Shall we go a little deeper?

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by bluekarma, May 9, 2007.

  1. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    So I guess my other thread has been active long enough for everyone to know how much of an insecure retard I am, hah. That said, I'd like to put something else out there that might give you all some insight as to what goes on inside this deranged little mind of mine.

    Lots of people have mentioned that I should be thankful that he chose my personality and all the other great things about me over some big boobs or a perfect body. This much is true, and I agree. However, while that might be a big plus for some, for me, the opposite has always been something I fantasized about. You see, growing up, going through school, my circle of friends were beautiful...all of them. I wasn't ugly by any means, just not one of the "hot chick", basically I was "average". I always ended up with boyfriends, or dates...but only AFTER they got to know me, and got hooked to my charming personality :)biggrin1: ). Any guys we hung out with would always gravitate to my other friends, and I'd be sitting around wondering when someone would notice me. Eventually (sometimes) some of those guys would realize my friends were nothing more than a pretty face, and would gravitate toward me, because I was fun to be around, and talk to, and had more depth. Anyway, to make a long story short....I've always wanted to be noticed for my looks, or lusted after because I'm "hot". I know it sounds twisted and shallow, and I'm trying to work on it....but it is the reason I crave that raw sexual attention, and may be a big part of why I come here. Who knows? I don't know if any of that made sense, but I wanted to try and explain it.

    Also, since I have gotten a little older and more mature, and also prettier (eek, don't hate me for saying that)....I think about this stuff less, and less. Obviously it is still a pattern if I'm asking a new love interest to pick my body over his ex's....but I think I handled it a lot better this time than I would have a year ago. Perhaps it's the help I got here, or the confidence I gained when I lost weight and began taking care of my body? Whatever it is, I want to continue to make progress.

    If any of you have ever struggled with something similar, I'd love to hear from you. If you have a suggestion, let it rip. If you have criticism, go for it, sometimes it's what I need to hear. If you just read this, you deserve a reward....it is a bit much, I admit.
    :rolleyes:
     
  2. IntoxicatingToxin

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    Hrm. I don't know what to say, really, except keep working on your self confidence. Although I don't think your desire to be lusted after because you're hot is exactly abnormal or uncommon. :smile: One of my favorite quotes, that's also in my signature, is "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." It's pretty self explanatory, but it basically means that you have the power to choose how to react if someone isn't attracted to you or if they don't like you or whatever the case may be. You also have the power to control how you react if he said he likes his exes body better. :smile: You have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. You have to be comfortable being single and alone, I think, before you can be in a proper healthy relationship. You also have to respect yourself before anyone else can respect you.
     
  3. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    Thanks Meg. I like that quote. It's funny that you talk about being comfortable being single and alone before I can have a healthy relationship. He and I discussed that last night. We both agreed, and it was his suggestion that I do things for myself and make myself happy instead of depending on him to do that for me. Anyway, I think I'm on the right track to loving myself, but it doesn't come as something natural or easy to do for me. It's hard.

     
  4. diamond

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    HI CuriousGurl.....


    Well this happend to me about 3 months ago.....I met this guy, attractive, hung, smart, and funny. ( I thought I had hit the jackpot). We met through mutual friends, at a party, ( he came down from Boston) to attend this function. Anyhow, we hit it off, chemistry was really intense, we got hot and heavy, we did everything under the sun except have intercourse. The only reason why I didn't jump in the sack was because I knew he had gotten out of a serious relationship of 1.5 years, and I didn't want to be the "shelf girl". So we exchanged phone numbers, email addresses etc and we went our seperate ways.

    During the following 8 weeks we managed to stay in touch on a daily basis with some pretty hot phone conversations and email banter only to be hugely disappointed that all of this had stopped as suddenly as it had begun. At first I thought he was just busy, but after a few days I knew in my gutt he most probably got back together with his ex. ( with age comes wisdom).

    Well guess what, 3 days ago he called me only to tell me how much he missed me, and wanted to give it a go with me. I asked him why he returned to his ex in the first place, and he gave me some pretty interesting reasons, ( great body) great in bed, etc etc.......

    After several minutes on the phone he asked me when we could hook up??!! I replied NEVER since his ex was such a great lay he should stick to things he already knew well........Was my ego crushed, hell yeah, he picked his ex over me......and i could have sworn we had great sexual chemistry.....

    My point is that no matter how much self esteem you have or how pretty you are, you always want to be number one, ( at least i do) it's human nature. Being second best sucks ass....no matter how much the person claims to like you.
     
  5. B_huge1_4u

    B_huge1_4u New Member

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  6. ClaireTalon

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    CuriousGirl,

    I can definitely feel with you. We might be contrastive in our demeanour and appearance, but we share the problem that we are rarely approached first. Well, not completely: I have guys approaching me when I'm at a bar, but rarely ever it's the type of guy that I'd like to approach me. It has to do something with me being relatively tall for a woman (I know taller though, with shoes and without), or that I seem to radiate being not an easy pick-up, or its my loud laugh. However, once guys find out that I'm not as complicated as I seem to be, quite the contrary, they're all over me.

    So as you see, I can relate to your problem. I don't think it's shallow to want more first-sight attraction. But think again whether it's worth probably bending yourself. So far, you have always gotten a date or a relationship, and if I may say so: You have gotten the higher quality one. You had to wait for it, and be patient, but this also has its advantages. I don't think a guy will remember all the easy pick-up's he's had, but a relationship with you would be one of the kind that's more in-depth, and better remembered.

    But whom am I telling that? I see you have already discovered that guys are attracted to you after finding out that there's nothing behind your friends' pretty faces. I'm not meaning to derogate your friends, but didn't you see those guys were actually looking for a little more? I think otherwise they wouldn't have approached you after those discoveries, and you could bring the catch home in the end.

    If I was you, I wouldn't change anything. You're as good as they come as you are. Keep yourself in reasonable shape, savor your sparkling, charming personality, and you'll always get your dates, even after the day when your friends' faces are no longer hot chicks' faces.
     
  7. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    Thank you so much for telling me about this. I look at your pics and you are for sure "one of those girls" - haha, the hot ones! Not saying you don't have a great personality, because you do...but you know. Anyway, the same thing happened to you! But doesn't it feel terrible? Really thanks for posting that, I'm sorry you had to go through it, because it FUCKING SUCKS, but I'm also glad I'm not alone. xoox

    Thank you so much Claire for all the positive feedback you've given me over the past few days. I've taken every bit of it very seriously. I have been told by guys that I am rather unapproachable. They sometimes mistake my shyness for snobbines, and lets face it, they want the girls that are dancing half naked on the bar, not the ones sitting quietly sipping their drink watching the spectacle above. Then again, any guy who would choose that over someone with half a brain, isn't the guy for me anyway!
     
  8. AlteredEgo

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    Well, curiousgirl, I can definitely relate. Except my best friend not only has the face of a supermodel and the body of Athena, but she also has a killer personality to boot. I used to feel really unatractive because I was teased in school about my height, my hair, my glasses my (giant) space between my two front teeth. In high school I got mixed signals. The mirror started co-operating with me and I felt pretty, I was popular and guys from my school were interested, but I was still largely ignored by the population at large; especially when I was out with my best friend. So the feedback I felt I was getting was, "You're okay, but still not quite pretty enough. Your tummy's too round, your hips are too small, your butt is too flat and narrow. Et cetera." It's funny though. If you hear her tell the story, she always feels like she gets ignored over me because she is self-conscious of her small breasts. (Mine are enormous.) It's not true though. I've never caused a man to fall down or walk into a door or pole. I've never stopped traffic. When we were in our early 20's those things were so routine for her that she didn't even notice.

    One time I lauged at a guy and told him not to hurt himself. He got really pissed and yelled in my face. He said I was jealous. The truth is I was never envious of her. I wanted her to have all of that attention, I just thought I also wanted that kind of attention too. Yet whenever I get approached by men, I feel very uncomfortable. I think they sense this. I think they know I'm looking for an out, and it doesn't mater that the man is attractive, well-groomed, polite, and charming. I want out from 'hello'. I need to be the one who does the approaching, or I feel completely out of my element. I feel like a shy, awkward, adolescent mess. I hate it! Rejection I can handle (not every guy I've ever approached has been interested, and some were just hoping I was 'wingman' for my best friend). Lack of control is another thing altogether. I too am used to a group of guys approaching my table to get some attention from my more classicly beautiful friends, and winning them over with my humor and charm. So I know what you are saying. I think I just prefer it that way. I just didn't always know that.


    Aditionally, I have found it helpful to know that the men I have dated and played with all thought I was hot. That's enough for me. They looked at me and thought, "She's hot. I'm glad she's into me." It doesn't mater if they ever thought some other woman was more attractive. All I need is to know that there is an attraction, and that it's very strong.

    I'm sure your dude thinks you're smokin' hot. It doesn't matter who else might be hotter.
     
  9. Love-it

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    Men have the same problem, insecurities. Accepting who you are is often difficult and may require a sense of humor. My wife says that I am cute, I don't accept that as fact but that she is prejudiced, and on the level that she thinks I am cute I am OK with the concept. I am not and never will be handsome, I am overweight and bald on top.

    Here is what I tell people, as a man: "You either have to have looks or money, now you know what kind of trouble I'm in."
     
  10. naughty

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    Workin' up a good pot of mad!

    Isnt that the same for women too though? The problem is that most people live somewhere in the middle and thus the crux of the problem. Up to a certain point there is only so much you can do about either situation.
     
  11. Love-it

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    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Love-it [​IMG]
    Men have the same problem, insecurities. Accepting who you are is often difficult and may require a sense of humor. My wife says that I am cute, I don't accept that as fact but that she is prejudiced, and on the level that she thinks I am cute I am OK with the concept. I am not and never will be handsome, I am overweight and bald on top.

    Here is what I tell people, as a man: "You either have to have looks or money, now you know what kind of trouble I'm in."


    I was trying to introduce some levity to self worth issues that are roughly equivalent for women and men. We need to be able to view ourselves as others see us, find the good and move on, acceptance comes from within and grows outward.
     
  12. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    Sounds like we have a lot in common AE. Although I've never had an instance where I didn't enjoy the attention. Since I became single, and lost weight, etc. many more men approach me, and I while I may put on an aire, I'm really giddy inside to be getting the attention. I do see where you're coming from in your last paragraph, and I agree. If he thinks I'm hot, what more should I care about? Thanks again.

    It is very difficult Love-it, and I do have a sense of humor...but find it hard to apply to myself. And I'm sure your wife is not all that prejudiced, in that you are cute as a button :biggrin1: .
     
  13. AlteredEgo

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    Haha! Well, I do enjoy it, but for me that is overpowered by the urge to run far and fast! The reason I say I think men sense it is that I have been trapped by a lot of men. Some will introduce themselves, and if I shake their hand, they won't let go of me. Just two days ago I was trapped in a tiny bakery by a man who wouldn't get out of the doorway. I've been locked in taxicabs, followed... this doesn't seem to happen to my friends. But they are all content to soak in whatever attention comes. I almost always find an exit. Weird, huh?

    Anyway, I'm glad the last sentence helped a little.
     
  14. Love-it

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    Blushing!!!! Thank you.

    I will repeat a story once told somewhere in LPSG of how I was at a friends house, he was about 86 at the time and his wife was about 91. I had a real sense of her beauty and sexuality not only as a younger woman but as a woman in her 90's. Part of that I am sure is that you could see that they still loved each other, they didn't see their wrinkles and that helped me see what existed behind or beyond her wrinkles. The old adage that beauty is only skin deep does not adequately explain the inner beauty that shows through and which is what we are actually attracted to.
     
  15. Aplus

    Aplus New Member

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    Well I guess you gotta take the good with the bad in such cases. Not every guy is gonna be content with simply looking and appreciating, especially if they're looking for a possible relationship or simply sex. Although it probably doesn't seem to happen to your friends, I'm betting it sometimes does. Not every guy takes a simple no as an answer, nor is everyone of them capable enough to understand that flirting is simply flirting sometimes. I think everyone wants attention, but unfortunately we can't always control who we get it from.
     
  16. Gillette

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    This feeling isn't lost on me. I belong to the invisible girlfriends' club as well. Most of my friends are taller or more willowy or more exotic or have larger breasts, etc. but I find I'm quite comfortable with it. We actually use it as a litmus test. If a guy approaches one of us but doesn't pay any attention to the others we can gauge his character pretty quickly.

    While I have assets of my own, I find I'm left a bit underwhelmed when someone compliments me on a physical trait. I'm still training myself to respond with a polite thank you instead of some non-commital sound of aknowledgement.

    If there's to be any reciprocal interest at all the person needs to see me rather than parts of.

    The hottest initial meeting I ever had was a guy who held my gaze directly. It felt like he was looking into me, not at me. Sexy as hell!
     
  17. Love-it

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    The eye connection was one of the first things that attracted me to my wife but that was only after I got past the first look from a distance of a cute woman in a handkerchief bra and shorts sitting by a mountain stream. We still enjoy looking into each others eyes. We both wear glasses which can make it awkward up close.

    I have had other instances of deep soulful looks, for lack of a better term, with women but of relatively short duration. Except for one time with an 18 year old daughter of a friend, her eyes are remarkable and draw attention from most males, her gaze was deep, intense and for what seemed a very long duration, it was moving to have that connection even for only what I am sure were but moments.
     
  18. Kassokilleri2ff

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    Lol, and here are us ugly people, wishin we werent so ugly. When you, being a hot girl, think "i wish i was hotter so this guy will think im hotter than this other girl" just remember, there are plenty of us ugly people who wish we were hot, and know you got it better than most of us. Kind of like me when i was poor as a kid, i still had it alot better than people who lived in third world countries or worse.


    kekekekekek.

    ^^
     
  19. Kassokilleri2ff

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    I find people freak out if you look them in the eye :( I look some people in the eye, and if for too long they get all figity and stuff, cant be doing that :( lol
     
  20. Gillette

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    You have to be careful with subtle differences in eye contact. You don't want to look like you're staring them down but you do want to convey interest. If your interest in a person is particularly heated your expression may have a certain note of dominance to it. This can be very sexy but disconcerting to some. Try to temper it with a feeling of curiousity so they don't feel so threatened.
     
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