Everyone has made some very intresting and valid points as well as suggestions.
I'll add what I can, although admittedly i'm not feeling well today and thus I promise to be extreamly chaotic with this post
I am versitile, I like both and require both. From what Herble has always TOLD me, he is of the same likeness. Now, i'm seeing in this post him saying otherwise.
*in as non bitchy a tone as possible I say* Consistancey, please.
Romanticisim is something I feel I'm being denied, which I've grown to resent, and I've made this no secret to ANYONE. In my mind, this is one of the larger issues, I find myself being less and less romantic (I think so anyways) because I don't feel i'm getting my fair share, and i'm not completely certain why that is, or at least in my current headspace it's not comming to me.
Fantasies: Yes .. I have them. Yes I'm open to discussing them, with anyone and everyone, not to bitch about not having them fufilled though that does happen, but to gain inside and ideas from others who have been in similar situations as far as the fantasy itself, as well as the relationship aspects. While many of my fantasies have been approached, it has not been in a serious manner ... it's all been very tongue in cheek. Thats fine, I've no problem with giggling and experimentation ... I'm all for that, but whatever your going to do, no matter what that may be ... MEAN IT. Does that make sense?
Communication: I'm all for communication, I'm constantly communicating whenever I can think straight, which at times seems seldom. However, please keep the agression to a minimum, when I see agression I get defensive, when I get defensive I can get unnessicarily cruel. Despite how many people choose to view me as sweet, the truth is i'm much more, like anyone else I have what some may consider to be faults, while others may not, one of which is most certainly my bitchyness. I spent a large portion of my life ... a good 19 years of it ... being walked upon and letting people back me into corners, this is the likely cause of my often overly domineering nature. I do not wish to argue or become aggressive, however if I feel the slightest push, i'll push back 10 fold without thinking ... hence the occasional foot in mouth syndrome. Aside from that, and perhaps in bed, I don't feel as though I'm an overly aggressive person unless i'm annoyed with shit and then I blow up easily though no fault of Herble's, Those times are probably the times when I MOST need to be held and loved and once that has calmed me down, I'll be more open to discussion, or perhaps after a nap, a hot bath, and/or a sound shagging.
I am a bitch at times, oh yes indeedy, I am very sweet ... I'll buy that too, I'm moody, introspective, difficult, and childish. Loving me, means loving that as well. I'm sure Herble will recall ... "All my light ... love my dark" ... EVERYTHING.
If at any point anyone does not feel up to the challange of dealing with me, just let me know, arrangements can be made for a time out, or whatever may be nessicary. I know i'm difficult to deal with, I have a hard time dealing with me sometimes. I realize i'm not always the brightest apple in the bunch, often times not; that I do some stupid shit; that i've done some things that are horrible, and i've no problem admitting my faults as I percieve them. However, this does not give anyone the right to use those things against me on a daily and often hourly basis, I still am as worthy as anyone else of respect and forgivness. In the grand scheme of things, I could be widely reguarded angelic in compairisin to the etrocities commited by others on a scale far larger than I can conceieve of.
I understand that Herble and I are beginning anew, and that there is fear inhearant in beginnings. I am WILLING, not merely TOLERANT, but WILLING to deal with that for better or for worse, for i've enough love in my heart to consume the very soul of another who holds the keys to such power. I'm even willing to GIVE those keys up, but one must be willing and open to accepting them though acceptance of who and what I am, understanding, and above all things love; and once a key is given, please use it, i beg of you.
The public, the forums, my correspondances: I've no problem discussing these things, or any other things, in a public forum such as this. I feel a certain amount of safety in that, and with our privacy issues at home, and our conflicting work scheduals, this works for me, with or without the input of others. It's funny that I feel privacy in a public forum such as this, but I believe the key lies within the fact that this is online, it's fairly anonymous, it's quiet, and I can turn it on and off, deal with things when i'm ready and able to deal with them. Also, there is a tacit understanding between myself, and the others who read and corrospond with me, and I am thankful for that.
As far as me talking to others on here: I'm not trying to get jiggy with anyone. I am attracted on whim to various things and people for various reasons, if that attraction were as great, or more so, than that which I hold for Herble, I would not be sitting here in this room, in this place, right now. Yes, i enjoy a bit of the attention sometimes, and sometimes I even dare to think I deserve it.
Yes, I end up being a bit of a flirt sometimes. TOATLLY cant help that ... I don't even have to try and it happens, and to be perfectly honest it's nice to know that i'm desireable even when neither party has any intention to act upon that desire for whatever reasons. I'm not taking it to a dark place, or to any extream, i've no illicit intentions, and even if that were the case, everyone is far far far away from me unfortunately, as this is my only outlet as far as friends are concerned save for one from school (kristyn). Those that I choose to communicate with are not trying to push or pull me into anything, and if I feel that to be the case, I simply stop communicating. Sometimes, I just don't realize it untill later rather than sooner. I want to be a bit nieve again, I want to believe that people are truely intrested in me, who I am, etc. etc. and sometimes that desire gets the better of me. Experience, has shown me to act with care, while still being able to love. Also, this gives me something to do when i'm board and need a break from everything I SHOULD be doing.
If at any point Herble needs my full attention, or to discourse, all he need do is ask me and I will wrap up my conversation or post on here and my undivided attention will be soly upon him. I've made this as clear as I can. I will not consider that an act of disrespect twords my being. However, attempting to jump my shit no matter what, or yap at me while i'm in the middle of something without respecting enough to give me a moment to finish up, will have adverse effects upon anyone who attempts as such.
I can yap, type, write, scream, open a veign, and bleed myself dry and still not be able to articulate the specifics of my being to any one person unless they are able, and most certainly WILLING to simply understand. I require reflection, introspection, time, and patience. If me posting, chatting, whatever on here, bothers Herble he can ask me to stop, and I will untill he's confident in my intentions, or untill I go mad(der?) if that be required.
Moral of this melodramatic tale:
Give me the moon, and I will take you to the heart of the sun.
"Jangle Jangle
Jingle Jangle
Jangle then circle again"
*NOte: I'm not spellchecking this ...i'm too exhausted to even reread it. I'm sure some of it sounds overly evil, or something maybe ... but I don't care that wassnt the intent so choose to understand the intent, or not I leave that up to each individual. Herble may or may not understand any of this and my need assistance in my absence. Or, Herble darling, you can ring me at work. *love* :wub:
