Sexually Frustrated Relationship

[deleted690810]

I’m posting this to avoid the conversation my therapist says I need to have with my husband and to vent. I’ve been in a long term gay relationship (we are both in our 50s) and have been having a number of issues with our sexual relationship. (I don’t think he is having any issues.)
The first thing is for a looooong time we only have sex if I initiate it. He seems like a willing participant (because he can get hard and get off) but many times I get the feeling he is just going along with it.
The second thing is we do the same thing ALL the time… I say I’m going to take a hot shower. I take a shower then go lay naked in bed. Eventually he takes a shower, brushes his teeth, etc (it’s a process) and winds up in bed with me. We lay there for a while spooning until one of us (usually me) gets the ball rolling. Then we kiss a bit, stroke each other a bit, maybe do a little oral sometimes, then usually end up jacking ourselves off- although sometimes we will Jack each other off.
The third thing is he NEVER wants to do any anal. I’m a bottom. He’s never been much of a top. In our earlier days at least there would be occasional fucking, which was sometimes pretty hot, that would minimally satisfy me. Now he doesn’t even remotely touch any part of my ass.
Although I’m painting a picture that our relationship sucks, we actually get along really well, genuinely like each other, and do a lot of hand holding, hugging, and kissing throughout the day (which he does initiate a lot). I do think I have a higher sex drive than him. So there’s that. I’m just dreading bringing any of this up because I really don’t think it will make a difference. That’s it.

 

[matwlep]

I feel for you. I don't know if you want anyone start giving ideas and "solutions" so just letting you know you are listened to.

 

[erpap]

Maybe with age he has lost his libido?

 

[EuroboyUS]

Wow! You just wrote the story of my marriage. Everything you describe is 100% my situation too. I usually just masturbate while he's asleep or in the shower but it doesn't stop the frustration. DM me if you want to talk - even just to vent to someone who really understands.

 

[deleted690810]

Wow! You just wrote the story of my marriage. Everything you describe is 100% my situation too. I usually just masturbate while he's asleep or in the shower but it doesn't stop the frustration. DM me if you want to talk - even just to vent to someone who really understands.

Thanks. Sorry you are in the same boat. Im going to talk with him in the middle of March. (I promised my therapist I’d do it!) I want to have the conversation when we can both focus and not be distracted by work stuff that’s going on right now. I told my therapist how I was going to approach the conversation and, after I said it, I realized it sounded like a list of demands in a hostage standoff. So I’m going to try and soften my tone and hopefully make it more collaborative. I’ll let you know how it goes.

 

[chrisrobin]

Just get your "stuff" out in the open, dont expect miracles and be grateful for small mercies.
The sex aside many of us would jump at the sort of relationship you have!

 

[erpap]

What do people in relationships do when one is not interested in sex any more or loss of libido (which is no one’s fault).

 

[EuroboyUS]

What do people in relationships do when one is not interested in sex any more or loss of libido (which is no one’s fault).

It’s really difficult. I adore my husband and it’s the only thing that doesn’t work in our relationship. He’s very traditional and wouldn’t ever open our relationship - I’m not sure I’d want to either. So, I weigh what we have against what we don’t and if it means I watch porn and jerk off every day, that’s a small price to pay for what we have.

 

[Sagittarius84]

What do people in relationships do when one is not interested in sex any more or loss of libido (which is no one’s fault).

I used to have a more idealistic approach towards this question....but as a contrary to most opinions, I think now fault needs to be established if possible, because that will determine whom has the onus to act. I get there are always outliers to consider, but I'm willing to bet the vast majority of people no longer interested in sex with their current partner, or whom have lost their libido either previously actively pursued a lifestyle that fostered that loss, or passively did not take precautions to prevent it from happening. In either case I don't think it's healthy for the partner that has either retained or maintained their sexual interest and libido to be asked for more to receive less. I think the partner with libido has a responsibility to bring up their concerns and give their partner space to address them. I think the lost libido partner has to make themselves a safe space to receive the concerns of their partner, and a resolution to either address the issue or provide a consequence free way out for your partner to find someone for whom that isn't an issue, if they so choose.

 

[Gj816]

Here's a thought, it's the first thing that ran through my mind as I was reading your post OP.

Aside from the sex, you have a good relationship with your husband. Have you ever considered that he might like to be the bottom in this relationship? I know you said that you were the bottom, but what if you switch it up a bit? Maybe he'd like for you to flip fuck? I know some gay couples who do that, and some who don't have anything but oral sex. It's just a thought though.

Sometimes couples end up with a selfish lover. One who never initiates anything, and who's only interest is getting self satisfaction.

Otherwise you seem to have a good relationship with your husband. Communication is important. Suppose, he's wanting to be the bottom for a change. Is that a deal breaker or are you willing to be the top in this relationship?

 

[4_men]

All I can say is life is too short and the minutes, hours, days , weeks… eventually years you spend without enjoying and having a good sexual life is waste of time! Don’t get me wrong please. Having someone who cares about you and be there when you need is priceless but that’s why we have friends and family for! I have a relationship and we are totally opposite personalities and the only thing keeps us together for almost 5 years is the amazing sex we are having. We are both working and during the time we spend together, all we are doing is sex sex sex!!! Hope I could help!

 

[deleted690810]

Here's a thought, it's the first thing that ran through my mind as I was reading your post OP.

Aside from the sex, you have a good relationship with your husband. Have you ever considered that he might like to be the bottom in this relationship? I know you said that you were the bottom, but what if you switch it up a bit? Maybe he'd like for you to flip fuck? I know some gay couples who do that, and some who don't have anything but oral sex. It's just a thought though.

Sometimes couples end up with a selfish lover. One who never initiates anything, and who's only interest is getting self satisfaction.

Otherwise you seem to have a good relationship with your husband. Communication is important. Suppose, he's wanting to be the bottom for a change. Is that a deal breaker or are you willing to be the top in this relationship?

Thanks for the suggestion but he definitely does not want to be a bottom. He has told me he doesn’t like that. I really think he’s happy just jacking off.

 

[deleted690810]

All I can say is life is too short and the minutes, hours, days , weeks… eventually years you spend without enjoying and having a good sexual life is waste of time! Don’t get me wrong please. Having someone who cares about you and be there when you need is priceless but that’s why we have friends and family for! I have a relationship and we are totally opposite personalities and the only thing keeps us together for almost 5 years is the amazing sex we are having. We are both working and during the time we spend together, all we are doing is sex sex sex!!! Hope I could help!

There’s a part of me that is envious of your situation. That has to be awesome to be so sexually compatible. We have been through too much together to throw it all away because of the sex issues. I’m not sure anyone ever gets 100% of what they want in a relationship. All I know is when I’m in my 80s and I can’t get it up anymore, I want to have someone by my side who cares deeply for me and I for them.

 

[4_men]

There’s a part of me that is envious of your situation. That has to be awesome to be so sexually compatible. We have been through too much together to throw it all away because of the sex issues. I’m not sure anyone ever gets 100% of what they want in a relationship. All I know is when I’m in my 80s and I can’t get it up anymore, I want to have someone by my side who cares deeply for me and I for them.

I totally understand you but please remember that you are 50 and not 80. I am not advising to leave him, it’s your decision but what you are saying is like we are all working our asses off and saving money to make sure we have money to use when we are old but we never enjoy the most precious times of this short life which is the youth. And you are 50 and you are young.

 

[deleted18388141]

Sex evolves to many forms over the days so maybe just forget about who iniciates and concentrate on the action

 

[ozdevok]

All I can say is life is too short and the minutes, hours, days , weeks… eventually years you spend without enjoying and having a good sexual life is waste of time! Don’t get me wrong please. Having someone who cares about you and be there when you need is priceless but that’s why we have friends and family for! I have a relationship and we are totally opposite personalities and the only thing keeps us together for almost 5 years is the amazing sex we are having. We are both working and during the time we spend together, all we are doing is sex sex sex!!! Hope I could help!

I think you have a different relationship if "the only thing" that keeps you together is sex, sex, sex... Not judging, it's what works or doesn't work for me, but I find that quite superficial and would rather have @freetoplay relationship than yours. A relationship based on sex would never last for me, not even a week...

Talking about my 14 year long relationship, also living in different towns and meeting every weekend, we generally have sex daily when we are together, but sometimes we spend three or four days together and don't have sex at all, and that's completely fine as we spend a lot of healthy and enjoyable time doing other things just us or with friends. At times we are just tired after a day hiking, then dinner, then games with friends... When we get back home we only want to sleep. Maybe we will have sex in the morning, maybe one will wake up sucking the other's dick, but that is not mandatory and might not happen if we wake up later and have something else planned for the morning. Sex is great and we enjoy it a lot, but the right circumstances should be in place. For instance, someone bottoming might not be available 24/7 as that requires some preparation. It's definitely easier to suck a dick if we are horny and keen... Might or might not fuck later... For reference, I'm in early 40s and that's the same way I used to think when I was 20. What keeps us together is friendship/partnership, mutual attraction, learning things together, spending time together doing things we enjoy (sex or not), being supportive, cuddles, kisses, intimacy, making travel plans and travelling together, eating out, going to the beach... We are best friends and we share our lives together... There are so many reasons why we are together despite the possible reasons we wouldn't be together.

I am probably weird, but I find sex without "the rest" completely pointless. That's why right now or Grindr have never worked for me. I sometimes envy people who can easily have sex with anyone, without intimacy or affect, but that is meaningless, not for me. I can meet people who become friends, create intimacy, and then we could potentially have sex, but I can't have sex without the connection. If there is no connection, I'd rather just masturbate... Pretty easy and quite enjoyable...

 

[ozdevok]

I’m posting this to avoid the conversation my therapist says I need to have with my husband and to vent. I’ve been in a long term gay relationship (we are both in our 50s) and have been having a number of issues with our sexual relationship. (I don’t think he is having any issues.)
The first thing is for a looooong time we only have sex if I initiate it. He seems like a willing participant (because he can get hard and get off) but many times I get the feeling he is just going along with it.
The second thing is we do the same thing ALL the time… I say I’m going to take a hot shower. I take a shower then go lay naked in bed. Eventually he takes a shower, brushes his teeth, etc (it’s a process) and winds up in bed with me. We lay there for a while spooning until one of us (usually me) gets the ball rolling. Then we kiss a bit, stroke each other a bit, maybe do a little oral sometimes, then usually end up jacking ourselves off- although sometimes we will Jack each other off.
The third thing is he NEVER wants to do any anal. I’m a bottom. He’s never been much of a top. In our earlier days at least there would be occasional fucking, which was sometimes pretty hot, that would minimally satisfy me. Now he doesn’t even remotely touch any part of my ass.
Although I’m painting a picture that our relationship sucks, we actually get along really well, genuinely like each other, and do a lot of hand holding, hugging, and kissing throughout the day (which he does initiate a lot). I do think I have a higher sex drive than him. So there’s that. I’m just dreading bringing any of this up because I really don’t think it will make a difference. That’s it.

Communication, communication, communication... Something like this could be appropriate:
"Do you miss having sex as we used to have?"
"Do you think your libido is down, for whatever reason? Should you maybe see a doctor, check hormones and stuff?"
"Would you like to do anything different?"
"Do you enjoy when we have sex?"
"Is there anything we could do together so you enjoy the sex?"

I do believe that for most people sex tends to become less and less important... It can be around the 30s, the 40s, the 80s... But if that's undesirable, there are more resources today to improve sex drive...

 

[Sagittarius84]

The more I read threads like these, the more I realize the idea of "compersion" is one society deems everyone to be entitled to some measure of except when it comes to high libido males.

 

[Brodie888]

I think your therapist is correct in telling you to ask. But I think there is a right and a wrong way to discuss it.

If you do it in a way that tries to attribute blame, he will just get defensive or it will make having sex be such a big thing that it's too much expectation.

Perhaps a place to start is to suggest to him that you'd like for the both of you to express your affection for each other more often. I find kissing sessions are very good for this. There's no pressure for sex, just connecting through the unspoken language of kissing.

If he's completely not interested in trying to improve your intimacy, it's at this point that you need to explain how you feel and ask him what his thoughts are about the level of intimacy you have.

He may be completely oblivious that there is a problem. He may have phobia about maintaining a hard enough erection for a full session of penetration. He may have low libido. He may have body issues. He may just need longer foreplay or porn to get the fire going.

Whatever the reason, you may also not get everything you want but there may be a compromise that you both can live with.

 

[deleted690810]

Follow up to all this. Long story short we had a talk. Years of major lack of communication and build up of assumptions going on. I think he was taken by surprise because we never had a blunt conversation about our sexual relationship/desires. He didn’t know what to say honestly but was willing to listen. I did not pull any punches -said a lot of stuff that was difficult to say. I was enlightened by some things he said and didn’t say- which confirmed some of the hunches I had had about our sex life for years. It made me realize I’m not going to get everything that I would like to. (Does anybody when they are in a relationship?) But he is willing to experiment with me to meet my desires. He also asked for some more detail about it which surprised me in a good way. He also hesitantly shared a few things that turn him on which I didn’t know. So I think this a good place to start from.