sitting at movies with gay friends ...

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by two2, May 5, 2008.

  1. two2

    two2 New Member

    Joined:
    May 2, 2008
    Messages:
    99
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    i told my bestfriend that i am bi. i told him because we pretty much know everything about each other and i felt him not knowing about my true sexuality was not making it a true friendship. he said he's cool with it (or so he says).. we've known each other over 5 yrs, he and i are the only ones that know my sexuality. so anyway, at the movies he ALWAYS sat right next to me, even if it were just the two of us.. we would smoke some weed, get high as fuck and have some good laughs at the movies.

    but, we went to the movies a few weeks after me telling him about myself and he decides he doesn't want to sit next to me and he leaves an empty seat between us.

    i was rather pissed about it as he never seemed to care before.. i never brought it up after that, but it really bothers me and i don't feel comfortable around him.. he's not a fake, i know he cares a lot about me, but it hurts me because he never second guessed sitting next to me in the past. i'm not mad because he didn't sit next to me, but rather because he changed in some way after knowing im bi.

    what would you do, just let it be and not bring it to his attention? or would u say something about him acting this way now? i think i dont want to talk to him for a while.. i haven't talked to him in a week and he knows i am mad but has no clue why (so he says).. if i confront him about the situation, he's only going to try to act like his usual self.

    it might seem like minor shit, but now i question is comfortableness around me in public..
     
  2. SotonDaddy

    SotonDaddy New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2008
    Messages:
    138
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Southampton, UK
    Keep quiet, and let your friend make the next move. If you haven't spoken to him in a week, wait until he calls, etc. If your friend decides he doesn't want to be your friend any more, then he wasn't a friend to begin with.... :confused:
     
  3. Phil Ayesho

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2008
    Messages:
    5,596
    Likes Received:
    886
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    San Diego
    So what?


    He knows you're bi and maybe other people know you're bi.. and maybe he just doesn't want anyone else jumping to conclusions about your relationship.

    OR
    maybe this is his understated way to let you know that his being cool with your being bi should not be taken as his being cool with you doing something about it with him....
    Because, honestly, why did you tell him you were bi?

    In my experience, a man telling me he is bi is preparatory to him expressing an interest.

    Cut your friend some slack...
    After this kind of revelation, it will take some time for him to believe that you are not gonna hit on him... that things between you are not gonna get 'weird'.

    Acting all huffy over it is not gonna make you look like you are cool with his discomfort....


    Far better to just joke about it....
     
  4. D_Jurgen Klitgaard

    D_Jurgen Klitgaard Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Dec 2, 2007
    Messages:
    4,201
    Likes Received:
    3
    I say bring it up with him. If he is a friend, he can openly talk with you about anything. Maybe you can both talk, ask questions, answer them, and get some shit out in the open. If he says he feels uncomfortable, don't get upset. I'm sure he's a little confused about how to act around you now. Reassure him that you are no different than the day before you told him you were bi.

    Lots of people get confused and act immature with subjects of sexuality. If you can both talk, maybe you can make one less confused/immature person out there.

    5 years of friendship is not worth wasting, make sure you talk it out before you decide to part ways. Hope all goes well.
     
  5. two2

    two2 New Member

    Joined:
    May 2, 2008
    Messages:
    99
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    i'm the one ignoring him, he has tried contacting me plenty of times.. i was just mad at his sudden change in behavior.
    I told him i was bixsual not because i was interested in him., he has a girl friend of 4 yrs. i told him because i wanted him to know not because i wanted to have sex with him..jeeze.

    no one knows but me and him so people aren't going assume he's gay because i don't look gay myself.
     
  6. D_Jurgen Klitgaard

    D_Jurgen Klitgaard Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Dec 2, 2007
    Messages:
    4,201
    Likes Received:
    3
    Because you felt you had a close relationship and didn't want any secrets, right?

    Completely understandable
     
  7. crescendo69

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2006
    Messages:
    8,142
    Likes Received:
    20
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Knoxville, TN
    It's a little like the straight guys on here that would cam with other straights, but not with gays; it apparently threatens their sexuality to get too intimate with a gay. But give him some time. He may finally feel the friendship is more important than his fears.
     
  8. two2

    two2 New Member

    Joined:
    May 2, 2008
    Messages:
    99
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    again, he does care a lot about me... he's str8 and has no problem saying he loves me (said that lots of times before knowing my "secret").

    anyway.. i just thought i'd asked to see what would most people in my case would do.
     
  9. two2

    two2 New Member

    Joined:
    May 2, 2008
    Messages:
    99
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    thanks crescendo, i liked that last line about friendship & fears.

    i have a good career, a good job and drive some nice cars.. he always complemented me of being successful in life (most of my other friend work at dunkin donuts).

    a few weeks prior to me telling him my secret he says "i wouldn't mind being you for a couple days" it felt good and really a nice thing to say. but, it makes me wonder if he still thinks that way of me :|
     
  10. HyperHulk

    HyperHulk New Member

    Joined:
    May 12, 2007
    Messages:
    883
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sydney, Oz
    First, congratulations for coming out to your friend and sharing that part of yourself. I can understand your frustration with what happened. I remember when I first told my best friend at the time, he acted a bit odd and avoided me for a week, but then everything was back to normal--he just needed to process.

    Here's the thing to remember, no one is a mind-reader. You're not exactly sure what he was thinking and he isn't sure what's in your mind. I would suggest talking to your friend. Give him the benefit of the doubt and allow him to explain it. You can share with him that you realize this might seem a small thing to him, but to you, it's something that's on your mind because sharing your bisexuality is a new thing. Always talk it out. What you're currently doing is a bit passive-aggressive and it's not fair to either of you.

    Sometimes, we need to be vulnerable to share with people. Your conversation could go: hey, I'm not sure if you intended this but when you sat in the other seat, which was different than what we normally do, I felt like you were trying to distance yourself from me. What was going on with you at the time, I would love some clarity because I'm a little confused. I don't want anything to change between us because of what I revealed. What can I do to you feel more comfortable about all of this?

    So consider being the same type of friend you want your friend to be: one who communicates before changing their behavior and negatively impacting the relationship.
     
  11. Phil Ayesho

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2008
    Messages:
    5,596
    Likes Received:
    886
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    San Diego
    He doesn't know this.... All he knows is a friend told him he's bi.

    Understand that HE is the one thinking that the other shoe is gonna drop and not sure how he will handle it...

    Like I said... give him some time to figure out that you are NOT gonna hit on him....


    Sound's like your reaction has been the more dramatic, to me.
     
  12. two2

    two2 New Member

    Joined:
    May 2, 2008
    Messages:
    99
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    i specifically told him i didn't not want anything in our friendship to change and would like everything to continue as usual.. that was the first thing i told him.

    after a couple weeks that passed after i told him im bi, i asked him if it bothered him.. his reply "i hadn't really thought about it now that you mention it" yet something tells me that was a fake line.

    dramatic? maybe.. friendships can be dramatic in good ways and bad ways. you sound like you are 1) not gay 2) don't have a best friend whom you can practically read like you know your large penis.
     
  13. B_The Greek Dude

    B_The Greek Dude New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 16, 2008
    Messages:
    760
    Likes Received:
    1

    As a bisexual man, it's your duty to explain this to him. . .tell him that he's a close friend, and that you have absolutely no sexual desire for him. Explain to him that you've struggled with this ever since puberty, and that if you haven't wanted to be intimate with him in the past five years, you aren't going to start now just because you told him that you were bi. Calmly explain that it's impossible to change a gay man straight, or a straight man gay.

    Finally, talk about women around him, too; mention famous women, or local girls you see out walking and find out if there's any you're both attracted to. . .tell him what you find atttractive about women, what your type is etc. Keep in mind that many people are not going to feel comfortable being around someone with a different sexuality than themselves so if none of this works? At least you tried and made yourself the better person.
     
  14. unabear09

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2007
    Messages:
    7,083
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    24
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Little Rock, AR

    Agree with you 100% Greek Dude. Have you sat down and told him that you aren't interested in anything more than a close friendship with him? Right now he's probably going thru hell trying to figure out what he's done to upset you and is probably raking himself over the coals. Talk to him man. Sounds like you all have been friends for a long time, and just b/c he didn't sit next to you in the movies doesn't mean anything. You need to understand where he's coming from as well. You've just told him something that has probably made his head spin (not saying being bi is anything bad or anything like that....but he is/was probably in a state of shock), and he needs to adjust and get used to it. If he means that much to you (and it sounds like he does) go and talk to him and explain to him how you feel about him, and how you have been feeling since you came out to him. Great friends don't come around every day, and loosing one as special as this guy is to you....well it isn't worth it. Good luck
     
  15. Phil Ayesho

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2008
    Messages:
    5,596
    Likes Received:
    886
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    San Diego
    You are not listening to me.
    Perhaps you are not listening to him, as well.


    I don't care what you think you made clear.... you are not considering this situation from HIS perspective.

    Someone he has known for a while and thought he understood has just informed him of something big about himself that he had no idea of....
    I don't care if you imagine you can read him like a book... he clearly can not read you like imagine you can read him.



    The more you write, the more I suspect that you are pitching a hissy fit over nothing.

    He has tried to connect with you... has demonstrated that he still is your friend.
    And you are too busy SEARCHING for reasons to feel slighted to respond as a true friend.

    You are acting like you really WANT him to have a negative reaction... and bending over backward to interpret everything he does as some kind of homophobia.

    Or perhaps you really feel slighted because you took a chance and he did not express any reciprocal bisexual interest.

    Or is it that your reassurances of no interest in him were disingenuous and you are looking for excuses to not be around him because his lack of response is crushing?


    If the only advice you are willing to consider is the advice that reinforces and validates YOUR actions.... then there is no reason to even seek advice.


    You are making a big deal out of literally nothing.
    If you are hurting from this... it is only because you have chosen to see it as hurtful.


    Your friend hasn't done anything wrong.... he's just trying to figure out how he feels about your revelation... and probably trying desperately to figure out why the heck you are suddenly acting like such a bitch.
     
  16. D_Percival Puddleford Pukehorn

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2006
    Messages:
    2,474
    Likes Received:
    4
    oh get ur friend drunk and give him a blowjob he'll never forget!


    or you can just talk to him.
     
  17. alex8.5

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2007
    Messages:
    1,653
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    34
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Bel Air, California. USA
    Just give him time for the information to sink in. Let him be. And like SUtton Daddy said, if he chooses to not be friends, then he really was never a true friend..
     
Draft saved Draft deleted