Significant Other Uses A “suck Buddy”

[Drifterwood]

Um, yeah, cheating is shitty behaviour. In general. I was also shocked at the amount of men hiding their sexual preferences from their partners. That to me would be an extra wound. I have no problems entering into relationships with bi men (well, they’ve never been successful in the past, but I digress), but lying about cheating and lying about your orientation? So much hurt. And those threads about how easy it is, just really made me angry. In reality, I can probably forgive cheating - once. But if it was a whole lifestyle? I don’t know. All that lying.

I imagine the men consider it cheating lite, if cheating at all as the person isn't an alternative to their partner. They may convince themselves that it is little different to porn or sex toys. People convince themselves of all sorts of things.

 

[950483]

The reality is that infidelity is common.

The reality is that people could choose to be honest and upfront, and maybe negotiate, but I don't think that is what tends to happen. Why not?

It would be more interesting to examine the common lies people tell themselves, the lies they tell others, and look at the reasons why they choose to retain all of the control by not negotiating.

What if some insights were gained by expanding the discussion beyond which of Santa's lists people are on?

 

[Bull9in]

The reality is that infidelity is common.

The reality is that people could choose to be honest and upfront, and maybe negotiate, but I don't think that is what tends to happen. Why not?

It would be more interesting to examine the common lies people tell themselves, the lies they tell others, and look at the reasons why they choose to retain all of the control by not negotiating.

What if some insights were gained by expanding the discussion beyond which of Santa's lists people are on?

In the abstract, I would normally be the first to agree with you. Why people do what they do should be of interest to everyone.

However, sometimes it just doesn't matter, especially when the reasoning for poor behavior is used as an excuse, or worse, a weapon (blaming the victim of said behavior).

Does it really matter what character flaws caused someone to cheat? Perhaps to the cheater, that they might reflect on their shortcomings and pathology in an effort to improve themselves. Not to me.

 

[seventiesdemon]

Could you possibly understand or forgive your significant other if he used “cocksucker” or “suck buddy” on the side without your knowledge or consent?

These threads prove ‘justification’ for why men do it.

Married men who use a cocksucker

What causes so many married men to have a suck buddy?

Personally, it disgusts me. I don’t care if I never give head - don’t you dare justify cheating on me. If it wasn’t a part of our agreement, then don’t do it. If I find out, I’ll make sure you are sleeping in your car outside a box store and that you are embarrassed in front of all your friends, family, and work. That shit won’t fly with me.

No.
If I had to give a reason...It would be I'm old enough to know the most damage that can be done to another you love is a betrayal of trust.....It cuts deep, and is the longest to heal from.

Forgiving and Forgetting are two entirely different things.

Mine was not from sexual misconduct............but by gross misuse of my sentiment, understanding and support.

 

[AlteredEgo]

The simple point that I am making is that if there is pressure not to leave, that undermines your ability to negotiate.

Moot. If there is religious pressure not to leave, there is religious pressure not to cheat. In the contect of this thread, we are specifically discussing men who cheat on women with other men. If there is religious pressure not to divorce, and not to cheat, there is definitely religious pressure not to have homosexual relations. All major religions forbid divorce? False. And you know that's false, so I'm not even sure why you would attempt to advance that narrative. Most Christian sects allow for divorce. Ditto Islam. Judaism too. In the latter two faiths, it is ESPECIALLY easy for a man to obtain. You are either being disingenuous or lying; I know you are aware that most members of major religions have access to divorce. I know you are aware that we are specifically discussing the men here on this site who justify their cheating.

Everyone has pressure not to leave. Exiting a marriage is strongly discouraged in almost every community.

You are arguing on behalf of selfish, fools. Do you think I asked my husband for lattitude without a stomach full of knots and the full understanding that he might decline and I would have to move over 1,000 miles back to NY and start over without him? Do you think my family celebrates divorces? Do you think I don't have haters who wait for my life to turn left? I sucked it the fuck up because I am not a person who would betray him. I asked him to understand me, to accommodate me, and was grateful he did.

Might there be a case of deceitful cheating somewhere in the world that I would see as justifiable? Maybe. I doubt it. I think you and I are just going in circles. You sound really invested in the defense of that which I find indefensible. Impasse.

 

[Drifterwood]

Moot.

Impasse.

If you blanket deny any possibility that people face pressures that restrict their negotiating position, then yes, you have an impasse.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

Just in case you dudes didn’t get the point,
Cheating IS shitty behaviour, of the level that makes you a shitty person.

 

[Sagittarius84]

If you blanket deny any possibility that people face pressures that restrict their negotiating position, then yes, you have an impasse.

I don't think its necessarily a blanket denial, in fact I do think men specifically are unfairly demonized and avoided as potential partners because they have bi tendencies or past bi experience... which would be an excellent retort before the fact of marriage. After the fact, the gender of the "suck buddy" is pretty irrelevant, it's a breach of the commonly accepted contract of marriage that you had every single opportunity to divulge before any dating took place, any proposal or engagement, or the wedding ceremony itself.
It all comes down to deprivation of choice, a robbing of agency; having people enter into agreements or contracts without pertinent information being actively provided. And as men, especially, given our common gripes and frustrations with women when they embark in such strategies of getting us to make commitments and assume responsibilities without providing us a comprehensive look at what is actually going on, I would think this would be an easier thing for us to collectively understand.

 

[AlteredEgo]

If you blanket deny any possibility that people face pressures that restrict their negotiating position, then yes, you have an impasse.

To be fair, you have shown absolutely no effort to support your position. You literally only offerred religious persecution, but that same persecution offers the same punishment for "married men using a cocksucker". I mean... did you have an example that actually makes sense?

 

[286798]

If there is religious pressure not to leave, there is religious pressure not to cheat.

^^ This. ^^

 

[Drifterwood]

Ok. Last effort.

If your religion (I'm thinking of the one with the denomination followed by nearly a quarter of Americans) says that you must be monogamous, then you can't really negotiate that.

If they also say that you can't really divorce (please refer back to annulment) then you can't really leave.

You can't really negotiate on adultery and you can't really negotiate on divorce. Not if you want to call yourself that religion and denomination.

This is just one example where negotiate or leave doesn't play level. There are many many more.

 

[Drifterwood]

I don't think its necessarily a blanket denial, in fact I do think men specifically are unfairly demonized and avoided as potential partners because they have bi tendencies or past bi experience... which would be an excellent retort before the fact of marriage. After the fact, the gender of the "suck buddy" is pretty irrelevant, it's a breach of the commonly accepted contract of marriage that you had every single opportunity to divulge before any dating took place, any proposal or engagement, or the wedding ceremony itself.
It all comes down to deprivation of choice, a robbing of agency; having people enter into agreements or contracts without pertinent information being actively provided. And as men, especially, given our common gripes and frustrations with women when they embark in such strategies of getting us to make commitments and assume responsibilities without providing us a comprehensive look at what is actually going on, I would think this would be an easier thing for us to collectively understand.

And then both parties can change.

 

[Drifterwood]

I mean... did you have an example that actually makes sense?

In how many relationships do you think one partner might be controlling?

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

Ok. Last effort.

If your religion (I'm thinking of the one with the denomination followed by nearly a quarter of Americans) says that you must be monogamous, then you can't really negotiate that.

If they also say that you can't really divorce (please refer back to annulment) then you can't really leave.

You can't really negotiate on adultery and you can't really negotiate on divorce. Not if you want to call yourself that religion and denomination.

This is just one example where negotiate or leave doesn't play level. There are many many more.

"Last effort" gives me the impression that you're trying to get people to tell you you're "right".

 

[Drifterwood]

"Last effort" gives me the impression that you're trying to get people to tell you you're "right".

No. I have tried to make the same point a number of times. I won't try again.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

No. I have tried to make the same point a number of times. I won't try again.

You did make your point. It was received. Several times.

 

[Drifterwood]

You did make your point. It was received. Several times.

I'm glad you get it.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Ok. Last effort.

If your religion (I'm thinking of the one with the denomination followed by nearly a quarter of Americans) says that you must be monogamous, then you can't really negotiate that.

If they also say that you can't really divorce (please refer back to annulment) then you can't really leave.

You can't really negotiate on adultery and you can't really negotiate on divorce. Not if you want to call yourself that religion and denomination.

This is just one example where negotiate or leave doesn't play level. There are many many more.

This is ridiculous. Nearly every religious sect in this country permits divorce.

And even if they did not, adultery is even more taboo than consensual non-monogamy.

And when it is not? You're in honor killing territory regarding gay contact.

For most Americans, the risks of asking for consentual non-monogamy are the same or easier than the risks associated with cheating. If one asks to negotiate, they either get some concessions, or their ideas are rejected, or they get rejected. If the social sphere finds out either way, there is fallout.

If they just leave, there is econimic hardship and social fallout.

If they cheat, they are lying, breaching contract, risking the spouse's health and mental well-being, risking their own health and mental well-being, and if the social sphere finds out, there is significantly worse fallout, AND in some parts of the country, they have invited legal problems that may be expensive for themselves, the utilized cocksucker, or both.

Only in the cheating scenario are the most people directly at risk, the most money is at risk, and the potential for social fallout is greatest.

You are not, therefore, making sense. If all choices suck, clearly it is best to make the coices that do not make one a criminal, a liar, and a cheat.

 

[Infernal]

I've been the suck buddy, and I've had one. When I was the suck buddy, the guy said he was separated from his wife and trying to figure his life out. I got him off regularly for a few months and then he said he was going back to her. I wished him well and never heard from him again. His reasons for being there, aside from the obvious, were his and his alone. Their relationship was none of my business. When I had a suck buddy, my boyfriend at the time knew about it. He traveled a lot and we both decided that sometimes we needed to get off. He did what he needed to, and I did what I needed to. No drama. I had a friend who was willing, so he sucked me off once in a while. He had been doing it before the relationship started and did so after it was over.

My husband and I have an open relationship. He fucks with other guys. I do too sometimes. We have our own reasons for it. As long as I know about it, then I don't have a problem. It's when there is secrecy surrounding it that it causes an issue. If he's stopping off for head on the way home, I don't particularly care. I wouldn't care if it was with a woman either. I don't care because I know where his heart is, and I know where he sleeps at night. I realize that this doesn't work for some people and everyone has their opinion about it. That's fine with me.

 

[Drifterwood]

This is ridiculous. Nearly every religious sect in this country permits divorce.

And even if they did not, adultery is even more taboo than consensual non-monogamy.

And when it is not? You're in honor killing territory regarding gay contact.

For most Americans, the risks of asking for consentual non-monogamy are the same or easier than the risks associated with cheating. If one asks to negotiate, they either get some concessions, or their ideas are rejected, or they get rejected. If the social sphere finds out either way, there is fallout.

If they just leave, there is econimic hardship and social fallout.

If they cheat, they are lying, breaching contract, risking the spouse's health and mental well-being, risking their own health and mental well-being, and if the social sphere finds out, there is significantly worse fallout, AND in some parts of the country, they have invited legal problems that may be expensive for themselves, the utilized cocksucker, or both.

Only in the cheating scenario are the most people directly at risk, the most money is at risk, and the potential for social fallout is greatest.

You are not, therefore, making sense. If all choices suck, clearly it is best to make the coices that do not make one a criminal, a liar, and a cheat.

So, as you say, if you negotiate there are bad outcomes, if you leave there are bad outcomes.

That's why a lot of people cheat, and then may stay or leave. The majority of us cheat.