Sexuality Woes

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by SomeGuyOverThere, Nov 13, 2009.

  1. SomeGuyOverThere

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    It seems I always have to have some sort of crisis going on, it's like a requirement or something.

    Anyway as you may remember, I lost my virginity in a one night stand with a girl, and it was pretty fail. Since then I've found that I have lost all interest I had in women. This is kind of irritating me especially as I've had several women hitting on me since then, one of whom said she loved me, and I recognise she's very attractive, but I have no interest in her.

    It's more than just a couple of hot girls who hit on me and I had no reaction, I seem to have just lost my bisexuality - I'm not getting turned on by women.

    Realising that I'm at the moment only turned on by men, and quite probably gay is scaring me a lot more than I thought it would. Discrimination I can deal with, but I just don't identify with the gay scene. I don't do the whole effeminate thing, I don't like gay clubs (the ones around here are a bit seedy), and generally I just don't come across as being gay.

    This is sort of like enjoying going to the cinema but hating films. : / And I feel I have to somehow get into 'the scene' to explore this aspect of myself as it sounds strange but I don't have any gay friends. Well I have one gay friend who has had a crush on me for the last 3 years, but I'm not attracted to him at all.

    I'm trying to just go with the flow at the moment, but the flow seems to be an endless parade of hot girls, who I want nothing but friendship from, hitting on me. I hate life. :rolleyes:
     
  2. hud01

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    Well not all gays are effiminate.You don't have to go to gay bars. You can go where you like. Trust me there are a huge number of gays who don't fit the media stereotype.

    Do what you like and date who you like and don't worry about labels.
     
  3. SomeGuyOverThere

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    On paper yes, but I'm not really having any luck in finding guys :/

    I think mainly because I seem totally straight, so maybe adopting a label would help identify me in the right way. If that makes sense?
     
  4. hud01

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    But then you still aren't being yourself. There are plenty of gay men who want to date a straight looking and/or acting man. There are boards, dating sites and other web sites that help gay men find other gay men.

    Maybe try another city to find better bars, just to help you find your game.
     
  5. Ric1

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    I'm sure there are plently of others who don't like the seedy bars and clubs.
     
  6. invisibleman

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    I agree. I am not effeminate either. (BUT I don't hate the effeminate peeps.) I am an ordinary guy with an extraordinary view. Had I not worked in a gay bar and worked with a whole bunch of peeps. I never would known that there were racist gay peeps and homophobic black lesbians. And the anomaly: the straight male bartender working at the gay bar. :eek: All of those guys were great friends and they all knew that I wasn't going to "hit" on them.

    Well if gay peeps are worried about the media stereotype...then, you will have to change those perceptions. You will have to evolve. And you have to let it be known. The possibilities are endless.
     
  7. SomeGuyOverThere

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    You know i think putting this into words made me realise I have to chill out and stop thinking about it.
     
  8. mistergrasso

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    Well said. You will find the scene and the people that you feel most comfortable with in time. Let it happen. If you were straight you might be going through the same thing. A lot of straight guys might go to pick-up bars and at first love the thrill of going home and getting laid no strings attached but then tire of that scene. Once you're not in school and you're just off living in the world it simply takes time to find your way, and not just with regards to sex and romance.

    By the way, this problem is more like enjoying the cinema but not caring for action films.
     
  9. sandwulf

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    Yup, over thinking your sexuality will give you nothing but headaches. I know that from experience.

    It has been stated many times that the sexuality of a person is a very fluid thing and not something set in stone for all time. I completely agree with that.
    Who knows, at some point in the future you may even find yourself attracted to a woman again.

    But for now you are interested in guys, and finding a guy when you don't fit the stereotypes and aren't into the "scene" can be a challenge. But, it is a challenge that can be overcome.

    The biggest problem of course is that you say you come off as a straight guy. Which means that you are far less likely to have the guys come to you. This is what you need to change to find someone when outside of gay heavy venues. By that I don't mean that you need to start "acting gay" and fitting the stereotype. Far from it. You should always be yourself no matter who or what that might be.
    Rather you will need to be the one to put yourself out there. Be the one approaching a guy rather then the other way around more often then not.

    Essentially you need to tune your gaydar as it were, to help you find someone who might be interested. It isn't something that comes immediately and naturally to a guy just because he realizes that he likes men.

    The most important thing is observation. Become a people watcher. Go to social events and pay attention to the guys. Their actions, reactions, and mannerisms can help you weed out the ones who may be interested from the ones who aren't. Notice who and what they pay attention to and what they don't.

    There are lots of little clues that can suggest a persons sexuality that you can learn to spot over time. Some guys are really good at it and some are really bad at it. But every guy can learn to spot another gay guy with a fair degree of accuracy if they are observant enough.

    I'm sure that hundreds of guys on this board alone can and probably will chime in with little things to watch for that can give you hints as to their sexuality.
     
    #9 sandwulf, Nov 13, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2009
  10. B_Nick8

    B_Nick8 New Member

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    Good on you. Stop thinking and just be.
     
  11. Stephenmass

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    Last I knew there is no book that tells you what you have to do or be to be gay. I don't really identify with the gay scene myself at all. I like sports and sport bars, watching or going to a sporting event, movie, any bar for a few beers, and having a good time with friends gay or straight. Just be who you are; only difference between you and a straight guy is your choice of sleeping with the same sex. Beyond that, if you are like me, you are more like a straight guy in everything else than you are connected with the gay world. I understand it completely.
     
  12. SomeGuyOverThere

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    Thanks for the advice.

    I think the whole "coming across as straight" is quite a big thing. I've been hit on by precisely one guy, but quite a few women.

    As for watching people, you're preaching tot he converted there. I'm an old hand at the art of people watching, but I'm not very good at spotting or understanding emotions as I'm not a very emotional person (in person). I think I'lll have to be a bit more proactive, as you say. My current strategy has been to be talkative and nice to everyone and see who reveals themselves as liking me - and that works, so far only with girls.

    It's all a bit complicated when you sit down and think about it. Sometimes I wish I had the instinct for it.
     
  13. Lex

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    I remember this fear--the time when my attraction to women disappeared and I realized that I was, in fact gay, and not bisexual. It was horrifying. That being said, the most important lesson that coming to terms with my sexuality in my early 30s taught me was that loving yourself as is is the most important thing that each of us can do. That this opportunity to re-learn who you are from the inside out--truly look yourself in the mirror and become okay with (and then proud of) who you are. It's an amazing feeling to truly love yourself.

    As far as fitting into any one scene--great! Don't! I fit into any scene I choose to be a part of and refuse to be pigeon-holed into any particular stereotype. There are plenty of gay men who are not effeminate (not that there is anything wrong with being camp). In fact, I would say that most gay men are butch and hide in plain view as such.

    You might want to see if there are any "levi/leather/bear" bars in your area. Those tend to be more blue-collar, working class, everyman types of hang-outs, in my experiences. Good luck.
     
  14. SomeGuyOverThere

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    Ok, I think I've been lying to myself for a long time. I've tried to fall in love with girls, but I just don't feel much sexual attraction to women. I realised this while staring at a really hot guy today. :rolleyes:

    So I've updated my percentages and I'm taking mental stock at the moment. I think I'll try the university's LGBT society, see what they're like and try and make some LGBT friends and take it from there.

    Looking back it should have been clear to me I was gay back when I was 14, jacking off to gay porn and fantasizing about my best friend. But still I kept this from myself and convinced myself I was interested in women. It really should have been clear to me at 18 when 80% of the porn on my computer was gay porn. And it certainly should have become clear to me when, at 20, my new best friend was making comments on hot girls and the only ass I had been staring at was another man's.

    I've been unfaithful and untruthful to myself and about myself, and right now I feel a little shaken than I've spent 8 years in a grand deception. :(
     
  15. crescendo69

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    The first person we come out to is ourself. Congratulations on your honesty.
     
  16. Countryguy63

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    No advice, just want to offer my support
     
  17. B_Nick8

    B_Nick8 New Member

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    You are just so sweet sometimes.
     
  18. Countryguy63

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    Aww, Thank you
     
  19. SomeGuyOverThere

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    So I told my best friend, and he was really supportive. He suggested a few changes in how I dress to come across a little less "straight" but not effeminate. I think I'll go shopping on Sunday and take his advice.

    I've joined the mailing list for the University's LGBT society, they're having a film night tonight but I'm giving it a miss as I feel ill. Funny how small Aberdeen can be, I spotted a few guys I'd seen around on the LGBT group's facebook page. :rolleyes:

    I've made up my mind at the moment not to "come out" of the closet until I'm a bit more sure of who I am and what I am. What I really want now though, is a relationship.
     
  20. crescendo69

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    Wonderful. Good luck.
     
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