize that sexuality is fluid. Life is not written in stone. One thing does not preclude the other.

    You're young. Explore relationships. Explore yourself. Be open. Reject fear.

    You will get where you ought to be.
     
  9. larocca

    larocca New Member

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    The fact is that I just want to choose one side and stick with it. I don't like big changes in life and it's messing with my head so much that I see no other way out than a very dark move.

    There isn't anything more I want than finding someone to love and have kids with one day, settling with a job and being around family.
     
  10. B_Nick8

    B_Nick8 New Member

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    This is very likely why you're having such a problem; it may not be that simple for you.

    As for finding someone to love, having kids and being around family, you didn't include a gender in that statement which is good; that option will always be available to you no matter whom you fall in love with.
     
  11. larocca

    larocca New Member

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    It's the constant changes that I can't handle anymore. I'm so young yet my life is screwed up (I guess, only in my head). My family is okay, and I just want to get my head in order.

    And sorry but that line was about being with a woman, not a man.
     
  12. Stephenmass

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    Only advice I have for you larocca is make sure your feelings about being with a guy are not your TRUE feelings for the future and stay away from it because you are afraid that that may be your true arena.

    Let's say you get married (to a woman) have kids and the whole nine yards. You are with this woman for 20 years or more. Then your internal sexuality supersurfaces and your desire to be with a guy overwhelms you; kind of like "I need to be with a guy" just to see. Then say you do it and find it is your true sexuality.

    Now you are deep into a marriage with kids. You may think you are messed up a bit now man regarding all of this, but at least you have the freedom and time to see who you are.

    Don't be afraid of it. If it is you (str8, gay, or bi) or whatever, embrace it because that would be the true you.
     
  13. larocca

    larocca New Member

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    That thing you describe is exactly what I fear.

    The way I feel at the moment about watching gay porn was that it was always easier for me (as a kid and now) to retrieve in my own little word, not take things in my own hands with girls and just be so passive.

    Now I am trying to work on building my life, be who I am and live a happy life. I am attracted to women and would like to date them, but I always get too insecure with my inexperience in any field.
     
  14. Stephenmass

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    I was once attracted to women too larocca. My brain wouldn't let me bring up my internal wants and desires because it was so much easier to be mainstream. So I just pushed it down. I found myself say when I walked in the street checking out guys (moreso than women - matter of fact if a guy and girl walked by and the both attractive - I didn't really notice the girl much). I would shift my focus and say to myself "well even str8 guys know when other guys are good looking or hot, etc.". I think they do but my thoughts were beyond that.

    It's hard to explain.

    I began to realize that my "internet porn" was mostly if not all gay, and if I looked at str8 it was more to check out a hot str8 guy fucking these bimbos.

    But that is me. I am not sure how you are with this and if it is alike. I was married for one year and realized I wasn't being honest not only with myself, but her too.

    That is not a realization you want to go through. Painful time for me.
     
  15. larocca

    larocca New Member

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    First of all, I would like to thank all of you for your help and giving me advice. :) I don't have anyone else to confide into, so this site comes as a great help.

    What would make me really happy is if for once I could find a girl that would know I am inexperienced and help me out. (I feel like I need to work on my self-esteem the most - it's easy for me to stay away just because I don't know stuff) If I had a girl like that, I'd be the happiest man live. Then I'd know that everything in life would be just like I wanted it. This was something that I wanted throughout my entire life and always hoped I would get there. I'll see where I can get from there.
     
  16. dikkiedik

    dikkiedik Member

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    This is my life Larocca .... at your age I knew I felt attracted to men, but never experienced it. I met a girl and now I am married for more than 30 years; we have two children and since 5 years my wish to be with a man and have sex with him is constantly here. I have to do this secretly because I don't want to hurt my wife's feelings. But I wish almost every day that I had experienced this side of my sexuality before I married. I could have been open to my wife sothat she had a choice.
    I would say Larocca, don't be afraid. Follow your feelings, take time for it and be open about it if you are sure about what you want. I can tell you that the mess YOU feel in your head is not as bad as what I am going through every day. If you wish PM me.
     
  17. D_Helmer Heighballs

    D_Helmer Heighballs New Member

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    do you like the idea of being with a guy, or just like the porn.

    i agree with the earlier comment, secrets can kill relationships, why keep that part of yourself a secret, why not have a wank to it like couples do to lesbian porn?

    dark paths seem to be easier but are in fact more painful to those who we love.

    hope i helped. peace
     
  18. larocca

    larocca New Member

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    To be as honest as possible (and sorry for stretching this thread so long), I am positive and happy while looking forward to a future with a woman. I am not saying that I won't stumble upon a guy before I get married, but the prospect of finding a loved woman and having children seems so wonderful to me. I love your advice, but to be honest it scares me every time you say that my life could be complete and utter hell in 20 years if my wish for a man comes back or something like that. I am at a very low point in my life and I would like to think positively.

    These last few days have been one of the worst in my life (and I've only had two or three of those in these 20 years), and I just want to make it stop.

    I, however, am not stupid not to know that if a man jerks off to gay porn for a year or two that he won't forget it ever in his life. But if there is that tiny little chance that I can have a family and live happily, I'll gladly take it.
     
    #18 larocca, Sep 28, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2009
  19. Stephenmass

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    I didn't say it would be utter hell larocca. What happens, at least to me (I cannot speak for you) was my sexuality surfaced while I was married. When I was married, however brief, I wanted to experience in real life what I wasn't getting in my marriage, sex with a male. It drove my everyday thoughts. In my own case, especially since I wasn't upfront about it with my then wife, I felt total guilt and shame because I did go outside my marriage to find out. Yes it is cheating for sure and something I am not proud of, but those feelings of "needing to know what it was like" was overbearing.

    If you are upfront with your soon to be wife if you ever find one in the future, changes the landscape dramatically. She knows your inner urges, knows who and what you are, etc.

    In my own case, and again I don't speak for you, I honestly didn't know I was gay. Yes I found some men very attractive to the point of fantasizing about what it would be like with one of them. If I jerked off alone thoughts of being with another guy would sometimes take over my thoughts. I didn't want to be that way but inside I knew it was an innate part of me, something that would always be there, nagging at me.

    If you take a wife and she knows all of this, more power to you. It takes courage and patience to come clean with someone you love.

    I still love my x-wife in many ways, but I knew she deserved a str8 guy because that is what she wanted and I deserved to be set free to discover who and what I was.

    You are not married which gives you plenty of time and you are young. I hope you don't drive yourself nuts of course, but do examine yourself and your desires before pulling an unsuspecting female into your confusion. It only sets up for you more confusion.

    I did get a son in that marriage and love him with all my heart. Problem is I do not see him as much as I'd like because of how the court decided it. I see him religiously when I am supposed to and also take him when I get the nod from her on days that are not really mine. She thanks me today that I came clean with her and we both find that today we are becoming best of friends and I salute the fact that she has found someone that appears str8 and makes her happy. If she had stayed with me, she wouldn't have had that "complete devotion" that I think a strong relationship needs, especially one with kids, the white gate, the dog, etc.

    I'd be exploring if I were you why gay porn when you j/o to it turns you on. I hope I am not confusing you larocca. Honestly I don't. I just don't want to see you make the same mistake I did and get married and realize now it's not just my problem, it's hers too if she has no knowledge.

    Wishing you well and I won't "parent" you to death. Just trying to make you see how it could actually be worse instead of better even if you had the wife, kids, etc. In my own case I felt as if I was cheating her because my innate thoughts were male oriented. I freed her as much as she freed me and to this day it remains a very painful part of my life to have to hurt someone that I loved so dearly and that was her.
     
  20. larocca

    larocca New Member

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    Thanks stephenmass. I am young, I still have time, and I will definitely hook up with a girl to see how things go. I need to stop being so standoffish with all people (because, in general, I am not a person that likes to socialize and instead I keep being closed off). I would also hate it if I chose my life direction without even experimenting and giving things a chance before I make my decision. People keep reminding me that I need to start living life instead of watching other people living it, and I shall go ahead.

    More than anything, I need to know how a real kiss feels and what sex is like. I just hope I won't be ridiculed if I don't know all the right moves.

    And to all of you who read this, I really would like have an opinion of a str8 man on this subject. :)
     
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