Shyness, in need of advice.

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by D_Will_Power, Sep 16, 2007.

  1. D_Will_Power

    D_Will_Power New Member

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    I have a problem with shyness. Especially talking to women. I just find it really difficult introducing myself to people and on the whole talking to people. Last night was case in point. Last night I met this woman. A friend of mine introduced us. I really liked her and I think she liked me. But I just could not bring myself to talk to her. The more I wanted to talk to her the more I felt my stomach go into a knot.

    When I pluck up the courage to talk to people I feel I make an idiot of myself.

    Does anyone else on here suffer from shyness? I really want to overcome this shyness but I don't know how.

    Thanks
     
  2. viking1

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    Yes, I suffer from shyness. I have no idea how to overcome it either.
     
  3. 36DD

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    I used to be very shy, I still am to a degree. How I deal with it is to pretend I'm not shy by making the first move to start a conservation, get someone else to talk about themselves and that way you don't feel like the attention is on you until you feel more comfortable.
     
  4. IntoxicatingToxin

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    I think the only way to really get over shyness is to just talk to people. Get over it, kinda. Just do it... and you'll realize that it's really not all that bad, and you'll gradually get less and less nervous about it.
     
  5. No_Strings

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    I honestly think that you just have to hold your breath and dive in anyway.
    I'm quite a shy person until I get to know someone, and it used to be almost crippling when I was younger.

    It's not about trying to prepare yourself, it's about doing it in spite of being unprepared. It's hard to do, I won't deny it - there's no easy way to 'conquer' shyness.
     
  6. B_ScaredLittleBoy

    B_ScaredLittleBoy New Member

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    Being drunk helps. I'm usually shy too but I woke up Friday and just said 'Fuck, I look damn sexy'. And had a great day/night. Its about positivity.

    Just think, she's probably as shy as you are
    The worst that can happen is she walks away. And you have about ten other women in the room to choose from.

    Barmaids are good choice (lol) they're sociable and if you hang around them, you get to know them, crack a few jokes etc. I make innuendo CONSTANTLY which at least this barmaid seems to like. Bite the bullet and say hi.

    Best to just say 'nice top' or 'I saw you looking, is my fly undone again?' or some shit. I've never actually said to a girl 'I like you, you look hot/pretty etc'.

    Stuff just happens. And its all about your attitude! All I did was wear my hair (??) a different way and styled my facial hair.

    Good luck!! Its all in the mind. Just tell yourself you're hot shit and look at it as PRACTICE not some life or death thing (talking to a girl). They don't bite.
     
  7. sneakyd

    sneakyd New Member

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    I hope there'll be some good advice on this thread , as I'll be taking notes .
    I hate being shy in the real world , you miss out on so many opportunities/experiences .
     
  8. Mem

    Mem
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    I tend to be shy also. I find that time makes you bolder. As you get older you get more assertive and less shy.

    Even when I go to vacation at a gay resort I never talk to anyone before they talk to me. I've met many nice people that talk to me first, such as when I am in the pool.

    I find that when I am with friends I am not so shy to meet new people, because I am in a comfortable situation.

    I can tell you not to be shy, but that won't help. You have to find what works for you, on your own.
     
  9. whatireallywant

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    I'm VERY shy in real life. I still have no idea how to start a conversation, although I can join a conversation once it starts.

    And for the record, saying to me "You're so quiet!" is NOT a good ice-breaker! It is a sure way to get me to totally clam up and want to go run off to a dark corner and hide! Putting me on the spot to say something, just for the sake of saying something, makes me extremely uncomfortable. I prefer conversations to be naturally flowing, rather than being coerced to say something (in which case my mind totally draws a blank and I have absolutely no idea what to say!)

    I do well at small group activities, and certain topics of conversation. I am looking for a permanent job, so career talk is always a good choice. Of course, if you get me on the topics of world music or indie rock, I will talk your ear off! :biggrin1: I get uncomfortable if the topic is politics or something like that though, since I have been around a lot of people who have been outwardly hostile to my views.
     
  10. B_johnschlong

    B_johnschlong New Member

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    I'd go with the "get drunk" technique.

    1. Get drunk heavily in a first phase. At the bar, don't forget to take the little note out of your pocket which reads "Now go talk with the sexiest girl around". You will get a laugh-kick out of yourself. And you'll start talking. You may get slapped, but that's good.

    2. Next weekend, repeat the above, only make sure you have drunk a bit less.

    3. Continue with this routine, until you need only one glass of beer or wine.

    Eventually you'll get there. :wink:

    Also, remember this: most women think shy men are somehow "interesting", a mystery to be uncovered, etc... So take that as a compliment, and do keep some of your shyness.

    Good luck. :smile:
     
  11. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    I have a hard time understanding this. There are 18 pieces of evidence that contradict what you're saying. The internet is a different surely, but you are good looking and have a great smile that's very attractive. How can someone like you be so shy when I imagine people would gravitate to you naturally? I see it here too. You're outgoing, humorous, and good-natured here on LPSG. There's no way I can imagine you being a wall flower at any party. I equate shyness with appearance issues more than anything so when I you say you're shy, I just add-up what I know about you and just can't get the columns to balance.

    If you say that you are shy then I'll believe you because I trust you. I don't think you're lying. It's just so hard to imagine how it can be true from my point of view.
     
  12. JustAsking

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    The best advice I can give is to remember that people love talking about themselves. So instead of trying to think of something to say, look for an opening to get the other person talking about themself.

    The way to do that really effectively is to actually be interested. Relax and listen closely to the person, and get yourself very interested. Make eye contact, lean forward a bit and prompt the person along with more questions as they slow down.

    There is an odd quirk in human nature that the if you spend most of a conversation listening and asking questions, the other person will remember you as a really interesting person and a good conversationlist.
     
  13. Calboner

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    Shyness is an unbelievable waster of human life. Its costs are enormous, and not only to the person who is shy, but also to those who are close to him or her. Worse, shyness often comes across to others as haughtiness or coldness. E.g., the shy person, when leaving a gathering, tends to think, "No one will notice if I leave, so I won't go saying good-bye to people -- that would be too self-important." And then after he has gone, other people say, "Where's So and So? He left without even saying good-bye? What a jerk!" All this is just to say: yes, you should work on doing something about it, and keep on working on it for all the rest of your days, because any slackening in the struggle will cost you.

    I say all this on the basis of observation of my own case. I wish I could offer some pointers, but I could do with a few myself. I think that 36DD's advice is the best given so far [edited to add: I wrote that before JustAsking's excellent advice appeared in another post]: pretend (in some particular situation or other) not to be shy. I have managed to do that sometimes. Like most shy people, I am shy in some situations and not in others, so it is a matter of trying to behave in the shy-making situations as if one were in a non-shy-making situation.

    On the other hand, making that work when the situation is getting a conversation going with a person of potential sexual interest is quite a tall order. To pretend not to be shy, you have to have things to say. That is hard to do when your brain is paralyzed by shyness, and all that comes out of your mouth are things that make you appear nerdy or weird or questions that don't give the other person any opportunity to say anything interesting. (Numerous painful memories attach themselves to these words in my mind.)

    I am doubtful of JohnSchlong's recommendation -- the "get drunk" technique. I would say that it is very risky. A bit of alcohol can certainly help loosen one's tongue and calm one's fears in some situations, but it can also make one babble stupidly and boringly.

    Jason_els, I have found your posts to be among the most thoughtful on this forum, but in this instance I don't understand what you are saying to No_Strings. You seem to be saying that having an attractive appearance somehow "contradicts" claims of being shy. I don't see what the two have to do with each other. Shyness is no lighter a burden for those who are well-favored than it is for the less well-favored.
     
  14. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    You have all given great tips and ones that I use all the time. I do like to have a drink or two in social situations. Knowing how to drink to maintain just the right level of relaxation is important.

    I guess what I'm asking is how do people with great personalities and good looks become shy? How can they even be shy? I am shy around people I don't know at all but good with friends and family OR, oddly enough, public speaking. I know I'm no elephant man, but I don't think I'm particularly attractive or have a great smile or a sparkling personality. My sense of humor tends to the ironic and takes some getting used to. Given those factors, I don't think it strange that I am shy. I look at someone like No_Strings and I see a friendly, bright, good-looking guy with a fun sense of humor and an exhibitionist streak. He seems like he should be the life of the party to me and I'm baffled to understand how he is shy or what causes it.
     
  15. lafever

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    I`ve been chased all my life by women and i`m still trying to understand why, they`ll say; you`re cute or handsome. All that does is shy me away.

    I was told when i was a kid if it sounds too good to be true chances are it is. So in a way that statement kinda beat me down.

    All my life i`ve been told things that beat me down, after awhile you start to believe these things. Especially when kids are cruel, that kind of stuff sticks with you until you learn to cut it off like bad parts on an apple.

    To get to what was asked about getting over shyness, all i can give you is my experience strength and hope on this, no theories.

    What`s helped me the most is finding friends and hanging out with them and having a good time instead of concentrating on what i don`t have i learn to enjoy what i do have.

    I`ve attracted more women by being myself and having a good time with my friends, and they are just that, only friends. When i`m having a good time instead of coming onto someone thats what attracts the laddies.

    A women does not want a player, she`s tired of the game, the ones that do like players you need to run and run as fast as you can away from them.

    The more experienced women, which is just a women who knows what she already wants, is watching.

    This is important so never forget; you can`t be watched if your pursuing.

    Let the laddies pursue you.

    This takes alot of patience on your part, but the rewards are worth the wait.

    lafever

    p.s. What i`m trying to tell you is that you`re trying to get rid of the very thing that will attract women, shyness.
     
  16. B_bicepguy

    B_bicepguy New Member

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    Shyness does ease with age. Recognizing it, and having a few witty lines/small chat ready are simple strategies to use to break the ice

    Beware the demon drink - yes it fixes shyness but then you have to cope with the monster in your bed the next day!

    We're all shy, and hide it in different ways. The loudest, most self confidant people are often the shyest - their "front" is their ability to deal with it.

    And for many women, the cute shy guy in the corner is the prize, not the loud oaf at the bar, holding court?
     
  17. Calboner

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    Hmm, I think the OP is straight and seeking help dealing with the ladies rather than the laddies.

    (Yes, I know that it was just a typing error, but how could I let that pass? :tongue:)
     
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