So confused??? =(

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by avdude19, Sep 5, 2010.

  1. avdude19

    avdude19 Member

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    Gahhh! I'm so confused with life right now! >.< soo I no for a fact I'm over complicating things, but I really don't know what else to do. So a little backround information, currently I just graduated hs and am attending uci. So I'm bisexual and I've known since i first started hs. I'm not out nor do I want to be. Last relationship I was in was my junior year and that lasted like 6 months with this girl from school. I'm an honors student, an athlete, and a mega band nerd haha. I consider myself decent looking. All my friends that I have don't know personal things about me. I have a bad relationship with my family. I don't talk to any of my siblings and me and my mother are always arguing, and my dad died before I was born. I often don't like to complain because I no I don't have it hard, but sometimes I really just have to vent. Whenever I'm angry or sad or something I often locked myself in my closet and just fall asleep in there, and sometimes when I have sleepless nights, which is very often, I like to sneak out of my room and just lay on top of my rooftop and look at the night sky. I've been doing this since I was 16 haha I'm surpised I haven't got caught. Anyways I do have a gay older brother, but I really dislike him. Number one cuz he's excentricly gay and number two becuz I'm a bit of a homophobe. Also I really just hate how he is as a person. He is nothing but a lazy slob who thinks he's the greatest. As much as I hate to admit it I act exactly like my mom. We share the trait of naturally being organized and always sticking up for ourself, and were both hard headed. However we both have a different mindset. I like to analyse things, people and words. My mom is someone who had a bad childhood and I guess she just doesn't take shit from anyone. Anyways I have other siblings like my older sister who is a very caring and compationate person. I'm not close to her either, but she is really awesome and kool and has been good to me all my life. Oh back in middle school I use to have thoughts about suicide but I grew out of that. Though I wasn't diagnosed with depression throughout my life I no I probably was. However I never had any symptoms like lack of sleep or cutting myself or anything like that. I don't want to talk to a shrink, idk y but I don't think a professional therapist could help me nor do I want his or her help. You know I've always planned to lose contact with the world after I graduate college. I still kinda intend to do that, but yeah.

    So my problem is, how to deal with my thought and emotions and feeling now that I'm going headed off to college at the end of this month. I mean I hope now that i'm gone that the stress load will drop, but what if it doesn't. I wouldn't no what to do. Also there's this girl I've known since my freshman year, and were going to the same college. I was thinking of asking her to be my girlfriend, but like if we were together I wouldn't no how to tell her things like I'm bi or even how she would react to these things.
     
    #1 avdude19, Sep 5, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2010
  2. Surcher

    Surcher New Member

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    It sounds like u have a lot of internal conflict:
    1. Fear of intimacy
    2. Withdrawal
    3. You're an isolationist
    4. Confused about your orientation

    please know that you are not crazy. In fact, you are quite normal. These are all the things that many go through, but fail to express, because they are so deeply personal. You're not alone, you're just isolated (in your head and in your social life) I should know, because I went through many of the same things, and when I was going through, I couldn't really trust anyone either.

    College will not be an answer to your problems; in fact, it may be your undoing. Raging hormones, rampant driking and sex, truck loads full of reading and papers, stress, pressure; if you don't find na outlet, you are going to have a raging and stormy war within yourself to overcome. My suggestion to you:

    1. have somewhat of a social life. You don't have to disclose anythiong personal. You can keep your distance. However, do have people with whom you can be open and honest; a rarity these days. Nevertheless, be careful, as the adage goes; anything you say can and will be used.....

    2. Go to Wezeradio.com, and listen to the 1pm show called New Life Live. The station is a little right winged and conservative, but don't be turned off by that; they have very brilliant people who can speak to your situation, because thwey have been through things themselves. What I like about this staion is that they speak about any and everything openly and honestly. No hypocrisy, or feel good statements here. the offer excellent strategies for dealing with your kinds of problems.

    3. Face your fears, and if you find some good friends, discuss your burdens with people whom you trust, have built a relationship with and talk to people who will not betray your confidence Just reveal yourself with caution and care. Speak in generalities. We were meant to share our burdens with one another; not bare our souls to others.

    4. College: everyone is best freinds the first 2 semester, but by sophomore year; watch out!

    Good luck, and lemme know if this helps.
     
  3. erratic

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    avdude19, congratulations. You're totally normal.

    You're going off to college and confused about who you are? Good. That's exactly where most people are in life at that point. We're mostly very good at pretending we have our shit together, but at the point when most of us leave our home and family to go off on our own we usually don't. And that's fine.

    Like you said, you're a bit of a homophobe. Good on you for admitting it, and you'll work through it faster that way. It sounds like you're an American, and your country is working through a lot of homophobia right now, so it's no surprise that you picked up some of that. It is, however, a surprise to some people to learn that queer people (including bi people) have their own, internalised, homophobia. Just because we're gay or bi or whatever doesn't mean we don't pick up on the shit society dumps on us. Just remember that there's nothing wrong with you. You are the way you were made, and if you're attracted to men too, that just means you have a better chance of getting a date.

    What about your crush? You're right to want to be open to her about your sexuality, but how do you broach the topic? You know her better than we do, dude. How would you tell her something else deeply personal? I'm guessing that you're worried she'll spurn you because you're bi? If she does remember that's because she's working through homophobia just like you are, and she's leaving you free to find a woman (or man) who will accept you for who you are - which is what you're looking for, isn't it? If she can get over it, fantastic.
    Either way, it takes humongous courage to come out of the closet as bi or gay, or whatever in between. It will make you a stronger person, yes, and it can also make you a better person. You know now what it's like to be afraid that people will hate you for something out of your control. You know what it's like to hate yourself for the same thing. This is part of the human condition. You can replace "gay" or "bi" with "fat", or "black", or "woman", or "Jew", or "poor", or "old", or whatever other labels people suffer under. If you remember the lessons you're learning now, and remember that billions of people suffer because parts of society arbitrarily hate them for who they are, you'll be a better person for it.

    Anyway, blah, blah, blah. Don't forget to enjoy college. Don't forget to enjoy learning, making friends, and having fun. And do yourself a favour and make more gay friends than just your brother. We're not all lazy and self-absorbed :)
     
  4. curioustitan

    curioustitan Member

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    LOL!!! I couldn't have said it better if i tried. Excellent advice from both Surcher and erratic. The fact that erratic says none of us have our shit together, is indication to me that he has his shit slightly more together than most....pay attention to him. With sage advice like his... you won't go too wrong.

    However, on another note. The fact that you can't stand your 'eccentrically gay' brother suggests to me that maybe it's not just because of his laxadaisical and slovernly devil-may-care attitude towards life. Have you considered the possibility that you may be slightly envious of his 'out' status. I've often spoken poorly of certain individuals and their frivolous approach to life...often because i do think that are truly frivolous but also sometimes because i secretly envy their care-free attitude.
    Perhaps an attempt at reconciling your differences and strengthening the bond between you two will also engender an inner-peace within yourself regarding your own burgeoning sexuality. If you can come to terms - so to speak - with your brother's 'gayness' then perhaps you can start a healing process for yourself and accept yourself for who you are. Besides that, sometimes family is all any of us really have and in the least possible scenario perhaps in your brother you can find an ally against life tougher challenges. I'm sure at some point he must have had to deal with the same problems that you're going through and probably wished he had had someone with which to share this.
    As for college, well it is - to use a tired phrase - a time for experimentation. Now, i'm by no means advocating that you run around and dry-hump all the other 'lost' and 'confused' male and female peers. But if anything, if you're willing to risk your heart and possibly even risk the fear of reprisals, then yes, go out there and live. Try to challenge yourself daily and shift your framework and paradigm of thinking. Take a few risks and you may be well rewarded, but also take time to consider and be judicious with regards some of your risky decision making.

    You are a beautiful and unique one-in-six-billion human being. Enjoy yourself.

    "i love sam_solo26"
     
  5. exwhyzee

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    Lots of the feelings and concerns you have are shared by everyone else on their way to college, so don't feel like you're the only one. You're not.

    Family: Going off to college is the first time you can get out from under the influence of your family...in fact, you won't ever have to see them again if you don't want to...and that's an empowering feeling (though I don't encourage it). You have the opportunity to begin to build a whole new family of friends.

    College: Use college as a time to experiment and explore...studies, interests, jobs, relationships, travel. You can begin to cultivate a life-long curiosity for learning...and that will make for a fun life.

    Friends: When I went to college, honestly, it was a pretty lonely experience and I did not make a bunch of friends, but I maintained old friends and looking back I'm not sure I would (or could) do it differently. Don't feel bad if you find your own path. I personally think its better to have two, three, or four close friends than a lot of acquaintances, but you will figure that out on your own.

    Honesty: About telling your possible gf about yourself - its always right to be honest with those around you (re: sexuality), but timing is everything...and you will know when the time is right.

    Stress: Some stress is good, otherwise you would become a big self-centered potato. That said, you have to manage your stress...maybe its sports, music, or maybe its keeping a journal or even contributing to LPSG threads (its like a journal..!).

    If you feel like its all too much, please don't try to carry that weight yourself. Your school will have options for you to talk things out, help plan, or just serve as a sounding board. Take advantage of those...they are a great resource and you will never earn brownie points on your diploma for not having ever asked for help.

    Its an exciting time for you, and you will have a lot of challenges that you will overcome and help you develop into a stronger person. Your life will take you to places that you can't even imagine possible right now and you have opportunities that are unrivaled in human existence. Remember that.

    And never, never, never...forget to smell the roses. (Winston Churchill would have said "never give in" but I'm no Churchill :wink:)

    Keep us posted on how things go!
     
  6. Boobalaa

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    One thing about our minds..the more we stay inside them, the tougher it is to get out..
    The more thoughts you have about thoughts..you'll wind up thinking about thoughts about thoughts..Getting recursive, confused..reflecting on reflections..
    Thoughts are just that..they're thoughts..You don't own those thoughts, and those thoughts do not own you..
    Get outside of yourself..
    Experience you do own
    Oh and one biggie..turn off the internet for awhile..stay away from these types of sites and go outside and experience the real thing
     
  7. Belly_Dancer

    Belly_Dancer Member

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    At the time when I left for college, I had a pretty bad relationship with my Dad and stepmom. They even told me not to come home for a while.

    Once I got away from them, though, it was like a whole new world opened up. I didn't realize it before, but I had been driven to rebel against my parents and behave in a contrary manner. Once they weren't there anymore, I could be myself without the influence to deliberately try to piss them off with my behaviour.

    I'm not saying these are the same issues you're having.

    But you may find that getting away from your family for a while can get you to a place where you are able to get along with them better when you do see them, and maybe even eventually get to a place where you like them (that happened to me).

    When I left for college I knew very few people at the school I was going to, and I'm not the most outgoing person so sometimes I feel uncomfortable in social situations. But the school I went to had a rule that all Freshmen had to live in the dorms. It turned out that I ended up making friends with a lot of the girls on the floor where I lived, simply because we were thrown together (it did help that they grouped the floors by major so I was on a "Natural Sciences" floor with girls who shared some of my interests).

    Anyway, I don't know what your living situation will be, but you may find that you will meet friends you haven't even conceived of at this point. Some of those people may turn out to be quite accepting, and you may find you don't have to be as emotionally isolated as you were in high school.

    As for telling this girl that you're bi, I think you may be getting ahead of yourself a little. First figure out whether or not she even wants to be your girlfriend. Then get to know each other better. If you two do end up getting emotionally close, then you can decide whether or not to tell her.

    As for your homophobia, that's something I would strongly advise you to work on. If you are both homophobic and bisexual then you are disconnected with a part of yourself and will be in a lot of internal conflict (and I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know). But yeah, I think the advice to meet and get to know some gay guys other than your brother is good. Anything to help you accept yourself better for what and who you are.
     
  8. helgaleena

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    The only cure for where your mind is now is to keep growing up and having new experiences.

    Being quite solitary by nature I find a lot of solace in writing regularly in a journal. If stress gets too terrible universities and colleges always have counselors available. I did use these services in college, though I did not think I was benefiting at the time but in retrospect even a bad counselor provides an outlet of some type.

    You are homophobe because you are not like your older brother, but he is not representative of all gays. You will find this out for yourself.
     
  9. avdude19

    avdude19 Member

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    Haha thnx for the help everyone, I feel tons better knowing that this is pretty normal. I actualt thought I was astray from most people. And to tell u guys the truth I don't hate my brother cuz he's gay. I hate him cuz over the course of my life I've shared a room with him even now, he's goin to junoir college close to the house so I still share a room with him. And yeah he is a distugsting vile creature when it comes to keeping the room clean seriously. Just the other day I found a roach running out of a dirty pile of cloths he had that was there. Honestly and my mom got pissed at how crappy my room was so she forced me alone to clear out the room. Now it's cleanish. He still doesn't tale dirty cloths out of the room but so far the vile stench that dwelled upon my room dissapirred, but soon I won't live at home so it's okay. Anyways I was raised to be a homophobe I think. Haha you no the whole conservative household that doesn't believe in gay marraige and believes in procreation and whatnot. Anyways yeah thnx forthe advise so far. I really appreciate the help =)
     
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