Should I reach-out to my ex?

chiley

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Not so short history lesson:

I was in a monogamous relationship (mostly per his request) for more than three years. After two years we got engaged and moved-in together.

Once we moved in together, I noticed him starting to change. Within a few months, I noticed small little details he told me in the past weren’t adding up, and after it was too late, I discovered he was pretty much a pathological liar. He had two phones, which I didn’t think anything of, until he forgot to silence it one day and a grindr notification popped up. He initially tried to claim that it was old, but then fessed up. I asked him if he no longer wanted to be monogamous and he insisted that we stay monogamous, and he was just using grindr to get off because porn didn’t do it for him. I wasn’t exactly angry but I wasn’t thrilled either. He deleted the app and I thought that was that.

A few months later I had left for work but forgot my work keys so turned around and arrived at home to basically find someone waiting at our door for a hookup with him. The guy saw me and awkwardly bailed to his car and took off. My fiancé opened door to see me much to his surprise and began crying and acting dramatic, etc. Again, I was more angry at the fact that he lied to me and that he had a double-standard. Again he insisted that we stay monogamous and I foolishly thought that meant we would. After all almost “cheating” isn’t “cheating.” At least that’s what I told myself.

Near the end of our relationship, we began fighting a lot. Our lease was ending and we were looking for a new place. Both of my parents ended up in the hospital that summer, so I decided to move back home temporarily to help in their recovery. He agreed to it and began looking for a place for us. Of course as soon as my parents started getting better I broke my foot and wasn’t able to do much moving for about 12 weeks. Right when all of this was going on, he decided to go to Pride in another state with a bunch of his friends. I stupidly didn’t think much of this, but was kind of hurt that he didn’t invite me. I found out when he got back that he “shared a bed but didn’t have sex with” one of his friends. I didn’t know whether to believe him or not because of all his lying. I finally left him a month later when he told me he put down money on a house that I hadn’t even seen, yet alone even knew about. It’s not exactly a partnership if one partner is making life-changing decisions without communicating with the other.

A few days after I left him, he asked if we could work on things. I told him to take some time and decide if he really willing to put in the work to rebuild my trust. He never got back to me…

I never bothered reaching out because I just figured no answer meant he was not willing to put in the work. We basically just lost touch. But over the three years we were together some our friends and families became friends and acquaintances. So I found out through them that less than two months after leaving him, he was now in a relationship with the guy he “shared a bed with” at Pride. I figured he either moved on very quickly or I never really meant anything to him and I was just filling-in a role that he wanted in his life. Tough pill to swallow but that’s life sometime.

Now it’s been a little over two years since I left him and my friends informed me that he just got engaged. My question is, based on the history I provided, do I reach out and congratulate him? Or just not say anything at all and leave the past in the past.

I’m struggling with this because I feel like I didn’t get proper closure. My sadness for being “betrayed” and losing trust in someone I loved eventually evolved into anger, and who the hell needs that? I ultimately suppressed it for the most part and tried to move on, but every now and then the thoughts pop back up…
 

Andrue

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Leave it be. You don't need more drama and it seems that relationship was full of it, hidden from sight as it may have been at the time.

He fucks around on you and says "No, we need to be monogamous!" then fucks around again. Lather, rinse, repeat... This isn't someone you need to let back into your life if he's that dishonest to HIMSELF, let alone you.

Send his new BF/Husband some telepathic "thoughts and prayers", hoping he has his shit together enough to not let your ex run him around like he did you.
Or not, it's their mess to figure out, not yours.

If you ever happen to cross paths again in a few years, just run into him on the street somewhere, be casually friendly, ask how he's been, say "It was nice to see you!" after exchanging a pleasantry or two, then carry on to wherever you were going.

Put that whole period into the dust bin, keeping only a couple of good memories to think of now and then (preferably mostly "then") and work on your own romantic life so you find a better catch next time and displace this ex dude from your memory bucket.

He's moved on, you should too. Turn the page and don't return to that chapter any more.
 

Brodie888

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Speaking to him won't give you closure. It will just open old wounds.

Based on what you have written, he was doin' you dirty for a long time. He knew it, it wasn't an accident. He had you for security at home while he was out having a double life. Confronting him with this won't change anything. He rationalized his choices long ago.

He will just make you feel bad with his excuses. That will go on and on in your head until you let go. Do yourself a favor and let go now and skip the drama.

Just feel sorry for the poor guy he's engaged to and move on. Be thankful it didn't cost you any more than it did.

The best revenge is to be happy and keep him out of your thoughts.
 
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funguy9988

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My recommendation is to not contact him and spend some time researching the traits and characteristics of a “covert narcissist”. Your ex may exhibit many of these behaviors and you didn’t realize it during your relationship.

Reaching out will only result in bad feelings for you and you’ll spend another few years ruminating over the relationship and wondering what went wrong.
 

ILoveGames48

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I’d just let it go .. I agree with one persons comment about opening up old wounds..


If it was me I’d let it go.. the more you think about it the more likely you will say something to him and it will look like you are trying to make them break up…

Don’t show him he has this grip still over you.. you find your Mr right and live your life .. be happy
 
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Vertigo1814

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Leave it and unfollow him on social media and ask friends/mutual friends not to keep you updated on his life. Nothing good can come of it and you won’t get the closure you’re looking for. Move on.
 
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