She doesn't think she's beautiful, and I couldn't perform, which makes it 100x worse

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by corridor, Jun 14, 2009.

  1. corridor

    corridor New Member

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    Okay, long story with synopsis at the end if you don't have time to read. Just need to vent. And it's related to women.

    Ever since I broke off a very long term relationship a few years ago, I have been dating people in on/off relationships, a lot of them physical. Many times, people have fallen in love with me and I was not able to reciprocate because I still had issues over the break-up. Ironically, this seemed to lead to more and more women wanting to get physical with me even though I was pushing them away. I wound up hurting a lot of people's feelings and was getting nowhere in terms of finding a serious partner.

    Sometime around the beginning of this year, I got my shit together, moved to the city, and basically rebooted my life. I dropped all the fuck buddies and decided I was going to just date people until I met someone worthwhile, someone who could be my wife. I stopped having meaningless sex and concentrated on going out and having fun and enjoying cultural and athletic pursuits with my friends, and more serious dating where things didn't start at a bar and end up in bed.

    Then about a month ago I met someone who really just swept me off my feet. She and I had instant chemistry and before I knew it, we were head over heels in love. It has been so long since I felt love and that kind of mutual attraction, it completely took me off guard. She thought I was extremely handsome and sexy, and when I told her she was beautiful - and I really, really meant it - she told me she didn't think she was. Now I've been guilty in the past of saying utter bulllshit to women, but with her, everything I say, it's all 100% true. It's like a religious experience, seriously. We have loads more in common than any woman I've met in my life and I adore her like I've never known before. She is normally a cocktease with other men but clearly was caught up in it too, talking excitedly (and hypothetically - we were both careful) about marriage, kids, eternal love, etc. And I was totally OK with that. I could commit to her no problem.

    We held off getting physical until the fourth date, just to make it clear that I was interested in more than booty, and I was pretty much ready to reel her in. I have always been pretty confident in bed and just figured that if I used my usual skills that had made so many women fall in love with me before, she would be mine. But I guess age (I'm 35 but a triathlete in near-perfect shape), the months of not regularly screwing sex crazed fuck buddies, stress from my job in the poor economy, and the anxiety of falling in love for the first time in years all took their toll. In the heat of the moment, I just couldn't make it happen. Not just once, but twice. And I had no way to explain - just lame excuses and a head suddenly full of new doubts and fear. She took it as a sign that I am just not attracted to her, and nothing I could say or do seemed to help.

    Things seemed more or less over until we got half drunk one night and suddenly fucked like crazy - she came about half a dozen times (roommate had to leave the apartment from the screams - it was nuts) and I thought at last I am in the clear. It was wonder sex. She was soaking wet, she squealed with joy at my size when I put it in slowly, inch after inch, and I kept it going until we were both spent. It put us both into a lovey halo where we imagined what our children would look like. But when we tried again another night, no booze and the expectation of another all nighter, it didn't happen. I was distraught. She told me she thought she couldn't measure up to other women I'd been with - all I could say was that I'd go see a doctor immediately. Now in a perfect world, man and woman would take a step back and decide that what we have in common is bigger than a case of stage fright. But in the real world, it's awkward, and a fun killer, and the last thing a hot woman wants to hear is that her formerly sexy, swaggering, cocksure man is headed to sex therapy or needs Viagra before he has any gray hair.

    As a result of this drama, the spontaneous, passionate romance seems to have been killed. I know she has a high sex drive, and normally I do too, so her conclusion seems to be that I am not attracted enough to her. She has some self-esteem problems that go beyond those typical of hot women, but I thought I could help with that. Instead, I made it worse.

    After a week or so of really bad phone conversations (I'm SO bad over the phone), I can see it's over, and I feel like it's some kind of retribution for all the women I hurt... The fact is that I'm a solid guy who loves sex and when I finally found the woman I LOVED, it got ruined. Fuck it all.

    I feel like if there was some way to make her understand how I feel without telling her she needs therapy too, things could be fixed... I just want to perform naturally, without drugs, the way it always used to be, but I know it could take a while to find out what is wrong. In the meantime I wish I could understand how it is that women sometimes just can't believe that a nice, handsome guy could be into them, they have to assume the worst...

    I guess to make the short synopsis, it goes something like this: damaged goods gigolo who has been a complete CUNT to women renounces his ways and searches for true love. He finds it, big time, but gets stage fright. And crazily she blames herself for all the problems no matter what I say and do.
     
  2. oakwood

    oakwood New Member

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    Copy your post and paste in an email to her. That's it.

    Or you can say the same things to her. It is easy.
     
  3. IntoxicatingToxin

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    To be honest, I'd be concerned about getting involved with a woman whose self esteem was that bad! That's my first thought.

    But anywho. I don't know what to tell you! I like oakwood's idea. Just open your heart and soul to her, tell her everything you're thinking and feeling. I'd hate to think that a little bit of less-than-ideal sex could kill something so strong.
     
  4. MR.BLACK

    MR.BLACK Active Member

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    just tell her that all the anxiety and things shes going through your in the same place but want to work it out together . Tell her shes the first REAL women uve had in a while and thats why your so nervous
     
  5. Drifterwood

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    Make a deal with her. She helps you to deal with your commitment issue and you help her with her low esteem issue. Is that what you call complimentary medicine?
     
  6. dolfette

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    woman says, ''omg! i'm so ugly''
    man spends hour telling woman how wonderful she is.

    that, in dog training, is what we call 'reward' and 'creating a conditioned response'.

    do NOT pander to the ''i'm so ugly!'' crap. you will only make it worse.

    ...that's my only opinion on the whole debacle.
     
  7. badgirl22

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    I'm sorry you're experiencing stage fright. Must be very frustrating for you. While I can't imagine it being a relationship killer so quickly, I can understand, from a woman's point of view, how a man not being able to get erect with her would make her feel inadequate. We women often times do take it personally even if we don't have regular self esteem issues.

    I wish I knew her cause I'd slip her a copy of your post. But...on the other hand, given how you've expressed your feelings for her here, I'm shocked she can't tell how you feel in real life. Either you are horrible communicator, or she's just not paying attention, or, she likes drama and wants to feel badly. How can someone harbor feelings like that for another person and it not show in some way?

    I hope this turns out for the best for you. I really do.
     
  8. Drifterwood

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    Who told you to stop sucking? :tongue:
     
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