she think's im a sex god

Discussion in 'Fictitious Stories' started by lilkeezy88, May 7, 2010.

  1. lilkeezy88

    lilkeezy88 New Member

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    Me and my girlfriend had just met for the first time in two year's and she had experince with guy's who are [ bigger then me] So it's something new for me as my experince i was bigger then they past experince, Well we was chilling and watching a romantic movie we by ourself we started kissing and rubbing each other we started talking about it then we get my room started playing some slow song's and danceing then she srarted pushing me on my bed and started laughing alittle and feeling on me she takes her clothes off teaseing me she gets naked everything off except her panties i take my shirt off and pants off as she sees my big bulge she was surprise not that i was bigger but i was the most girthy she started to lap dance on me and rubbing her booty on my dick then turn around and started mkissing me she kiss my body and goes down and whips it out and start kissing it passionly and proceeds to suck it and oh my god the best head ever she almost sucked me into a coma then i came she swallows then we started kissing i kiss her neck rubbibg her big tits i go down takeing her panties off and kiss her sweet black juicy clit as i proceed to eat her out i went all out on her i spread her legs wide open as they can and eat her out as if the world was at the end she was screaming out my name real loud as i stick my tongue deeperer then i can she came fast in my mouth i swallowed it as i stick it in and fuck the shit out of her she was begging me to stop as it was getting to much but she begged for more as i proceeded to pound her i squeeze her tits so hard as i was fucking the shit out of her pussy it was started to get numb from how big and how hard i was giveing to her for 15 minutes then i turn her round and give it deeper in her ass and went crazy on her pull her hair she cum more and more for 10 minutes straight then she proceeded to ride me and she was like she was prosessed by a sex demon cayuse she was going faster n faster like obnormally and uncontrolably cumming more then i hold her tight and came inside her she started laying down as she couyld not walk nomore as she look at me and said *your a sex god* and the best i had we just kissed all through the night
     
  2. Elro

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    Ghaaah ! Paragraphs ! Punctuation ! Grammar ! Spelling ! Please ! This is illegible...
     
  3. Curious_cock

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    :frown1:You have just observed a product of the American education system in the 21st century - lots of emphasis on "diversity" - "environment".. "get in touch with your inner self"... "self-esteem"... "school is fun".. etc. Unfortunately, all of these "socially relevant" subjects, have come at the expense of grammar, spelling, and the ability to put together a coherent sentence.

    But, that's OK - when people work at McDonald's they just have to punch the colorful buttons on the cash register....

    I realize this post belongs in a different forum..but I just had to make the observation...
     
  4. Curiousguy01

    Curiousguy01 New Member

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    Why are people so hateful... no this is not a failure in education its a failure of an individual to want to punctuate, use grammar, or correct spelling. There are less than acceptable students everywhere in the world. Don't put it on American education even if we are less than where we want to be. And yes this post does belong somewhere else but it relevant here.
     
  5. NYCdude

    NYCdude Member

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    Yeah, curious cock that was one of the most moronic posts I've ever seen.
     
  6. Elro

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    Everyone is entitled to one's opinion... Let's not get carried away with why this story is badly written. It just is. And I've tried reading it again, and... Oh dear, it really really really is bad... The content is just bland short sex, nothing else, and the form is, as I've said, amazingly poor.
     
  7. lilkeezy88

    lilkeezy88 New Member

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    Lmao im sorry if i post it on a wrong section i saw make believe stories and figure i could try something
     
  8. B_Mademoiselle Rouge

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    No you didn't post it in the wrong section....you need to use paragraphs. I started to read it but got frustrated.
     
  9. t1ctac

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    I saw this about 10 minutes after it was posted, I didn't wanna be the first to "critique" it.

    GAH! Still there.
     
  10. MuTheta9

    MuTheta9 New Member

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    Ok,first let me say good on ya for having the balls to try your hand at writing. Let us not forget that even the best writers here started out with less than perfect stories their first few tries.



    Please don't take anything said in this forum to heart unless you get it in a PM from one of the moderators. Around the entire "WWW" you'll find people that don't want to give constructive criticisms, but just want to slam what they feel are badly written stories. These are the same people who will "flame" a post in a forum and usually cause newer writers to stop trying. The best advice I can give is try again, and maybe ask someone to proof it before you post it.



    In the Immortal words of the late Coach V..... "Don't give up! Don't EVER give up!"
     
  11. Preakness

    Preakness Member

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    Lets learn to walk before we run here. Forget about paragraphs, try including some full stops/periods next time.
     
  12. oregongtaper

    oregongtaper Member

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    OK, so did anyone else think that maybe the Georgia this writer is from might be closer to the Volga River than it is to Virginia? Honestly, I couldn't get through the first line.
     
  13. Knick

    Knick New Member

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    I dunno. Some readers here have a stodgy uptight notion of what language must be. I found this earthy and exciting, as if the author were writing it almost at the same time as doing it. He can't be bothered with full sentences, or proper grammar, or cutting off the dangling participles---the frantic language brings me closer to the event.

    Try the "Penelope" chapter of James Joyce's Ulysses -- or "The Color Purple" (the book, not the movie) and tell me the dialect or non-standard grammar isn't expressive.

    Drop your 'standards' and get more out of the language.
     
  14. Elro

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    "out of the language"... That's exactly it, Knick...
    This story is all out of language.

    However, I don't think the author was aiming at what you found in this story : The absence of style wasn't what he intended. When James Joyce uses weird words or bastardized english, he does so on purpose, and always makes it both legible and poetic. This was... Not.

    I'm a pretty open-minded guy, and I don't think proper punctuation or grammar is too much when using any kind of language.

    Still, if you liked the story, more power to you... And if lilkeezy88 can improve, more power to him. In the meantime, I feel compelled to point out that there's a LOT of room for improvement.
     
  15. Bane69

    Bane69 New Member

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    Knick, you are one optimistic person. I bet you have the ability to find the silver lining in any cloud, not that this is a bad thing. So I can see your point of the dialect and grammer being expressive, but for the love of god please at least break up seperate thoughts into seperate paragraphs or sentences.

    I normally don't respond to posts on here good or bad. I have sent a few emails to the writers. This story (along with other stories that have had the same complaint) is just one big rambling mess. I personally am horrible at proper spelling, grammer and punctuation, and normally don't care about it as long as the author breaks it up with a period or two and a paragraph and semi appropriate times.

    Maybe some of the better writers on here, like Veronica Devine, Badboy, or Elro (who posted in this thread), could vollenteer to make a generic guidelines/ suggestions post that could be stickied and locked that reminds prospective writers that (mostly) proper spelling, sentences, and paragraphs are a bare minimum of how much work should go into a public post.

    lilkeezy, please don't take the criticism on your attempt as a bad thing and give up. Most here are trying to make it constructive criticism. I like Elro have tried to read it, and just can't get thru it as written. Might I suggest you take your story as written and polish it up, and post it here so we can see your improvement.

    Some resources for you:
     
  16. webdude225

    webdude225 New Member

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    However true this post may be, the McDonald's comment is a little extreme. To hold a job there, the managers don't take shit. You have to work and be productive. If you can't keep up or what not, eventually the employee will be replaced. The stigma that McDonald's employees are "fuck ups" and all they do is "flip burgers" is not true. It takes a lot more than one thinks and is in reality much more complex than customers are lead to believe. Just saying. No disrespect meant :redface:
     
    #16 webdude225, May 9, 2010
    Last edited: May 9, 2010
  17. atlas23

    atlas23 Member

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    I got hard with ur story.. however, proofread your story for next time before you post :)
     
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