So... I lost my virginity.

[2322]

A lot of the bigger guys here complain about not feeling much with regular condoms yet they don't think they're big enough to move-up to a larger condom. Larger condoms generally are only slightly larger than regular ones. I highly suggest you try them out because if you're at 7x6 then you're definitely in Magnum territory.

The other thing is the whole sexuality aspect. I think so many guys here are saying the right things that I can't add much. Losing virginity is usually an experience fraught with disappointment and anxiety. Don't let one experience throw you off or make you question your sexual attractions. At the same time, don't expect fireworks with the first guy you have sex with either. It could well be much the same experience until your anxiety level comes down and you just go with the flow.

I too am pleased that you're open to questioning yourself without judgment or fear. You have come a long way in that and it's wonderful to see. Kudos to you for using this experience to learn rather than see it as a reason to heap more guilt on yourself. That's important and I'm impressed.

It seems this girl is really nice and even if she won't tell you why she thinks you might be gay, talk to her about it openly and honestly. She may have some insights to help you.

Ultimately who you are matters far more than what you are or how you pigeonhole yourself. Labels exist to fit people, not the other way around so if you don't have a label that fits you then don't sweat it. Follow your heart and your instinct.

I lost my virginity to another boy as a young teen and I really liked it. I'd had some oral sex and petting with a girl before that, but there wasn't any penetration as there was with him. For quite a long time I told myself that it was just adolescent experimentation, everyone does it, and that I was really straight. What I couldn't get over though, was that my porn had to have guys in it for me to get off. Lesbian or solo pics of women never did a thing for me. On the rare occasions when I came across bi or group porn, that would really turn me on. Eventually I bought some gay porn and it got me so hot so quickly that it made me question whether I was gay or whether it was hot because it was so forbidden. Eventually I realized that I was just plain more attracted to men than women even though I really liked the idea of having a girlfriend, maybe getting married, and having kids. I thought that somehow I'd find the right girl and my desire for her would make me never look at another man again. Wrong! Even straight guys have that saying, "I'm married, not dead," which they say when another girl catches their eye. It eventually dawned on me that I'm much better at being friends with women than caring about them sexually. It was definitely much more difficult when I was younger because becoming sexually aroused was so much easier and it confused me. I'd get turned-on by any potential sexual situation, whether with men or women so I couldn't really use my sexual response as a guide to which sex I found more attractive. For that, I had to go back to what I knew, but tried to deny.

I still consider myself technically bisexual because there are women I do find attractive and would have sex with. I accept that as just being part of who I am and enjoy that. I largely tell people I'm gay because I relate to men much better than I do to women in romantic and sexual situations. I've fallen in love with two men and one girl. My feelings for the men far outstripped those for the girl so while I have opposite sex attractions, I know that anything long-term is going to be with another man.

This long march of self-discovery is a bitch. It really is. I say since you're young and uncommitted, go out and find a guy you like and give it a go with him and see how you feel about it. Like I said, it might not be all that and a bag of chips, but you'll definitely know how you respond to him erotically. When you're with someone who stimulates you and makes your heart race with anticipation rather than reticent anxiety, you'll know who the right person is for you be it male or female.

 

[_avg_]

Well to be honest, usually men. BUt I'm more familiar with the male anatomy, so it's easier to erm... visualise.

HOW you think of them when you masturbate is significant, too. Do you interact with them in any way?

 

[SomeGuyOverThere]

A lot of the bigger guys here complain about not feeling much with regular condoms yet they don't think they're big enough to move-up to a larger condom. Larger condoms generally are only slightly larger than regular ones. I highly suggest you try them out because if you're at 7x6 then you're definitely in Magnum territory.

The other thing is the whole sexuality aspect. I think so many guys here are saying the right things that I can't add much. Losing virginity is usually an experience fraught with disappointment and anxiety. Don't let one experience throw you off or make you question your sexual attractions. At the same time, don't expect fireworks with the first guy you have sex with either. It could well be much the same experience until your anxiety level comes down and you just go with the flow.

I too am pleased that you're open to questioning yourself without judgment or fear. You have come a long way in that and it's wonderful to see. Kudos to you for using this experience to learn rather than see it as a reason to heap more guilt on yourself. That's important and I'm impressed.

It seems this girl is really nice and even if she won't tell you why she thinks you might be gay, talk to her about it openly and honestly. She may have some insights to help you.

Ultimately who you are matters far more than what you are or how you pigeonhole yourself. Labels exist to fit people, not the other way around so if you don't have a label that fits you then don't sweat it. Follow your heart and your instinct.

I lost my virginity to another boy as a young teen and I really liked it. I'd had some oral sex and petting with a girl before that, but there wasn't any penetration as there was with him. For quite a long time I told myself that it was just adolescent experimentation, everyone does it, and that I was really straight. What I couldn't get over though, was that my porn had to have guys in it for me to get off. Lesbian or solo pics of women never did a thing for me. On the rare occasions when I came across bi or group porn, that would really turn me on. Eventually I bought some gay porn and it got me so hot so quickly that it made me question whether I was gay or whether it was hot because it was so forbidden. Eventually I realized that I was just plain more attracted to men than women even though I really liked the idea of having a girlfriend, maybe getting married, and having kids. I thought that somehow I'd find the right girl and my desire for her would make me never look at another man again. Wrong! Even straight guys have that saying, "I'm married, not dead," which they say when another girl catches their eye. It eventually dawned on me that I'm much better at being friends with women than caring about them sexually. It was definitely much more difficult when I was younger because becoming sexually aroused was so much easier and it confused me. I'd get turned-on by any potential sexual situation, whether with men or women so I couldn't really use my sexual response as a guide to which sex I found more attractive. For that, I had to go back to what I knew, but tried to deny.

I still consider myself technically bisexual because there are women I do find attractive and would have sex with. I accept that as just being part of who I am and enjoy that. I largely tell people I'm gay because I relate to men much better than I do to women in romantic and sexual situations. I've fallen in love with two men and one girl. My feelings for the men far outstripped those for the girl so while I have opposite sex attractions, I know that anything long-term is going to be with another man.

This long march of self-discovery is a bitch. It really is. I say since you're young and uncommitted, go out and find a guy you like and give it a go with him and see how you feel about it. Like I said, it might not be all that and a bag of chips, but you'll definitely know how you respond to him erotically. When you're with someone who stimulates you and makes your heart race with anticipation rather than reticent anxiety, you'll know who the right person is for you be it male or female.

Thanks for the words of wisdom, Jason, I recall you've provided some wisdom in my past threads too, and it's always appreciated

Yes, self-discovery is a bitch, and I'm done being miserable about it, now I'm just interested in learning whatever I can about myself so I know what decisions to make.

I think the hardest thing about acknowledging that I have strong feelings for other men is knowing that I may have to give up that cultural expectation of "settling down" - having a wife and kids, you know?

Still, whatever happens I'm just relieved to have taken one of the legs out from underneath my depression, and I won't let my sexuality become another depression topic. If I'm gay, I'm gay, if I'm bi, I'm bi. I don't think I'm straight, but I may yet surprise myself. Whatever happens, I am what I am and trying to change it is just a road to misery.

HOW you think of them when you masturbate is significant, too. Do you interact with them in any way?

Well how do you think about women when you masturbate? I don't just sit and look, that's for sure!

I dunno, the thing is I watch quite a bit of porn, and female porn stars always seem a bit fucked up in the head to me, I pick up on the little things, like the slightly smeared mascara that looks like she's been crying, and the stiff way she bends over, mechanical, not interested. I've watched a few documentaries on the porn industry (one BBC one in particular, was really great and interviewed a lot of porn stars) and the impression I get is that male porn stars tend to treat it as a job and think of themselves as professionals, and be fairly mentally intact individuals, the female ones seem to be the unhappiest people alive, or the most messed up (and some of them were so stupid you could drive a truck through the space between their ears).

There are exceptions to most generalisations and occasionally I'll see a really great bit of straight porn where the girl is really into it, but generally I prefer gay porn as the men involved seem to be having a good time, and what their feelings are really effects how much I enjoy the porn, more than their looks, body or cocks.

Or maybe I'm a flaming queer who really wants to wear high heels and dance on the tables at the gay bars, but I don't want to admit it.

 

[vince]

If you are thicker than average, then do yourself a favor and get a condom that fits. Durex makes some xxl sizes. No matter if you are into girls or boys, it's hard to keep it up if your tool is being squeezed to death. I had lots of trouble keeping it up using a condom until I found bigger sizes.

Oh.. and congrats!

 

[2322]

Thanks for the words of wisdom, Jason, I recall you've provided some wisdom in my past threads too, and it's always appreciated

Yes, self-discovery is a bitch, and I'm done being miserable about it, now I'm just interested in learning whatever I can about myself so I know what decisions to make.

I think the hardest thing about acknowledging that I have strong feelings for other men is knowing that I may have to give up that cultural expectation of "settling down" - having a wife and kids, you know?

Still, whatever happens I'm just relieved to have taken one of the legs out from underneath my depression, and I won't let my sexuality become another depression topic. If I'm gay, I'm gay, if I'm bi, I'm bi. I don't think I'm straight, but I may yet surprise myself. Whatever happens, I am what I am and trying to change it is just a road to misery.

You know what's really cool?

I went to visit Lex, another member on this site. I met Lex, his husbear, and his two kids.... and his aunts and uncles and his ex-wife. Just an ordinary modern family having a great time enjoying each other's company, making sure homework gets done, setting the table, and other stuff.

There is NOTHING to prevent you from having a spouse and children when the time is right for you. In fact, I'd say it's even easier in Scotland than it is here. You want kids you can adopt, use a surrogate, or find a lesbian couple who needs a donor/father. These families of opportunity are springing-up all over the place and they work. Plenty of gay people have kids. You don't hear about it as much as I think we should but they are out there.

One of the most striking things I've experienced was visiting my sister in Burlington, Vermont. Vermont had the earliest domestic partnership law in the country and gays flocked to Vermont to live (it's one of the best places to live in America by many surveys). When I was there a year ago, we went to some festival in a park down by the lake and there were wall-to-wall families with kids and at least half the people there were gay. It was a real eye-opener and gave me a great deal of hope.

 

[whatadork]

I dunno, the thing is I watch quite a bit of porn, and female porn stars always seem a bit fucked up in the head to me, I pick up on the little things, like the slightly smeared mascara that looks like she's been crying, and the stiff way she bends over, mechanical, not interested. I've watched a few documentaries on the porn industry (one BBC one in particular, was really great and interviewed a lot of porn stars) and the impression I get is that male porn stars tend to treat it as a job and think of themselves as professionals, and be fairly mentally intact individuals, the female ones seem to be the unhappiest people alive, or the most messed up (and some of them were so stupid you could drive a truck through the space between their ears).

Or maybe I'm a flaming queer who really wants to wear high heels and dance on the tables at the gay bars, but I don't want to admit it.

Here's some more advice then.

Watch amateur porn. I actually am kind of so-so on mainstream porn now, but I love amateur porn. yuvutu.com is probably the best source for amateur stuff. People on their love sex since they're average joes who just love to have sex and show off.

I think you're too worried about labels. You sound like you WANT to be bi but aren't sure about it. If you're not, you're not. Just go with what your gut tells you. If you meet a woman and you feel some attraction to her, then go for it. If you meet a man you want to fuck, then go for it (but obviously be safe).

The important thing is that you don't write women off because you think "if this is what sex with a woman feels like who needs them? Jerking off feels better!"

Like I said, the difference between the first time I had sex with a bad condom and the first time I had unprotected sex is night and day. One felt like I was just thrusting into the air (NO feeling at all). The other, the very first thrust made me think "THIS IS WHAT I ALWAYS THOT SEX WOULD BE LIKE!" And before even 30 seconds were up, I could NOT stop myself from cumming. Using a good condom wasn't quite as good but is still amazing.

Just remember, feeling nothing during sex is most likely caused by a bad (or badly fitting) condom OR desensitization of your penis (probably through excess rough masturbation). You should figure that out first before you have sex with anyone else since you won't enjoy sex with men either (unless you're bottoming I guess).

 

[voidout]

it really could have been a number of things, and i would never base it off of one experience.

when i lost my virginity i remember thinking after wards "so...i had sex." as if it were any other thing in the world. as if i was saying "so...i had a turkey sandwich."

not that losing it wasn't an incredibly huge deal for me, it really was, but the actual PHYSICAL response i expected from it...was nothing to greatly mention. yeah, it felt good, but so does eating a fucking chocolate bar. lol.

however, there's plenty of things to attribute to that, i realize now.

a) i was so focused on what all my friends had told me about how great sex was for years and years that when it happened i realized it was all a bunch of shit. it didn't feel anything how i expected it to...

b) i've only had sex two times after i lost my virginity last year, and being physical with men again is scary for me.

c) the way i'm now sexually stimulated is by being submissive.

d) i'm not that sexually experienced, therefore i don't know how to communicate to a person, without feeling terrified, that i'm submissive and that i'll have to explain why.

e) last but not least...i'm simply just not that sexually experienced.

i'm sure i'll have more experiences, and eventually i'll be able to be comfortable with my sexuality to the point where i'm actually enjoying myself both physically and emotionally, but just because the sex to this point hasn't been as enjoyable as i'd hoped for, doesn't mean it will never be.

:shrug:

 

[Stephenmass]

I'm going to go "against" the grain in this thread I guess. At 22, even if a virgin, I think he knows who and what he is attracted to. I personally think he "felt nothing" because it didn't "feel right" for him. Come on guys into girls will bang anything with a hole. He's 22 years old; I'm only a few years older and at 22 years old I definitely knew who and what I was.

I had been suspecting that my feelings for women are there because I'm expected to have feelings for women - a culturally imprinted thought pattern.

I pulled this out of one of your statements because it was me when I was younger too. It is one of the biggest fights a gay man has within himself. "How come I don't have these feelings for women like I do for men?", etc. Sometimes you even bang yourself up over these feelings because deep inside you know those feelings simply are not there.

I don't think you are programmed inside for women. It's OK, don't beat yourself up over it (it's harder for some than others). Again, it's OK.

I think you "felt nothing" because it wasn't your orientation inside. Or your orientation was "fighting with your dick" telling you something wasn't right. You know what it is. You just don't want to admit it to yourself because of the statement you already made about what society expects. It's a hard, long fought battle for a lot of gays when they begin to recognize their true sexuality.

 

[SomeGuyOverThere]

I'm going to go "against" the grain in this thread I guess. At 22, even if a virgin, I think he knows who and what he is attracted to. I personally think he "felt nothing" because it didn't "feel right" for him. Come on guys into girls will bang anything with a hole. He's 22 years old; I'm only a few years older and at 22 years old I definitely knew who and what I was.



I pulled this out of one of your statements because it was me when I was younger too. It is one of the biggest fights a gay man has within himself. "How come I don't have these feelings for women like I do for men?", etc. Sometimes you even bang yourself up over these feelings because deep inside you know those feelings simply are not there.

I don't think you are programmed inside for women. It's OK, don't beat yourself up over it (it's harder for some than others). Again, it's OK.

I think you "felt nothing" because it wasn't your orientation inside. Or your orientation was "fighting with your dick" telling you something wasn't right. You know what it is. You just don't want to admit it to yourself because of the statement you already made about what society expects. It's a hard, long fought battle for a lot of gays when they begin to recognize their true sexuality.

Well, I don't think it's that simple - I really don't know. I've had crushes on men and on women, but I seem to be turned on more by men than by woman, and I have very specific tastes with women but a much broader range of taste when it comes to men.

There are a number of reasons my first time was full of fail - as mentioned the condoms were appalling, I spoke to my best mate and he reckons they were the standard Durex which, he confirmed, are shit and give you no feeling at all, and said that he's never cum inside a girl while wearing a condom (and he's a bit of a stud). He went so far as to dig out his pack of condoms which are Durex Pleasuremax and told me to try them instead. Further, I was dead tired, and drunk and scared shitless while having sex, these aren't great conditions to cum under.

Maybe I'm excusing myself, and I'm sure what I said could be construed as rationalising after the fact, but I am well aquainted with my own mind.

Also, I'm not really hiding from anything, if I'm gay, it honestly doesn't phase me much, what does phase me is not knowing what I want.

it really could have been a number of things, and i would never base it off of one experience.

when i lost my virginity i remember thinking after wards "so...i had sex." as if it were any other thing in the world. as if i was saying "so...i had a turkey sandwich."

not that losing it wasn't an incredibly huge deal for me, it really was, but the actual PHYSICAL response i expected from it...was nothing to greatly mention. yeah, it felt good, but so does eating a fucking chocolate bar. lol.

I feel kind of similar. It's like "well I had sex"... ok. Fine.

You know what I preferred? Waking up next to somebody cuddling me. That, that was awesome. And holding hands and talking about the world, that was awesome. Seeing a drunk couple walking past us and the woman say to the man "Why can't we be like them? Holding hands and just enjoying each other's company!?" That was, well actually I felt a little bad for her, but just sitting there holding hands was nice. Sex. Sex was pretty boring really.

And the lube on the condoms smelled awful, I had to change every item of clothing I'd been wearing the night before, take a shower, brush my teeth and use mouthwash, twice, blow my nose and have a cup of coffee before I stopped smelling of shitty Durex lube.

Here's some more advice then.

Watch amateur porn. I actually am kind of so-so on mainstream porn now, but I love amateur porn. yuvutu.com is probably the best source for amateur stuff. People on their love sex since they're average joes who just love to have sex and show off.

I think you're too worried about labels. You sound like you WANT to be bi but aren't sure about it. If you're not, you're not. Just go with what your gut tells you. If you meet a woman and you feel some attraction to her, then go for it. If you meet a man you want to fuck, then go for it (but obviously be safe).

The important thing is that you don't write women off because you think "if this is what sex with a woman feels like who needs them? Jerking off feels better!"

Like I said, the difference between the first time I had sex with a bad condom and the first time I had unprotected sex is night and day. One felt like I was just thrusting into the air (NO feeling at all). The other, the very first thrust made me think "THIS IS WHAT I ALWAYS THOT SEX WOULD BE LIKE!" And before even 30 seconds were up, I could NOT stop myself from cumming. Using a good condom wasn't quite as good but is still amazing.

Just remember, feeling nothing during sex is most likely caused by a bad (or badly fitting) condom OR desensitization of your penis (probably through excess rough masturbation). You should figure that out first before you have sex with anyone else since you won't enjoy sex with men either (unless you're bottoming I guess).

Cheers for the porn suggestion

Yeah I usually watch amateur now, but I've found gay amateur easier to get a hold of, maybe us men are just more willing to show off. But, as I've said before, I can cum when I see some good straight porn, and I do like watching it. Maybe my definition of "good" straight porn is more demanding than my definition of good gay porn. I'm not good at analysing my own preferences.

 

[whatadork]

I'm going to go "against" the grain in this thread I guess. At 22, even if a virgin, I think he knows who and what he is attracted to. I personally think he "felt nothing" because it didn't "feel right" for him. Come on guys into girls will bang anything with a hole. He's 22 years old; I'm only a few years older and at 22 years old I definitely knew who and what I was.

I would have to disagree. A pussy is a pussy. It's a warm, tight, well lubed organ meant to give pleasure. If you're gay, then there's other factors that'll turn you off, but purely penis in a vagina will feel good as long as the penis is hard. It works the opposite way too. A straight guy fucking a guy's ass will still feel good as long as he can remain hard. Just because you're straight/gay doesn't mean your penis loses sensitivity when you're with someone of the wrong gender. You can lose your erection if you're really not attracted, but it'll still feel good as long as you're hard.

If he just said he lost his erection, then you're right. Now since he said he didn't actually feel anything when he was penetrating her, that tells me the condom was probably bad. No one knows (including him) if he's gay/straight/bi. He's still trying to figure it out himself.

And SGOT: if a woman can get you hard without you thinking about a man, there is a good chance you're bi. If you need to imagine you're with a guy to get hard or to stay hard, you may very well just be gay. It's starting to sound like to me you might be like 20% straight, 80% gay or something tho.

 

[sab84]

Congrats Man... I hope to your "Done it" club sometime...
My guess would be anxiety and expectation... personally I have lost erections due to anxiety...