shyness

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by Axcess, Jul 13, 2008.

  1. Axcess

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    Reading about shyness in another thread and being a shy guy myself I wonder what could be the reasons of shyness . People are born that way ? Overprotection from the parents ? Any other reason ?
     
  2. Mem

    Mem
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    I thought I was shy too, till I read this:

    What is shyness?


    • Shyness is when children do not join in with others but they would like to.
    • It can mean:
      • not speaking to others, even when asked a direct question
      • not taking part in games and activities
      • not going into places such as the school playground unless they are with someone they know
      • being very embarrassed if they get attention - even good attention.
     
  3. Axcess

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    Shyness isn't the same to all people . Some are more shy than others .
     
  4. Mem

    Mem
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    I've always been shy when entering a new situation. As I got older I got more bold and less shy. I still have problems with some social situations such as wedding or funerals and do not like to attend them alone. So I use my sister or father as a crutch.

    My sister has a nephew (on her husband's side) who was painfully shy. To the point where he wold cling to his mother and hide behind her instead of playing with the other kids at a Birthday party. Last time I saw him he was about 12 and he had grown out of it.
     
    #4 Mem, Jul 13, 2008
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2008
  5. hypoc8

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    I tend to think we are born that way. I'm a shy person, I hate being in the spotlight, I prefer to be in the background somewhere.

    I guess this goes hand-in-hand with being introverted \ extroverted.

    The one thing I hate about being shy is always being reminded of it by others, like there's something wrong with me. It gets tiresome hearing "What's wrong, you're so quite" or "do you ever talk". I don't guess people can ever figure out that maybe I don't have anything to say at the time.

    I often wonder how they would react if I responded "boy, do you ever shut up"?

    Just be yourself.
     
  6. ZOS23xy

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    Shyness can be pathological and I think inherited. I knew of a man, since deceased who never married, never came close. His boosted his courage with drink and wasn't any better about it.

    He was from a old Fashioned Roman Catholic family. He had five sisters, all who became nuns.

    I'd say this suggests something genetic.
     
  7. Meniscus

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    I can relate. I'm an active listener, but not much of a talker. I enjoy sitting with a group and listening to the conversation, but generally don't have anything to say myself. It takes me a while to ponder and process what people say. It's often the case that by the time I think of anything to contribute, the conversation has long since moved on to something else.

    I laughed so loud when I read that I think the neighbors were looking out the window to see what was going on. (Because, you know, I'm usually very quiet.) I simply must find the chutzpah to say that the next time someone asks me why I don't talk.

    Another reason why I don't talk much is because I won't talk over someone else. I someone else starts talking, I'll stop and let them speak. My intent is to pause, and then continue, but often the conversation never comes back to me. As you know, in any social situation there are often one or two people who almost never stop talking and who tend to dominate the conversation. If someone else tries to talk, they'll ignore it and just keep going. I'm not like that. As a quiet, introverted person, I feel like I get conversationally "run over" by the chatty, extroverted people, which I find frustrating and irritating.
     
  8. dongalong

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    Most of my life I have been shy and am only just getting over it in my mid thirties.

    I grew up surrounded by people who loved to talk so I never got many chances to say much, it made me very self conscious so that when I did get to talk, the words didn't flow out which seemed to make people lose patience with me and stop listening, me noticing their loss of interest affected my flow of words even more. This gave me low self confidence which prevented me from approaching people and made me uncomfortable when people started to speak to me.

    One thing that changed my life was the book, "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie. The chapter about listening made me realise that people will enjoy my company more if I just listen to them. I became a good listener and did win a lot of friends but I try to avoid people who talk too much!:wink:
     
  9. TomSchmo

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    I'm a real shy guy myself.
    And i think another reason is the fear and anxiety of how people will react or perceive you.
     
  10. hypoc8

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    I worry about this myself. Sometimes I wish others did.
     
  11. whatireallywant

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    I HATE this! I'm always being told "You're so quiet!" and "Do you ever talk?" Thing is, I was NOT born shy. I was an outgoing kid, and was bullied into shyness, which I still have. I have different anxieties than I had as a kid, but I still have a lot of social anxiety and rejection anxiety.

    That happens to me a lot too. I start to say something and the other people around me start talking like they didn't even hear me start to say something. With my social anxiety I just hang back and let them talk, rather than say something like "I was saying something until you interrupted me!" basically because I'm afraid of what they'd say back to me.

    That's me. My shyness is ALL based in anxiety of how people will react and perceive me. Although sometimes it's just that I don't have anything to add to the conversation at that time. Maybe the people around me are talking about stuff I don't do. For instance, a lot of my casual acquaintances are world travelers. So I listen to them talk but have nothing to add of my own experiences since I've never had the money to travel like that. I'm very interested in travel though.

    What's worse is when I'm around a bunch of (usually young) women who only talk about babies incessantly. I have absolutely ZERO interest in that topic, and usually try to get away from that conversation!
     
  12. Dave NoCal

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    It doesn't seem to me that I was born shy because my parents have a lot of pictures from my early childhood in which I was obviously outgoing. My own hypothesis is that several things contributed to the development of some shyness.
    When I was four my parents told me I was adopted. They did it in all the right ways and probably chose to do it so early because they wanted me to hear it from them. However, I think it was too young and that it made me unsure of my place in the world. When I was adopted, my parents had been married a few years and had remained childless. They thought they were infertile so when I cam along, I was the center of attention. As is sometimes the case with childless people who adopt, they promptly started making their own every two years and I felt displaced. Finally, with these things going on, I lacked confidence when starting school and took any teasing or bullying to heart.
    In my teenage years, I learned to compensate fairly well but that uncertainty persist in unstructured situations in groups of strangers. One on one is fine, although I still tend to be fairly quiet and listen carefully. Fairly often, people tell me that I'm very smart. I thank them and make a joke of it by saying that the key to being perceived as smart is avoiding saying things that are stupid That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
    Dave
     
  13. D_Juan_Grande

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    I am extremely shy to the point where sometimes I wont even go into a shop because I feel afraid to talk to the shopkeeper. I know it's ridiculous but I can't overcome it. I have always been shy since being a child and now that I am 35 I seem to be worse than ever before. My mother was a shy person when she was younger but now isn't as bad. There are so many things I would love to do but feel that I can't because of it. I wont even take a holiday now because I feel scared to meet new people, I had started taking holidays in the greek islands, which I love, but now I just daren't. If anyone knows how I can stop feeling like this it would turn my life around
     
  14. Mem

    Mem
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    You may need medication. Even a small anti-anxiety pill may help you. I am a bit shy, but not very. I vacation alone and don't talk to people, but once they talk to me I become very friendly.

    I do have a bit of social anxiety disorder. Not so much with strangers.

    I think being gay adds to it, with all the secrecy. I'm not "out" to the point where I see a childhood friend that I have not seen in 15 years and want to tell them what is going on in my life.

    I sometimes only go over my parents house when it gets dark (9 PM in the summer) so that I do not run into their neighbors. (who are the parents of my childhood friends)
     
  15. Mem

    Mem
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    That must have been hard for you at four. I'm sure your parents did not know when the best time to tell you would be.

    I've only met one person in my life that I know has been adopted. Sadly he is a drug addict (former co-worker). I bet it was inherited from the parents that he did not know.
     
  16. D_Juan_Grande

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    Its funny that you say that Mem, I hide round the corner if I see my mums neighbour. Will it really need meds. I like coming on here because nobody really knows me and I can put pics on which are virtually anonymous. I would love to be able to socialize or go on holiday. I feel like I am wasting the best years of my life hiding behind a locked door, but can't understand why
     
  17. Mem

    Mem
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    I've never needed to take meds for it. I have heard a radio program where the guy that took them called them "confidence pills". You should get help before you miss the best years of your life. You should talk to a doctor about it.
     
  18. D_Juan_Grande

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    Lol, Thats if I dare to see a doc face to face
     
  19. Mem

    Mem
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    :biggrin1:

    One problem that I do have (besides procrastinating) is being overwhelmed when I have to do something. There is so much anxiousness beforehand and then afterwards it was no big thing.
     
  20. D_Juan_Grande

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    Yeah, I know what you mean. Sometimes I have things to do and really dread doing it, then when I eventually do it, it's like no big. I quite often wish I was like just dead because of all this, I can't see it gettin any better and my life feels worthless. Fortunately I have a young niece who thinks I am gods gift to her and I live for her, she is the daughteer that I never had
     
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