So called friends

[_average]

I just wanted to have a bit of a rant really, so please bear with me. I am part of this group of 'friends', 9 of us. Men and women. There is myself and mrs_average, a guy 'A' and his girlfriend, 'A's brother 'B' and his boyfriend, two guys and a girl. Now we have been friends for about 6 years and used to do most things together, and hang around together constantly. It just seems that lately I've been kinda phased out. I didnt do anything in particular to offend anybody, or piss anybody off. Now, it has always been the case that the friendships seem to more one sided. By that I mean it seems that i have done most of the running and fetching with these people. I used to call into their houses a couple times a week and go to their house drinking on the weekend etc. Im the kind of person who will do anything for their friends, and they know that and take advantage of it regularly.

For example, last year 'A's girlfriend was 21. He didnt know what to get her for her birthday present. So i brought him shopping to the nearest big town. I had to ask all the jewellers the questions. I decided he should get her a chain with a pendant with her birthstone on it, because he said he hadnt a clue. Thats fine. I picked out a pendant and we went to the banklink to get money. He came back and said he had no money in the bank so i gave him the money to get the present for his girlfriend. He gave the money back which was grand. I then told him he should get her some flowers for her party. He goes ' i dont know anything about flowers' so I got a glass vase and arranged some flowers in it and wrapped it up for him to give to her, saving him half the money the bouquet would have cost him. Not as much as a thank you did i get. I basically did everything for him for the birthday, for which he showed no gratitude at all.

So i decided to pull back a bit. To see would they contact me if i didnt make the first move. Its been about 2 months now and the answer is basically no. I dont get texts, i dont get phonecalls, I didnt even get a happy birthday this year!!!!!!!! So I guess my question is....are they friends? Should i be upset? should i just let them go? am i right to be mad with them? I just dont know.

 

[dolfette]

you're a giver.
he's a taker.

walk away. find other people to hang with.
history means fuck all if it's a history of take.

seriously, you're too good for these muppets.

 

[ges]

I can relate to what you are saying - been in the same situation. After a bit of trial-and-error, I decided not to play the game of 'let's see if they'll call' any more. That just set me up for disappointment. I have come clean with those I cared most for by telling them how I was feeling. I believe them when they say that they didn't realise. I have accepted them for who they are, and that they simply think and relate differently from how I do.
At the same time I am able to value myself more for being the generous soul that I am. Perhaps, subconsciously, I always wanted something in return. If I give because I like to give, I am more accepting when I don't get a return.

 

[dolfette]

i'm one of those people who never calls.
it's the lack of appreciation for your efforts that bugs me.
in my world that would have earned you a thank you gift.
not even a verbal thank you? just rude!

 

[D_Kitten_Kaboodle]

you're a giver.
he's a taker.

walk away. find other people to hang with.
history means fuck all if it's a history of take.

seriously, you're too good for these muppets.

I totally agree...

 

[_average]

i have aske them numerous times whats the problem. why dont they call to my house? and the answer i got was...'why make 7 people travel, when 2 people can travel?' nothing of the fact that it would cost us €30 for babysitters and €20 for taxis to their house, while it would cost them €4 each to travel here. and its not about the money, its the lack of consideration. because we have kids its nice to be asked to go out, but we cant always go. id rather be asked and say no than not be asked at all, ya know. when i didnt even get a text for my birthday it really hurt. now saying that i knew in my heart of hearts that i wouldnt get one from 'A' in particular. he never replies to texts or answers phonecalls. whats the bloody point having a mobile if you never fucking use it. im just angry with the whole lot of them. because im not making an effort, there is no effort being made at all. im not blowing my own trumpet (cos i cant reach it lol) but im a good friend. a damn good friend. and i just want someone to do the same for me ya know?

 

[dolfette]

you're right.
they suck.
no two ways about it.

 

[_average]

so what do i do then? do i try talk to them again in an attempt to fix things? or just leave it fizzle out? i still consider them close friends ya see in my head. thats why im so upset/angry.

 

[dolfette]

you've told them before and they've taken no notice.

if it were me, i'd just leave it at that.
there are billions of people on the planet,
you'll meet others you get on with.

but that's just me.
it might not be the right choice for you.

 

[gacody1062]

they dont desrve you, this is something i had to learn the hard way. my house was the hang out, every weekend everyone was at my house eating, swimming and partying, mostly at my expense. had one disagreement with one person and now the whole crowd is punishing me it seems. no one every calls me to invite me to their functions or to just say hi. most of them chose sides with i think is very unfair. if you and i did not have a disagreement and you were not part of the disagreement, stay the hell out of it.

i have just gone on with my life , making new friends and have a much better time. get on with your life and forget these loosers.

 

[LaFemme]

Friendships are reciprocal - there has to be some give and take. And not all friendships will last a lifetime; some run their course earlier than others.

Currently your generous nature would be better off volunteering at a charity - you'd receive far more gratitude from strangers than you would from the people you call your friends. Leave these friends alone. Maybe some will come back and maybe they won't. I agree with the previous posters - find new ones.

As dolf said, "you're too good for these muppets"!

 

[shard38]

I've learned friendship is indeed give and take. It's not waiting to get something back, it's taking something back when you want it. You want their company? Invite them over. You want to text them? Just do so. They're doing the same to you. Ask yourself what it is you want from them and get it. Friendships should be used, not abused.

 

[B_subgirrl]

They are not your friends.

Find some new ones.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

Here's the thing... giving is a form of taking.

It is the giver who gets the warm fuzzy feeling of doing for another... and the person given to is the one who feels obliged.


Many 'givers' tend to be giving as a means of inducing reciprocity, or putting others in debt to them. Its a strategy for forming friendships and keeping others friendly thru obligation.

Some people are genuinely selfless... but they have to recognize that in giving and giving, they actually put their 'friends' in a condition of debt.

That is not a good feeling... and it makes them avoid you just like they avoid the landlord when rent is overdue.

Often, The greatest gift you can give others is the opportunity to be of help to you. The chance for them to have that warm feeling of having been of service.

A chance to even the social score, as it were.


Your conduct should be examined in the light of you clearly are wanting something in return for your largess.

like it says in the good book, "i shall not love as a laborer, in expectation of my wages".

Sounds to me like your 'friends' are tired of owing you... tired of you making them feel, just by your presence, like they owe you...
and playing "who'll call first" is just a game.

In giving, think about what you are taking from those you befriend.
The story about helping your friend with his girl's birthday.... that would not be something I would appreciate... it would make me feel like the gift I gave her was not even from me.



I think, at 31... perhaps you ought to be thinking less about hanging and drinking with your friends, and focus more on building an adult life, a family, and/or career.
It is simply part of the normal arc of people's lives that the gang of buds in their 20's drift apart as they take on new responsibilities and start making decisions based upon the needs and aspirations of their own primary relationships.

 

[D_Johnson Withernads]

I think you should air your grievances to give them a final opportunity to be who you'd like them to be. I wouldn't be surprised if little changed though, certainly after any initial trying harder period. After all, they are what they are.

I consider myself to be a pretty loyal friend. I've stuck through thick and thin with some friends much to my detriment. At the same time I know I can be completely absent at times. I procrastinate far too much and frequently just don't want to associate with anyone. I despise Facebook, texting drives me nuts and I don't like to whitter away on the phone for an hour everyday - I prefer face to face. Then again, it would be nice if some of my friends would realise this, kidnap me and kick my arse until I'm sociable again.

Some of my best friends were made in HM Forces. Doesn't matter if we saw each other a week ago or a year ago, we just pick up where we left off. It's easy to maintain, we have no (or few) secrets, I trust them with my bank balance and, more importantly, I trust them with my life. Wouldn't trust some of them with my girlfriend though...

 

[Charles Finn]

yes at 44 I am a born giver but sometimes i need help too and I need to take sometimes too friends give and take
of time money and just being there
find other friends to give and take with

 

[spoon]

i think everyone is making good points. and, i do think thought should be given to phil ayesho's answer as well.

i have a "supposed friend" that "never, ever calls unless he needs something." it was painful for awhile. he has taken "big time advantage." i came to realize i need to let it go and not deal with him. sometimes people truly don't think about what they are doing and didn't mean to hurt. in this supposed friends case i came to realize that he is just the most self absorbed person i ever met. i've realized that i am happy that i could help this person. and, i did learn allot about what friendship means. i can't be carrying everything. i just don't have the energy.

yes, understandable you are a bit hurt, or angry. stepping back for awhile helps. have you talked w/mrs. average about this? what does she think? mrs. average knows you best, and, the friends.


<<<<<<Friendships are reciprocal - there has to be some give and take. And not all friendships will last a lifetime; some run their course earlier than others.

Currently your generous nature would be better off volunteering at a charity - you'd receive far more gratitude from strangers than you would from the people you call your friends. Leave these friends alone. Maybe some will come back and maybe they won't. I agree with the previous posters - find new ones.

As dolf said, "you're too good for these muppets"! >>>>>>>>>
i tend to agree with lafemme and dolf.

 

[iWatch]

You've mentioned this before to them, and now it's been two months since you've heard from them. They might be your closest friends, but to them you're a convenience. When they need you, you're there. When they don't, you're not.

Time to move on. If some months down the road they call you and are genuinely interested in your life, good for them. Otherwise, meet some people who care about you, and not just what you can do for them.

 

[Viking_UK]

I think it's time you found some actual friends rather than a bunch of users. Life's too short to continue to let them take advantage of you.

 

[_average]

You want their company? Invite them over. You want to text them? Just do so..

i do want their company and i have invited them over, on numerous occasions. but i get the whole 'im too tired' or 'not tonight.' im quite tired of asking them cos the answer is always the same.

Many 'givers' tend to be giving as a means of inducing reciprocity, or putting others in debt to them. Its a strategy for forming friendships and keeping others friendly thru obligation. Some people are genuinely selfless... but they have to recognize that in giving and giving, they actually put their 'friends' in a condition of debt.That is not a good feeling... and it makes them avoid you just like they avoid the landlord when rent is overdue.

Often, The greatest gift you can give others is the opportunity to be of help to you. The chance for them to have that warm feeling of having been of service.

A chance to even the social score, as it were.


Your conduct should be examined in the light of you clearly are wanting something in return for your largess.

like it says in the good book, "i shall not love as a laborer, in expectation of my wages".

Sounds to me like your 'friends' are tired of owing you... tired of you making them feel, just by your presence, like they owe you...
and playing "who'll call first" is just a game.

In giving, think about what you are taking from those you befriend.
The story about helping your friend with his girl's birthday.... that would not be something I would appreciate... it would make me feel like the gift I gave her was not even from me.



I think, at 31... perhaps you ought to be thinking less about hanging and drinking with your friends, and focus more on building an adult life, a family, and/or career.
It is simply part of the normal arc of people's lives that the gang of buds in their 20's drift apart as they take on new responsibilities and start making decisions based upon the needs and aspirations of their own primary relationships.

well, what can i say about this comment? it went round the houses and back again. i do not give to receive. they dont feel like they owe me at all. that notion is ludricous, and you would know that if you actually knew these people. he asked for help for the birthday thing and he took it. he didnt care if he didnt pick out a nice present as long "as i made him look good". And at 31 i have an adult life, and a family, and a career. i also happen to like having friends. You make an awful lot of assumptions in that message that have no basis in reality. No matter how you dress it up with verbose language.