Sick jokes that make you laugh anyway

joybunny

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The Voodoo Penis

A man was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied except---" and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis." "So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis........... She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!" The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."

The rest is history.
 

unzipped

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Blond co-ed goes into Macy's to buy draperies for her new computer... The sales lady feeling sorry for the dim witted girl says "honey computers don't need curtains"..
The perky blonde retorted "like duh lady...... mine does because it has Windows"...

uz
 

kullaspira

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A guy picks up a hitch-hiking nun. After a polite conversation he finally dears to ask her if he can fuck her, he always dreamed of fucking a nun. "Ok", she says, "but you´ll have to do it from behind."
So he shags her from behind. Afterwards he asks her "By the way, what's your name?" She replies: My name is Steve, and I´m on my way ta a masquerade."
 

jeanisacheebye

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A German, a Belgian and a Pole died and met the devil.
The devil decides to give them a chance. If they can complete 3 tasks, he will release them back to live again, the three tasks being:

1. Cross a treacherous ravine on a rickety rope bridge.
2. Shake hands with a bear.
3. Rape an Indian princess.

The German goes first but when he sees how deep the ravine is, he gets so shit scared that he gives up, jumps down and dies.

The Belgian gives it a run for his money. He crosses the bridge with much difficult, almost falling to his death. However, when he gets to the bear's cave, he hears so much growling from inside that he's afraid of the bear. He turns back, and jumps down to his death.

The Polish guy has seen everything but decides that he will live. He crosses the bridge just like the guy before him and reaches the bear's cave. Though he hears the noises, he decides to brave it all.

He enters the cave. Lots of smoke comes out and there's a lot of loud growls coming out from the cave as well. Eventually though, the guy comes out, his shirt torn. He has lots of wounds on himself but he walks out anyway and asks the devil,

"Now where's the Indian princess I have to shake hands with?"
 

yupp40

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ok. Dead baby jokes are sooo funny to me!!!!


How do you get 1000 dead babies into a telephone booth?

A blender!

How do you get 1000 dead babies out of a telephone booth?

Tostitos!

Why do you put a baby feet first into a blender?

To watch it's facial expression!


HAHAHAHAHA I am such a bad person!
 

crazy_one53402

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an little old woman goes in to the food store and puts 20 bags of dog chow in here cart and goes up to the cashier, Cashier goes I can not sell that to you little ol lady goes why, cause old people can not afford food so the eat animal food. I will need to see proof that you have a dog. Old lady goes home and grabs her dog and comes back proof enough for you.
Next day little old lady comes in grabs a cart and loads it up with cat food same cashier I am sorry I can not sell that to you I need proof you have a cat, so the the little old woman goes home and grabs her cat and brings him back here is my cat.
The very next day the woman goes back to the same cashier and has a can with a whole in the top, Cashier goes stick you finger in here Cashier no I cannot do that something will bite me, the little old lady goes no I am am an old woman you can trust me nothing like that will happen, so the cashier sticks her finger in can oooo it is so warm. Pulls out and it is all brown eww. what is that . The little old woman goes now I need 12 rolls of ass wipe
 

B_dumbcow

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okay...

there was a lady with no arms and no leags sitting on the end of a pier
she was upset. a man came up to her and asked what was wrong. she said she had never been hugged before so he hugged her. 'Thanks, she said'

as the man was walking away, she let out a cry. The man walks back 'i've never been kissed by a man before.' reluctantly, he kisses her.

As the man walks away, she let out a huge wail. The man walks back 'Whats wrong now?' she replies 'i've never been fucked before'
then the man kicks her off the edge into the water. 'you're fucked now!'
 

Calboner

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Dumbcow, that is one of the nastiest jokes I have ever heard. Congratulations. Continuing in the same vein:

Q.: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs lying on a doorstep?
A.: Matt.

Q.: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
A.: Art.

Q.: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in a swimming pool?
A.: Bob.

Q.: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs water skiing?
A.: Skip.