Should I stay or should I go?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by rob_just_rob, Jun 8, 2007.

  1. rob_just_rob

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 2, 2005
    Messages:
    6,037
    Likes Received:
    9
    Location:
    Nowhere near you
    I'm just throwing this out there for some random thoughts that don't need to constitute "advice".

    I have a female friend who I see frequently, usually in a particular social setting. She has another male friend who she also sees in that same social setting. I'm on good terms with him, he's a decent guy.

    The dynamic in the particular social setting is as follows: She talks with him, and then talks with me. Or she talks with me and then talks with him. Very occasionally, we chat as a group. He will not-infrequently make joking (at least, they seem joking) comments to the effect of "I'll chat with her when you're done" or "she's a very popular girl".

    (Still with me?)

    She and I are friends outside of the social setting in which we usually meet. She and he are also friends outside that same social setting. I see her strictly as a friend - not romantically. I have no idea of his intentions.

    (and now, the point)

    She has invited me to join her and him on a minor excursion that the two of them will be going on, tomorrow. I gather that this is something that the two of them have been talking about for a while. She repeated the invitation more than once, so it appears to be a sincere one.

    I tend to think that it would be bad form of me to accept this invitation. Regardless of anyone's intentions, I don't want to horn in on some previously-planned event. I also don't want him to think I'm trying to cockblock him. Still, I'm not quite clear on how to tell her no without being rude, and am also unclear on her motives for asking me (she has always socialized with the two of us separately).
     
  2. Gillette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2006
    Messages:
    8,309
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    14
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Nova Scotia
    If you're not interested in the destination, I think that's all you really need to say.
     
  3. dreamer20

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2006
    Messages:
    4,492
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    N.Providence
    Go on the outing rob and have fun with your friends.

    She would stay in if she wanted to make out.:wink:
     
  4. earllogjam

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2006
    Messages:
    5,027
    Likes Received:
    21
    Sounds like it will be an uncomfortable outing since you don't know him very well, nor care to. Is she is trying to hook you two up?

    If she is not a romantic interest and you don't find him very interesting don't go. It won't ruin your friendship. If you do decide to go you need to tell him up front that you are not romantically interested in her and you are straight to clear up any weirdness. "Oh Susan, what a great friend- she doesn't know my girlfriend though..."

    I forgot how complicated the straight world can be. This would clearly be an invitation for a threeway in the gay world.
     
  5. canuck_pa

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2007
    Messages:
    2,198
    Likes Received:
    124
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Beautiful Vancouver Canada
    If you know him well enough and have his phone number call him that is you want to go. Ask him if you'd be cramping his style if you went.
     
  6. chesz001

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2006
    Messages:
    250
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Manila
    Verified:
    Photo
    If you reallly dont wanna go or think you could ruin the situation for both of them then tell her..but first you need to know what she really up to,i mean maybe she wants to set you up for someone like blind date or something..it wouldnt be rude if you ask her what really is the big deal around,right?ask her nicely.besides,itll be easy coz shes your friend and you feel nothing towards her.
     
  7. biguy2738

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2007
    Messages:
    2,356
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    11
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Johannesburg, South Africa
    Perhaps she's trying to ease tensions by trying to create a situation where the two of you are able to get to know each other better. Why not talk to her about it? You don't have to in into great detail. Merely ask why she'd like you to accompany them. As her if he knows. Then express the fact that you don't feel very comfortable because you don't want to interfere with what he may have in mind. This way you are able to be honest, but she also is led to be a bit up front about her intentions. Good luck.
     
  8. Matthew

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2005
    Messages:
    8,374
    Likes Received:
    162
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California
    Guess it's no surprise the responses clash, rob.:biggrin1:

    *groan*
     
  9. D_alex8

    D_alex8 Member

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2005
    Messages:
    8,602
    Likes Received:
    11
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Germany
    My philosophy, as always, remains... that the answer already lies within the question.

    The fact you feel sufficient doubt and discomfort to have started a thread about this matter tells you all you need to know imho. :rolleyes:
     
  10. rob_just_rob

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 2, 2005
    Messages:
    6,037
    Likes Received:
    9
    Location:
    Nowhere near you
    I'm pleased that the solution isn't as obvious as I thought it might be.
     
  11. jeff black

    jeff black <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2006
    Messages:
    11,866
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    CANADA

    Isn't it though?

    The lady sounds like someone who enjoys constant attention, likes to be the centre of attention with people. Perhaps she has small crushes on both of you. Anyways, maybe the idea of being with just one guy for an extended period of time isn't exactly something she is intrigued about, so she invites you in hopes that you will tag along and offer a buffer between her and him.

    Or maybe she just likes being in this threesome.
     
  12. Blocko

    Blocko Member

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2007
    Messages:
    703
    Likes Received:
    0
    Have you considered that maybe she wants you to cockblock? Maybe she's worried the other man is taking the trip to mean more than it is and she wants you there to put the breaks on the situation without hurting his feelings.
     
  13. IntoxicatingToxin

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2006
    Messages:
    10,133
    Likes Received:
    152
    Now I have the Clash stuck in my head. :rolleyes: I think you should just do what feels right. Declining her invitation isn't rude.
     
  14. Gillette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2006
    Messages:
    8,309
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    14
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Nova Scotia
    Or the question for that matter.


    You're only responsible for keeping one person happy. You.

    "No" is a complete sentence.
    "No, thank you" is a gentler version.
     
  15. basketbulge

    basketbulge Member

    Joined:
    Jul 30, 2004
    Messages:
    372
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    17
    Location:
    Canada
    I have a friend who thinks all his pockets of friends should be able to come together and mix as perfectly as the individual relationships he has on his own. Whether it's a threesome like Rob has described, or a dinner party of 20, as the common denominator and centre of attention, he can't fathom why the same comfort and chemistry wouldn't automatically be there for everyone in the room. Rob, your friend might be like this as well, but I suspect she has a different agenda going on.
     
  16. earllogjam

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2006
    Messages:
    5,027
    Likes Received:
    21
    I have been the third wheel in this kind of situation. Boy, if looks could kill, it was in this outing. I have never seen daggers so sharp coming out of a person's eyes towards me.

    Rob, don't leave all of us hanging. Spill.
     
  17. rob_just_rob

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 2, 2005
    Messages:
    6,037
    Likes Received:
    9
    Location:
    Nowhere near you
    Well, I'm still here, so I'm not going.

    @Alex8: That comment makes me feel like Ralph Macchio. Although you are probably right. :cool:

    @earllogjam earlier comment: There's just about 0% chance she's trying to hook us up. :rofl:

    @black, jeff: I would agree, except that she's willingly socialized with me one-on-one for several hours at a time in the past. And with him too, AFAIK.

    @Blocko: Perhaps, but if that's the case, she's gonna have to tell him that herself. Otherwise it's just a mind game.

    @TMM: When I created this thread, I tagged it "Joe Strummer" :biggrin1:

    @Gillette: I'm with you on that. I have finally learned that lesson after too many years of being all things to all people and nothing to myself.

    @b-bulge: I'm pretty sure he would be uncomfortable, and I'm pretty sure I would be uncomfortable. I am not at all sure of her agenda.

    @earllogjammin* later comment: I hate being a third wheel more than anything. If I am ever sent to a CIA prison, my worst fear is that they will send me out to have dinner with different couples, night after night.

    @everyone else and all of the above: Thanks for the advice. As usual, inertia has played a big part in my decision - I'm sitting at home posting at LPSG.

    * now I'm thinking of the Karl Hungus movie in The Big Lebowski
     
Draft saved Draft deleted