I've had toxic family members that I, and my family have had to sever all relations with and one who we limit contact with due to her constant bickering and fighting. It was not pleasant, but we felt we had no choice for our own mental health and well being. Physical safety was not a direct issue, but one never knows when it could be. Our goal was to keep conflicts to a minimum or eliminate them and be able to enjoy holidays and family gatherings in peace. I can't begin to know why some people act the way they do or how to treat a person with serious mental illness when they reject mental health care and stop medicating. It is difficult and at times I feel as if I failed in the relationship but we had to save ourselves - that I have not regretted - ever.
What other word would you use then to describe people like this?
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No, as I mentioned previously, he doesn't live with my sibling, but he does live with her ex (his father). I agree with your last 2 statements. I'm doing this to protect me and my wife from his abusive and aggressive behavior. I have made it clear to my sibling and her husband that this is my home that he is not welcome here anymore. As I mentioned in my OP, I know that there are serious mental health issues going on, but I'm not the one that needs to be convinced of this.
Just to repeat the old cliché, “you don’t have to like them (or put up with them) just because they are kin to you.
Absolutely agree.
It is obvious that you don’t want to hurt you sibling and you are sad that the nephew seems to be harming family harmony. But your sibling should also recognize and support the consequences of the nephew’s negative actions.
She hasn't responded to me about this.
Has the individual received any kind of counseling or professional help?
I don't think so. He has always been troubled, but it is getting worse.
Do you have any idea where the source of his conflict might come from?
No idea at all.
Is there anyone that the troubled individual gets along with that might work with him?
No, he fights with everyone. He is also horrible towards his parents and brother. He has no friends, and his last girlfriend dumped him a year ago.
Absolutely agree.
It is obvious that you don’t want to hurt you sibling and you are sad that the nephew seems to be harming family harmony. But your sibling should also recognize and support the consequences of the nephew’s negative actions.
She hasn't responded to me about this.
Has the individual received any kind of counseling or professional help?
I don't think so. He has always been troubled, but it is getting worse.
Do you have any idea where the source of his conflict might come from?
No idea at all.
Is there anyone that the troubled individual gets along with that might work with him?
No, he fights with everyone. He is also horrible towards his parents and brother. He has no friends, and his last girlfriend dumped him a year ago.
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To use another cliché, “distance makes the heart grow fonder”.
So unless things change, that is the best you can do for you sibling and he son. It is a somewhat softer way of saying that the family’s best relationship, with him will be had when he is somewhere else.
So unless things change, that is the best you can do for you sibling and he son. It is a somewhat softer way of saying that the family’s best relationship, with him will be had when he is somewhere else.
I've had to do this. Twice. I have no advice. It is hard and can be extremely painful for both. Eventually you will tire and do something out of desperation, which mostly likely will lead to you cutting that person off, finally.
Anton565
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I have dysfunctional family members who've shunned me and tell extended family and friends that I've shunned them....
It's a different situation but (IMO) they share a commonality in that neither of us have any ability to affect the situation beyond protecting ourselves and immediate family. Regardless of what happens, we're not participants.
You're not responsible for other people's denial of reality. Nor should you tolerate any conversation that even suggests that the dysfunction your nephew is causing can be addressed by talking with you.
It's a different situation but (IMO) they share a commonality in that neither of us have any ability to affect the situation beyond protecting ourselves and immediate family. Regardless of what happens, we're not participants.
You're not responsible for other people's denial of reality. Nor should you tolerate any conversation that even suggests that the dysfunction your nephew is causing can be addressed by talking with you.
It has already happened. People who know me, know that I mean what I say. It is painful mostly because I don't want to hurt my sibling.
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Thanks for this suggestion. TBH, I have always known that he's mentally ill, but I didn't know what it was. I Googled how to know if someone is schizophrenic, and he fits the mold perfectly. I showed it to another family member that feels the same way about him that I do, and they agreed that this is most likely the case. The reality is though that with him now out of my life, my sibling in denial and constantly saying she doesn't want to get involved (and even if she wasn't in denial, she can't force him to get treatment) nothing will change. Shunning him is the only thing I can do to protect my wife and I from his insanity.
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You might want to pull up your own insurance card, and check the back for a mental health number to call. If there is one, call them, explain the situation, and ask if they have any recommendations as to how to proceed with getting a family member into treatment. Similarly, you can call the referral service line for a local psychiatric hospital. None of these are great alternatives, but it would be a start.
If he is schizophrenic and paranoid perhaps his mother should not be the one to get him psychiatric help. Think of it this way - if you were in that kind of state, how paranoid and angry would it make you feel if those closest to you were trying to get you put in the nut house? I do have paranoid schizophrenic family members, but they are ill. They are not the ones I would happily never speak to again. Perhaps if you try to gain a better understanding of schizophrenia and particularly paranoia, you will be able to let go of the self-righteous indignation. If he is mentally ill you cannot take it all personally. It would be reasonable to limit what you do put up with just for your own sanity, but would you really consider it reasonable or decent to completely exclude him from your life if he had any other kind of illness? You have already said that you think he is a danger mostly to himself, rather than others, and the same is true of most mentally ill people. "There but for the grace of god..." as my grandmother used to say.
I realize that you are angry at the moment, but I think you are being a total thundercunt.
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In my family there was one " toxic " member . This individual was a brooding , detached , alcohol and drug ( lsd , speed , pills , cocaine , hashish , opium , cannabis , ecstasy , morphine etc ) using , hair trigger tempered , and generally crazy character , who also had heaps of automatic weapons , pump action shot guns etc . The fact that no-one was killed , is down to luck , simple as that . That person was me . I lost my family , most of my friends , and fell in with others like me . How i am still alive , and relatively articulate , is beyond me , because i should have been dead a long , long , time ago . After my car accident , i was given another chance so to speak , so i slowly but surely reigned in my habits and behaviors . Have been straight , lucid , and trustworthy for a long time now , the return of a lot of friends , and most of my family are testament to that . I have done a lot of "ruthless house cleaning " in regard to friends , and all "toxic " elements are gone , never to return . It has to be that way , because i know the territory , top to bottom , east to west , and everywhere in between , and don't ever want "toxicity " in my world again . The " hair trigger temper remains , but that is reserved for bullies , rude , inconsiderate , thieving , people , and those generally described as assholes .
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How fucking dare you! You have NO idea what I and the rest of my family have put up with for the last 23 years. I am not the only one in my family that feels this way about him. Where in the hell did you get "self righteous indignation" from? I am simply protecting myself and my wife (who happens to be TERRIFIED of him by the way because he has access to guns and has put his brother in the hospital before) from his abuse. You are a judgmental ignorant asshole and a "thundercunt" of the highest magnitude. If you don't have anything constructive to add, why don't you just fuck off? I'm guessing by this totally unprovoked and irrational attack on me you are schizophrenic yourself. Where did I say that I was going to have my sister put my nephew in the "nut house" as you so crassly and ignorantly phrased it? One last thing, you nor I are psychiatrists, so there is no way that either of us can definitively say that this is the case. It's a THEORY that was proposed by another member. You are jumping to all kinds of conclusions about my nephew and I, and passing judgement without full knowledge of the situation. If anything, you are the one full of self righteous indignation, not me. You are such a hypocrite and an asswipe to boot!
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People think that family is more important than sanity and safety. Slap the bitch in the face and while you’re at it include the parents. You made the right choice.
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Which is precisely why I suggested he get in touch with the local mental health authorities to discuss possible options. Physicians in Georgia can involuntarily commit PATIENTS to a mental hospital for up to 72 hours for evaluation. I guess the police can probably do something similar, but you literally have to catch these folks first. This is a nasty ball of wax, and frankly, I don't see any viable options for AG to pursue, other than to keep this nut job away from his family.
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