Single for 4 years, can not find a new relationship

zaynmlk1626

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hey guys, i am 28 years old, i have a really good job, i'm a nice person, i have a kind personality and fun to be around, in general a good looking person, slim, take care of myself, dress nicely always smell nice. i have been single for about 4 years now, not by choice but because of the fact that i can not find a guy i like to date with.

i am a person who loves being in a relationship but i have been so unfortunate in my love life that i never had the chance to have a real relationship ever. my first ''boyfriend'' when i was 21 was a six months ''relationship'' when he dumped me for someone else and broke my heart. i started meeting guys on grindr after that but most of them were one night stands and after a couple of years i met my other ''boyfriend'' on facebook. he flirted me but lived really far from me so it was kinda hard to keep a relationship with him. i did travel to go meet him and we had a great time, i still believe he was my other half, i was never bored with him, i fell very deep in love with him, we matched very very well but unfortunately he then left me for someone else. there i am again with a broken heart, frustrated. i still think about him till today but we don't talk anymore.

it's been 4 years since our relationship ended, i don't like one night stands anymore, i really need to find someone to have an actual relationship again, just sex means nothing to me, my problem is that i can not find anyone. i live in a small town where it's really hard to meet other gay men, i try planetromeo, grindr, instagram or tinder and no results yet. when i like a guy he won't like me back. or he likes me but he's not my type. or he's confused etc. i feel like i am doing something wrong. sometimes i might be chatting with someone and the next day he won't text me or won't reply. sometimes guys say that they're looking for a relationship but i finally realise they just want sex.

i met another guy on instagram, he looked really nice, we talked and we were all sexual etc. we were planning to meet, suddenly he also disappeared. we were texting each other daily and then suddenly i did not hear from him for 3 weeks ''he was really busy with work'' he said, but i could see he was posting photos on instagram... i did not make it a big deal but i asked him to chat with me on Skype a few days later. he agreed to skype with me at night, i was waiting for his Skype call at night when i got a text message from him ''i had to go out with friends...'' never answered back to him again.

i was flirting with another guy on facebook who also lived far away, we used to talk daily i did buy Valentine's day gifts to send to him before i met him in person, he was very happy. i did book tickets to go meet him ,he suddenly wasn't interested anymore, stopped answering stopped caring about me. i did try to contact some guys i dated or had one night stands in the past, they were not interested or pretended they did not remember who i am lol (how can you forget someone who had your dick in your mouth?)

i met this other guy on badoo he was all flirty and happy talking to me. until we met, he just wanted a blowjob and then he said he was str8 and it should never happen again. we shouldn't meet again. he texts me every month for the last 2 years asking to meet me again for a blowjob though. i don't want that.

i have hundreds of similar stories to share, i don't want to make this post very long but i think you get my point.

i feel exhausted trying to find someone to date, with a potential of a relationship and i feel like i have a problem communicating and flirting with a guy. i am really scared i am going to be forever alone no matter how hard i am trying and i have no idea why., i find it surprising, rude and weird someone talking to you and suddenly disappearing not caring. does it happen to you guys or is it just me? how can someone be all flirty and interested and suddenly pretend you don't exist? is it just how things are in our days??? i remember 5-6 years ago gay men where kinda nicer on dating apps....

i feel really sad and lonely and desperate... sorry for the long post
 

Novaboy

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From what I've read, the online route has a small chance of working. It's hard to find people that are seriously looking for a relationship and.......more importantly, chemistry/connection is impossible to define.

Have you joined any groups where you will actually meet people. I sing in a large LGBTQ choir and quite a few people have met their partners there. Good luck. I've been very lucky with my 24 year relationship but do have friends with the same problem....especially those past 40 (or 50).
 

ItsAll4Kim

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I have to say that it sure seems harder for gay men to find long term relationships before they're in their 40's. Most younger guys seem to be exclusively into hookups. But you aren't alone either...there are so many guys seeking and failing to find anyone even interested in a relationship beyond booty calls. Among my homosexual friends, far fewer women have this issue...it seems predominantly male.

Having said that ( and take it or leave it, it's just one guy's opinion), if what you're doing isn't working, and this is a life priority for you, which it understandably seems to be, then perhaps it's time to reorganize your priorities and make big changes....perhaps move to to an area where you're more likely to encounter more guys...a big city or metropolitan area would increase the available dating pool substantially. Not saying it'll reduce the percentage of one-night-stand types, but at least you can pick from more choices. Get involved in groups/activities as Novaboy suggested...common interests always seem to help.

I wish you luck.
 
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wavejock

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If you see a pattern then you have to break away from that pattern. if you are constantly on these social media sites and your goal is a relationship...and most are not looking for relationships then you need to stop using that as your preferred method of meeting guys. Living in a small town is tough in general to find a relationship..but I imagine it is even tougher if one is gay. Unless there is something really keeping you there you may want to move to someplace larger. more cosmopolitan etc. People do it all the time. And ill reiterate what a few said above. Participating in hobbies that involve groups is great way to broaden a network...it doesnt even have to be a gay group. If you like wine join a wine tasting group, If you play a sport join a team that is looking for individual players etc.

Im not sure where you are from but meetup.com is a great way to search out groups in your area ( its not a gay site..it is just a site that shows you a gazillion groups that host in person meetups...for instance in my area if I put in "gay" the first thing that comes up is gay guys who like craft beers lol they meet up at different places to sample beers. But you can pretty much search for any type of group. Dont go with the purpose of dating per se..but just hanging out with people who have the same interests.
 
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902369

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I have to say that it sure seems harder for gay men to find long term relationships before they're in their 40's. Most younger guys seem to be exclusively into hookups. But you aren't alone either...there are so many guys seeking and failing to find anyone even interested in a relationship beyond booty calls. Among my homosexual friends, far fewer women have this issue...it seems predominantly male.

Having said that ( and take it or leave it, it's just one guy's opinion), if what you're doing isn't working, and this is a life priority for you, which it understandably seems to be, then perhaps it's time to reorganize your priorities and make big changes....perhaps move to to an area where you're more likely to encounter more guys...a big city or metropolitan area would increase the available dating pool substantially. Not saying it'll reduce the percentage of one-night-stand types, but at least you can pick from more choices. Get involved in groups/activities as Novaboy suggested...common interests always seem to help.

I wish you luck.

You have to say “some” gay men or else the secret societies of gays will come out of the woodwork and claim that it’s easy for them to find a relationship and that gays can’t all be lumped together. See, Jussie Smollett thread.
 

zaynmlk1626

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thank you very much for your replies guys. i have to make clear that even though i live in a small town, moving to a big city is not an option since i have my own job in this town and i make really good money. i can not say i feel happy i live in a town, i'm a city person anyway, but leaving my job to move to a city would be a huge step that i'll probably regret financially.
 

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thank you very much for your replies guys. i have to make clear that even though i live in a small town, moving to a big city is not an option since i have my own job in this town and i make really good money. i can not say i feel happy i live in a town, i'm a city person anyway, but leaving my job to move to a city would be a huge step that i'll probably regret financially.

Don't rule it out completely. I obviously know nothing of your work situation but don't automatically assume it won't work. I went through a tough time when all I ever thought of were the excuses instead of solutions. If you really want something think about how you can make it happen. Can your business be a success in the city too? Perhaps a financial hit in the beginning but one you will work your way out of.
 
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First, I just want to point out that a few of you have made generalizations about gay men that can be perceived as being negative ("online route for gays has a small chance of working," and "it seems harder for gay men to find longterm relationships before they're in their 40's") but I don't see anyone from the gay brigade on LPSG taking issue with this. The younger gays on Reddit would have attacked posts like these like bees from a beehive. Ironic, no?

Anyway, you need to take a break from the source which is those dating apps and online profiles. I know you live in a small town and make good money but sometimes in life you have to ask, "do I stay here with a nice job and comfortable salary, or do I move to a location with a larger population that may seem more promising in the dating department?" You have to ask yourself that. You especially have to take a break because you're only 28 but you said you have hundreds of stories like this the involve rejection. That would damage anyone, even the best looking man.

And lastly, it seems like you put these men on a pedestal. You CANNOT do that in the beginning at all. Men will take that and run with it as fast as they can. If you can't give up the apps and profiles, I recommend talking to multiple men at once. Like literally, if you are just talking to 1 guy for a couple of months - no, this won't work. Talk to him, talk to another guy, another dude, etc. Get a rotation. By doing this you won't feel bad when one leaves, you won't put any on a pedestal because you're talking to multiple guys at once and you'll feel better because multiple men are interested in you. Dating is a game. If you wanna play, you just have to go through multiple dudes that suck. All my guy friends are straight and they have gone through multiple (and I DO mean multiple) women that sucked.
 
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ItsAll4Kim

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You have to say “some” gay men or else the secret societies of gays will come out of the woodwork and claim that it’s easy for them to find a relationship and that gays can’t all be lumped together. See, Jussie Smollett thread.
I predicted a snarkfest but don't care...my statement is simply my opinion based upon my observation. I neither stated nor implied it was universal or a fact ("...it seems...").
 
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I predicted a snarkfest but don't care...my statement is simply my opinion based upon my observation. I neither stated nor implied it was universal or a fact ("...it seems...").

I agree and I take it a step further and believe it's universal. We see the same behavior from Greece to the US.
 
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Brodie888

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1. Long distance relationships are a low percentage option. Even if you find Prince Charming, they aren't going to sit around waiting for a guy who won't move. The path of least resistance usually wins.

2. Your pool of potential partners is too small. Let's say finding the perfect partner takes 50 dates. If your town only has 20 gays, you will unlikely meet the right guy. If you are as eligible as you say you are and have never had a long term partner then it's not you, it's your town.

3. How much is a relationship worth to you? Is it more or less than the pay cut of moving? Also you do realize that in a relationship you have half of most expenses if you are living together and a lot more extra income for investing? There are ways of making more money but there's no way to recover lost time.

4. Continuing to do the same thing will get you the same result.
 

ItsAll4Kim

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thank you very much for your replies guys. i have to make clear that even though i live in a small town, moving to a big city is not an option since i have my own job in this town and i make really good money. i can not say i feel happy i live in a town, i'm a city person anyway, but leaving my job to move to a city would be a huge step that i'll probably regret financially.
You need to think about this. Money can be had anywhere. Happiness is not as common.

I had a great job and made bundles of cash. Had a huge house, and virtually anything I wanted. Except a wife who loved and respected me enough to not cheat. I could have stayed there and been a cheater and kept the money and stuff. I tried it for a while. It didn't work...I was still miserable and could add being a cheating shit to that.

So I changed everything. I found a woman who loved...and still loves...me for who I am, not what she thinks she can change me into. I earn a very small percentage of what I used to. But I..we...are very happy.

The choice is yours now. But it won't always be. Life is really short.
 

travelsofadam

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I know how you feel. A lot of the gay apps don't really help us find meaningful relationships. All my best relationships have all started offline - not through any of the hookup apps. I think I might try to avoid the apps and instead really focus on meeting mates in those places & events where you might make real connections. I really enjoy going to Meetup.com groups and social events (I find a lot through local Facebook groups) and just general networking. If you meet enough people, hopefully you'll eventually make some good connections.
 

stustu

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I was in a family business for years - also in a small town. It can be challenging.
What about getting away on vacation - take an all gay tour, or cruise. Don't go
just to hook up, but rather to meet new people and test your ability to make new
friends (a skill that will last a life time).
Also ask your friends (gay and straight) to introduce you to other friends. Again,
don't focus on their attractiveness, but rather think of them as a new friend.
Friends have friends, and then more friends.
Keep options open - be open - use this time to grow as a person &. professional, and
my guess is that you will meet someone wonderful when you least expect it.
God bless and good luck!
 

Brodie888

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I think the best solution for people who can't find love is to focus on making more gay friends.

Sometimes people are too quick to judge, so by taking the relationship pressure off, it will give both people a chance to get to know each other in a non-committal way.

Also the more gay friends you have, the more other gay people you will get to meet.