Should I discipline my lil cousins?

D_Jared Padalicki

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I don't think it was bad what you did, maybe you could do it less subtle, but sometimes kids need a hard hand so they see that they can't rule everything around them by screaming and crying.
As a cousin, you can help them growing up too, although just a little. If a total stranger, the kindergarten teacher, can do it, why not you too.
As long as you don't hit the kids and be unreasonable, you did well.
 

D_Hyacinth Harrytwat

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I don't think you were out of line at all! It's fine if she wants to pull that shit at home but she should understand that it's not ok with you. Kids are very quick learners and she'll develop respect for you but not for her own mother. I don't let bad behaviour happen under any circumstance. Even if it was her birthday, I would've done the same. Kids have no concept of actions and consequences and this is one way they'll learn.

Maybe it's just easier for me to say because it's not my spawn that would start crying if I showed them who's boss once in a while, but I do judge people by how bad their kids are.
 

D_Tim McGnaw

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I don't think it was bad what you did, maybe you could do it less subtle, but sometimes kids need a hard hand so they see that they can't rule everything around them by screaming and crying.
As a cousin, you can help them growing up too, although just a little. If a total stranger, the kindergarten teacher, can do it, why not you too.
As long as you don't hit the kids and be unreasonable, you did well.


I completely agree smacking kids even if you are their parents is normally out of line, and being fair and reasonable is the only way to deal with kids no matter who you are.
 

SomeGuyOverThere

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I've helped look after my cousin's kids before, and I have administered some discipline.

In my case, my cousins aren't very good parents to my second cousins, and neither is my aunt (their grandmother).

So I have dealt with them before - IMHO they are family and that gives you the authority to do something, and it's certainly right that the extended family has a role - my second cousins have learned that they don't get away with the shit with either me or my mother, and that's given them some authority figures in their life. (So much so that one of them asked if we could take him out for afternoons).

Individualism and independence is all well and good (well, according to some social theorists it isn't actually as it tends to lead to depression, but that's another story), but the "old fashioned" way was that the family as a whole brought up kids. And I personally think there's a lot to be said for it.

A word of advice though - kids, and human beings in general, don't learn from negative reinforcement (i.e. punishing bad behaviour), they learn mainly from positive reinforcement (i.e. getting things for being good). If a child is being obnoxious, the most powerful effect you can have on them is to simply ignore them.
 
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Rubenesque

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I guess I've been fortunate because even as a small child my daughter behaved beautifully whenever we were out. That's not to say she never had temper tantrums at home, but when out, perfect.

If, however, she had misbehaved I would be really pissed off if someone took it upon themself to discipline her, bang out of line as far as I'm concerned.

In the same situation I'd be more inclined to approach the parent of the child and like dolf said, if that didn't work I would never eat out with them again.
 
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Sergeant_Torpedo

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Just to be pedantic, the wee brat isn't your second cousin, she is your first cousin once removed. That established I concur you did teach the child a lesson and your mother should respect you for that. But your mother was embarrassed by your actions so I empathize with her. You did usurp the children's mother's authority; this is understandable, but it's not an excuse. If she is not a paragon of parenthood then it's just too bad.
 

danjs584

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what in the world does this have to do with a big penis?????????????????

Thank you, I was just about to ask that too!

With regard to this topic, I think it is highly inappropriate to discipline someone else's kids unless you are left in charge of them or you live in the same household. It is the responsibility of the parents/guardians to decide and enforce punishment, much like adults are subject to courts for determination of punishment for crimes. You can't decide what someone's punishment for a crime is just because you witnessed it. If you are trying to teach that you can't get away with this behavior in the "real world" you should also note that if a stranger at a restaurant was being obnoxious and you grabbed his/her food and threw it away, it would be you, not the obnoxious one being kicked out of the restaurant. Restaurants have "the right to refuse service to anyone." Although the situation is different because you are a member of the party causing the scene, the way one would normally handle an obnoxious customer would be to report it to the manager of the store. The manager can then decide if losing your business is worth not removing the obnoxious customer. Also, you can only change yourself, not others. If you don't like being with the 3 year old (whom I think you are being a little hard on) then don't go to dinner. Your cousin will have to decide if not disciplining her child is worth having other family members not want to be around her.

Finally, this seems like an awful lot of anger over a 3 year old's tantrum.
 

nubian

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Ok. Me, my mom and my extended family were eating at Outback Steakhouse. My cousins and their daughters (my second cousins) came too. they were like 3 and 4. I was happy to see all of them. But they were hyper and excited all night.

So I was sitting next to my baby cousin and she was being very fidgety and straight up rude to me. she was getting in the way of the waiters. I ask her if she would calm down and sit her chair. And she yelled out "NO!" and laughed at my face. So i ignored it for a while hoping that somebody else would deal with it. Nobody dealt with it and she kept getting worse. So I took the doggy bag box that she was coloring on from her and told her that if she doesn't calm down that she wouldn't get it back. So she went crying to her mom. I couldn't hear what her mom was saying to her, but my mom walked to me and told me to give it back to her. I said no and that she needs to sit her ass down.

So we all preceded out of the restaurant and and she's still trying to grab for her box. I told her to stop, but she wouldn't. Then I told her if you don't behave and say your sorry I'm going to throw you box in the trash. My mom got upset that I was talk to my cousin like that and told me not to throw it in the trash and give it back to her. My cousin didn't say anything but just rushed towards me..... So I just threw it in the trash.

She started balling and acted a nut in the street. All of us except for my mom started laughing at the situation. I gave my cousin's mother a dollar to replace the food I threw away that was in the box. I said bye to everybody and went home with my mom.

She was really upset that I did that to her. She said I don't have a right to do that. I was just trying to teach her that in life you don't always get your way by crying and complaining. Am I wrong for doing this?

You were in the right and your mom needs to chill. Your cousin didn't have an issue with it cause she knew her kid was being simple. I've never shied away from correcting children--related to me or not-- in the presence of their parents. Adults should be respected. Period.
 

D_Hyacinth Harrytwat

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With regard to this topic, I think it is highly inappropriate to discipline someone else's kids unless you are left in charge of them or you live in the same household....

He did try to ignore it and see if someone else would discipline her, but they didn't. That's when it became his business. Honestly he can refuse further invitations until the kids are a bit older at this point but it sounds like he had to try and deal with the situation right then and there. Throwing out another customer's food isn't even remotely related to the situation he was in, by the way. You're right that in that case you should speak to the restaurant's staff/manager, not go looking for a fist fight!


On a similar note:

What the hell is so wrong with disciplining children, anyway? What's this "only positive reinforcement" stuff? Ok maybe studies show that children learn best from positive reinforcement, but I'm sure that's learning numbers and alphabet and getting rewarded for doing that. Dogs learn best the same way but don't tell me that if you catch Fido tearing up the family photo albums that you're just going to ignore him until he stops. That's ludicrous.
 

galaxus

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Thank you, I was just about to ask that too!

With regard to this topic, I think it is highly inappropriate to discipline someone else's kids unless you are left in charge of them or you live in the same household. It is the responsibility of the parents/guardians to decide and enforce punishment, much like adults are subject to courts for determination of punishment for crimes. You can't decide what someone's punishment for a crime is just because you witnessed it. If you are trying to teach that you can't get away with this behavior in the "real world" you should also note that if a stranger at a restaurant was being obnoxious and you grabbed his/her food and threw it away, it would be you, not the obnoxious one being kicked out of the restaurant. Restaurants have "the right to refuse service to anyone." Although the situation is different because you are a member of the party causing the scene, the way one would normally handle an obnoxious customer would be to report it to the manager of the store. The manager can then decide if losing your business is worth not removing the obnoxious customer. Also, you can only change yourself, not others. If you don't like being with the 3 year old (whom I think you are being a little hard on) then don't go to dinner. Your cousin will have to decide if not disciplining her child is worth having other family members not want to be around her.

Finally, this seems like an awful lot of anger over a 3 year old's tantrum.

Like I explained before, there was no anger. I love my baby. I didn't do what I did because I was mad. I did it because I love her and wanted to teach her a lesson about life.
 

D_Jurgen Klitgaard

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Shit, if I had a acted up like that when I was a child, my ass would have been in a sling.

If you put the fear into a child so they don't act up again, they will grow up to be more respectful and responsible and not grown up brats. I know it's more in fashion today for parents to be their child's best buddy, but you've gotta be firm when you need to be firm and not give in to them. And that doesn't mean that you have to go all out and just beat the shit out of your kids. That's a sure way to get them taken from you. But don't give them everything they want and not say NO! Kids need to hear that word more often.
 

hud01

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Thank you, I was just about to ask that too!

With regard to this topic, I think it is highly inappropriate to discipline someone else's kids unless you are left in charge of them or you live in the same household. It is the responsibility of the parents/guardians to decide and enforce punishment, much like adults are subject to courts for determination of punishment for crimes. You can't decide what someone's punishment for a crime is just because you witnessed it. If you are trying to teach that you can't get away with this behavior in the "real world" you should also note that if a stranger at a restaurant was being obnoxious and you grabbed his/her food and threw it away, it would be you, not the obnoxious one being kicked out of the restaurant. Restaurants have "the right to refuse service to anyone." Although the situation is different because you are a member of the party causing the scene, the way one would normally handle an obnoxious customer would be to report it to the manager of the store. The manager can then decide if losing your business is worth not removing the obnoxious customer. Also, you can only change yourself, not others. If you don't like being with the 3 year old (whom I think you are being a little hard on) then don't go to dinner. Your cousin will have to decide if not disciplining her child is worth having other family members not want to be around her.

Finally, this seems like an awful lot of anger over a 3 year old's tantrum.
I have no idea what you said, since I won't read anything which isn't broken up into paragraphs.
 

sexplease

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were you wrong? well, there is no correct answer to that, suffice to say: a child acts as a child. When their self-serving interests are piqued and assuaged by behaviors they find pleasurable, they learn and grow. Hopefully towards acceptable societal expressions of their creative forte.
until then, spare the rod- spoil the child and the passive/aggressive "parent."